really long rant

I thought i would let it go, but its so much in my head that i should get it out of there for my own sanity.... in the last post i mentioned that i have now realised completely with no room for doubt in my head that i am not a happy person when i am not in control of a situation....its like this, where i or something i bring to the table are at stake, i would rather be in control...where i dont have to be a central, important to the plot character i am perfectly happy sitting on the sidelines....

what happens when the two are mixed is a recipe for total disaster in my book....have you found yourself trying to cook in a kitchen that isnt your own surrounded with alien gadgets and people bustling about, more like being in your hair and feet? the end product is always crappy and like shit luck has to follow you around...that one dish which everyone lapped up and begged for more, when you try to make it in someone else's kitchen turns out to be the worst kitchen disaster ever.... this is just an example... i mean when expectations are sky high, and circumstances not to your liking, the end result is always frustratingly disappointing....

i tried too hard to please a few people.... to cater to needs they didnt really have...and i was so bitterly disappointed. especially because i gave them the gift of my time, and it wasnt reciprocrated. I came home thinking of the 6 hrs wasted and how i would have rather had some me time....read a book, blogged or just slept.....a time when i could have rejuvenated instead of boiling my blood.

i could have taken control...ordered the pesky kids (i really need to develop a threshold for 8-9 yr old oversmart children) off and asked for everyone to pay attention to what we were trying to do....i didnt want to...appear rude...i wanted to make the most of the situation...and i failed miserably...

I've been teaching people to bake and make chocolates for 3 years now......many times, these sessions are not done in my house...i've done it at friend's houses, offices, office cafeterias and even at schools.... never once have the results been so disastrous... i had no idea who was doing what...disinterested minds, constant reference to "someone else making it this way", children demanding attention and wanting to be part of the melee....we forgot the sugar in one, added too much melted butter in another and abandoned the fourth recipe .....

no offense to anyone involved... but i really dont think i can repeat this performance...i dont need to please anyone....i dont need to prove my credentials....and i dont need to wage a battle...and all for what?? to bake a cake!

of this group, there was one for who's sole sake i agreed to do this... i think it would have been a lot better had i just stopped at this one person and we'd hung out and experimented together...just the both of us....

And the most frustrating part of this whole thing is, i am feeling angry at having disappointed everyone...i wonder if they even gave a thought to all that time of mine wasted...