Day 1 ~ K

I am starting this year with a seven days of gratefulness exercise.

2014 ended with a bang! Quite literally I mean. We went to my friends B & J's for a party. The terrace was done up with fairy lights and candles, like a wonderland. There was great food, booze, no music and just a few people enough to have proper conversations with. Oh yeah Sage ran amok for a while and had to be seriously reprimanded.

After the party and dinner, on our way out, I was sort of fast trotting because Sage had a loo call and before I realised what happened, excruciating pain and immobility told me I was down on the ground, in a heap, in a rather ungraceful pose, because I fell with all my might and twisted my ankle. I was sure I had a fracture, I shuddered which doctor would be available at 3.45 AM on a new years day.

So what am I grateful for? K

He's my partner of almost 19 years, my best friend, lover and the keeper of my spirit. I usually forget how fortunate I am to have him to journey this life with, because I am so used to having him around. I am grateful I fell in love with him, his intelligence and his courage. I am grateful I married him because I almost didn't.

It is easy to see the warts and pick on him, like I wrote here. But on days like today, when I am laid up in bed, wincing in pain and wondering how the house and schedule of which I am the 100% custodian will manage, he steps in. Goofy face and troubled voice cannot hide his concern.

He helps me out of my clothes, into my night clothes, inspects my foot, puts on some pain relieving ointment, gives me some tabs, props my foot up on a pillow, tucks me in and asks me to sleep and it will be all better tomorrow he says. I want to scream, in pain, in embarrassment at my clumsiness, in anger and in sheer helplessness. He insists it is not a fracture that I am convinced of. And I want to scream back with "what would you know? It hurts so bad" but exhaustion takes over and I sleep.

When I wake up, he has walked the dog, fed and medicated him, made himself some awful coffee, ordered breakfast and asked our friends if they can bring over some lunch, with extras to last a few days because he cannot cook. through the day, he keeps the house spic and span, even cleans the kitchen and I wonder if this is the same slothful guy I've lived with all these years. He stays at my side, icing my foot, massaging it, putting on my sprain bandage and asking me to will myself to be better.

I take pictures and send them to all my friends on whatsapp. Poking fun at him, but inside, I am overwhelmed with the tenderness and love that he is showering over me. I am grateful for his care. I am grateful for his encouragement, for the way he talks sense even when enraged. Most of all I am grateful he chose me to be with.

The next time I am mad about a wet towel on the freshly made bed, I will come back and read this post. :)

Of this and that, but mostly K

Its been a while. Yes, far too many posts have been typed and left to die a slow death in the drafts folder. Far too many posts remain still in my head. I just popped in to say hello and that all is well.

The previously mentioned house help lasted all of 10 days and I was back to sweeping and swabbing. I got another lady to help in a few days and although she is as slow as a snail, she is sincere. That I can live with.

October with the exception of Diwali was a rather slow month for me in terms of my activity at the Studio. Classes happened, but not always with the energy that I like to infuse. I kept at it, because once I have people and they surround me and I am in my teacher's mode, something magical happens to me. I forget the bad mood, the aches and pains and tiredness, the angst with everyone in the universe and hunger even sometimes. I only want to give my all to that batch of eager beavers who are waiting for me to teach them.

On one of our long drives one night about a month ago, with Sage sitting in the backseat with the window open, K said something so different from what I am used to listening that I stopped in my tracks. He said, "you have something I envy. Diligence and a sense of responsibility and commitment which I don't have. Your passion is backed up by solid hard work. The money you earn comes because you work with your hands, each pie of it." In the 19 years that we have been together, this is the first time he has said something like this to me. When you have known someone for more than half your life, it is difficult I guess, to make observations which seem well thought out. One tends to generally go with the everyday flow of things, characteristics they have are slightly blurry from the near-ness. And mostly we focus on the niggling irritants much more than we need to. 

K also told me that if it were him, he would have thrown in the towel and said Fuck it after the third month. And here I was, years later still going at it. He told me that I put the work ahead of me and not my ego and that no matter what, I get up, get dressed and show up for work.

It is not that what he said sounded like praise to me and hence I liked what he spoke. If anything, I value K's opinion on most things, he does not offer a knee jerk reaction to anything.

So at a time when I was really pondering over the wisdom of the added burden of the studio, this came like a nice testament of what I was trying to do. I was energised and felt good again about my decisions.

Sometimes, it is nice to have a vote of confidence from people who's opinion counts. I have a lot of well wishers, those who regularly give me a few shots of confidence, who I call when I am down in the dumps, need to bitch with or just plain whine about my life. This was different.

When you spend so  many years together, there are almost no secrets. You are stripped naked, inside and out. One can second guess every move, every intent, call a bluff from 500 miles and press where it hurts the most. Most of the times, we use these secrets because there is nothing else to use. This day was different. I was grateful not just for the encouragement and praise, but for the fact that time had not dulled his perspective. He was still honest with me, only thing being I liked what spewed out of this honesty.

Long Walks

Since the start of this month, K has joined Sage and me on our morning walks. We wake up, dress for a little warmth as it still is a little cold in Hyderabad in the mornings, and trot off. The thing about K coming along is that he has changed the rules. With sage and me, we walked for 30 to 45 mins each day, in a colony near by and spent a lot of time playing with stray dogs, he would run about, I would sit with a couple of them in my lap and we would have a nice time.

K has come now and changed the rules. For one, we walk longer, in terms of time and distance. So now we walk just over an hour, and about 3.5 kms.

Ofcourse we stop at the end of the walk for some overly sweet chai and onion samosas brought in fresh by a man on a moped!

This we repeat after dinner, but cut the distance by at least a kilometre due to the heavy traffic even in colony lanes at night time. 

We talk on our walks. About life, work, us, sage, the houses and trees and balcony gardens. We talk about other things that we don't usually talk about. Like thinking of a holiday home. Or how we would spend our older days. What dreams we have been dreaming lately. What makes us sad, annoyed and even afraid. We hold hands, because the walk is a leisurely one and not about getting somewhere. And we are exploring lanes and bylanes in the 5 kilometre radius of our house that we never knew existed. 

