Cant wait!!

Two things that have excited me the most this past few weeks….. my impending holiday….. and my weight (yes I get excited when it comes down!!)!!

First things first I finally have a passport!! Hurrah!! Double hurrah!! I found every excuse in the book so far……I didn't have a passport sized foto…was too fat to take one….hadn't threaded my eyebrows….didn't have on a good top……..didn't find a good photographer….. Didn't know where to take one….the list is endless…. If I could make up excuses for 5 years imagine how creative I am!! The real things that were acceptable as excuses were the fact that I had no document to show as proof of identity and address…. So the sheepish admission that I didn't have a passport continued for many years…. till suddenly K was supposed to take a foreign trip for work, and said he'd take me along and post his completion of work, we'd take a break and take in a holiday…so I went into overdrive…guess how long it took after I applied?? 5 days!! all of that…!! I applied through tatkal…hence the quick processing!! But I made an event of it…..!! so celebrate that and a belated valentine's day K surprised me with a trip to Maldives (isn't he the bestest??) !! We leave on the 3^rd of march……….I cant wait to get there….the pictures of the resort we're staying at are beyond words……..

The next is that I have managed to lose 5 kilos and am closer to my ideal weight than ever!! Just another 5 to go….its the first time in 3 years that I have been able to do this…yes I did go on a diet…and no it wasn't one of those "starve till you collapse" ones…. This one is my own concection…..it also means that in the last 4 weeks I have eaten rice only 3 times (sigh!!) but anything for reducing my girth….. since it has all happened in 4 weeks, my friends have exclaimed in disbelief!! If there is one thing that pleases someone more than diamonds (albeit an overweight someone) it is to be told that they have lost weight / look thinner………….

So there you have it……two things that have given me more excitement than anything else these past few weeks!! If you catch me grinning…you know now why!!

Last Friday I decided to attend a cookery class that was being advertised for a while now….of the bouquet I chose Lebanese food and looked forward to the class with a great degree of excitement…not just because Lebanese is one of my favourite kinds of food, but it would be nice to attend a class rather than conduct one…..

I was so wrong….the unpreparedness to the point where halfway during class the cook was dispatched to buy ingredients, most ingredients were being substituted for what was actually on hand anyways….the cook actually demonstrated a few of the items, and all I could think of was if he'd washed his hands……the instructor kept scratching her head throughout (albeit with failed discretion)…..

I politely refused to eat the food…but tasted all of it to confirm if I my gut feeling right or just taking my imagination too far and giving her less credit than she deserved….paid up and bolted….i regretted that I dragged along S….though we had a good laugh afterwards and couldn't stop thinking how all this happened with no remorse….

Let me put it down to spending all that money on a valuable life lesson……the next time I will trust my instinct and run as fast as I can….

i dont need to make all the mistakes myself.....

Seemingly balanced people shocking me…. That's what this is all about at one level…. So called mature, independent, successful people feeling an emptiness that tears them apart….ridden by an angst of insecurity and low self esteem….unable to shake off the lack of success…. Angry with the world for not giving them what they think is their due…. This sense of entitlement that the world and its cousin owes them….our imagination making us prisoners of an ambition we can never equal….. and the same imagination taking us to the pinnacle of success that we have dreamt of….only in the metaphysical state, we are already crowned king and queen….cut to the real picture, where you still are where you were…..just sitting there lost in your thoughts….and unable to accept the picture as it really is…. Living in denial….and not doing anything but waiting around for the red carpet to be rolled out and the rose petals to be strewn about…in reality , the world will go on without you…and if you don't think life is special enough to be savoured and enjoyed, it will pay you back with the same coin…..

I feel sad and angered at the same time…for the times that we are all blinded by our righteousness and cant see what's in front of us……for the times we feel alone and lost and find ourselves with nowhere to go….

I told K last night that I sleep each night with the knowledge that I love him more than anything and I am thankful of his love…and if I can help it…I will never take it for granted …. Sometimes it pays for us to shut up and see the wisdom in someone else's mistakes…. We don't have to make all the mistakes ourselves….just keeping our ears and eyes open and mouths shut can teach us so much….

I think it helped more than I gave it credit…or maybe I was just fed up with my cribbing self…..i got off my sorry ass and got a few things done yesterday!! The Christmas tree and tinsel are finally off…not just off, but packed neatly in the pre designated boxes and up on the loft till next year….just like I liked them and just like how I would ideally like them packed…. I didn't succumb and put them all together in a plastic bag in a jumbled mess I was so tempted to….. I endured a raging headache for 3 hours as well…. But I feel good…life is getting back to sanity…. Then I baked two cakes…one was a disappointment…of course it was bound to be if you saw what I did…. I was pissed with myself….so I baked another and this one rose to the occasion quite beautifully….who can resist a whole wheat chocolate cake?? Not me….. the prize of course came in the evening….a few casual mentions of hitting a night spot came together…and I was all up and ready…..a hot shower made me forget that terrible headache…. There's something about a hot jet of water hitting you on the head and shoulders that no therapy or drug can buy………. I spent some time on my hair and ignored the fact that I should have threaded my eyebrows….infact when S (who we were going out with) asked the inevitable "what shall we wear?" I answered "what difference will it make? Its going to be dark and everyone will eventually be drunk…and after a couple, regardless of what we wore or weighed we'll feel like Cindy Crawford" …….. so we hit town…. 10 D my favourite watering hole, I was already almost drunk!! Only one thing struck me….we'd come for retro night….and when you start to enjoy retro night, you know that you are older than you thought!! I had a blast…. I loved the music and regardless of my severed toe nail braved the dance floor…. And yeah…..i did feel like Cindy Crawford!!

Nothing can be worse than an inertia filled dead end that I have been filled with these past few weeks…..lots has happened…it is'nt for the lack of happenings that I have'nt been able to post….its just the inertia….like the chicken and the egg story, I don't know which one is perpetrating the other…the inertia and bad mood…. I've had a few scream ins the last few days…and people around me don't know what's hit me….. I am unable to cook even….. something that's like therapy to me…. I always believed, come bad health, weather or mood….cooking always liberated me………not so this time…. I have tones of things to do…things that I have postponed for so long that I am truly ashamed…. I am hoping, putting this out in the open will help me deal with this craziness………please….i hate the way I feel right now…and I need to believe that only I can change it…………