almost at the end of the year

its holiday season... a phrase borrowed from the west no doubt, but all around its a mad festival frenzy. the weather has been killer the last few weeks, last night touching 8 degrees which is very rare for hyd at this time of the year...

my spell with ill health continues and its right now so annoying that i cant even talk about it. i've completed many courses of medication and now am taking the natural remedies route!

my sil and niece are here to begin the relocation process and after weeks of school shopping, we fixed on something yesterday.

i have tonnes to do, cookies to make, cake to bake and other stuff... i went minimalistic with the tree this year... just gold accents and white light.. it looks smashing! even if i say so myself..... :) leaving you with a picture to hopefully spread the cheer!

Merry Christmas!

Change...why am i so terrified of it?

Its saturday and i woke up at 7! I havent woken up before 8 in a few weeks now, we've been watching the telly and sleeping past 2 a.m...fourth day in a row i am up early. I severed a longish relationship a few days ago. My househelp D. She was acting up, not taking what i said seriously and so i felt it was time to start over. I dont think she agonised over it as much as i did. I pondered over it, wondered if i was being too harsh, thought of her useless non earning husband and her two school going kids and waited almost 8 months. but i could see each time she did something that pissed me off, that i was one step closer to letting her go.

D worked with me for 4 years, which is rare in the part of town where i live. Maids and drivers hop about from building to building every other month with the promise of 200 bucks more....She was pretty much in sync with how i ran the house and tho excruciatingly slow and sometimes slack with work, she was trustworthy. When we went out of town, she'd have the keys to the house to water the plants etc. 

So this takes me back to why i resisted firing her even when i felt that was needed. I was terrified of not getting someone else, the comfort of having someone who knew exactly how i like things to be done and the training! The security of having a known system that works... frustratingly at times, but functional for the most part. 

I always think of myself as someone who likes to adjust, who works around what i have, even if it means it is less than 100% perfect. I am very cautious about trying not to upset the apple cart. I believe i am wary and scared of change. I like to go with the flow....

But if i look back, i think i sweat the small stuff... returning a pack of bad quality stuff to the grocer, getting back some deposit that i paid and didnt get service for, letting the autowallah overcharge me because i am just grateful to get home etc....

In the stuff that is bigger, like work and career and life plans, i have just taken leaps of faith. Let's see.... I've moved to places to study and work where i didnt know anyone but for a few classmates, i've moved jobs without having another one in hand simply because i knew the current one wasn't feeling right, I've bought an apartment on impulse ( i saw just one, and finalised it in 2 hours), hell i even dated (and married) a guy with no regard to my "must have" checklist!

I mean, how many people do you know, who said in the retention interviews..." i want some time off to find myself...i dont know what i will do, but i am sure i wont work an office job" or someone who says "i love the french doors opening onto the balcony! lets buy this house!" or encouraged K to quit working  so he could write his book at a time when I too wasnt working and said we'd manage fine....

I dont think i did too badly then....its the mundane stuff that i want on auto pilot...I like to have a schedule and a routine for mundane stuff... i hate wasting time especially in housework even if i am doing nothing else.... the only stuff i enjoy is cooking and arranging cupboards....so the sooner i could outsource all of that, the better....I've seen amma agonise over things which i think are silly... like paying a little extra to get a job done...and get worked up over the maid not coming in... i simply call in a replacement...and the world wont come to a standstill if the dishes arent done one day.

I know people who wait half the day for the maid or the plumber or the electrician to come in and fix something...and everything else is on standby till these people show up and get the work done. I would get tired of waiting and get cranky and that is not a good thing (ask K). I know households who dont have a routine or a schedule and everything is on a daily decision basis... i'd go crazy if it was like that... i like regularity....there are some things which are a total drain of time if they need daily supervision. that would tire me... maybe that's why i didnt want to upset the apple cart of the house...

So anyways, i called for a replacement, i interviewed 4 and picked one...so far no complaints...i'd feel like a miserable failure if i cant get my househelp to do things the way I wanted! 

drawing the line

how much should you get involved in another person's life? your parents, kids, siblings, friends? where do you draw the line? how do you decide how much is too much? offlate these questions have been in my head....a friend shares something with you and you want to say something....should you express yourself honestly or shut up and just appreciate even if those complimentary thoughts are not yours? if you are really close, should you say exactly what you feel/ mean or worry that the friend will be hurt? Lately i feel everyone including myself has become very touchy about everything. 

where are the rules when people have different opinions on careers and religion and expenses and relationships? I feel stifled and cant seem to say stuff without the thought at the back of my head that i would be hurting someone...or coming across as judgemental (when i am not). 

I've gotten into situations where i have had very strong opinions...and after i have said something, i am consumed by the anxiety of having hurt the other people in the conversation....and if i havent said anything, i've felt so restless, i've had to meditate.... its not been a good situation to be in....

I recently read this book called crucial conversations... it presents a step by step process to make a conversation work when it turns crucial...it could be with your spouse, parent, work situation and anywhere else that a conversation becomes crucial.... at work we've found this model very useful and have designed a program around it.... I am trying to use the model and i can tell you its helped me.

Smile on....

I went to the nursery yesterday in bangalore to pick up some herbs. the nursery is tended to by physically and mentally challenged people. the proceeds go towards their support. they have a program where a donor can provide for 3 meals a day for 15 days for all the people in this home. I made a donation in the name of N my baby cousin N who would have been 27 today. It is still very painful to think of her in the past tense. its been 8 years since she passed away in a road accident. 

I've not wanted to acknowledge all these years how much this has affected me. her death was like a domino effect with 2 others in 5 months to follow. but i want to remember her life. the 18 years she spent with us that should bring us joy in our remembrances and not sorrow. The three losses, i feel like i have blocked out purposely because recalling them all is so painful, but i want to get over that finally. i dont want her memories to be a burden. purely because she was such a joy.sure in her teenaged years i couldnt stand her attitude....but all that was still on the surface.... underneath was just the pure bond that siblings have. 

I realised i was trying to block it all out because i only recall the blankness of shock and pain and the desperation to do something to undo what had just happened is the first memory i have when i think of N. i want that to change. I had the misfortune of being the one to convey the message to her parents. I wanted to shake her back to life.......so i decided to do something positive rather than just mope around when i think of her, hence the donation. i hardly go to the graveyard. not even to peddi's. it completely spooks me out. so i will remember you and your life....not your death...because none of us have been able to escape it. 

Darling girl, i see so much of your spunk in Rachel....we miss you so much. Especially your daddy and mummy who you have left with such a broken heart that even their grandson R cant heal it. Cant help but think what you would have done...you would have been working for sure by now in an advt agency, raising hell and lashing everyone with your sharp tongue. Or maybe you’d have met your match and would have mellowed down.... you would have been married possibly, or atleast seeing someone special... you would still have had those ugly long nails and that beautiful wavy hair.... hopefully you would have lost weight and taken full advantage of that fabulous height you had.....you were a riot...still would have been.... instead you had to leave us panting for more...left us all craving to hear your shrill laughter again....just disappeared from our lives with no thought for how we’d cope....love you dear girl.... i try not to think of you because i feel so heartbroken. I think i selfishly hang on to your memories and love you more than i did when you were around.... you’ve taught us to value everything that is in our life for now...for the moment.... we cant thank you enough for being in our lives, and allowing us to live with your memory....we’d have rather had more of you...but for whatever we had, we’re grateful....

