A look back at 2017

January began well. We partied on new year's eve and I passed out on the lawn, woke up and went into the house, got into bed, woke up at 6 A.M and went about the day as though nothing had happened. Kind of like the way the entire year was.

The farm did spectacularly well. We grew carrots amongst so many other vegetables. We literally bought only onions for most of the year. We also grew our own tuvar and channa dals and I cannot even begin to express how good that feels.

Work wise, almost nothing made sense. I felt lonely and unable to put everything together. I felt the acute lack of workplace friends. People you can discuss work with because there is a common factor of the company you work for or the actual work that you do. I also felt extreme fatigue for work and didn't do classes with the pace that I usually have. I hoped that this spell would end and the only way for me to make something end is to work through it, plough through it and that's what I did.

In february, Sage had a pre seizure period that lasted a few weeks. It depleted me both mentally and physically. This dog has taught me many lessons and I love him with my life. Some of those lessons have been very exhausting and there were days when I don't know what else to do.

Amma was here in March and most of my day revolved around her. We also found that her long term eye doctor was relocating and that sent us into a mini panic attack, but she was comforted greatly by the new doctor and that was a huge relief considering how complicated her case is. March was also the time when for the first time I had baked goodies photographed professionally by a friend and professional photographer M. The results were stunning. Aunty E turned 97 and my uncle and aunt joined us in Hyderabad to surprise her.

April rolled in and the heat was terrible. I was cranky as per usual summer behavior. K and I went to Bombay for a night. We were celebrating the birthday of a friend and for the first time in 5 years, we took a flight together. Since Sage has come into our lives, we don't take any breaks or holidays by air, we drive everywhere. And K and I have not left him with anyone since he turned epileptic even for a day. So this was epic. I came home with a renewed dislike for the city that always stinks!

Amma had a fall in Chennai at home and had to have stitches put to her forehead. It was horrendous to even think about it, fortunately she had family in the same room and they rushed her to the hospital. In true spirit she bounced right back and recovered.

May was hot and happening. My friend N was here, we partied like middle aged women, with lunch and an afternoon drink post a spa date. My namesake friend was her with her adorable children and we caught up for a very short while. My summer workshops for kids were in full swing and there were boxes and boxes of perfectly sweet organic mangoes to be devoured.

May also brought amma back with my niece and nephew for two weeks. My brother and his family needed to relocate to Bombay and he wanted them to be with me so that they could pack up and organise the logistics of  transporting their household stuff. They made a stop at Hyderabad enroute Bombay with our 15 year old Cindy in tow. I was a little nervous, but the dogs got along well and each time sage got too close she snapped at him and firmly put him in his place.

June finally brought in the much needed rains. Little did we know that they would not stop till the end of september!

I turned 40 in july! there was no lightening or earth shattering but I was happy and having a great hair day on my birthday. The month was a sad one. 4 of my dog boys on the street died. I had to put down one of my favourite fellows ~ Joy. A friend of ours passed away and ironically he was an insurance agent and didnt take out insurance for himself. I was happy to end the month actually.

August began quite well. I attended an unintentionally good cake decorating class with a baker friend. We learnt indelibly how not to conduct a session. It was a lot of money wasted. And a shit storm followed because my baker friend wrote a do's and dont's piece and posted it on fb and people easily put two and two together. Its staggering to what extent some folks will stoop to harass another even when the perpetrator is clearly at fault. In august we also took a three night trip to jaipur with a group of people I have never travelled with before and I have mixed feelings about the trip. The only bright spot was that we left Sage at home with our close friend J taking care of him and he was fine. When we got back he refused to acknowledge me for half an hour, then came and cuddled into my lap. The biggest change of the month was Amma and Appa moving into an apartment on the same floor as us. It happened after a lot of back and forth and I am so glad they are finally here.

September saw me take a three day trip to Bombay at the end of the month, otherwise the month was pretty nondescript. Amma has shrunk considerably and become a shadow of herself. The move to  Bombay came with a huge upheaval and Amma and my brother were left battling the storm and anchoring the boat. When it happened, we didn't realise it, but it has taken its toll on her quite strongly. I felt guilty that I had not done enough and seeing her made me even more guilty. She turned 79 and I have never been so grateful for her life and example.

