Monday, October 11, 2010

all about tears

roller coaster feelings are nothing new to me.... i don't know if i have said this earlier, but despite what it may look like, i cry quite easily. often for no reason, sometimes for nothing. i dont know what it is about tears that well up in my eyes, it looks like they are omnipresent. anything can turn me teary...

like seeing this baby in this makeshift cradle on a construction site. for days after i saw this, i couldn't focus on anything except how sweetly he smiled at me all the while i stood there, stunned. for many days i couldnt get that image out of my mind, i  went to bed teary but thankful for all the blessings I've had.

there are those moments, when everything just stands still and i am in tears....i cant say why or how...like this weekend which after a long time, was a quiet weekend for us. We were by ourselves and watched movies from the afternoon till into the early morning. just sitting there with K, running my hand through his hair and him turning around to look at me reduced me to tears. i was spaced out and in a rotten mood just a few hours ago. blame it on  the lack of sleep induced crankiness. he gives me the benefit of doubt i am at times unwilling to give him. i really lucked out with this man, i swear! one moment, we were dipping biscuits into chai and talking...the other moment a bewildered man looked at his wife who was sobbing! All because i was thankful to be with him.

earlier i wouldn't accept that i cried so much. something i naively thought would help preserve my tough girl image. i only cry in private, behind a closed door, preferably the bathroom. if i feel teary i rush to the nearest washroom! but now i have no qualms in accepting that i cry. my eyes and nose resembles rudolph the red nosed reindeer. and i look worse than i usually do... but in my heart and soul i feel like a weight of a few tonnes has lifted and i feel so relieved.

have you felt like that? so tensed about a situation at work or home that you feel you will burst into a million pieces? i remember a few weeks before our wedding, the wedding cards didnt come out right. i bawled and bawled.... in the washroom of the office. my friend thought the wedding was called off! and when i said it was the cards, she was so relieved. she says she wanted to hit me cause i made it look so terrible, when all i was crying over were some badly printed cards! after i was spent, i got up, went back to the printers and made myself one of the most elegant wedding cards you'll ever see. but for that to happen, the dam had to burst.

i like to cook when i am upset or pissed off. it takes my mind off everything else that is driving me nuts. there is something about chopping, stirring and creating a dish that tastes damn good that is like therapy for me. i sometimes feel like my mind can't shut off. like i am standing at times square, drunk, doped and all i can see is psychedelic lights whizzing past. cooking to the rescue even here! a few hours later, i can take on the world! it feels like i am recharged!  is this weird? anyone else react like this?

2 comments:

Swapna said...

ooohh yeah....

Insanely Yours said...

nice thoughts...