Sunday, September 2, 2018

So far, so good

I realised it is the first of september already today and it has filled me with a sense of insipidness. I have been in a state of limbo for a while now.  A lot of it related to work and personal stuff thats happening. I suddenly find myself being anxious about a lot of things I didnt care about earlier. I would brush things off and believe when the time is right, I would be able to deal with it and or fix it and I find myself no longer able to do that.

Starting with Sage, he turned 7 in june and it set me off in ways I am worried about. A brief and intense spate of seizures left me with a patch of acne on my face that hasnt yet subsided. I broke out with the stress of managing him and preventing a spiral cluster. Since then, he hasnt been himself. Refusing his walks, quieter than usual and disinterested in most things he liked  except food. I am unable to read the patterns and therefore unable to have a plan. Most of my responses are reactive and I dont like that about the situation. I like to be prepared, but in this case I am forced to go with the uncertain flow. My movements are further restricted and it has led to me feeling a little suffocated and guilty in equal measures.

Workwise, things have quietened down and this has led to some more anxiety. It spirals into feelings of loneliness, anxiety about what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing enough and while I was able to internalise all of it for the longest time, I now am feeling overwhelmed at regular intervals.

I have not met any of my health goals this year, my skin looks worse than ever, my nails and hair are dry and brittle and I feel I have taken my body for granted so much. I have been unable to stick to even the yoga class which was right next door that i felt I wouldnt be able to skip. But since amma left back to bangalore early last month, something or the other has happened and I havent gone since the last two weeks. Fortunately, food wise I am on track. With K on his fitness mission and eating a specific diet, we are eating almost exclusively at home and eating well.

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