Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Mindless tv

I have spent all my non working days in the last few weeks watching TV sacked out on the bean bag in a dark room.

I love it and I get annoyed when I am interrupted by both man and beast. Sage doesn't like being confined to the room a lot and resists by panting in my face a couple of times, until he realises I am not going to heed and settles down to sleep for a few hours.

The amount of sub standard crap is boggling and my appetite for it is shocking too.

Yesterday I watched a made for internet movie with some of the finest actors from hindi movies and theater and it was utter tripe! It brought to mind an interview of Nawazuddin Siddiqui where he said so much trip was being made in the name of realistic parallel cinema. 

Sunday, September 2, 2018

So far, so good

I realised it is the first of september already today and it has filled me with a sense of insipidness. I have been in a state of limbo for a while now.  A lot of it related to work and personal stuff thats happening. I suddenly find myself being anxious about a lot of things I didnt care about earlier. I would brush things off and believe when the time is right, I would be able to deal with it and or fix it and I find myself no longer able to do that.

Starting with Sage, he turned 7 in june and it set me off in ways I am worried about. A brief and intense spate of seizures left me with a patch of acne on my face that hasnt yet subsided. I broke out with the stress of managing him and preventing a spiral cluster. Since then, he hasnt been himself. Refusing his walks, quieter than usual and disinterested in most things he liked  except food. I am unable to read the patterns and therefore unable to have a plan. Most of my responses are reactive and I dont like that about the situation. I like to be prepared, but in this case I am forced to go with the uncertain flow. My movements are further restricted and it has led to me feeling a little suffocated and guilty in equal measures.

Workwise, things have quietened down and this has led to some more anxiety. It spirals into feelings of loneliness, anxiety about what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing enough and while I was able to internalise all of it for the longest time, I now am feeling overwhelmed at regular intervals.

I have not met any of my health goals this year, my skin looks worse than ever, my nails and hair are dry and brittle and I feel I have taken my body for granted so much. I have been unable to stick to even the yoga class which was right next door that i felt I wouldnt be able to skip. But since amma left back to bangalore early last month, something or the other has happened and I havent gone since the last two weeks. Fortunately, food wise I am on track. With K on his fitness mission and eating a specific diet, we are eating almost exclusively at home and eating well.