October was spent being busy with classes and having no time to think of anything else. We were enjoying the presence of K's family. Our routine now is to go there for morning coffee, I have stopped turning on the coffee filter since they moved. I pop in for atleast a couple of hours a day and both K and I spend a considerable amount of time there. It is lovely and reassuring to have them around. Sage is so confused and excited at the same time, running between the two homes. End of the month he had a bad epileptic attack and I simply shrank from the reality of it all. He recovered quickly, I cannot say the same about myself. Sometimes I wonder how this is all going to end, I dont like what I see. Amma and Rachel were here for the Diwali break and I had to skip my friend M's wedding in bangalore because I couldn't leave sage and travel even for a day. As I agonised over the decision, my 10 year old niece comforted me with "she's your friend, she will understand" and she did. M told me she understands and that nothing was more important than his health and I should take no guilt on this whole thing

I have only one significant memory for November, we celebrated our 14th anniversary with an epic dinner for two at Fisherman's wharf.

December saw some press coverage for me in The Hindu and I was beyond awkward at the photoshoot, but humbled at the response to the article. Calls and texts poured in from friends, family and students for weeks after. I had a busy month, but it was fun. I had a Christmas tea party at the studio for friends and had such fun putting it together. 23rd was K's 40th and we had a pretty good party for him at home. I was left with no energy to do anything for Christmas. We did have the tree and the cake didnt turn out great, but it was a nice quiet time with family, white wine and a spectacular Vegetable dum biryani that I made.

As the year came to a close, I remarked that it was a pretty good year for me and the Hyderabad part of the family. Not so good for Amma and my brother. The bad health, the move, the upheaval and finally settling in has left her depleted. I hope I will be able to spend a lot more time with her in 2018. the move that K's family has made was for the better. It has worked out beautifully and has added value to each member of the family.

I look back at the year in gratitude for all it has given me individually and us as a family. I have nothing but thanks.

A week of nothing

Today is thursday and I have spent every day since monday doing nothing. It feels strange and odd, but also deeply restful. If I am honest, even though it has been so long since I began teaching, 14 years of corporate training, 10 years of baking workshops and 3 years of them being fulltime, it is a physically exhausting job. I love my work, dont get me wrong. But the constant talking, explaining and being on my feet during classes for about 5 hours on an average is physically exhausting. 

Last weekend was an unexpectedly tiring week. N was here for just a week, I cancelled a saturday workshop to spend with her. We did a spa and lunch date and then thanks to jet lag she was fading by 5 pm. All plans for the evening were cancelled and she went home. B and J came over, we pulled a late night and I slept at 3.30 AM only to wake up as usual and do a bread workshop till 3.30 PM the next day. Sunday shenanigans continued and while I would have ideally liked to just crash at home, we spent the evening watching movies and talking.

Monday morning after b & J left, K went to work, I skipped breakfast for an early 12.30 lunch and then collapsed on my bed. Slept all afternoon till 6 pm only to be woken bya  slightly panicking Sage who obviously took me for dead. 

On tuesday I went to meet an old friend over coffee and chatted a bit. Got back home and spent some time online (but obviously) and then went back to sleep at the odd hour of 5 pm to wake up at 9 pm. Poor sage had his walk and meal only after I rose from my slumber. 

Yesterday was such a fun day for me. A relaxing change. I went out to meet this lady via instagram. A fellow lady baker and entrepreneur who runs a quaint little patisserie on banjara hills road. Although as per usual I did most of the talking, it was interesting to gain another perspective, especially a female perspective. Post this I headed to K's office. He has been working nonstop for the past few weeks and I have hardly seen him. He comes home in the wee hours of the morning on most days and is too sleepy in the morning to make conversation. Work was winding down and I wanted to shop a little for the house and my studio, so he decided to take me out. Post a sandwich lunch, we headed to a mall nearby. 