Soup ki Rani, Calories ka Raja

That would be the title of the movie made on the current life we live. For those of you who know us for real. K had undertaken an incredible journey of weightloss some 100 days ago and what he has achieved has been phenomenal. With determination and discipline, he's reached his goal. 

he's eaten smart. exercised hard and gotten where he wanted to. the badminton 6 times a week continues as does the gym even tho he's reached his weight goals. what has aided is the way we've been eating!  I have learnt as much as i can about planning dinner to provide enough nutrition without being heavy on carbohydrates. 

salads have made a huge comeback into our lives. With salad adding bulk and fiber to even packed lunches that he now carries to office. i too have been compelled to eat smarter and have lost a few kilos in the bargain. i have another 8 weeks to reach my ideal weight and i think with this discipline i should be on track. K kicking me out of the house and the reminding me of the money we paid for the gym membership is definitely helping me get off my behind and onto the cross trainer.

just changing our dinner pattern has made such a huge difference to the whole weight loss initiative. about 1/3 of our intake is now from fresh fruit which is a good thing anyways. there's a blanket ban on calorie heavy food after 7.30 p.m and so i have literally morphed into a treasure trove of assorted soups. clear thai soup one day, lemon and coriander the other and even pumpkin and sweet potato.

so yeah, if i needed a movie title for our current life, it would have have to be called "Soup ki Rani, Calories ka Raja"

all about tears

roller coaster feelings are nothing new to me.... i don't know if i have said this earlier, but despite what it may look like, i cry quite easily. often for no reason, sometimes for nothing. i dont know what it is about tears that well up in my eyes, it looks like they are omnipresent. anything can turn me teary...

like seeing this baby in this makeshift cradle on a construction site. for days after i saw this, i couldn't focus on anything except how sweetly he smiled at me all the while i stood there, stunned. for many days i couldnt get that image out of my mind, i  went to bed teary but thankful for all the blessings I've had.

there are those moments, when everything just stands still and i am in tears....i cant say why or how...like this weekend which after a long time, was a quiet weekend for us. We were by ourselves and watched movies from the afternoon till into the early morning. just sitting there with K, running my hand through his hair and him turning around to look at me reduced me to tears. i was spaced out and in a rotten mood just a few hours ago. blame it on  the lack of sleep induced crankiness. he gives me the benefit of doubt i am at times unwilling to give him. i really lucked out with this man, i swear! one moment, we were dipping biscuits into chai and talking...the other moment a bewildered man looked at his wife who was sobbing! All because i was thankful to be with him.

earlier i wouldn't accept that i cried so much. something i naively thought would help preserve my tough girl image. i only cry in private, behind a closed door, preferably the bathroom. if i feel teary i rush to the nearest washroom! but now i have no qualms in accepting that i cry. my eyes and nose resembles rudolph the red nosed reindeer. and i look worse than i usually do... but in my heart and soul i feel like a weight of a few tonnes has lifted and i feel so relieved.

have you felt like that? so tensed about a situation at work or home that you feel you will burst into a million pieces? i remember a few weeks before our wedding, the wedding cards didnt come out right. i bawled and bawled.... in the washroom of the office. my friend thought the wedding was called off! and when i said it was the cards, she was so relieved. she says she wanted to hit me cause i made it look so terrible, when all i was crying over were some badly printed cards! after i was spent, i got up, went back to the printers and made myself one of the most elegant wedding cards you'll ever see. but for that to happen, the dam had to burst.

i like to cook when i am upset or pissed off. it takes my mind off everything else that is driving me nuts. there is something about chopping, stirring and creating a dish that tastes damn good that is like therapy for me. i sometimes feel like my mind can't shut off. like i am standing at times square, drunk, doped and all i can see is psychedelic lights whizzing past. cooking to the rescue even here! a few hours later, i can take on the world! it feels like i am recharged!  is this weird? anyone else react like this?

here, there and all that

moody, crabby and eternally wanting to sleep is currently how i feel. Its been a week since appa went back to ahmd. the week he was here was furious house hunting and while i enjoyed it, i realised how blessed K and I were to find and fall in love with this house the minute we saw it. Did i tell you that this was the first and only house we saw? I walked in, said yeah nice ventilation... spacious...and oooooo i love the french style doors.... so great for parties.... lets buy it! that was it! 6 years later, i still love my house....while i will always crave for a space that has a yard so i can do some more gardening and have a dog, i will always love this house. It was completely built and was the last apt available... so i didnt have to visualise what it would look like when it was still cement and bricks! all that househunting made me look back at pics of when we'd just moved in... my god! the amount of stuff i have accumulated! no major furniture...the same stuff gets tossed about and rearranged.... but knick knacks galore... and i still am not done! the house is always a work in progress....

a few things that happened when appa was here

• i know exactly how K will be at 68. you can't escape your genes...(i mean this in a good way...hell i am turning into my mom anyways)
• he's just as lost without me as his father is minus his mom!
• i love listening to appa, getting to know of his childhood and his life... somewhere i feel like i am making up for missed time.... i miss my dad the most when i am around my fil
• he (fil) loves to tell stories! whatever made me think he was a man of few words!
• i got over my fear of cooking for him. when you figure out he is anyways at your mercy, it helps!
• i ate a lot! having another person sit across you at the table at lunchtime is different from eating in front of the laptop!
• We (appa and I) made kozhukattai's for ganesh chathurthi. they turned out great, but i didnt take pics cos they were not photogenic!

I also cribbed less and tried to be more patient with myself and K. I am trying to think of the bigger picture at all times and it has helped me with my temper. B and J had their housewarming on the 10th. Everything thankfully went off well cos I was so paranoid about the food... neednt have worried, it was fab. Now need to see how the rest of the house and the woodwork turns out. So far everything looks good.

I've realised its been more than a year that K and I have gone on a realtime holiday. Trips to and with family dont count! i need to head out...somewhere...anywhere will do! but i need to go! 

have decided to make some sweeping changes to my balcony gardens so that i can accommodate some homegrown veggies too. before the weather gets colder.... i know i am late, but what the hell!

fabulous progress

am happy to report, that K has gone and outdone himself and silenced me about any doubts i had about him and focus. when we went to the gym after a month last week, the trainers all lined up and one even asked if he'd had liposuction! ofcourse i felt like cracking (the trainer's) skull, after all the hard work and sweat he'd shed, but it was also a victory for K. I remember when he first joined, they crowded around him to give him gyan.... first he shocked them with his stamina and then with his weight loss... it was like a kick in the teeth... me? well lets just say i went back to the start point! but the main thing is what he's been able to achieve! love you k man.. you showed me that i was so wrong...and i now know that if you make up your mind about anything, no matter what, you will achieve it.

fitness update

a few posts ago, i wrote about K and me taking the fitness plunge....lets just say that i have played truant for more than a month...managing just a few days of free hand exercises and some yoga... but overall have lost about 4kgs and put back 1 on cos of all the feasting (with guests at home its tough to convince them why the host is going to eat salad!). so instead of whipping myself about slacking off, i am reaffirming, rescheduling my goals and moving on ahead....

but i came here to document K's awesome determination, hardwork and results.... he did the math...and he has the determination of a nazi.... gym may not have been such  a regular feature this past month, but badminton is...and he is playing 5 times a week.... he's lost what i can say are results only slimming centres can give you! and i am amazed! in awe and with respect for anyone who can stay that focussed.... yes ...even my husband...cos we always look at the flaws...he stumped me! yet again. I've known him half of my life, and i am still shocked....i never thought he'd get this far! he's inspired me totally now! and i think it just reinforced what i wrote in the last post about me not getting thru many points in life if he wasnt by my side!

ok...this was supposed to not be mushy! so i shall stop...cant wait to head over to the balcony where my now much lighter husband awaits me groggy eyed! have a lovely day you all.

people in your life

do you believe that the people in your life are there for a reason? and so is the case with the ones that aren't there are also there for a reason? I do...