It is tough to see the myriad houses packed closely together in semi slum-ish areas when you drive past in a car. The ones that have seen a sudden spurt of growth, come up and are now housing dozens of single men and women working in the city. The ones that proclaim who lives in the rooms by the clothes that hang out to dry. It is amazing how for over 9 years that I have lived here, I have not once noticed just how many hostels there are around where I live! 

The many little lanes, some come up with surprising little gems. Like a street I was barely cognizant of, turned out to be well laid, canopied with eucalyptus and other trees and was so quiet you could hear the birds chirp. 

or the impossibly beautiful and seasonal flowers on really dusty trees

Or the gate that you never noticed, housing about 300 construction workers in makeshift tin shed tenements. The hustle and bustle at 6 AM as they get ready for the day. The women, with bright red vermilion drawn broadly between the parting of their hair, which is oiled and tied firmly back. I was pleasantly surprised to see many of the women dressed to the nines at 6.30 AM, including bright lipstick. No fear of "am i looking good in this?" I wish I had some of their confidence.

or bottles lined up on a wall of a booze shop that has not yet opened from the day, so small and cute that I picked them up to make vases out of them

The many many many dogs on the street. One can make out a family of dogs from their features. Some of them with long tall perky ears and blackened snouts. Some with a stubby nose but so handsome I want to take all of them home. Some with fluffy thick fur that I am itching to bathe and brush. Many of them use only three of their four legs because they are recovering from a fracture. The perils of living on the street and being hit by a vehicle or a ruthless human and a stone. Some of them recover well enough to walk on four, but run only on three. Some of them have permanently damaged the limb and make do with three. Feisty and spirited tho, also curious about the overindulged fat little golden retriever who is not intimidated by their barks. They come a few feet closer, and wag their tails suspiciously when a hand is put out to stroke them. They are unsure because most of them do not know human touch.

The days we miss our walks (both K and I have had a bout of the seasonal flu) all three of us seem listless and crave that alone time with each other.

I think this is the beginning of a very good thing. I love what it will do to us healthwise physically, mentally and spiritually. 

What is true love?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Sometimes because of the people in my life, sometimes because I am seeing marriages crumble, sometimes because I question my own. I am talking about relationships in general and I mean a relationship / marriage between two people. Not friendships, not platonic love, but love between two people in a romantic sense, that goes beyond dating. Love or a relationship that is a serious, adult, mature one.

What makes it tick? For the longest time, I had this idealistic, romantic, fuelled by Hollywood romances as the notion of love. I believed I would be with that one man who would understand my silences, complete my sentences and be my knight in shining armour.

Over the years and it definitely has to do with my age and maturity, I found myself letting go of that notion of love. Of finding that perfect human being with perfect understanding and perfect love. Of a time when there will be no arguments, disagreements or disappointments. I know now that it is an unbelievably unrealistic expectation and a burden too heavy to carry. It also left me devoid of the energy to focus on what was happening in the moment and so concerned about what was not happening which needed to be righted. As a result, it looked like I was constantly nit picking.

For most of my adult life, I felt true love or that perfect soulmate would come and make my troubles disappear, that he would be the answer to all my questions, solve every problem (real and imagined) and make my life happy and beautiful. I would be the confident person who had no problem and was able to sail through life very successfully in whatever I chose to do.

For the longest time, this also made me a very unhappy person. Because these were expectations no one could meet. It was a recipe for disaster, for dissatisfaction and a web of disappointment.

Don't get me wrong. I love K, to bits, I cannot imagine my life without him. I could not have chosen a better man or a more worthy partner to marry. I believe also, due to my past, that I was very lucky to have made the choice. He was right there. My friend, the one I turned to when the going got tough, the man who seemingly had all the answers, and who loved me desperately. My love for K was gradual, it sprouted from extreme respect. I discovered I loved the way he made me feel, the stories he told, the belief he held true to his heart. I realised he was someone I most definitely could live with, grow old with and have a life with. I realised that more than anything else in the world, here was a man I wanted to experience life with.

We love each other to the point of exclusion of everything else. We have amazing conversations, he makes me laugh, we have built a whole lifetime of amazing experiences that only we could have shared. I turn to him when I need support, when I cannot make sense of things, when I am afraid. I turn to him when I have something to celebrate, to rejoice, to feel happy about. I believe firmly, we have a destiny together and a chemistry we could not have had with anyone else.

But more than anything, I appreciate him fully because I no longer expect him to be my Mr.Fixit. I don't expect him to spring miracles and make my problems go away. I know that he cannot find my meaning in life. I know that I want him to be the one to walk with me as I navigate life and find the answers to my questions, to be my companion on this journey which is sometimes tough.

This freedom to not want him to solve my problems, has made me love him even more. Because it gives me the space in my head and heart to truly appreciate him for who he is and not what he does to me. This makes me love him for love's sake. This makes me see him for what he is and believes in and wants to achieve.

Only I can fulfil my desires, exorcize my ghosts and achieve my goals. I cannot expect any other person, even the one I love, to do this for me. I needed to have that sense of self, of knowing who I am and what I want. Previously, I wanted my partner to fill me with the meaning and purpose of life, to make me feel accomplished and to make me realise my potential.

I found myself and I made friends with myself. That is the day I freed myself to love with a full heart, with a heart that wanted only the love and companionship and passion of a partner but not a problem solver.

The celluloid dream of passion and romance is created and scripted, it is unreal and doesn't last forever. It is made for movie credits. Real love and romance and passion needs to be nurtured with trust and care. Real love is annoying and burdensome at times because of the fragility of the humans who are involved. Real love is a daily choice and it goes beyond the celluloid make believe.

