has it been so long

since i last posted?I have opened the new post window countless times, and then shut it for want of nothing particular to say, not enough time to type it out, no mood or foul mood (:)) .... its been a busy month of january for me.... most importantly i took a 12 day trip to ahmedabad and udaipur thrown in for a few days.... ahmedabad just happened... K had some work and it was way overdue... we had a nice trip and we took a short one with the family to udaipur as well.... more on that later.... i have been pretty listless of late... i feel an absolute lack of interest in most things....including food, which has happened for the first time in my life... i am trying to shake myself out of this state... but it doesnt seem to be working so far, more than ever now i want to write anonymously.... 2 things are keeping my mind occupied.... the plans i have for the gardening venture... incidentally i picked up my first cheque for this....and my photoblog....doesnt the mundaneness of life just get to you sometimes??

so much for resolutions!

so much for thinking i want to write more often here..... the only thing i am doing more regularly than i expected was to eat smaller more sensible meals, walk atleast 20 mins a day, take the stairs and take care of my composter! not bad for a self confessed couchie like me!!

anyways... workwise things are slow...a few trainings a month is the way it is now...good for me because i am getting so much time to work on other things that dont cause stress... speaking of which .... i did a prog way back in dec when the client was so sketchy about the profile, reluctant to share anything about participant background, agreed upon an outline...and then sends back feedback that the participants felt it was too much to do everything on their own (it was a complete activity based prog) and that they felt the trainer didnt know where they were going to apply their learning!! absolutely right.... what were they expecting? a 60 slide lecture? i would have thought that everyone appreciated practical application...apparently not... anyways, the feedback took more than 5 weeks to come, so not that i am judging, but says a lot for how we like to work....i wonder if we are expecting life altering changes to happen with one day of training....what about unlearning 22-25 yrs of stuff....

i've begun to have a fairly good amount of enquiries for my urban gardening venture... i've completed a few and a few more in the pipeline...am excited...and apprehensive too....collecting material for a website and then take a call in 6 months time about a permanent shift....

i've spoken with friends, soul sisters and i realise that the greatest wisdom lies within me... a lot of them... are kind enough to tell me that i am admired for who i am and what i have achieved...and i just cant seem to take that at face value...i always feel that compliments are unreal and that i am unaccomplished!! take about paradoxes!! now all i need is a little more self belief... but isnt that what all of us are running after.....this is a work in progress for me....i wonder how people think i come across as confident, opinionated (in a nice way i hope) and courageous..... when all i keep hearing inside my head is that i am insecure, unsure and scared!! a soul sister said to me on chat the other day.... you wrestle with trouble and bury it into the ground.... we dont...the words she used may be diff cos i cant recall.... but i was amazed... it was like she was talking about someone else... i thank god for giving me the courage to do all i have... and if i have come across as a strong person... then that's a huge bonus!

i also cant make out if its a compliment when people say they are like me... just like me... or we are so so similar (notice the two so's) because i dont see any similarity in us.... i've not come across another woman like me....with the same convictions, beliefs and weaknesses.... so then how come they see us as similar?? generic similarities in choice of movies, clothes, decor yes... but otherwise? and not just me... i believe every human is different...and thats why we're individuals! the only person i think i am similar to is my mother.... i think i am becoming more of her as i get older.... my beliefs are almost the same... cos i think that's what our exposure has been to life.....physically i think i am more like my peddi.... i'm looking more like her... and ofcourse i have her temper!! and now that i am seeing my niece growing up.... i sometimes have a dejavu moment....she's way more talkative than i was at that age tho!

there's been a lot on my mind lately.... i prefer to be alone rather than with people.... ironically january has been one of the most active months for us socially! i fear i will again go thru the phase where i dont want to talk and be my usual energetic self that everyone expects from me now! its too much to explain why you want to be quieter than usual....so i end up talking and bouncing off walls anyways!! 

we're leaving to ahmedabad for a week tomorrow..... its been almost a year... i am excited as i want to do some sight seeing in the city this time... i've always wanted to... but never have... and hoping i wont go berserk with the shopping!

Shopping ...........

Every year, at Christmas, i give my house help a saree and some sort of a bonus. With the bandhs the whole month of december, i couldnt get this done on time. I have two ladies working for me, Renuka is the cook who makes our breakfast and lunch, she's been with me since for about 6 months, and Devi who does the other housework and has been with me for 3 years now. On christmas day, i just gave them cake and the special preparations and the bonus, and asked for time to give them the sarees. They got all giddy and giggly and said i can take my time.... i surely took them seriously!! Today after work, i set out to shop. I landed up at one of those huge malls within a store type of places.... to save me the bother of searching for something appropriate and finding many choices under the same roof.

i always face this dilemma when i buy stuff for them. how does one choose for someone who does household work.... what kinds of clothes would they like to buy /wear considering most of them manage with what they get as hand me downs from their employers rather than new clothes from the store....what colours should i choose... the ones i wear are considered dull and drab by them....what material....and how much should i spend....i dont want to give them something cheap, just for the sake of giving them.... but something that they will wear and feel happy in.... is this all too much?

i picked up a couple of those embellished sarees with all the sequins in it. (because i know Devi loves them)..then i moved on to another counter where i saw some "fake kanchi" sarees and felt they would be better suited in terms of maintenance and wear-ability and also since i took the sequinned route last year... i settled on three. (one for the lady who sweeps the corridors and stairs and also is my backup maid).... also bought a gold plated mangalsutra for one cos the one she is currently wearing is held together with more safety pins than chain.....and a set of 4 bangles for the other so she wont feel she got a bad deal....

i will present them tomorrow. Honestly i feel as anxious as any of the other times when i hope the gift i have chosen is well liked.....

oh and the coloured plastic baskets are for myself!! i had to pay myself a commission after all!! Also one hell of a soft blanket for K because he loves his blankets and the current razai is taking up too much space on our bed.... plus it was on discount!!