I've been thinking a lot of the people in my life...the ones that are still there, some I've grown closer to, some I've kept at arm's length. Some have amazed me by what they can do with their lives, taught me lessons on how to follow your heart and be brave....some have taught me the same lessons with examples of what not to do....

i told K this morning that i would have broken in mind and spirit many times in life, if he wasn't by my side. and today was one of the days when i truly thanked god for his presence..... he's been my pillar of strength, my fiercest ally and most honest critic. there are times when only he has the balls to tell it like it is and although at that moment i may feel like crushing his head, i'd not have it any other way!

the friends who call me beautiful when i want to cry after getting onto the weighing scales, the ones who tell me i can do anything i ever want to .... the ones who encourage me, silently and with gentle chiding.... the ones who will grow old with me and always be there in my life no matter which part of the world we live in....

the ones who with their nastiness and highhandedness made me rejoice that i am not them....the ones who taught me how great it is to be humble, which doesnt necessarily mean that you are a doormat, the ones who have made me thank my upbringing and everything else that doesnt make me fake or false....

the ones who have truly earned my admiration and respect, the ones who lost it because their masks fell, they all make my life richer...thank you!

weekend this and that

what is it about power or importance that makes you feel like you can get away with anything? on friday, along with a couple of friends, i went for what i thought would be a ghazal performance in an intimate setting. there is this place that serves as a platform for artists and for the encouragement of art and literature called lamakaan in hyd. Its a nice old bungalow that's being used. the idea behind it is very unique and it strives to be not for profit...the patrons are pretty well connected in the literati circles and i guess its a double edged sword...you need to be known to bring people / performers of repute....and that in turn attracts the literati ....

anyways...in true hyderabadi style, people began to assemble a little after 30 mins of the scheduled time on a really rainy evening...the artist came in almost an hour late and began singing right away... what appalled me was however the crowd behaviour... if you want to continue to talk...rather loudly and with obvious disrespect, dont sit in a mehfil....everyone..including the patron saint of the place, his wife and particularly his son, were jabbering non stop... mundane things... like where to put additional chairs...and asking people to make more room, and the kid was busy kicking people...or exclaiming loudly after every game won on the phone he was playing with.... the singing was totally the sideshow....if you wanted that...then why do thru the pain of inviting a maestro albeit who is in the autumn of his career? if the person who is supposed to lead by example does this, naturally us herds will follow... so whether it was inquiring where a dress was purchased or dinner was eaten had to happen there! i was so disgusted, i walked out after 3 songs...the sham went on for about an hour more i think...

the portico of the place had a light fixture inside which were trapped many (now dead) critters including a lizard... kind of symbolic of what that place will become i guess....

saturday was fabulous... i had a very fun chocolate making class after a long time... in the evening, the gym proved to be a pain in the neck and so was the effing instructor...who tried to bend my back into submission and when i said i have a bad back, tried to tell me, i would not lose weight unless i did what he told me... who does 45 reps of 10 exercises on day one? who makes these guys fitness instructors? working out in a damp shirt gave me fever by the night and on sunday i was in bed the whole day... watched reruns of friends... but i'd have gladly done that minus the fever....

my brand new shiny camera hasnt still gotten to me... i am tentatively taking pictures which arent very good! i need to learn the basic settings atleast!

yesterday my cousins dropped in... i made some snacks as i wasnt sure if dinner would be suitable... fake mutton shikampuri kebabs that the hardcore carnivores couldnt make out were made of soy nuggets! K sank his teeth into them with relish till i told him it was fake! you should have seen his face! i had a fun time...and i miss those times when we just gathered at family get togethers and hung out! now we have to plan...for weeks!

its still pleasant weather in hyd minus the rains... road and drainage work in the lane continues at snailspace...so more slush and kitchad for a while i guess....

fitness quest update

A few posts ago, i blogged about how K and I are going to the gym these days. We slacked off for a whole week but are back on track now. By slacking off i do not mean bingeing as well. Cos that would be like suicide. (except one meal....my friend's mom who is a fab cook is in town and we got invited to dinner...traditional indian food is very carb rich and the food was great and it would have been rude to not eat appreciatively, so i think i downed a lot of calories that night) its pretty tough to overeat or eat stuff that's positively fattening once you know how long you will have to be on the damned treadmill to pay for that! 

with all of this, i think the weighing scale hates me, cos i cant see much of a change there....but i can tell that my face is losing flab, little by little. and of course i famously declared that i am wearing one size smaller clothes... so that's incentive enough!

so from a measely beginning of 10 minutes on the treadmill with a speed level of 4, i can now do a full hour at speeds between 6-7. which is pretty good... but am soon tired of the walk to go nowhere routine and cant watch tv minus the volume and so i have taken to browsing through a magazine...the pictures is all that i am interested in anyways in a film periodical. i find that it takes my mind away from the ticking (very slowly) timer and the calorie counter. K does the elliptical cross trainer. he is on it for an hour and kept telling me to read up and that it burns more calories per minute compared to the treadmill. 

the elliptical is a strangely scary machine. for one, climbing onto it is like getting on to a ledge of an awkward height. and the handle bars make me feel like i am going to keel over and fall. also its all about rhythm and timing. if you dont get that right, it can be a very awkward stance...i know since i watch the ones who use it. K is a little over 6 ft tall, i am a foot shorter, so the logistics just scared me....

Since the last few days, i have begun to exercise on the elliptical. i was right about the rhythm and timing thing. It is essential to work out on this. i began with a very laborious 10 mins at a resistence of 2. then i realised that a resistence of 6 or 7 (may differ from person to person) makes it easier to get the timing right. on the elliptical it isnt about how fast you can go anyway. it definitely helps burn more calories. i find that i am burning 50% more than the treadmill in the same amount of time. today i did 30 mins. Here too the trick is to visually divert your attention away from the ticking timer and calorie counter. the machines in my gym have a narrow niche to hold a newspaper or a mag and i am making full use of it. Today was all about the most powerful people in bollywood. i am ready for my pop quiz now!

K keeps telling me he is very bored of the gym...the close confines, the stale air (no matter how much room freshner is sprayed) and the boredom that eventually sets in once you are in a routine. So he's signed up for badminton with a guy friend in addition to the gym. 3 times a week for an hour. there's a world class badminton court near home and he's going there. I am not a very sporty person, so will stick to the gym till i can possibly start swimming or something. i need to find a good pool closer home.

Some sharing and encouragement for all those wanting to hit the gym or begin any kind of exercise.

the first 3-4 days are the toughest. but you will get over it and you will begin to like it once you can see the progress. i am actually more motivated than ever and if i can be a convert, anyone can! i was scared to lower myself onto the pot for the first 3 days. once i sat, i didnt want to get up. a hot shower helps, as does good sleep and moderate speeds and time spent working out.

wear comfortable shoes and clothes. i see women in cotton churidar pants which are uncomfortable to even sit cross legged in. the knitted ones are better, if you dont want to wear track pants. find the most comfortable way to lace your shoes, allow room for the toes, tighter around the middle and not very tight where you lace them up. wrong lacing up can leave you feeling very uncomfortable and give you sprains and injuries. 

for a woman - wear a sports bra. its important even if you arent very busty. not only is it unhealthy for you to not wear a proper supportive one, but its embarrassing to see women bouncing around when they are exercising. Remember that your breast tissues are one of the most delicate, you will be losing weight (will affect the size of your boobs very soon) and hence they need all the support you can give. Puma has good ones, so does reebok. get a proper fitting one and do yourself a favour.

body odour alert. Everyone will sweat in the gym, just ensure you dont add to the stink. use deodorant liberally. there are products available for sport or active lifestyle...these are a good choice. if you can manage, bathe both before and after. i go to the gym in the morning and find that showering the previous night, before bedtime helps keep me fresh. i was on the treadmill today next to a guy who was stinking from a mile. i had to get off and use another machine at the farthest end from him. he also gave me an awful headache. 

dont be intimidated by all the hunks and babes that come to the gym...if its taken you a few years to put on weight, give yourself atleast a few months to see it go.

respect your body and so do not over exercise. start with a pace and time that suits you. do not aim to do as much as a guy who has been working out for months or years. start small, but your aim each day should be to progress a little more than the previous day. be firm when the over enthu coach or fitness instructor tells you to do more if you are tired. rest when you are tired and out of breath and sip water slowly. 

watch what you are eating. once you begin to count everything in terms of time spent chained to the treadmill, you will soon realise how much to eat for need and how much for greed!

ok, i think this post has turned out longer than i wanted it to be. so long then.

pathetic state of roads in hyderabad

its been a wet wet weekend....the slush outside the apartment has reached mamoth proportions and the state of the roads in Hyderabad is really to be seen to be believed. the apathy and the sheer callousness of an administration that simply doesnt give a damn for the people is something that left me with a mouth wide open in shock. i cant think of a single road today that is devoid of a ditch with tar and rubble coming out of it due to the substandard quality of the roadwork to begin with. last evening, we drove from kondapur to begumpet, no more than 500 metres, that too on the erstwhile CM's camp office stretch was the only patch that was smooth and ditch free. Even the flyover in front of nagarjuna hills, which takes you over the punjagutta crossroads (the same one that collapsed and killed a few people a couple of years earlier) is full of portholes. Can you imagine ditches on a flyover?