Real love is on days when I feel like screaming in my head, but all I want is a comforting hug and an unruffled voice which tells me everything will be ok. Real love is when I tell K I need some alone time and lock myself in the loo with the ipad. Real love is when I tell him I had a shitty day and I don't want to talk. Real love is when I tell him I am afraid of what the next day holds.

When I look around, and I see relationships crumbling, I thank my stars for making me see through the make believe I clung to when I was younger. I am grateful that I have a man who would rather tell me the truth even though a lie would be easier to deal with. I am thankful that I do not want to be a damsel in distress. I am thankful that I want to walk in my own path, albeit holding his hand as he walks down his.

While this may not sound very romantic to you who are reading it. I think this has freed me to experience real love... and it has been the truest revelation of my life.

The year in retrospect (super duper long post)

There are times when one feels one has figured out something ~ a series of events, a person, a moment in time. One rests finally, with a sense of having fully understood the matter. Then suddenly a realisation happens which makes your understanding have a 180 degree turn. Suddenly everything that made sense does not. Or what you thought you had figured out, has suddenly turned on its head. 

The last few months I have steadfastly held on and said at every opportunity that I couldn't wait for this year to be over. At every turn, this year has thrown me a new challenge. I have written about it, I have pondered about it, shed many tears and spent many sleepless nights and restless days. 

The year began on a good note. There was the promise of something big happening. Every ounce of our collective energy as a couple was spent on nurturing the new venture. January did start on a very promising note. 

The euphoria and the excitement continued through February. We had a full house with a little Dachshund joining us for a week as I pet sat him while his family holidayed. We had parties and more parties, some planned, some impromptu. A breathless excited pace that made me smile each time I tried to catch my breath. I was becoming fitter with my workouts at the gym and came to a point where the highlight of my day was the time spent in the gym. I began to enjoy the excruciatingly tough all day travels to Guntur and back. leaving home before sunrise and getting back bone tired just a few minutes before midnight. The pit stops, the conversation, the food at small towns on the way and the skyline would become my friends. Some days, I would wait to actually get away from the mundaneness of home. 

March was again a round of frenzied activity. Several trips to Guntur for work included one overnight one where I had to stay at the house of my business partners' in-laws. Working on a small budget, that night while trying desperately to sleep for a couple of hours beside a child who kept kicking me, on a mattress which still had its protective plastic sheet cover and against a wall so dirty I thought I was on a horror movie set, I realised all that I took for granted. It was a situation I promised myself I would never allow myself to be in again. I was in a mad house, where out of politeness and spread over 400 sft, I had to join in a religious celebration that had an elaborate pooja every 4 hours. It was more than I could take. In a strange town, I just walked out of the house, for almost a mile, hailed and auto and went to a crowded marketplace for some solace. The train journey back home was something that I enjoyed more than I expected. Or maybe it was the happiness of just being on my own finally. 

The end of March and beginning of April, we spent in Goa. With two other couples. This was one of the most beautiful vacations K and I have had. Sage went crazy on the beach. He and I took long walks at sunrise, sometimes in the dark much before everyone had woken & played with street dogs that got friendly and stayed outside our cottage till we left. We ate in restaurants that didn't even ask for him to be leashed. I came back refreshed, but things were not to be the same again. Everything slowly began to get edgy and K spent unending hours at work. I would barely see him for 30 minutes after he woke up and before he left for office. I missed him terribly, so did Sage who began to get very clingy. Work for me continued with more trips to guntur. I was working with a bunch of extremely unprofessional and selfish people. One threw a tantrum in the middle of a contracted job and tried to take us for a ride. Another was just so whiny that it was easier for me to roll up my sleeves and get the work done myself. It happened more than a couple of times, when I got work done this way. I had to dig deep into my being, to handle these childish people, to take the high road, to be patient when they were being ungrateful, to solve their domestic problems so that they could come and do their work. There were days when I just wanted to pull my hair out, some days I wanted to slap multiple faces multiple times. I practiced zen. I spoke softly although in my head I wanted to scream. I offered solutions. I ran a ferry service. I felt like I had reached a personal milestone. 

This was a significant realisation for me. All the while, I believed I was an unlikely candidate for corporate success because I lacked patience, I lacked focus and I lacked the larger vision to only keep looking at the result I wanted and not the means by which I would achieve it. I was always given to understand by my bosses and sometimes peers that 'my fly off the handle and confrontational nature' was the chief reason I couldn't carve out a larger niche of success when I was gainfully employed. I put myself in situations where I had to face the heat and came out of them successfully, by myself. I felt very accomplished individually. This was a huge milestone for me. 

May was when the mayhem truly unfolded. We had a 'situation'. K spent about 18 hours being disconnected with the home. He had too much on his mind and his body was being pulled in every direction possible. It took every ounce of his strength both mental and emotional to get through each day. I saw him tired and weary and so cranky that conversations were to the bare minimum, lest I step on a raw nerve. My cook left because her husband was ill. I was in-charge ~ of the kitchen, of the house, of the family (amma was here with me), of K, of Sage and yes, of myself. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. When the rawness has healed, someday in the future hopefully I will be able to talk about it.

I have issues with boundaries. I need them, I am territorial and even something as small as leaving a bag where it does not belong, or cluttering a table gets me mad. I am territorial and I need my space to reflect that. So when encroachments happen, on my time, my space, my emotions and even my energies, I crack. The only thing that kept my sanity during this time, was my gym routine. Doing push ups and sit ups and weights and holding the plank position was where I was channelling all my energies. I would go to the gym and pound the weights! and feel good about myself for the rest of the hour, till something else erupted. And erupt it did. On a daily basis, there would be something that ticked me off. All my energy was being spent pleasing someone else, or accepting things I didn't like to keep the peace of the house. Everyone had to make adjustments. I had to too and at times I felt taken for granted by the situation. This continued into June. Those weeks and months are a blur. I cannot even believe I allowed a few things to happen. the lines between work people and friends had always been blurry for K and this time too, a lot of the shit that was happening because of ill defined boundaries.

