Saturday, October 27, 2018

Just can't wrap my head around this

I've had two pieces of such tragic news delivered to me this week that I haven't been able to wrap my head around any of it.

Early last saturday morning, I saw a text from a student who'd signed up for my weekends only classes. She texted to apologise she won't be able to make it for class as late the previous night, her husband met with an accident and died.

As I read the first few words, I assumed this was another one of those 'i'm sorry I cant come today due to XYZ reasons' that I usually get from students occasionally to plead off from a session.

I read and re read the message. N was a lady in her late forties, early fifties, one daughter who had just been sent to england to study and N had taken my class to pass her time productively after suddenly finding herself with an empty nest. She immediately petted and cooed to Sage, and told me about her St. Bernard rescued dog Alex. I never met her husband, but the tragedy was so uncomfortably personal that I couldn't shake it off.

Yesterday, a friend who had ordered apple pies from me, which I had not yet delivered because I was very busy and I am notoriously late for stuff like this texted to say, no need for apple pies.

I replied with my usual apology and said tomorrow pucca. She said no, the kid died, and the mother also. I responded with complete disbelief, thinking this was my friend being sarcastic.

Apparently the lady lost her husband in june and ever since was depressed, she made her 7 year old kid inhale nitrogen gas and later she too inhaled it and committed suicide. I made the pie crust on thursday and stuck it in the fridge to finish up on friday by which time she was dead. I cannot even begin to process this.

A person feeling so desperately alone and killing her child and herself in this bizzare manner! It is just so heartbreaking!

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Mindless tv

I have spent all my non working days in the last few weeks watching TV sacked out on the bean bag in a dark room.

I love it and I get annoyed when I am interrupted by both man and beast. Sage doesn't like being confined to the room a lot and resists by panting in my face a couple of times, until he realises I am not going to heed and settles down to sleep for a few hours.

The amount of sub standard crap is boggling and my appetite for it is shocking too.

Yesterday I watched a made for internet movie with some of the finest actors from hindi movies and theater and it was utter tripe! It brought to mind an interview of Nawazuddin Siddiqui where he said so much trip was being made in the name of realistic parallel cinema. 

Sunday, September 2, 2018

So far, so good

I realised it is the first of september already today and it has filled me with a sense of insipidness. I have been in a state of limbo for a while now.  A lot of it related to work and personal stuff thats happening. I suddenly find myself being anxious about a lot of things I didnt care about earlier. I would brush things off and believe when the time is right, I would be able to deal with it and or fix it and I find myself no longer able to do that.

Starting with Sage, he turned 7 in june and it set me off in ways I am worried about. A brief and intense spate of seizures left me with a patch of acne on my face that hasnt yet subsided. I broke out with the stress of managing him and preventing a spiral cluster. Since then, he hasnt been himself. Refusing his walks, quieter than usual and disinterested in most things he liked  except food. I am unable to read the patterns and therefore unable to have a plan. Most of my responses are reactive and I dont like that about the situation. I like to be prepared, but in this case I am forced to go with the uncertain flow. My movements are further restricted and it has led to me feeling a little suffocated and guilty in equal measures.

Workwise, things have quietened down and this has led to some more anxiety. It spirals into feelings of loneliness, anxiety about what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing enough and while I was able to internalise all of it for the longest time, I now am feeling overwhelmed at regular intervals.

I have not met any of my health goals this year, my skin looks worse than ever, my nails and hair are dry and brittle and I feel I have taken my body for granted so much. I have been unable to stick to even the yoga class which was right next door that i felt I wouldnt be able to skip. But since amma left back to bangalore early last month, something or the other has happened and I havent gone since the last two weeks. Fortunately, food wise I am on track. With K on his fitness mission and eating a specific diet, we are eating almost exclusively at home and eating well.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Jan 13 - a place recently visited

The last place I've visited before coming here to karwar was Mangalore. We stayed at a resort a little outside of the city but we went into the city a few times to explore and visit some tourist spots and eat.

Beautiful tile roof homes, with flourishing backyard gardens. Almost every home has coconut, banana, drumsticks and lemon trees. Not uncommon to spot a couple of chickens and cows. A lot of the homes have an outdoor stove possibly to heat water. Going by the number of cars parked in every home, beautiful elaborate homes and the vibrant market and stores, Mangalore is a rich city.

It's a well equipped town, almost every big retail brand has a presence. Large old educational institutions with massive Infrastructure dot the city. Lots and lots of children and young adults playing in huge playgrounds. I loved the terrain of the city, slightly hilly because of the ghats so it's nice to go up and then come down on city roads Reminded me so much of vizag.

The food is fantastic anywhere you eat. But I found the famous ice creams a bit hyped up.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Jan 12 - a need you can meet

Having about 600 rupees between us and eternity (both of us had exhausted/ lost our savings) was a wake up call that shaped my last five years. The money was lost due to unforgiving circumstances and not carelessness.
From that day to today when in it's current need and shape I can comfortably take care of our family, it has been a journey that has been long, disciplined and rewarding in equal measures. It has made me ask myself to be more ambitious and less frivolous and I have obeyed.
I'm very proud of this.