While the state administration and the Municipal Commissioner are busy attending page 3 parties, the whole network of roads in hyderabad is rapidly beginning to resemble the craters of the moon. Only in this case, we dont admire its beauty from afar. At certain points, like behind shopper's stop in begumpet, when you drive, you wonder if it is supposed to be a city road, or some cross country ditch rally. 

imagine if this is the state of affairs in the cities, in the hitech part of the state, what is the state of affairs in the towns and villages, the people who actually vote and elect these people. I cant help but think of the kind of civic upkeep that happened during chandra babu naidu's time. it was very common for out of state visitors to immediately remark about the fabulous roads we had. that was the first impression people got of this place....i couldnt help thinking how callous this congress government is.....i recall a similar state of affairs each time the congress has been in power. naidu on his part, has proved to be one of the most ineffective opposition leaders of all time. 

After the death of ysr, its like things are chugging along in status-quo the roads went from great to good and towards the end of his life, bad...and after he died and the turmoil in the state politics took over, its gone from bad to really terrible....it was common to see heaps of uncleared rubbish spilling over from bins.....cops being absent where traffic regulation was essential, and only seen challaning people, traffic sense has gone from bad to really unbearable with no fear of the administration or any sense of discipline...and this state of affairs seems to be the last nail in the coffin.

weekend this and that

first things first...i am loving the weather in hyderabad right now.... everything looks greener and the digging of the road in front of our building not withstanding (since i dont go out too much) its been as beautiful as i imagined it would be. infact i think that i get through the severe summer just imagining what the rains will be like.... i sit here, watching the rain through the french doors on my balcony....fall rapidly and then ease off for a while. the sound it makes as it hits the fibre bottom of my balcony window box....it can sometimes get quite intoxicating....

its been a good week. i have been happy and productive and that is such an endorser....today i had to cancel my chocolate class because a couple dropped out and tho i offered to teach the one person who was keen on coming one on one, she preferred the company of the others....i feel extremely disappointed  when i have to do that...but that one thing notwithstanding, its been a lovely chilled out day....

on a day like today, i wonder if i need to take on more work so i can actually see the difference between a workday and a weekend... that's a question i havent been able to answer to my own satisfaction yet! its been such a gorgeous week....

comfort food for lunch and a snuggle under the razai....only to wake up a bit and chat with a soon to be father....how easily we fail to acknowledge both the excitement and the anxiousness of a father to be....its not comparable to what the mother to be is going through, but it is there...the hopes and fears and joy of bringing a child into this world.... we looked at baby names...they've fixed on a lovely girl's name.... but just in case, so we looked at boy names... i recall my own brother... he had no where to vent his feelings, his fear and anxiety in the aftermath of the birth of his baby girl....especially with nuclear families and the fathers being present for almost the entire process....earlier they were unaware of what happens...now they are so much present...and yet dont know if it is ok to talk about how they are feeling...the burden of being macho!

i will go to the gym in sometime and then a friend will bring his dog over. K and i will be doggy sitting a handsome Labrador for about 10 days next month, while the dog father goes to get married.... we asked our friend to bring him over for smaller periods of time so we can both get used to each other.... i am so excited, i can hardly wait to see how this household looks and functions with a dog. about the gym...i havent had much weight loss, but am already wearing one size smaller clothes...i went to try on some stuff the other day, and the pants i tried were in a size smaller than i am used to wearing... it has been such a fabulous reinforcement of the effort....i caught my reflection in a lift the other day...i can safely say that atleast some bulk around my middle is melting...albeit slowly... but its going...

i am having huge sugar cravings...with this weather, all i'd like is to sink my teeth into a nice muffin or a slice of chocolate cake.... i almost made cinnamon rolls today... i will try and hold out as long as i can....problem is, i feel very guilty to heat up the oven for just a small tiny portion of cake or anything baked....my conscience will not allow me to waste electricity like this...maybe i should bake bread or some rolls to have with soup.... lets see....

i think i have rambled on.... how's your weekend going? doing something fun? or lying low and lazy at home? whatever you do.... peace be with you!

one of those random posts

sometimes the silence inside your head makes you imagine a beautiful tune.....mellifluous voices singing a beautiful song and then you realise it isn't what it appears to be.....i woke up this morning with a beautiful dream, still lingering around....a dream where it was a perfect world....all the things i wanted were in it...and yet i was chasing something,......i was chasing my real life... because all i ever wanted was right here....in it....

for the people who are still reading this blog, if this doesn't make much sense...forget it and dont try to analyse....

Ten days ago, i turned a year older. None of the turning a year older dramas happened (thankfully). it was a lovely day. I spent some time with K, did a bit of shopping and yet, the biggest thing on my mind was the workshop i had the next day and the stuff i needed to get done. At best, I'd call it a working birthday. What was remarkable tho, was the number of people who wished me. Calls never stopped till past 11 p.m and there were more than 200 wishes for me on fb. I was overwhelmed to say the least. i am not one for big celebrations. almost always, birthdays at home meant quiet dinners with extended family. Plus, now it means i get to do all the work....plan, invite, cook and the piece de resistance - CLEAN UP. i can easily give it a pass up and prefer to do a quiet lunch or dinner.... 

this birthday a far cry from the one i had last year... nursing a sore body after trekking into the Valley of Flowers.... birthdays have been so much a representation of my life... some remembered, some not....some large scale some quiet and close....when i look back, i cant remember birthday's other than 2-3...and just one from when i was less than 10... i remember the first b'day in the current house tho... cos it was the first multi group party we had...that full year we had parties one after the other...till K told me he didn't enjoy 'people' gifts and he'd much rather have 'thing' gifts! so out went the parties and for a few years, in came the gifts... now its back to nothing!

Its been a tranquil year tho.... demons rising up now and then, but on the whole, its been good. workwise things are status quo and i guess will remain so till the wind blows strongly some side...the most important change this year has been K and me focussing on health and finally joining a gym. after many attempts at yoga and walking and all of this ably aided by my imagination, i buckled and joined a gym near the house and that has been the single most significant thing i have done this year.... its a little premature, since its been less than a month, but far from being disgusted at myself, i feel motivated and energized. i have health goals and not weight goals now... 

family time has been more....especially with newest member being added, Rohan my nephew and godson.... i think i fell in love the minute i set eyes on him which was the minute he was born ... i havent been able to see him as often as i want to lately ... but i think there is a quick remedy for that soon.... amma's visits have become far and fewer between owing to her health....but the times spent, especially the last visit has been the most enjoyable one, both for her and me! I've grown closer to a few friends, farther from a  few others and  the inner circle of warmth and comfort is becoming more and more obvious.....i wish we traveled a little more than we are currently tho. to spend time exclusively on non family related travel is something i'd like to see a lot more of this year... all in all, no regrets... just a great life i am thankful for.

31 may

yesterday i wrote about how irritated i was that i didnt find the stuff i needed... that ended well and thanks Swaps for the hug... it helped, trust me.... i sorted a tonne of paper rubbish and trashed most of it... i sorted out stuff in my wardrobe...and felt instantly better. in the evening i picked up the duplicate invoice for the computer, ran into my boss at the store, and drove to pick K up so we both could make it to the service centre. 