My love hate relationship with malls is something even I do not understand. I crave to head out, to browse stores unendingly, find something that I love and go home with it satisfied. But the minute I step into a mall I feel claustrophobic. The crowds, the AC being turned off in the corridors, and then I begin to see everything in a haze. Everything looks the same (maybe it is) and I get confused, I lose track of what I came there for and then want to leave almost immediately. Yesterday between K and me we soldiered on, bought a couple of quilts, and exited as soon as we could. Sage was not too happy to be left home alone, but he was not too annoyed. Nothing a few cuddles cant fix. We watched a movie, ordered in some momos and were in bed by 9.30. both of us kind of exhausted from the week and happy to turn in early. This week of nothing looks good. I have another couple of days before my weekend classes start and I couldn't be more grateful for this nothing-ness.

Is this the new normal?

Since the beginning of this year, I have had a terrible time with Sage's health. He's been going into a preictal phase, which is the stage before the full blown seizure, but not actually having one. The preictal stage is characterized for Sage (changes for every dog) by being more clingy than he usually is, jumpy at sudden sharp sounds, ultra sensitive to known sounds like the reverse tune of our car, sound of the lift on our floor, phone beeps and doorbell. He also sometimes begins to walk into doors and walls or wedge himself into tiny corners like between furniture etc. Constant needs for a walk because he is restless, sometimes every half hour, so I will walk him, bring him upstairs to our apartment, feed and give him water (which is a habit after every walk) and he will ask for another walk almost immediately. Which means there are days and nights when I am walking him continuously for upto 6 hours.

We put him on an hourly emergency medication which has averted the actual seizure from happening, but sometimes I wonder if he should just have the attack so that all of us can be done with it. 

This has meant round the clock monitoring and one block of 4 days when neither K or I slept because we needed to be alert. Sage can't settle down and sleep and is distrustful of climbing up and down from our bed, so I put a sheet on the floor to sleep next to him and comfort him. By the 36th hour, K and I are exhausted and at our wits end and getting at each other like cats in heat. This ended, we had a few weeks of normal and repeat!

While this sounds very mild, imagine living with this recurring every few weeks. It is exhausting. Plus I am unable to leave him home alone for any period of time, I cart him to the studio during workshops and he is leashed till the session is done. But with the temperatures soaring and the heat of the ovens, it gets ridiculously hot and uncomfortable for him and he whines and cries or is restless adding to my stress. I cannot figure whether I should give up classes and stay home or take him and lump it.

If I have to go any place, it is a mad synchronised dance with K and most times, I don't go out unless there is something very important because it causes everyone to be on edge. I do feel sometimes that I do not enough social interactions and need to get out more.

Last week, overwhelmed with all the stuff happening, I wanted to get away from everything and everyone, just walk till my feet hurt and exhaust myself physically so that the mental strain is not felt that much. But the minute I leave the house without him, Sage panics. So there I was, unable to break free, walking with him, feeling so suffocated and sorry for myself. I sat on the steps of a still unfinished mall and started to cry, cloaked by the darkness which had already fallen. I don't know why I burst into tears like that, I usually don't. But I just couldn't stop crying. Nuzzling me was Sage, making me feel more guilty that I held him partly responsible for my suffocation. He sat there, next to me, wedging his nose between my face and knees as I sobbed. I held onto him after a few minutes, and told him I was tired and sorry and just wanted a break. When I was spent, he walked me back and the next couple of days, he was so calm and tried not to get into my hair like he exactly understood what I needed.

I know he is helpless and fully dependent on me, but there are times when all I want is to have a day where I eat and sleep to my hearts content rather than according to his medication, food and walk schedule.

Work has been at the receiving end of all of this drama and for the last month, I haven't done much work which again sets me off. So it has been a cluster fuck for atleast the past 8 weeks. I am crabby and snappy and find everything getting on my nerves. I am sick of being this version of me to be honest. It has to stop, it has to change. If this is the new normal I will be terrible to live with in a few weeks :(

End of the month

Its almost the end of the month and I was so sure I would end it on a high note. It has been a good month. I had a tonne of work, did something new - did a few episodes for a TV channel, and went out with friends in one of those agenda less leisurely ways.

Yesterday while I was in one of my weekend sessions, Sage had a seizure at home. Usually we are able to tell, he is restless and we can predict one coming on. Its called pre ectal behaviour and K and I can comfortably see the signs. This time, there was no warning. Thankfully K was at home and he managed to sedate him. I was quite scattered by the time I rushed home and it brought tears to my eyes that despite the heavy sedation, Sage recognised the reversing music from my car and came to the door with the customary pillow to welcome me.