Prisoner of my own mind, I found myself accepting behaviour I would not have accepted normally. A complete invasion of my private space, a violation of privacy and sometimes smart alec answers which would have normally been met with a stare. Too much access to personal information, too much exposure to private matters and too many discussions over a life we have protected rabidly. Finally one day, when both of us had had enough, we spoke about it and amended the situation and restored some sanity and peace back to the house.

I turned a year older in July. It was a circus at best. My best friend wanted to throw me a surprise party at 12 to ring in my new year. Poor girl had no idea of what was happening and it took K's intervention to douse some of the 'would have been' blaze because there were new equations between the people in our life that were on the guest list. I made a new friend this year, a bright, confident 22 year old woman, who I connected with. It was easy to forget she was so young. I was rudely reminded of the age gap on my birthday. Amidst a lovely time with friends whoa re family, Amma and others, I was reminded of how much I meant to this girl. So important was I that she was pretty vocal about her happiness as well as her annoyance both in the same breath. Since I was in a fragile condition already, I burst a blood vessel and a deluge of tears followed what was supposed to be my best birthday ever, turned quickly into a nightmare. I spoke about this to N my other bestie and she explained a few things to me, about myself, my friends and my friendships. The next day, I called said friend, lets call her M and told her how I felt, we talked, laughed, cried, hugged and returned to our respective lives with a better understanding of our friendship. M has played such an important role in my life this year. She has been a pillar of support and a girl who goes out of her way to help, and will brush it off as nothing. She's called me names that include 'retard' and I still call her my friend!

August is a month I cannot remember much of. I spent the time mostly mending other's fences. mending family relations and assuring them that everything will be ok when you are not feeling quite so positive yourself is possibly the most important thing I did this month. I finally confronted my business partner and got paid my share of the dues. Concluding that it was possibly the most hard earned money I had ever made, and so not worth the effort! I also took a leap of faith and injected new energy into my languishing Classes. My Culinary Escapades classes have been something I have always had on the back burner. I started them almost 7 years ago and on and off while I have taken breaks, I have never really put all my energies into them. They have always been like a faithful friend, sometimes happy to be in the limelight and not complaining when ignored. I wanted to change that up and August was the month that saw me infuse energy into them. And they blossomed under all the attention. August was a month I began rebuilding my faith in myself as an individual. August was also the month when we found out without a doubt that our beloved Sage was epileptic.

A few lessons I taught myself, that no matter how tough the going is, look inwards for strength and you will find it. This year in essence was all about knowing myself better. the strength, the courage and hard work. I realised I just underestimated myself over and over again, and yes, the year was not a good one, but I did good at the risk of sounding pompous. I think I was the best version of myself.

September was when Amma turned a year older. A beautiful if sometimes painful 75 years on this earth. She has been an exemplary role model of courage and persistence. I would have liked to add smartness, but that she is not, retaining her innocence and gullibility even now. Because of Sage's condition, we couldn't make the trip to Singapore like I had promised her. this is the third time we have abandoned those plans for various reasons. She being the sport was perfectly fine with it. I needed to do something more for her, something special to mark her life and in less than 24 hours, I had a party hall booked to celebrate her birthday with her closest family and friends. I called my brother and asked him to bring the kids and come down. That was to be the biggest surprise for Amma. She couldn't believe her eyes when they stood at the door! Through all the secret planning, fixing the menu, buying her a new saree and getting her blouse stitched, deciding on the return gifts et al, my MIL and FIL were my pillars of strength and my co conspirators. The birthday girl had no idea what was happening and cooperated beautifully to being surprised. It was a beautiful moment, she was overwhelmed and gracious and I was happy to have been able to do this for her. I think as a daughter, life came a full circle for me that day.

October was a month that I cannot remember much of. Except the weariness of the year just dragged through. I found new and hilariously like minded people online and as is my practice, I overdosed on them. the addiction to whatsapp was complete, sometimes at the cost of the people around me. Much to their annoyance, it continued. I launched a couple of more classes and saw the Facebook page spiral out of control. It was a personally thrilling time. There were times when I wanted to go back into my shell, but like M said, I was too much in my comfort zone and needed to stick my neck out. I wrote for a few local magazines, reviewed restaurants, conducted classes, dealt with all sorts of irrational people wanting to enquire about my classes, managed to come to terms with Sage's illness and find the strength through all the tears. Amma bid us adieu as she went back to Chennai for a few months.

November is the month K and I completed a decade of marriage. 10 years is a long time to be with someone. it is a huge milestone. for us it feels like a few years ago. We have seen better times than this year. And while we talked about all that happened this entire year, we both felt it has been the most testing and challenging for us. We've always been a team, that is our strength and also our pride. Realising that nothing has changed is a great reminder of why we are together. I remember not being too sure of what I was doing even as I dressed for my wedding. The uncertainty, the cloud of doubt in my head and the rest of the family was weighing my shoulders down, I was tired of trying to convince everyone. Till I said to myself, I will take it as it comes. I cannot imagine being who I am with anyone else. He is the Yin to my Yang. The voice of calm logic and reason when I want to shout, scream and throw a tantrum ( and I do throw some awesome ones).  He is the man who tells me to try the most impossible things and will fret if I need to cross a busy street on my own. He is the man who will make fun of me all the time. The man who has no cares for the future and believes in the here and now, to my complete despair when I realise how much savings other people have! The man who has quietly been the wind under my wings, when I make a big show of even making a second cup of coffee for him.

We tell each other that between the two of us, I have the better Social Interface and automatically people think he got more than what he deserved and I got less. But the truth cannot be farther than that. K has taught me to tell the world to take a flying fuck as long as I believe in what I am doing. He will question your convictions not to challenge you, but to test how much you actually believe in them. So ten years on, with none of the trappings of 'family life' and with people asking us constantly when we will 'settle down' (I'm assuming that's the way to ask if we will ever extend the family), I realise the reason we are together is simply because we want to be together and not for any other reason. The fact that we have nothing that binds or ties us together in the form of children or any other familial obligations we may have to execute together and yet, if I were to choose all over again I would choose K. That is a staggering realisation.