The Acer service centre in vengal rao nagar in hyderabad is a dump of a place with very unfriendly staff who instantly told me i was late and had to come back the next day. when i told her, i'd already called and asked if i could come because i was a few minutes past their official working hours, and the gentleman asked me to come "no problem" she siad ok and took my complaint. Telling me after a few minutes that the adaptor wasnt in stock and would take 4-5 working days to be replaced since the parts come from bangalore. when asked, she replied that they dont stock these parts... i mean come on.. its a battery adaptor.... possibly the first thing that gets screwed. i asked if i can be given a spare adaptor to use in the meantime... they said no, they dont have that "policy" anyways, with no other option but to login a complaint and wait for them to have mercy, i did just that. 

i just got off the phone with a moron at the acer call centre. i asked him 2 things, would it be possible for me to check with another service centre in hyderabad if they had the stock so i could shift my case to them for a speedier solution. and secondly, was there an email id or phone number where i could express my displeasure at the whole process they have set up. firstly, having worked in a call centre, i know how important it is for the executive at the other end to really comprehend what the caller is saying and then reply. this guy was answering me before i finished asking my question. when i asked him to stop talking and please listen, he said "sorry ma'am i cant do that" :) then he said that they dont have any number or email id where i can write in and express my displeasure with the process (not the same thing as saying i want my adaptor to be replaced in 24 hrs). so they have it on record and it may prompt them towards working to better turn around times.... he said... no they dont have any such thing. i then asked if he was saying, once you bought a product, there was no access to customer service? he asked to put me on hold, and checked and got back saying his senior will call back in 12 hrs. 12 hrs for a call back with an email id!! you Acer, must be joking!

so this is what he asked me to do, gave me the numbers of the other service centre, asked me to call and find out if they had the part ready and then call the call centre back so that he would redirect my complaint. (i called this SC, same response 4-5 days they dont stock parts)

and hopefully someone will call back and give me a freaking email id i can write to. 

how irritating is it to get standard responses from a call centre, the customer just bangs the phone down in frustration. I didnt tho, i politely thanked him for his (lack of) help and hung up.

the search that never ends

do you get into a frenzy searching for something and then realise that you've saved for some inexplicable reason every goddamn bill for groceries, beauty parlours, clothes and sundry other purchases, receipts from insurance payments, milk and newspaper bills etc and yet, can't seem to find the bill for the laptop you bought a few months ago?

i am seized with thoughts that are doing nothing for my self esteem right now.... i am hearing voices that are telling me that i am the world's worst organiser... yeah i keep a pretty home... but i cant seem to find one damn paper when i need it... i would have shoved it somewhere safe am sure... but where that is i dont know now... 

a few months later, when i need to find the bill for the vaccum cleaner... that's when i'll find my laptop bill.... in the meantime, the adaptor that needs to be replaced and will be done under the warranty will have to wait till i can get a duplicate bill from the store i bought it from!

in the mean time, bags and bags of cards and letters, from friends, family and people in the past....craft supplies i really ashamed to acknowledge i have had and done nothing with....and other stuff which i junked or organised as best i could... i then took the easy route out and asked the retailer for a duplicate invoice... today hopefully i wont forget that i need to continue to sort and organise stuff once my laptop is fixed....not a good way to start the week if you ask me....

i must say i had a great weekend. It began on friday night when j & b came over... we've not met up for various work related schedules and schemed... we pigged out totally... home made pizza, traditional south indian, indian chinese, parathas, biryani and italian inspired food... that was what we ate at the various meals... it was food and movies and a good time... the amount of alchohol stocked in our fridge was embarrassing. I had a chocolate class after a long time and enjoyed it so much. i need to keep this going. the summer's heat has ensured that i havent been able to have a class for ages...this time i shifted the timing to the afternoon and it worked well. So maybe this should work out for the next few weeks before it cools off. 

i feel much more calm now that i have managed to get the complaint for my laptop registered. Let's hope this ends well for me. take care and love to those of you who're still reading my rumblings here!

time spent

i think more than ever i need that anonymous blog now! the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions, feelings and yes, temper too and i really really need that blog to vent... i am very troubled over my mood swings of yesterday.... i dont think i have it in me to be giving and accomodative and selfless especially with children...and that has agonised me... 

well now that i have confessed on a public forum, we've spent the last few days with family ... eating meals (overeating in my case), napping, talking and watching a lot of TV... movies, cartoons, myriad mytho babble and yes, cricket. 

we went to watch Housefull yesterday. i think its time to say, move over david dhawan, sajid khan is here to stay. he seems to excel at the mindless sitcom stuff which is funny in parts but has no head or tail.... lara dutta is a fine actress who hasnt gotten roles to do justice to her talent. deepika padukone is a treat for the eyes....as is arjun rampal... him and anyone else in the frame, and your eyes are rivetted on the hunk that is rampal.... akshay and ritiesh have excellent comic timing and that's been said before... its a mindless timepass film about lies and cover ups and theres nothing more to the story or the lack of one... we bought a new p&s camera for my sil and a giant teddy for the niece....pil's are in chennai for a couple of days so k and i are holding the fort....

i've been home bound for the last few days as its fullhouse here... but am happy that have spent some time with yoga after what seems like a year... it really does make you feel better and more energetic....

the heat has been relentless, almost touching 45 officially, so must be atleast a degree more in reality. mangoes have finally graced our table and tongue...so far himayati has been fabulous and banaganapally very disappointing.

so long then... till the next time....

nasty start

right now i am so mad i think i will burst a vessel. yesterday my not so trusty maid D didnt turn up. she'd taken a days leave and extended it by a day with no info. i always tell them to let me know so i can have a back up plan. she's just gotten back from leave of 13 days, i paid her full salary and i think i am being taken for a ride. She's been with me 3 yrs now and she's always been the recipient of my goodness. no salary cuts even when i have to pay extra for the replacement maid, a tv which she's paying 50% for cos her kids were after her life and she was after mine, loans which i dont know when she will pay off, money for treatment and medicines for when she falls sick & everyday treatment which is very nice, basically this is a good workplace. its reflected in the fact that i have 3 maids knocking my doors when this one doesnt turn up and asks for someone to help out didi.... i cant understand why she cant be trustworthy. i yelled at her this morning and i am feeling bad about it. I never yell at the maids...but i wonder if after 3 yrs i am being taken for granted. 

tomorrow K's family will be here. while i cherish my alone time and tend to get cranky when there is too much happening around me, i am looking forward to them being here..... a lot depends on this trip. i hope for the best...that relocation works out for all of us. 

i spent a good 4 hours at the parlour yesterday. it was after a long time that i did anything apart from just waxing my legs and getting my brows threaded. when i saw myself in the mirror this morning, i felt like a weight had lifted from my face...literally, since i got a face clean up done. I am wary of subjecting myself to these things. and the few times i actually got a facial done, i broke out in pimples/ rash.... but this one... just a clean up felt good....maybe i should do one each month, now that i am on the right side of thirty with all the stuff about aging skin etc, but considering i cant stick to even a regimen of cleansing properly at home, i wonder if this is wishful thinking....which brings me to another random thing.... i am greying at an alarming rate... i think i have about 5 tufts of grey, especially at the temples and just after my hairline.... while i never wanted to colour my hair chemically, simple because of the hairloss all my friends have reported and the logistics of maintaining it regularly, mehndi is out of the picture because of the smell that K hates.... so am wondering now if there is some way of stopping this.... each day i seem to have sprouted a few new ones.....am all for aging gracefully, just didnt think it would be this soon! my mother used to be called my grandmother when i was in school because of her greys... that kind of freaked me out back then itself....

anyway.... am done for now... gotto go take care of other stuff.... ciao and have a day that's better than mine

monday

spent the whole day alone at home. did some work, caught up on some correspondence, but that apart it was quite a boring day. fortunately the rains have cooled off the city and i sat without the fan almost the entire day... funnily enough, we had erratic power supply the whole time....apart from the mandatory 2 hrs during the day, the power was off from 3.30 p.m till 10.00. to say that i was not prepared for this is putting it mildly. while we do have power backup, the plug points dont work. so save for reading, there's no other form of entertainment....i decided to read a book i'd picked up a few months ago. i'd picked some light reading and a couple of chick lit book. this one is called right fit wrong shoe or something. it is about 180 pages of crap. so shallow and silly that i cant even get over it. it is a desi M&B with a complete hangover...the guy is a business magnate and has a palatial house in kanpur complete with 2 swimming pools, indoor and outdoor, badminton, tennis and golf course and a gazebo.... gosh... i couldnt believe what i was reading....love- hate, cat- mouse... a few love scenes which neither have justification nor are well written, just plain gauche...at under 100 rupees, it wasn't a waste of money, but definitely a waste of time. why did i finish reading it? well, for starters i am not a quitter. and i wanted to know how it ends, plus there was some hope that it would take an interesting turn. the heroine of the book has a bollywood hangover which is the only refreshing part of the book... if you havent read it, stay away. if you want desi m&b pick it up, if you live in hyd, i can give you my copy!

