Change...why am i so terrified of it?

Its saturday and i woke up at 7! I havent woken up before 8 in a few weeks now, we've been watching the telly and sleeping past 2 a.m...fourth day in a row i am up early. I severed a longish relationship a few days ago. My househelp D. She was acting up, not taking what i said seriously and so i felt it was time to start over. I dont think she agonised over it as much as i did. I pondered over it, wondered if i was being too harsh, thought of her useless non earning husband and her two school going kids and waited almost 8 months. but i could see each time she did something that pissed me off, that i was one step closer to letting her go.

D worked with me for 4 years, which is rare in the part of town where i live. Maids and drivers hop about from building to building every other month with the promise of 200 bucks more....She was pretty much in sync with how i ran the house and tho excruciatingly slow and sometimes slack with work, she was trustworthy. When we went out of town, she'd have the keys to the house to water the plants etc. 

So this takes me back to why i resisted firing her even when i felt that was needed. I was terrified of not getting someone else, the comfort of having someone who knew exactly how i like things to be done and the training! The security of having a known system that works... frustratingly at times, but functional for the most part. 

I always think of myself as someone who likes to adjust, who works around what i have, even if it means it is less than 100% perfect. I am very cautious about trying not to upset the apple cart. I believe i am wary and scared of change. I like to go with the flow....

But if i look back, i think i sweat the small stuff... returning a pack of bad quality stuff to the grocer, getting back some deposit that i paid and didnt get service for, letting the autowallah overcharge me because i am just grateful to get home etc....

In the stuff that is bigger, like work and career and life plans, i have just taken leaps of faith. Let's see.... I've moved to places to study and work where i didnt know anyone but for a few classmates, i've moved jobs without having another one in hand simply because i knew the current one wasn't feeling right, I've bought an apartment on impulse ( i saw just one, and finalised it in 2 hours), hell i even dated (and married) a guy with no regard to my "must have" checklist!

I mean, how many people do you know, who said in the retention interviews..." i want some time off to find myself...i dont know what i will do, but i am sure i wont work an office job" or someone who says "i love the french doors opening onto the balcony! lets buy this house!" or encouraged K to quit working  so he could write his book at a time when I too wasnt working and said we'd manage fine....

I dont think i did too badly then....its the mundane stuff that i want on auto pilot...I like to have a schedule and a routine for mundane stuff... i hate wasting time especially in housework even if i am doing nothing else.... the only stuff i enjoy is cooking and arranging cupboards....so the sooner i could outsource all of that, the better....I've seen amma agonise over things which i think are silly... like paying a little extra to get a job done...and get worked up over the maid not coming in... i simply call in a replacement...and the world wont come to a standstill if the dishes arent done one day.

I know people who wait half the day for the maid or the plumber or the electrician to come in and fix something...and everything else is on standby till these people show up and get the work done. I would get tired of waiting and get cranky and that is not a good thing (ask K). I know households who dont have a routine or a schedule and everything is on a daily decision basis... i'd go crazy if it was like that... i like regularity....there are some things which are a total drain of time if they need daily supervision. that would tire me... maybe that's why i didnt want to upset the apple cart of the house...

So anyways, i called for a replacement, i interviewed 4 and picked one...so far no complaints...i'd feel like a miserable failure if i cant get my househelp to do things the way I wanted! 

drawing the line

how much should you get involved in another person's life? your parents, kids, siblings, friends? where do you draw the line? how do you decide how much is too much? offlate these questions have been in my head....a friend shares something with you and you want to say something....should you express yourself honestly or shut up and just appreciate even if those complimentary thoughts are not yours? if you are really close, should you say exactly what you feel/ mean or worry that the friend will be hurt? Lately i feel everyone including myself has become very touchy about everything. 

where are the rules when people have different opinions on careers and religion and expenses and relationships? I feel stifled and cant seem to say stuff without the thought at the back of my head that i would be hurting someone...or coming across as judgemental (when i am not). 

I've gotten into situations where i have had very strong opinions...and after i have said something, i am consumed by the anxiety of having hurt the other people in the conversation....and if i havent said anything, i've felt so restless, i've had to meditate.... its not been a good situation to be in....

I recently read this book called crucial conversations... it presents a step by step process to make a conversation work when it turns crucial...it could be with your spouse, parent, work situation and anywhere else that a conversation becomes crucial.... at work we've found this model very useful and have designed a program around it.... I am trying to use the model and i can tell you its helped me.

Smile on....

I went to the nursery yesterday in bangalore to pick up some herbs. the nursery is tended to by physically and mentally challenged people. the proceeds go towards their support. they have a program where a donor can provide for 3 meals a day for 15 days for all the people in this home. I made a donation in the name of N my baby cousin N who would have been 27 today. It is still very painful to think of her in the past tense. its been 8 years since she passed away in a road accident. 