Through this year, I fell in love with him more than I had ever. We had the most tempestuous year ever. This year has tested us individually, as a couple and as a family. And I am very proud of how we weathered every storm. When you are young and dreamy, you wish to be with a partner who can take the tough and narrow path, you want a partner who will stand up for his principles with not a care in the world for the losses that may incur, you want a partner who is idealistic and thinks without a care. Ten years teaches you that everyday living with a partner like that is not for the faint hearted. That there will be days and weeks when the uncertainty of decisions or the future will eat at your insides. That you will have more things to worry about than have a smirk for. That living with a partner of unbending morals means a tough life. And the realisation that you could not have chosen better. That you would rather rake yourself over hot coals than choose any less a man. It has been a tough year for us, and what held us together is what brought us together. You know now more than ever, that this is a good thing.

As December rolled in, I began reflecting on the year that passed. It went quickly in the good times (yes there were a few of those) and dragged on endlessly in the bad patches. I reflected on my inner strength and ability to face circumstances that were not to my liking. I realised that while I cannot wait to see this year end, it has taught me how deep my courage is and how strong my faith. That despite being flaky, I can take care of myself and my flock.

This is the only thing that I am grateful for this year. It pained me to see K's pain and despair. Yet not one day did I see the fire ebb in him. I was so proud to be his partner, even on the days when I didn't feel particularly generous of my time or my energy.

2013 has made me draw from an inward strength I didn't believe I possessed. Like a tigress, I gathered my cubs and protected them. Sometimes those cubs were my mother, K and Sage. I drew so much courage from the quiet confidence of my MIL. She has been the biggest influence over me this year. I learnt so much from her quiet resilience. I drew strength from her as I recharged. I know I can face any adversity on my own. I know that I can take over the reins and be responsible for the mental, financial and emotional well being of this family. With Sage, I realised that there is a life to be led once the tears have dried and the fears have been overcome. I am very grateful to be able to choose to work from home while I care for him. I am grateful for being able to enjoy so many days playing with him, scolding him and whacking him sometimes when he misbehaves. I cherish every moment of our time together. grateful for the undying love and unwavering faith he has in me, even when inside I am battling self doubt.

If I had a choice, I would not want a repeat of this year ever, but I am grateful for the experience because of how we have lived it.

There have been days when it took every ounce of my grace and dignity to get over a single hour. I looked inwards and was able to be strong, for myself, for K, for Sage, for the family and for all those I call my own.

This is a year I will not forget. This is a year I have learnt to forgive. This is a year I was able to cut through the clutter and focus on the people, the relationships and the work that really really matters to me. This is the year I have believed in everything everyone told me, and nothing anyone said. This is a year I have felt alone in a crowd and strong enough to be silent. This is a year I have lived each day like no other. This is a year I was battered, broken and healed.

As I wait for this year to close, I do not want to forget these lessons.

To my readers, I wish you a very beautiful New Year ahead. May 2014 be all that you want it to be, may your heart and homes and lives be warm and filled with the love and grace of those who matter the most.

break point

As I write this, I am in a way shattered by a few things that have happened (or come to light) in the past few weeks. when I wrote about crumbling marriages, I didn't for the life of me expect to hear of one so close to me disintegrate... it has left me quite devastated. I am trying to be objective and supportive. I believe no one should stay in a relationship when they don't want to, especially when there is no love. Having said that, it’s a different thing when it happens to someone who you know distantly. It’s devastatingly close in this case.... I had a meltdown the other day. Pulled up my car to the side of the road and had a good sob.... it was embarrassing because I was caught in the act... at first I didn’t know why I was feeling so overwhelmed....then I realised... everything I hold dear to me, everything sacred, everything precious... was disintegrating.... yes it was in someone else's life... but it still was terrible.

I pause a moment to think of the people who are actually involved in this... two people who have spent a decade together... two people who shared a lifetime... now are choosing to go separate ways. How terrifying it must be for them, how utterly defeating, how sad. And yet, hopefully, like a phoenix, they will rise from these ashes....they will find themselves, and find love and balance.

I have been thinking over the last few days.... what makes a marriage work? Is it love? It usually takes a back seat after a few years... and besides, love gets tangled with children and chores and home loans... is it children then? And is it safer to have them? So you have something to do? Something to talk about? What about those who don't have kids? By destiny or design? Are they more vulnerable? What then happens when you are just stuck in a rut? In a boring mundane arrangement that drags on for the sake of everything and everyone else. What is a successful marriage then? a couple who have not had significant disagreements, been able to smooth sail through life's arduous journey or a couple who have had difficulties, overcome them and moved on?

I spoke to a friend recently who flip flops. She has bouts of 'I don’t want to be with this man' and calls me when she does. When I asked her how things were after a recent showdown with her significant other, she said 'everything's fine. I am not about to leave him. I said this to him too... that if there is a problem, it has to be fixed. We have invested too much into this to let it go' both seem to be happy about it and I can’t be more glad.

I wish that everyone finds their peace.... but that is like a beauty pageant contestant's wish. I know it doesn't come easy. I still wish upon it for everyone. It’s heartbreaking when something like this happens. No one does it on purpose. But when a situation reaches a point of no return, cutting losses and starting afresh seems to be the only way to go.