We spent the rest of the day by his side, comforting him and telling him it was ok. I slept on the floor next to him with my arm around him. I dont know if it comforts him or me more. I guess I will never know.

For 8 months now he has been seizure free and this makes for a very strange state to be in. On the one hand, we felt he had fought it well these past months. But after a 4 month period (which was his frequency) both of us begin to get edgy. There is always a nervousness to leave him locked in the house. I didn't think I would feel it after all these years, but when I step out of the lift into the corridor that leads to our door, I feel my hands shake. I don't know what will meet me when I unlock that door. Thankfully till now I haven't come face to face with my worst fear. But the shaking doesn't stop.

I've postponed my monday and tuesday class by a day. K will take off and spend time at home when I am at work this once. He is going to be travelling for a week when I have 4 day long sessions. I hope everything will be back to normal as we know it by then.

The rest of the month was so good that I really wonder if it was evil eyes and not his genetic condition that triggered the seizure.

I shot for a TV channel. Demonstrated 6 baking recipes in telugu for a woman centric channel. I've had offers before but somehow nothing worked out. I've always been asked to do it for free and if I had agreed I would probably have had more than 300 episodes to my name. I am not sure if I want to continue this. I definitely wanted to try it out and experience the whole thing.

We shot at my studio on a wednesday. The shoot started late, around 12.45 PM and I was really beginning to lose it. Everything that you imagine TV shooting to be, it is not! The crew, tho very friendly gives 'zero' inputs. The brief was to 'do my stuff' so I went into full on teaching mode. I was not too unhappy with what we got, but not super happy either. Was happy to go with the flow and enjoy the experience. Its good to cringe at yourself once in a while. I am also very aware of the fact that I sound quite gruff and appear to be grumpy. I am not, I can assure you!

Since the last two years I have been very open to opportunities that have come my way and not shied away from exploring them. One lives and learns and I think for me the big shift mentally has been not to say no at the first instance.

I am not sure where blogging is leading me. Especially with the food blog. So much more 'engagement' on social media is happening and it leaves me quite fatigued even at times.

update: today is tuesday. I have a full day ahead and I just remembered this post was still in drafts. Need to get going now. Sage has had a restful day and he will hopefully be well while I am away for half the day. Talk soon <3 p="">

things .... little and big things

Its 20 days into the new year 2016 and I still haven't had a chance to write about the year that went past. 2015 has been eventful to say the least. A lot has happened in this year and if you knew me in my previous avatar then you do know the intense internal pressure I feel to document atleast the highlights.... Here is where the most significant shift has happened. 

2015 was a year where I was addicted to the internet for reasons I know, but don't want to acknowledge. It was the year that I spent more time online, via my phone, telling myself it was solitude. I lied to myself repeatedly that it was down time and yet deep in my heart I called that bullshit. Not out of my own genius, but because I was so fatigued by the end of August of all the information I was consuming but was unable to process. FB, Instagram and twitter, three parts of my poison, of which FB was the most cluttered. Combine inane updates from more than 650 "friends", auto play videos and articles, likes and shares. Soon FB became the only bit of internet real estate I was consuming on an hourly basis. There was so much information - good, bad and insignificant and I had nowhere to process or use it. For all those wise people who were naturally able to see this and call off this before it became bullshit, I commend you. For mortals like me, it took so much more time. Till I began getting so annoyed with the people populating my TL and myself for mindlessly consuming it. It was like sitting on a couch in front of brain dead TV and eating through a 5 kilo bag of chips and wondering why you felt like you sucked on an oil slick. Yes I pare my friends list each month, I change and alter my privacy settings to filter my TL, but that is just a small step. Then there is instagram and twitter (which I still don't get, but I am hanging onto). 

Add to this a growing personal fatigue, in part because we hadn't taken a vacation in 20 months and forced financial goals that put a considerable amount of pressure on us. 

We took a vacation in october finally after a week when I snapped in my head, had a mini meltdown which as always ends in a puddle of tears and snot. It was one of the best vacations we've had. I felt calm and relaxed and most of our time was just spent reading and sleeping. For the first two days, K and I were so exhausted, we slept more than Sage who usually clocks about 16 hours a day! I felt no compulsion to photograph or document digitally our time and I have such few pictures from the vacation, it is shocking to me. I documented it old style.... with a notebook and I loved that experience. The shift was very refreshing and it reinforced the fact that everything that was actually important to me was with me in that moment. 

