Sunday, October 24, 2010

Smile on....

I went to the nursery yesterday in bangalore to pick up some herbs. the nursery is tended to by physically and mentally challenged people. the proceeds go towards their support. they have a program where a donor can provide for 3 meals a day for 15 days for all the people in this home. I made a donation in the name of N my baby cousin N who would have been 27 today. It is still very painful to think of her in the past tense. its been 8 years since she passed away in a road accident. 

I've not wanted to acknowledge all these years how much this has affected me. her death was like a domino effect with 2 others in 5 months to follow. but i want to remember her life. the 18 years she spent with us that should bring us joy in our remembrances and not sorrow. The three losses, i feel like i have blocked out purposely because recalling them all is so painful, but i want to get over that finally. i dont want her memories to be a burden. purely because she was such a joy.sure in her teenaged years i couldnt stand her attitude....but all that was still on the surface.... underneath was just the pure bond that siblings have. 

I realised i was trying to block it all out because i only recall the blankness of shock and pain and the desperation to do something to undo what had just happened is the first memory i have when i think of N. i want that to change. I had the misfortune of being the one to convey the message to her parents. I wanted to shake her back to i decided to do something positive rather than just mope around when i think of her, hence the donation. i hardly go to the graveyard. not even to peddi's. it completely spooks me out. so i will remember you and your life....not your death...because none of us have been able to escape it. 

Darling girl, i see so much of your spunk in Rachel....we miss you so much. Especially your daddy and mummy who you have left with such a broken heart that even their grandson R cant heal it. Cant help but think what you would have would have been working for sure by now in an advt agency, raising hell and lashing everyone with your sharp tongue. Or maybe you’d have met your match and would have mellowed down.... you would have been married possibly, or atleast seeing someone special... you would still have had those ugly long nails and that beautiful wavy hair.... hopefully you would have lost weight and taken full advantage of that fabulous height you were a riot...still would have been.... instead you had to leave us panting for more...left us all craving to hear your shrill laughter again....just disappeared from our lives with no thought for how we’d you dear girl.... i try not to think of you because i feel so heartbroken. I think i selfishly hang on to your memories and love you more than i did when you were around.... you’ve taught us to value everything that is in our life for now...for the moment.... we cant thank you enough for being in our lives, and allowing us to live with your memory....we’d have rather had more of you...but for whatever we had, we’re grateful....

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