I couldn't get over this for days. It has taken me a week to write this.... I don’t know what to think anymore... I just wish we all find our place and peace...

all about tears

roller coaster feelings are nothing new to me.... i don't know if i have said this earlier, but despite what it may look like, i cry quite easily. often for no reason, sometimes for nothing. i dont know what it is about tears that well up in my eyes, it looks like they are omnipresent. anything can turn me teary...

like seeing this baby in this makeshift cradle on a construction site. for days after i saw this, i couldn't focus on anything except how sweetly he smiled at me all the while i stood there, stunned. for many days i couldnt get that image out of my mind, i  went to bed teary but thankful for all the blessings I've had.

there are those moments, when everything just stands still and i am in tears....i cant say why or how...like this weekend which after a long time, was a quiet weekend for us. We were by ourselves and watched movies from the afternoon till into the early morning. just sitting there with K, running my hand through his hair and him turning around to look at me reduced me to tears. i was spaced out and in a rotten mood just a few hours ago. blame it on  the lack of sleep induced crankiness. he gives me the benefit of doubt i am at times unwilling to give him. i really lucked out with this man, i swear! one moment, we were dipping biscuits into chai and talking...the other moment a bewildered man looked at his wife who was sobbing! All because i was thankful to be with him.

earlier i wouldn't accept that i cried so much. something i naively thought would help preserve my tough girl image. i only cry in private, behind a closed door, preferably the bathroom. if i feel teary i rush to the nearest washroom! but now i have no qualms in accepting that i cry. my eyes and nose resembles rudolph the red nosed reindeer. and i look worse than i usually do... but in my heart and soul i feel like a weight of a few tonnes has lifted and i feel so relieved.

have you felt like that? so tensed about a situation at work or home that you feel you will burst into a million pieces? i remember a few weeks before our wedding, the wedding cards didnt come out right. i bawled and bawled.... in the washroom of the office. my friend thought the wedding was called off! and when i said it was the cards, she was so relieved. she says she wanted to hit me cause i made it look so terrible, when all i was crying over were some badly printed cards! after i was spent, i got up, went back to the printers and made myself one of the most elegant wedding cards you'll ever see. but for that to happen, the dam had to burst.

i like to cook when i am upset or pissed off. it takes my mind off everything else that is driving me nuts. there is something about chopping, stirring and creating a dish that tastes damn good that is like therapy for me. i sometimes feel like my mind can't shut off. like i am standing at times square, drunk, doped and all i can see is psychedelic lights whizzing past. cooking to the rescue even here! a few hours later, i can take on the world! it feels like i am recharged!  is this weird? anyone else react like this?

fitness update

a few posts ago, i wrote about K and me taking the fitness plunge....lets just say that i have played truant for more than a month...managing just a few days of free hand exercises and some yoga... but overall have lost about 4kgs and put back 1 on cos of all the feasting (with guests at home its tough to convince them why the host is going to eat salad!). so instead of whipping myself about slacking off, i am reaffirming, rescheduling my goals and moving on ahead....

but i came here to document K's awesome determination, hardwork and results.... he did the math...and he has the determination of a nazi.... gym may not have been such  a regular feature this past month, but badminton is...and he is playing 5 times a week.... he's lost what i can say are results only slimming centres can give you! and i am amazed! in awe and with respect for anyone who can stay that focussed.... yes ...even my husband...cos we always look at the flaws...he stumped me! yet again. I've known him half of my life, and i am still shocked....i never thought he'd get this far! he's inspired me totally now! and i think it just reinforced what i wrote in the last post about me not getting thru many points in life if he wasnt by my side!

ok...this was supposed to not be mushy! so i shall stop...cant wait to head over to the balcony where my now much lighter husband awaits me groggy eyed! have a lovely day you all.

nearly there.... but not yet

its almost the ending of the year... this year has gone by so quickly that i cant even recollect most of it.. also shows that its been a rather unspectacular year... if there was a word like that....lets just suffice to say that a lot of expectations i had from the work i was meant to do weren't fulfilled, that left me rather disappointed.....

this year actually just ambled along... of course the most wonderful memories have been the personal journeys.... but more on that later....

As i sit at the table this morning.... having my second cup of coffee and writing this, i think the single most significant change this year for me has been the addition of a cook to my household. I now cant imagine life without her!! she's got the temperament that would've made her a top HR leader in any company, no request too much for her, and even when she wants to refuse, she does it with such finesse that i am left gaping!! cooking has become a pleasure once more and no longer a chore for me.... and i love it that my nails and fingers no longer smell of onions!! she's truly had a huge hand in liberating my mind... i would some days wake up with panic that i needed to cook!! its helped me organise myself much better.... i now have a set routine for buying of produce, groceries, kitchen maintenance... and i love that i can choose to get involved or simply delegate and supervise.....

K and I have been on the cusp of a lot of things... he's moved into consulting after much thought and heartache....and those were some anxious moments we had.... as a couple, and as professionals. the company he has started has seen a fair amount of progress and i cant even begin to express how proud i am of him, and the sheer joy that i just lucked out in finding him!!

ok... i took a trip i wasn;t planning to...... am going to reserve all of that for a propah year ending post.... till then lovelies.... tally ho!!

on the side, i am reading anita jain's marrying anita... so far, i am loving it....

that time of the year again...........

So, I've done the senti post.... I've also done the total recall post....all i can say now is... Damn!! where did one more year fly by? Were we flying at each other's throats, or having so much fun that we didn't notice?? Whatever it was.... it was damn good!! So my darling K (I will spare you the indignity of squirming from all the mush), whatever hit me on my head that i realized, in that one moment, of having known you all those years, that i wanted to spend my life with you, i just wish it had hit me earlier! Love you Sweetheart... Happy Anniversary!

of marriage and marriageability

what makes people put up with crap? i am enraged as i write this. i have been witness to an ongoing tamasha of the marriage market for a 33 yrs old woman in india since the last few years. a dear friend of mine, who hasnt had the good fortune to have a relationship work, who didnt find a companion from the online marriage market, a lovely, beautiful, hardworking, successful girl who has a never say die attitude. she'll make a great girlfriend and a wife. she is a fabulous friend. always there when you want to rant, talks rationally even when emotions are running high. she hasnt found anyone she'd rather spend her life with. so what? its sad, that her father is driving her crazy. what started as nagging has engulfed her whole life and she is tired of being jugdged only on the basis of not being married. things came to a head yesterday when she packed her things, unable to take the constant harrassment and walked out of her parents home.