Blogging suffered as a result and my cooking blog saw such few recipe posts that it was something I was not happy about, but not enough to do something about. This space has always been my personal diary and except for a few instances this past week, it has remained just intensely personal where I write without grammar, syntax and coherence even. I use Social Media for work, but I am less inclined for now, to share too much personal stuff. There was an intense marriage of chaos and calm in my head and the clarity was a bulb aglow in the dark! hahaha

However in total contrast to the above passage, I need to tell you that one of the greatest and most intensely joyous things we did in 2015 was to purchase a farm, I haven't been able to write about it at all for all things silly and insane (ahem like the evil eye!). It has been a dream for K and me to have a space which is a green lung and offers refuge for us, the family and Sage to forget all our city worries and walk on wet loose earth. We began this journey in April 2015, scouting for something nice and I had the most beautiful advance birthday gift given to me in June with a sealed and signed deed. Cutting a long story short, we have built a really tiny and rustic cottage and rang in new years in a circle of love and a giant bonfire! I am excited to be growing vegetables and fruit and my heart can explode when I think of this gift. Also it usually ends in a pool of tears. 

I know that my documentation of the year and its events is my way of reassuring myself that I did good, that I did something significant in the year. In which case, the good and happy far outweighs the sad and annoying parts of 2015. 

In 2016, I want the shift to be from from counting my accomplishments to being able to feel gratitude for everything even if I failed, made an ass of myself and looked silly. At the end of this year, I want to look back with gratitude and grace. I wrote on instagram (I think) that 2015 was equal parts painful and fabulous and that I am carrying forward the fabulous. I hope I remember this when I am not feeling that courageous. 

Grace is not something I offer easily to myself and therein lies the real struggle for me. A recurring theme this week in my life has been grace. I want to  be able to give to myself what I so easily give to everyone and everything else in my life. 

Day 7 ~ Technology

I am grateful for technology - mostly the internet and all that it brings. I am grateful that it forces us to practice moderation.

I am grateful for all the tools of convenience in the kitchen, to aid in housework and to communicate. That I am just a text or a call away from my friends and family. That I can be in touch with friends and share what I ate for dinner or what clothes I am trying on or just tell them I am pissed off at something with the click of a button.

For being able to know whats happening around the world in real time, for improving my world view, for the inspiration via the internet. For the thousands of food related blogs, websites, photo albums etc that help me in my work, allow me to fantasize and live vicariously.

Grateful that I get to work and advertise my work without having to move my behind out of my chair. For movies and TV programming and cameras and all the other gizmos that keep me entertained.

For technology that helps monitor health conditions, repair and recover I am truly truly grateful. 

Day 6 ~ Sage

Since this gratefulness exercise is not in order of preference, Sage makes an appearance only now. 

The joy of owning a pet is like nothing I can describe. They make you happy, sad, excited, anxious and crazy in a span of a few minutes. Sage to me is more than a pet. He has occupied a deep emotional space I didn't know I had. He has made me maternal, an instinct I didn't think I possessed. He is my constant companion at all times of night and day. He has loved me like no human being ever can and expects the world of me, but is satisfied with whatever I choose to give him. 

With his epilepsy, he has made me accept that no matter how good looking and perfect things look, there is always an unexpected and almost fragile part to everyone. He has made me patient, compassionate beyond what I thought possible and happy to just enjoy the moment. 

The gusto with which he eats, plays and simply sleeps has made me realise that I can slow down and enjoy these things. That one need not feel guilty if one wants an extra serving of food or love or sleep. 

Sage has made me let go of a lot of my territorial madness simply by sharing my living space, not sparing any cushion or pillow from his drool and messing up a perfectly made bed. He has also taught me not to take myself too seriously. 

It is difficult to write what I feel about this mad badly behaved pooch. But on the days when I am lonely, or sad or tired or have to sleep alone because K is travelling, I am grateful for this four legged creature that shares my life. 

Day 5 ~ Work

Grateful for the work experiences I have had. The ones in my corporate career and all its phases. 