K's been busy with work and hence comes home quite late. am just waiting for the couple more days before his family comes from ahmd. atleast i wont be rattling in an empty home. 

plus side is we've eaten a lot of home cooked meals.... after the 2 days of withdrawal and denial that renuka wasnt going to be here for 10 days, i kind of am enjoying the stint in the kitchen!

this and that

tgis~ seriously one needs to think i am demented about being happy for the weekend despite all the leisure i get! but the weekend is the weekend and i am happy its here.... went in to work for sometime yesterday....had a feedback session with a client for whom we recently did a prog. I really am amazed each time with how much and how easily corporates think they can bargain. they want top class work at bargain bin prices, and will then micro manage everything...whew.... i am however keeping my mouth shut...no one really wants to know what doesnt work, so why bother...

aside from that, it was a nice relaxed week overall. I am hoping to get much more done this week. i keep saying thaat each week and sometimes it works, sometimes...well it doesnt...

yesterday we spent the evening with a filmmaker friend and watched Kalyug...that shyam benegal film of the 80's. I loved it when i watched it on earlier occasions, but yesterday somehow felt it dragged in many places....K observed that it was funny, that for an adaptation of the mahabharata, it did not have two very vital characters, krishna and shakuni who were absolutely essential for the drama to unfold...Like you can make out, we're huge on movies...sometimes better ones and sometimes movies so bad you wonder why they ever got made. Thursday was self infliction of a double dose of mindless crap....the tamil remake of Main hoon na in aegan and allu arjun's arya 2. 

For Aegan, i have new respect for farha khan...she makes a masala movie look so good....and raju sundaram is obviously no match for farha khan....its not an apple to apple comparison cos of the changes that were made. I realise how bad MHN would have been if not handled well....i think i saw Ajith in a film after 1999 kandukondain kandukondain...he's aged...that's all i can say.....nayanthara...the less said the better...and i did think actor navadeep has talent...

Arya 2 the less said the better...apart from the fact that allu arjun is possibly one of the best dancers this country has seen, there's absolutely nothing else in the movie.... its a mash up of so many movies and such blatant hero worshiping megalomania that its shocking....how can you write a song called "he's mr perfect...." for a guy who essentially looks like darwin's missing link? 

today's lunch at my uncle and aunt's place, it was my aunt's birthday yesterday.... i got her a gift from Fabindia which i hope fits and she likes...yesterday when we went to pick out something, i picked up two pairs of sandals for myself as well.... i needed some everyday kind of footwear....

the digital photoframe K got me is up and running...i finally uploaded some pics onto it, but i need to figure out how to set up the dimensions and the orientation.....i love it tho...with over 5000 photos on my laptop and 10k on the hdd, i needed a digital solution to this!! its nice to see some of them and go back in time when they were clciked...especially the fish pedicure and rachel's impish face!

for once, i seem to have abandoned the photoblog for this one...i need to sort through the pics and upload them....happy weekend everyone...i hope you have a fun time

overdosing on movies

been a nondescript week of sorts so far....we ended the weekend with S, R, A and baby G coming over and the high point for them was the biryani from four seasons and for me the CSK win... i may be called a traitor or whatever...but who can resist MSD? not me.... 

monday was a quiet day with me working from home and only in the evening we had a meeting followed by dinner with the team I work with. It was sort of a run up to an AGM and some stuff was discussed. Dinner was at a pretty popular chinese restaurant,, which has good food and very sucky service...they didnt disappoint, either with the food or the service which sucked big time. tuesday was an early day, we continued the AGM with numbers and revenues...and I'm pretty numb after it all. I am very focused right now on what i will do and that's all that matters at the end of the day i guess... still i cant help feeling a bit like i have much more in me to be explored workwise...and its a chicken and egg situation...should i put more effort and wait for the encouragement and praise or vice versa.... because i know to launch into the next phase, i need some wind under my wings.

Mid week was non descript too. I am watching a lot of tamil and telugu movies, videos, movie clips, interviews etc...I realise that if i stay away because of the language issues, i will miss so much genious...So far we've seen Madurey (vijay) which was very sub standard, Polladhavan (dhanush) yesterday which has excellent screenplay, acting and cinematography despite being a masala mass movie... new respect there for dhanush....a few days ago we saw Kantri (NTR Jr.) who despite the weight loss packs a punch and has excellent screen presence... cant stand that hansika motwani tho....Watched bits of Magadheera, which i loved...paruthiveeran...stark, excellent, but too gory for me... karthi and priyamani in top class acts...cant believe its karthi's first movie... we have another pile of tamil / telugu movies waiting...need to plough thru them as well...

Listening to Raavan now... ARR's music always needs to grow on me...i need to go cook lunch now.... K's taken the day off today....sanathnagar factory later today for a dinner set etc for B's mom....

100 truths

I saw this on a random blog i landed up on and thought its been a while since i did something like this!! here goes....100 truths about me...


LAST

1. Last beverage: Coffee
2. Last phone call: To the gas agency to book the gas 
3. Last text message: from vodafone to tell me my bill is due in a few days 
4. Last song you listened to: Can’t remember…but I think it was something from VTV
5. Last time you cried: Saturday evening…don’t ask me why!
HAVE YOU EVER
6. Dated someone twice? No
7. Been cheated on? yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Nope!
9. Lost someone special?yes
10. Been depressed? Of course…much more than was ever required I think.
11. Been drunk and thrown up? yes...more than once!!
12. Kissed a stranger? No
13. Lost glasses/contacts? No
14. Had sex on first date? No
15. Broken someone’s heart? Yes…I suppose…
16. Had your own heart broken? Yes…what goes around, comes around!
17. Been arrested? Not yet!
18. Turned someone down? Yes.
19. Cried when someone died? Of course....even if they die in a movie
20. Liked a friend that is a girl?Liked as in romantically? no.
IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU
21. Made new friends? No
22. Fallen out of love? No
23. Laughed until you cried? yes....mostly when k is imitating people or reading status messages from fb in his special voice
24. Met someone who changed you? Yes
25. Found out who your true friends were? Yes 
26. Found out someone was talking about you? Yes. But i dont really give a damn
WHAT’S YOUR
27. Name: Arundati
28. Nicknames: Anu, Aru, papa, ammulu and k man  
29. Relationship status: Married
30. Zodiac sign: Cancer
31. Male or female or transgendered: Female
32. Elementary: St. George's Grammar  
33. School: Sri Vidya 
34. Colleges: The Mother's Girls jr. college, St. Ann's, PSG Cbe
35. Hair color: Black with some bits slowly greying now....
36. Long or short: half way...midway down my back  
37. Height: 5'2
FIRSTS
38. First surgery: tonsilitis at age 7
39. First piercing: ears, when i was 11 months old....i dont remember anything
40. First best friend: Syeda
41. First sport you loved: Tennis, because i was in love with Boris Becker
42. First pet: Mickey, our beautiful black spaniel
43. First vacation: can't remember that
44. First concert: Euphoria at Channel V's roadshow
RIGHT NOW
45. Eating: Nothing
46. Drinking: Nothing
47. I’m about to: Go make some chai
48. Listening to: the whirring of the ceiling fan and the banging of the carpenters from the apartment above
49. Waiting for: Mangoes
YOUR FUTURE
50. Want kids? dont know
51. Want to get married? again? no
52. Careers in mind? coffee grower, restauranter, beach bum
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
53. Lips or eyes: both 54. Hugs or kisses: Both
55. Shorter or taller: it doesnt really matter
56. Older or younger: doesnt matter....its the mental age over chronology 

57. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously romantic 
58. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms....am always a sucker for good arms on a man
59. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
60. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
61. Trouble maker or hesitant: neither
DO YOU BELIEVE IN
62. Yourself: yes, most of the time :)
63. Miracles: Yes
64. Love at first sight: No. Attraction maybe........
65. Heaven: Dont know....
66. Santa Claus: No...........but whoever created him did a bloody good job!!
67. Kiss on the first date: Yes, why not?
68. Angels: Yes…mostly in human form
LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS
69. blue
70. yellow
71. White
72. red
73. Have you kissed anyone on your friends list? yes
74. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? about 80%
75. How many kids do you want to have? Dont know....either none...or three
76. Do you have any pets? Not for now
77. Do you want to change your name? No
78. What did you do for your last birthday? spent a quiet day at home with dinner i think
79. What time did you wake up today? 9.30 a.m 
80. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Mani Ratnam's Geetanjali
81. Name something you CANNOT wait for? the summer to end
82. Last time you saw your father? in real life? sept 23 2002
83. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Nothing really...i believe what i am today is because of my yesterdays...and i dont want to change that, no matter how personally shattering....
84. Most visited webpage: Google
85. Do you have a crush on someone? no
86. Ever been in love? yes
87. Piercings? two sets of ear piercings and one nose stud 
88. Tattoos? Not yet, but hopefully before my birthday this year
89. Righty or lefty: Righty
90. On Internet since: more than a decade
91. Video game: i dont play video games  
92. When left alone: browse, blog, cook, bake or sleep
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
93. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
94. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? no 
95. Wanted to kill some one ever? No
96. Among you blog mates, who would you like to kiss? No one
97. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Yes
98. Wanted to steal you friend’s boyfriend / girlfriend? Not yet!
99. Wanted to run away from your loved ones in anger, because they didn’t listen? No
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Yes

Wednesday

got an early headstart..cant remember the last time i woke up before 7 a.m... oh yes on those insane winter days we made a roadtrip to udaipur....i digress....

started the training at 8.15 and i was there more as an observer cos i am handholding and grooming a bunch of senior guys who're rolling out a functional training program.... nice to see people so enthu that early...ofcourse breakfast on the house helps....and nice to see guys who will be part of my final train the trainer, putting in so much effort and actually wearing different shoes... they were all "oh ma'am we didnt think it would be so difficult...it takes a lot to stand there and do that ... etc" well...am glad you noticed!!

We wrapped up by 3 p.m... it was too hot and i was too tired to stay for lunch... went back to office, enroute picked up some pupps... curry pupps, egg pupps and a veg roll... had a roll for my late lunch and took the pupps back home for the K man....had a canceled meeting at 4.30, so headed home after that...

K man was back home later than scheduled... but atleast before midnight... we had nondescript dinner in the bedroom cos it was unbearable to eat at the dining table... cherry on the cake was watching geetanjali ....

this is i think the only movie mani rathnam made in telugu.... i loved the music... i loved the presentation of the woman in this movie... no glam sham... no masking the pimples or the less than perfect body and so fresh.... the girl is shown as someone who takes life or whatever is left for her one day at a time...and gives the guy the answers he is seeking from life....and for the first time i saw nagarjuna do something nice....he used his eyes well...and all those who say naga chaitanya is the image of his dad...he has a long way to go!! pc sreeram's camerawork was top class and i remember the haunting memories of the kissing song...so beautifully picturised...although their lips barely graze... it was scandalous for the late 80's.... every woman wanted to be geetanjali and every guy wanted to be prakash!! i just didnt like the way it ended... too much dramabaazi for a story so well crafted.....it sorts of cheats you in the end...

boring blessed day

Had a rather boring day today. I woke up rested thank god and was less cranky than yesterday!! the veggie situation is dismal so last night had soaked some rajma to escape that inevitable morning question! I had a morning meeting and so left home earlier than K, I find cute when he stands at the door till i disappear into the life....most mornings, the lift is where he disappears and i stand at the door!!

had a pretty fruitful meeting...am to do some ground work before i revert with my recommendations... headed to office, did some updations and had lunch. since there was nothing significant to do, i wrapped up around 2.30 and headed home...shade from trees were so deceptive...so a few hours after parking in what i thought was shade, the car was out in the open and hot as a furnace...napped for a while...A dropped in for chai...made some dhokla and dosa for her... we chatted... its always good to spend time with a friend...she had to leave early to get to her mom's house for dinner, so an auto was called...quiet dinner and couple of phonecalls later...i lie on the bed while i type this... tmrw is a busy day... i leave home at 7.30 for an 8.00 a.m training. It going to be a full day... better hit the sack...its early evening by my standards..i can still try, maybe a book will do the trick!

Monday

Its been a good fruitful day well spent...as shilpa commented on yesterday's post, this could be the after effects of a sunday well spent. I slept finally around 3 and slept well past 7, I know i cant bear one more day of "kya banaoo ma'am" early in the morning... two davaras of filter kaapi later, i was ready to wake up and take on the world. Wished Appa...he was so excited and happy... homam in the temple and special birthday feast... happy birthday pa...am glad to have you in my life...

at 12 for a client meeting to finalise training schedules and modules for a 4 month effort...the work done by the team was very very good and i was very happy to see this level of enthusiasm and commitment...we need to take this forward and multiply the excitement...the only thing i hate about this client...parking is a pain in the @$$...i drove around 10 minutes in a 1 km radius and had to park almost a km away...anyways... that done (it took longer than i estimated, and we wound up after 2.30 p.m). i went back to pantaloons to pick up some stuff i saw yesterday on our way out when K was tired of the sunday shoppers and so pleaded that i should go back another time and look at it... i had to follow his word!! i am nothing if not an obedient wife!! 

back home around 4 and there was no power... managed to rest for a while before i started to send out some mails etc...after the sunday indulging...i am in no mood to do anything in the kitchen...so had some slices of homemade bread with the leftover's of yesterday's ginger mushrooms!! funny... but enough to fill the stomach...

tomorrow i have a meeting lined up with a healthcare company...they're interested in our work in training and i hope to be able to make some headway there... the week looks full after that... monday started well...new clothes to wear too!! :) i hope to close this week on the same happy note....spirits...stay with me...

sleepless again

its monday...it's appa's star b'day...i hope i remember to call and wish him....happiness, health and peace above all....

its 1:30 a.m and i am unable to sleep....courtesy the longish nap i took hidden under the razai with the a/c on....had a restful day today...woke late... opened the door for renuka and devi and went back to sleep...i think i babbled something about mango dal and rice....she made steamed and sauteed raw plantains too...which i had after i woke and brushed...around 11.30 a.m in true (pseudo in my case) brahminical style...cos the idlies and multi dal dosa looked so meh!! K woke up a little later and with a few morsels out of my plate declared he was ditching the idlies too....

the people on the top floor were hitting and banging and hammering...and making such a din... i think some carpentry or something, but the noise of the electric saw is so agonisingly annoying that i didnt know what to do....imagine sleeping thru that noise!! K went upstairs to tell them the friction caused cracks on our ceiling, they came down to inspect and finally took the hammering downstairs... go piss someone else off and screw their sunday afternoon....

i had a bath and tried to sleep... K is like a child with an exciting new book...cant blame him, its my diary from '98!! The part of my life he asks me again and again of...the year i went to PSG...so intermittently he would ask me why i wrote something or who someone was...i cant remember a lot of them...some of the names enterred there are still a part of my life in some way.... i think i should start writing everyday again...if not anything it makes for a nice reflection of what your life was in the past....

