Thursday, September 8, 2011

Wisdom and self doubt

I've been thinking a lot. it comes with the territory of nothing better to do and too much free time on my hands. I am generally a very cognizant person. I have an eye for detail, both for people and things. I also have a degree in psychology which helps me look at things a bit deeper than surfacial. so its very rare that something within myself  escapes me. its a good and a bad thing. good because i know i am an ass to live with when i am being a superbitch. its bad because i cannot feign ignorance and wallow in self pity even if i want to. i guess it comes with the territory.

So for the last few months, i know i have been crabby and irritated and i talk in a raspy voice. one thing about my voice, it isnt the usual saccharine girly/ womanly one. even when i am not trying to be a bitch, i sound like one. once you get to know me, you will know my attitude has nothing to do with my voice. its natural and i am trying to control it but sometimes, but its such an effort and i always feel like i am under the scanner trying to modulate my voice and its a pain when i am sound angry even when i am not, cos that is the way my voice is dammit!

so anyways, i was told a few weeks ago that i have been all sorts of undesirable things. have been giving bad vibes and am always complaining. point is, i know all of this. and i have reason to be all of this and more...i felt very bad. because, when i encounter people, friends, family anyone, i accept them at face value... i never tell people, change this, do this, do that or i wont be your friend....i allow them to be themselves. that's why they need me, to be themselves around me. yeah i may crib about them here, or i bitch about them to K. but we all do. in my life, i have never ever told anyone with the exception of K that they need to change or make an improvement, or get a grip or go for meditation or do a self improvement thing. if anything gets too much for me, i retreat. give myself a breather, but have never ever given unsolicited advise.

I seem to attract it a lot tho. I have had so many people tell me to do this, try that, calm down, feel inspired, be disciplined,stop wasting time online, get creative, get productive and what not. basically, if i had any lower self esteem, i'd have believed that i was worthless and have gone down a spiral of depression.

surprisingly, this advice so to speak, is never from the primary stakeholders of my life. My mother, or brother, or K or anyone else i hold closest to my heart have never told me to change, to speak more cheerfully or to do one damn thing to change myself. K asked me to think about it this morning- 'Why is it that none of the chief stakeholders (he named some names) have never asked you to change? because this is the way you are, thats it. somedays you are happy, some days sad, some days rude and some days sweet. stop spending time on trying to change for people who arent even the cornerstone of your life. i cant believe you are even thinking about it'

it made me think... back to the friends i had in school and college... no one then asked me to change.... they still are in my life... they love me for what i am.....

its only in my adult life that i have been constantly "shown a mirror"

no one notices that i am very polite. because of my voice and the way i speak again. I never ask people personal questions, i respect everyone's personal space, i never tell them they're idiots, i never talk about their relationships or the lack of, i never ask about money or where they are getting it or where they are spending it, i never talk ill of families (except my own and i think that needs to stop).

i talk a lot about myself. about my family, my decision making process. i explain myself too much. i expose myself too much. I think i need to stop that. i need to stop generating fodder for everyone to pick up and tell me what to do and how to live my life.

I need to shed all this excess baggage.

A friend once told me that i give too freely of myself... my time and talent and heart... and that's why everyone thinks its a free for all.

i never cared for what the world thought of me.... i am finding that increasingly i do now... i need to reset properties and go back to my core....

p.s: am crying as i write this

Added after reading two comments here:Sometimes i like to cry just to let off not depressed or anything folks! thanks for the kind comments. it just beats me how everyone is holier than thou and doesnt look at their own fucking mess of a life, but advises on! that's my point....also, that i saw wisdom in K's words despite all the self doubt. I am not changing up anything except putting in some boundaries. Thank you tho, for taking the time to comfort me


Shweta said...

Don't try to change, if it is meant to be it will come along but in the process of going against the grain, one can lose control over oneself.

We all are fighting these battles are not the only one :)

We always want others to love us and we fail to love ourselves. The happiest people on the earth are who love everything and everyone including themselves.

Anonymous said...

dont do this to yourself. and if you need a shoulder then you know you can call.

arundati said...

@shweta: thank you for those words of wisdom.

@anonymous: thank you! it would be nice if you leave a name... and what number should i dial?

Anonymous said...

I have realized that even if people are trying to change you or not, you know deep inside what needs to change. I know because I try everyday to better myself. Self reflection is the key to improvement and growing as a person.

Be yourself, what others say doesn't matter, it's what your soul is telling you.

Hope all is well. Take Care.

Swapna said...

Wow.. Anu .. an anonymous shoulder to dry on... !!
Absolutely understand that post ..!! Good for ya..get steamed, release a few tears n now u r good to go... K's the man!!
Love u as u are... HUGS...