to judge your own child because she hasnt "settled down". to tell her, she needs to be married to live in this society. that even if the guy is nothing like she wants in a partner, she should "compromise" cos she is thirty plus? and to wash away all that she is, as a person, as a woman and as a successful manager just because she hasnt yet said "i do"? what kind of person will do all of this?

and what is it with us? that we cant leave someone alone to decide their own course in life? that we always think we have the solution or the wisdom to help them make a "better choice". that everyone around us is not intelligent enough to choose for themselves? like so, what are you going to do after your studies? when are you getting married? when are you having kids? when are you settling down? that the next milestone will bring them nirvana? why cant we mind our own damn business? and who says marriage is the best thing in the world? that you are incomplete without it? i know of atleast 10 friends and acquaintances with relationships in shambles. so who the hell are we to judge?

i feel for this friend of mine. that she politely has to get out of conversations which finally come to "so...when are you giving us good news" when she wants to tell them to F off.... i really wish everyone, her father included will just stop breathing down her back.... you dont realise how much strenght it takes to take all this crap and still keep smiling.

Wedding pictures do’s and definitely don’ts

I am a photo freak.... (Would have sounded better both spelt with f no??) I can stay online for days going through albums of random people.....I once bookmarked this photo journal of a couple who just had a baby and journaled her growth........I'd go there believing she was growing up in front of my eyes........ She did..... I am fascinated by other people's lives....I get their contact details and send them emails......that they seldom reply is another thing all together..........a bit of a stalker and voyeur rolled into one....but aren't we all voyeurs?? If not how can you explain the success of "bigg boss"

anyways....while indulging in one of my fave pastimes, I came across a lot of wedding pictures of random people...some known....mostly unknown....and while I have a lot to say about the run up to the wedding and the aftermath...for the purpose of sanity, I will limit myself to what I began to say..... Wedding pictures.....I see some that make people look more hideous than they can imagine….most brides I know wanted to get married again and just pose for another set of pics because they thought they looked awful…..the others just cried buckets!!

Why is it that we freeze with a face that looks half way between hell and the electric chair when we are being photographed?? Relax…smile….it shows…. Why do we look like we'd rather have a brown paper bag on our heads when we just spent a good three hours "dressing up" not to mention a whole lifetime planning this damn thing??

Disclaimer: the following is applicable only to compulsively obsessive women / brides to be….men I don't believe you are reading this!! And you will anyways be ignored!! Please take all of this in the right spirit….

firstly....remember...and repeat, many times during the week before the wedding and especially when you actually are posing for the pictures....that you are going to be looking at them for the rest of your life, your kids (if any) will do so too....so any tiredness, disgust, anger, pain (honey that heavy sari / lehenga and those killer heels weren't made for comfort) you feel, must be camouflaged and fake "jubilant / happy" smiles must be upon our mugs…..practice does help….there are some pics I have of my wedding, where I was actually bending k's little finger the other way to get him to smile while I am gritting my teeth….it looks wonderfully natural….we look totally in love unlike the way we were feeling at the time it was clicked…and I have it framed and sitting in my drawing room….so yes….wasn't I saying practice helps

secondly, don't rely on the parlour lady to get you looking like a million bucks……starve at least a month ahead if you really want to lose even a couple of kilos. Nothing else will work. Cut carbs and have milk / buttermilk without sugar instead of dinner…and yes honey order a truck load of orange juice for the rest of the day.

Make sure you choose the right foundation so that you can cover up dark circles and blotchy skin you are sure to get with the stress of getting married…..again, planning ahead is a must….you might have to spend days and fight off persistently pesky cosmetics sales girls who insist what they just showed you is your right colour and tone match….do not believe them….take your own mirror, apply to the base of your jaw, blend, walk outside the shop, put the mirror up to your face (come on now….this isn't time to be shy) check and then buy…do not reply on the foundation that the beautician brings along…she may be planning to use it on the next fifty brides regardless of their colouring…..

Try out the hairstyle and the saree at least a week ahead of d day…..you won't have the nerves to improvise when you have 25 relatives banging on the door to use the mirror when you are getting ready. Get the clothes ironed and put on hangers a day before the wedding. Do not think you can get a perfect drape by taking the garments out of their boxes when you are ready to don them. This includes underskirts and blouses and whatever else you are wearing (barring the underwear of course)

Wear your heels before wearing the saree or the lehenga…..don't want it to look like an afterthought

Pack all the stuff you will need to take to the venue yourself or if you are getting dressed at the parlour…. No one else will know at the last minute if there are safety pins in the bag…..again planning ahead helps….and make a list

Brave the lights baby…they will be hot, and you might feel faint from the fatigue…but bright, blinding lights are what will make you look radiant when the pictures are developed

Even if you hate the persons standing with you for the "group photo" and they didn't bring you a gift, please smile….it will show in the pictures

Fight that nervousness….and no one thinks you are fat…..if you are worried or stressed it is going to show on the pictures

Get a trusted cousin / girlfriend to be by your side (but not in every frame) at all times…she will also help touch up your lipstick, tuck in your hair and dust of saffron rice, petals of flowers and other debris that may have collected on your hair or other body parts

While this reads like a manual from a wedding site, please remember all this is true…..whatever your state of mind when the flash went off will be exactly how you look when the pictures come back in the album……no miracle can take place if you were swearing and spewing venom all the while at the photographer…….

Lastly………relax……smile…and believe you are beautiful…..worked for most of us!! And hey…after people have stuffed their faces with the wedding spread….no one will fret over the trivialities only you noticed!! So don't screw up your big day / night by fretting about all of this!!