The first job at 16, earning a pittance, but what taught me the value of money. 

The first job post my MBA which made me think I am fancy and then brought me crashing down to realise I was the only woman, there were no toilets and people really viewed me as a nuisance more than anything. It made me swallow my ego, really learn my job so that I could speak with authority and knowledge and remember how much more there was for me to learn. 

The period of unemployment very early in life. Which made me desperate for opportunities, respectful of my skills and taught me to value myself and the opportunities I was given.

My phase of customer service, where I had no idea why everyone was unhappy with me although I was doing everything correctly. I realised that I needed to develop and fine tune my skills AKA practice voice modulation. My boss RS who inspired me with his integrity and taught me that sometimes one makes huge sacrifices for standing your ground.

Moving to Corporate Training which made me humble, swallow my ego and embrace the fact that I didn't have all the answers. It made me realise I have boundless energy and I am like an energiser bunny when I am inspired enough. The thrill when people I have trained remember and connect with me 7-8 years after they've attended a session. The success I enjoyed as a trainer was the most in all my professional roles. 

The confidence to let go of a regular job to do stuff on my own - writing, blogging and other things like selling garments in a pop up bazaar, all of which paid the bills even when I didn't have a regular job.  

Discovering what 'Dignity of Labour' meant to me in a very personal way, when I began making chocolates to sell. That I value every pie I earn because it comes from the labour of my two hands has been an empowering and humbling experience. The freedom to choose cooking classes. The very twisted satisfaction I get every time someone looks at me with pity when I say that I teach cooking (because I am weird like that, and hello, internally I am smiling). 

The balls err OK, spine to open a full fledged cooking studio. I didn't realise what a huge leap of faith it was till people started complimenting the move.  

Work that gives me money, satisfaction, freedom and the fire in my belly to do more. Work that has taught me to value my skills and my abilities, work that has made me overcome so many fears. I am grateful for this journey, because I know not many have the opportunity to experiment like I do. 

Day 4 ~ Life

Yes, for the most obvious thing on earth ~ Life

I am grateful to experience this thing called life, its chances, its people, my fellow journeymen. The lessons it has taught me, the ones I remmeber and cling to, the ones I have forgotten.

For the brilliant chances and successes. For the utter failures - the ones I saw coming and the ones that gobsmacked me by surprise. For waking up every morning and having something of beauty to experience, a walk, a sunrise, a package, a hot steaming cup of coffee in absolute silence, an email from a reader, a phonecall from a classmate long forgotten.

For failures and the ability and opportunity to try again. For the resilience I have developed, for the joy and success. For everything this life has to offer and for the fact that I am consciously experiencing it, I am grateful.

For the love, laughter and fun times. The joys and successes, the friendships, the madness. The unending possibilities and the skies that I look at and smile. 

Day 3 ~ Friends

Where would I be without them? At every stage in my life, I have had at least one intense relationship with a friend. An all consuming one. 

Friends, from school, neighborhood, college, work and some I met off the internet. 

The ones from school, who taught me to be competitive, the ones who called me names and then reconciled, the ones who held my hand while I threaded my eyebrows for the first time, the ones I saw many a movies with, the ones who taught me telugu, insisting I speak it right, the ones I shopped with and didn't judge my sparse knowledge of fashion, the ones who grew up with me and helped me navigate rocky roads.

Friends of my late teenage years and early twenties, the ones I still am tied to. The ones who grew to be my soul mates, the ones I can talk to.

Friends from college, studying away from home, in a hostel for the first time, the ones I lived with.The ones who were my accomplices as we did stuff we don't want to acknowledge today :P

Friends from work, especially those who taught me how to use tact and be more subtle. The ones who are firmly entwined in my life even today. The ones I discussed work with, trends in our line of business and office politics. 

Friends from blogging, who seemlessly integrated into my life, the ones I speak to on an almost daily basis. For those of whom, even if I stop blogging, will always remain in my life. 

I've named a lot of them over the years in the posts I've written, but again here today, as I type this out their faces flash through my head. 

Friends teach you many things. They are the most accepting of who you are and don't judge you for what you become eventually either by choice or fate. They inspire and help and kick your ass if needed. They will keep your secrets and make fun of your hardest choices just to keep it light and real. I've had inspiration and energy from my friends, I have at various times drawn from their lives, their experiences and their convictions. I am always grateful for finding them. 