i felt hungry again at 1 and no way was going to eat those damned idlies..so indian chinese from punjabi rasoi...they were rather (surprisingly) disappointing today... but noodles are noodles and so i fed myself and K...napped till 6 and felt so much better (that time of the month....bloody pain in the wrong place), chai on the balcony with K after ages...

we headed out...just the both of us after many months...to pantaloons..i wanted a block printed pj...they didnt have it in my size...so picked a plain ochre kurta and patiala salwar and dupatta set, one kurti from lee cooper and 3 t shirts...then to levis for K's jeans... they have a real groovy store in JH....we wanted to check out hall of fame...the new sports lounge... it was full...and full of snob rreal estate funded boys ..  its now the new place to hang out... typical hyderabadi mentality...this will be the next best thing for the next 2 months...for some reason they were discouraging couples!! refreshing for the boys i guess!! we wondered where else to go... idlies in the casserole be damned!! just thinking that we never used to take so much time to decide where to go...we landed up at senor pepe's opp KBR park...they do decent tex mex...we had an assorted platter of  nachos...some fried spring roll type of thing and quesadilla ...large portions with sour cream and salsa...so we ordered one fettucine pasta dish for the both of us to share...which was very very disappointing....back home...i wanted to sleep before 11.30....K wanted to talk...he read me my old love letters...the emails i wrote to him.....i cant believe i wrote that well.....:) with all that....he chased my sleep away...w hich brings me to the present...we're both awake... him watching something on tv (the first its been switched on this week) and i am typing away...do you think i can force myself to sleep? i must try it...

loads to do tmrw...i need to finish two meetings and swing some business my way.... i think i will like doing it...may spend some time in office as well...

its been a good weekend....i am thankful for it...now to force myself to sleep...goodnight!

really long rant

I thought i would let it go, but its so much in my head that i should get it out of there for my own sanity.... in the last post i mentioned that i have now realised completely with no room for doubt in my head that i am not a happy person when i am not in control of a situation....its like this, where i or something i bring to the table are at stake, i would rather be in control...where i dont have to be a central, important to the plot character i am perfectly happy sitting on the sidelines....

what happens when the two are mixed is a recipe for total disaster in my book....have you found yourself trying to cook in a kitchen that isnt your own surrounded with alien gadgets and people bustling about, more like being in your hair and feet? the end product is always crappy and like shit luck has to follow you around...that one dish which everyone lapped up and begged for more, when you try to make it in someone else's kitchen turns out to be the worst kitchen disaster ever.... this is just an example... i mean when expectations are sky high, and circumstances not to your liking, the end result is always frustratingly disappointing....

i tried too hard to please a few people.... to cater to needs they didnt really have...and i was so bitterly disappointed. especially because i gave them the gift of my time, and it wasnt reciprocrated. I came home thinking of the 6 hrs wasted and how i would have rather had some me time....read a book, blogged or just slept.....a time when i could have rejuvenated instead of boiling my blood.

i could have taken control...ordered the pesky kids (i really need to develop a threshold for 8-9 yr old oversmart children) off and asked for everyone to pay attention to what we were trying to do....i didnt want to...appear rude...i wanted to make the most of the situation...and i failed miserably...

I've been teaching people to bake and make chocolates for 3 years now......many times, these sessions are not done in my house...i've done it at friend's houses, offices, office cafeterias and even at schools.... never once have the results been so disastrous... i had no idea who was doing what...disinterested minds, constant reference to "someone else making it this way", children demanding attention and wanting to be part of the melee....we forgot the sugar in one, added too much melted butter in another and abandoned the fourth recipe .....

no offense to anyone involved... but i really dont think i can repeat this performance...i dont need to please anyone....i dont need to prove my credentials....and i dont need to wage a battle...and all for what?? to bake a cake!

of this group, there was one for who's sole sake i agreed to do this... i think it would have been a lot better had i just stopped at this one person and we'd hung out and experimented together...just the both of us....

And the most frustrating part of this whole thing is, i am feeling angry at having disappointed everyone...i wonder if they even gave a thought to all that time of mine wasted...

Updates from here and there

the hot summer days and nights are making me quickly lose track of time....work to be done, house to be run (hey that rhymes) and other random stuff which isnt so blog worthy....and in the melee... i dont write as much as i should.....

I've done a fair bit of work these past two weeks and i feel a great deal of pleasure in the accomplishment....I do enjoy the training room immensely....I've slipped into a phase of self deprecation where work is concerned and clearly that needs to stop because that isnt helping me one bit...why can't i see the goodness and talent that the world around me can see so clearly? i need to work on this one....

one big notion i had about myself is constantly being reinforced....i hate a situation where i am not in control...because that directly affects the way in which i react, perform and the results...i was recently in one such situation that i wasnt in full control of (non work related) ...and as a result...the end product was way below my personal standard of expectation...and i had a couple of sleepless nights over it... why i know...i need to work backwards with this....

Weddings...summer and weddings are like a lethal combination.... 2 weddings of friends with girls of their choice, met with stiff parental opposition and finally the girls had to do it without their families in tow....i felt thankful that despite my jest that i'd have eloped with K had our parents not agreed to our wedding, i am sure i would have been too sad and teary if i actually had to do it....there's just something so sad about not having your family around you when you take your vows and begin life with the partner you want to be with (hopefully) for the rest of your life. thank you amma, amma and appa for agreeing and being large hearted....despite everything that you didnt approve of, you still blessed us with your presence....it was like saying, i dont like or approve of what you are doing, but since its important to you, i will be by your side....

i think i ODed on sarees this past month....3 times in as many weeks and i think my quota for the year is exhausted...the thing about wearing a saree....is that it has to turn out absolutely right, the discomfort with the drape of the garment can make your life hell otherwise....i realise its just practice...and all those years of draping sarees for classmates in LH (ladies hostel) definitely served as practice...

Today baby boy G got an official name.... he's now baby boy A...we celebrated with the happy family at a post baptism lunch (we never made it to the church because we couldnt wake up!!) Kids can really entertain themselves anywhere .... i cant remember ever being so outgoing as a child...i wanted to cling to my mom...chee.....

Anyways... chalo... K's watching an inane comedy on TV and i want to join him..to ciao!!

sunday

Last evening didn't end too well.... what is it about a day, that you know it will swing either way right at the beginning?? i was sure glad i fell asleep and woke up rested and fresh this morning... thankful as always to be surrounded by the people i love and the stuff that is most important to me.....

After a good lunch and yapping with my mom, i fell asleep around 4.30 p.m only to wake up at 7.30p.m that was quite some nap i had.....K got home with excruciating Sciatica and couldn't find relief no matter what position he lay down or sat in.... around 1 a.m he braved the pain and drove to an all night pharmacy to get some medication... having slept that late in the evening,  i couldn't sleep till way pat 2 a.m....

thankfully the both of us woke up rested... we're looking forward to lunch with extended family now....am sure today will be a better day than yesterday.... how are you spending yours??

weekend this and that

the weekend has started and i wasnt a very cheerful woman this morning. I got all worked up about something regarding work and i usually try not to take things personally, especially when dealing with clients. I almost failed this morning (i took it very personally). and that really irritated me. For not being able to seperate work and all that. if you are passionate about what you do, does it become difficult to stay detached? such questions crowded my head and threatened to take over my mood.... thankfully some comfort, wise counsel and i was back on track... a lovely lunch with amma, talked instead of napped and then when i  finally fell asleep i  slept like a baby, despite the neighbour practicing his (very bad) drumming and the dogs barking nonstop!! what is the power of sound sleep? that when it does come to you, it wipes out all thoughts... good and bad...and for the first 10 minutes after waking up, gives you a clean slate and a blank mind to focus on things that are more important?

am hoping to catch a movie on tv for the rest of this evening and rustle up some (more) comfort food.... today i shall indulge.... for tomorrow i may die (t) 

how are you spending your weekend? doing something fun?