Reminiscing

its the day after our wedding anniversary...we were four yesterday....today's the day of our reception...the one that many friends contributed to because we weren't able to access the money that was supposed to pay for the reception...so the day we married in court, we drove from friend to friend, collecting as much as they could spare...i remember thinking why in blooming heaven's name I'd insisted on the reception.....today's the day K and i spent at the wedding hall overseeing every arrangement till 5 pm before we rushed off to our respective homes to get dressed....around this time, we were tiredly posing for the photographer with fake smiles and K spewing expletives and me thinking "oh god he's ruining my wedding photos".... we got to take off my heels and his suit jacket only another hour later.... we began eating without the customary feeding each other, because K was too hungry and hated the smell of henna on my hands....

K's been so busy with a project that i am just thankful he comes home at all....even if it is at 3 a.m, so it would have been the worst thing i could have done to nag him and make him pick out a celebration....yesterday was D day for his project....he was thankful that i didn't pout and simper ...i was just grateful that he didn't forget and go out of town like the year before....he came home quite early and spent till the early morning on the phone and on the computer....

for all those who asked me what the celebrations were, i said "we had a quiet time together" ...which we did....chatted for a while before i went to bed, leaving him with his work....

celebrations can wait for every day of our life that we spend together.... i am just grateful for finding him....... for it was so easy not to see him beneath the friend I'd known for so long.....i am just grateful for the love that we share.... for the time we spend together... and apart.....i am thankful that he never wants to see another place in this world without me by his side.... i am thankful that his love encompasses me at all times..... i am thankful that we let each other be the person that we are and haven't suffocated each other..... i am grateful that we are able to really talk to each other....i am thankful that he is my best friend..... i am thankful that we don't always agree...but agree to disagree.....when all else around me is crazy and doesn't make sense...when i am tired and scared, frustrated, angry or sad...i am happy, delirious and totally mad....K is by my side....everything looks less daunting when he is around...and he says that of me too......i know when he says that he cant do without me, he means it.....i am just thankful that we found each other..... in this day and age, when somethings don't make sense...when tempers fly and everything including relationships and marriage are fleeting, when a reducing threshold of tolerance is making everything disposable.....i look forward to growing old with K by my side...and i celebrate everyday i have with him, because i know it is something so precious...and that i have been blessed, because not everyone can celebrate the way i do......Amen!!

Second Honeymoon Anyone....?

the state of mind usually reflects in what and how you do things....I’m no different here.....the past few months have definitely been a roller coaster and I have gone on and on about it in my last post.....but no it didn’t end there...in fact there was more.....I have decided against two things most immediately....I am not going to have a pet anytime soon if the travel continues...and I have to grow more water resistant plants if at all any.......

this time k and I took a trip which was to be our second honeymoon....it was a trip for ourselves and not to meet familial obligations....it was also a trip to explore a few possibilities that had lined themselves up and ponder on a few thoughts......so we trekked out...excited that we'd be on our own for the first time in 3 yrs....we'd made promises that we would do this every few months when we had just taken our I do and don’t vows, but like many other things....we 'prioritised' this too....no regrets...I have always believed in that...so off we went....flew down to coimbatore....took a cab to yercaud...our destination in the hills....to escape from the heat that was now Hyderabad into the unbelievably lush green and cooler Salem was a relief......we climbed the small mountain about 1500 meters above sea and sank into the cooler climes.....en route we saw the perpetual primates...to which k commented "its shocking how much like us they are!!"

the hills were laced with the remnants of what we call spring in our tropics....its amazing to watch the palette of nature....huge trees, bushes and shrubs alike sported only two main colours...lavender that was breathtaking and sunshine yellow that was so uplifting.....I’m not particularly fond of these two colours say in a wardrobe....but out there it was simply breathtaking....


City slickers really are shortchanged for the concrete structures that we marvel at.....mother earth makes you feel completely inadequate......we spent 3 idyllic days at yercaud....we realised despite what one particularly cute dog says, there are still places in this country that thankfully doesn’t have network coverage and such slow internet access that you wont want to "check your mail" ever!! all we did was trek ....panting and gasping with the excess weight and side effects of smoking I guess....drive around the country side....walk through many coffee plantations (the mainstay of farming in yercaud) eat and relax..... its surprising how long it seems when you have finally lost track of the watch and calendar!!


K and I have always been instinctive….in everything that we have done…we believe that now’s the time…there may not be another time tomorrow….ala kal ho na ho?? So we decided that we’d not had enough and wanted some more… the seas beckoned so on a whim, return tickets were cancelled and onward plans we made….we drove 14 hours into kerala……

Kerala.....it never disappoints and is everything that it promises to be……the lushness of the terrain really surprises you….went to a place called Varkala, that is a couple of hours before the very ‘touristy’ kovalam…..i wasn’t prepared for what I saw and experienced over the next four days…..the water was so clear that you can see your feet even at 20 meters into the sea…..the beach is possibly one of the cleanest I have ever seen…..



the view was breathtaking and so relaxing that I didn’t mind the 10 shades I tanned after it all….our stay at the Taj was enchanting because of the famous hospitality ….they even decorated our bed with flowers one night to surprise us while we were having dinner!! We gorged on food and it has taken its toll……..i lolled about the swimming pool and realised that I must have looked like I was drowning!! Even if we didn’t want to go out explore the place, the sea view from our suite was picture postcard variety…….we’ve returned home on Friday night….relaxed and rejuvenated and thankful for the journeys of life that we have made…I have understood somewhere that the best laid plans may not work out and don’t be surprised when the unexpected gives you more happiness than you thought it would…..k and I have a few things on hand now….the first being to recover from the vacation, the second being to loose all the holiday flab……

we’ve decided to explore a tleast three places this year that are’nt covered by the travel books….family and friends were shocked that we shed the straightjackets we’d worn for so long and showed our maverick sides again……we’d already warned them that regular calls wouldn’t be possible from where we were heading…..plus the sudden detour sort of caught them off guard…..we are so used to living a planned life!! Hell we have insurance plans for everything these days…..i’m glad that the both of us are as mad as we are…..we’d have never experienced what we did otherwise….

to sound a trifle trite……. if this is what journeys are about then I am game and my bags are packed already……………..