I spent today at a spa with two of my closest friends. It is an apt theme for gratitude today. 

Day 2 ~ Family

I'm grateful for my family. My parents taught me the value of education more than anything and perseverance. I think more than anything else, Amma has been someone who has showed by example. She's not one of the wisest people around, but her spirit is undefeated. She's taught me what steely nerves and grit are made of, and that they can be encased in the softest hands and the most genuine of smiles. 

I have imaginary conversations with my father, what he would be like if he was alive, what we would have talked about, and how proud he would have been if he saw me today. I regret not spending more time with him. 

Peddi who taught us table manners, soft spoken-ness, correct grammar and would whoop my ass if I was being an asshole. I am more like her than Amma, I even look like her and have her voice. 

My brother A, the mad sibling, the guy who is the male version of me. Emotional, irrational at times and a temper that matches mine. In a lot of ways, even tho I sometimes don't agree with what he does, in a strange way, I understand his point totally. We've had a see saw type of relationship... stuck at the hip and then ready to gouge each other's eyes out. Yet, if I had one person to pick to bail me out of anything, it would be him. And I know its the same for him too. We just need to speak more often. 

While the memories of my teenage and childhood are fading and I remember vividly just the major milestones, the biggest influence on me these past few years is my MIL. A woman who is atleast 50 years ahead of our times, she has taught me patience and resilience. She stands for being reasonable and is a source of quiet strength.

Cousins, extended family and everyone else. Fun childhood despite the very humble means, we made memories with whatever we had. Some of my cousins I retain a bond with, some I have vague memories of. They've all contributed to the bank of things I pull out and use from time to time. 

Day 1 ~ K

I am starting this year with a seven days of gratefulness exercise.

2014 ended with a bang! Quite literally I mean. We went to my friends B & J's for a party. The terrace was done up with fairy lights and candles, like a wonderland. There was great food, booze, no music and just a few people enough to have proper conversations with. Oh yeah Sage ran amok for a while and had to be seriously reprimanded.

After the party and dinner, on our way out, I was sort of fast trotting because Sage had a loo call and before I realised what happened, excruciating pain and immobility told me I was down on the ground, in a heap, in a rather ungraceful pose, because I fell with all my might and twisted my ankle. I was sure I had a fracture, I shuddered which doctor would be available at 3.45 AM on a new years day.

So what am I grateful for? K

He's my partner of almost 19 years, my best friend, lover and the keeper of my spirit. I usually forget how fortunate I am to have him to journey this life with, because I am so used to having him around. I am grateful I fell in love with him, his intelligence and his courage. I am grateful I married him because I almost didn't.

It is easy to see the warts and pick on him, like I wrote here. But on days like today, when I am laid up in bed, wincing in pain and wondering how the house and schedule of which I am the 100% custodian will manage, he steps in. Goofy face and troubled voice cannot hide his concern.

He helps me out of my clothes, into my night clothes, inspects my foot, puts on some pain relieving ointment, gives me some tabs, props my foot up on a pillow, tucks me in and asks me to sleep and it will be all better tomorrow he says. I want to scream, in pain, in embarrassment at my clumsiness, in anger and in sheer helplessness. He insists it is not a fracture that I am convinced of. And I want to scream back with "what would you know? It hurts so bad" but exhaustion takes over and I sleep.

When I wake up, he has walked the dog, fed and medicated him, made himself some awful coffee, ordered breakfast and asked our friends if they can bring over some lunch, with extras to last a few days because he cannot cook. through the day, he keeps the house spic and span, even cleans the kitchen and I wonder if this is the same slothful guy I've lived with all these years. He stays at my side, icing my foot, massaging it, putting on my sprain bandage and asking me to will myself to be better.

I take pictures and send them to all my friends on whatsapp. Poking fun at him, but inside, I am overwhelmed with the tenderness and love that he is showering over me. I am grateful for his care. I am grateful for his encouragement, for the way he talks sense even when enraged. Most of all I am grateful he chose me to be with.

The next time I am mad about a wet towel on the freshly made bed, I will come back and read this post. :)