I've not wanted to acknowledge all these years how much this has affected me. her death was like a domino effect with 2 others in 5 months to follow. but i want to remember her life. the 18 years she spent with us that should bring us joy in our remembrances and not sorrow. The three losses, i feel like i have blocked out purposely because recalling them all is so painful, but i want to get over that finally. i dont want her memories to be a burden. purely because she was such a joy.sure in her teenaged years i couldnt stand her attitude....but all that was still on the surface.... underneath was just the pure bond that siblings have. 

I realised i was trying to block it all out because i only recall the blankness of shock and pain and the desperation to do something to undo what had just happened is the first memory i have when i think of N. i want that to change. I had the misfortune of being the one to convey the message to her parents. I wanted to shake her back to life.......so i decided to do something positive rather than just mope around when i think of her, hence the donation. i hardly go to the graveyard. not even to peddi's. it completely spooks me out. so i will remember you and your life....not your death...because none of us have been able to escape it. 

Darling girl, i see so much of your spunk in Rachel....we miss you so much. Especially your daddy and mummy who you have left with such a broken heart that even their grandson R cant heal it. Cant help but think what you would have done...you would have been working for sure by now in an advt agency, raising hell and lashing everyone with your sharp tongue. Or maybe you’d have met your match and would have mellowed down.... you would have been married possibly, or atleast seeing someone special... you would still have had those ugly long nails and that beautiful wavy hair.... hopefully you would have lost weight and taken full advantage of that fabulous height you had.....you were a riot...still would have been.... instead you had to leave us panting for more...left us all craving to hear your shrill laughter again....just disappeared from our lives with no thought for how we’d cope....love you dear girl.... i try not to think of you because i feel so heartbroken. I think i selfishly hang on to your memories and love you more than i did when you were around.... you’ve taught us to value everything that is in our life for now...for the moment.... we cant thank you enough for being in our lives, and allowing us to live with your memory....we’d have rather had more of you...but for whatever we had, we’re grateful....

Soup ki Rani, Calories ka Raja

That would be the title of the movie made on the current life we live. For those of you who know us for real. K had undertaken an incredible journey of weightloss some 100 days ago and what he has achieved has been phenomenal. With determination and discipline, he's reached his goal. 

he's eaten smart. exercised hard and gotten where he wanted to. the badminton 6 times a week continues as does the gym even tho he's reached his weight goals. what has aided is the way we've been eating!  I have learnt as much as i can about planning dinner to provide enough nutrition without being heavy on carbohydrates. 

salads have made a huge comeback into our lives. With salad adding bulk and fiber to even packed lunches that he now carries to office. i too have been compelled to eat smarter and have lost a few kilos in the bargain. i have another 8 weeks to reach my ideal weight and i think with this discipline i should be on track. K kicking me out of the house and the reminding me of the money we paid for the gym membership is definitely helping me get off my behind and onto the cross trainer.

just changing our dinner pattern has made such a huge difference to the whole weight loss initiative. about 1/3 of our intake is now from fresh fruit which is a good thing anyways. there's a blanket ban on calorie heavy food after 7.30 p.m and so i have literally morphed into a treasure trove of assorted soups. clear thai soup one day, lemon and coriander the other and even pumpkin and sweet potato.

so yeah, if i needed a movie title for our current life, it would have have to be called "Soup ki Rani, Calories ka Raja"

all about tears

roller coaster feelings are nothing new to me.... i don't know if i have said this earlier, but despite what it may look like, i cry quite easily. often for no reason, sometimes for nothing. i dont know what it is about tears that well up in my eyes, it looks like they are omnipresent. anything can turn me teary...

like seeing this baby in this makeshift cradle on a construction site. for days after i saw this, i couldn't focus on anything except how sweetly he smiled at me all the while i stood there, stunned. for many days i couldnt get that image out of my mind, i  went to bed teary but thankful for all the blessings I've had.

there are those moments, when everything just stands still and i am in tears....i cant say why or how...like this weekend which after a long time, was a quiet weekend for us. We were by ourselves and watched movies from the afternoon till into the early morning. just sitting there with K, running my hand through his hair and him turning around to look at me reduced me to tears. i was spaced out and in a rotten mood just a few hours ago. blame it on  the lack of sleep induced crankiness. he gives me the benefit of doubt i am at times unwilling to give him. i really lucked out with this man, i swear! one moment, we were dipping biscuits into chai and talking...the other moment a bewildered man looked at his wife who was sobbing! All because i was thankful to be with him.

earlier i wouldn't accept that i cried so much. something i naively thought would help preserve my tough girl image. i only cry in private, behind a closed door, preferably the bathroom. if i feel teary i rush to the nearest washroom! but now i have no qualms in accepting that i cry. my eyes and nose resembles rudolph the red nosed reindeer. and i look worse than i usually do... but in my heart and soul i feel like a weight of a few tonnes has lifted and i feel so relieved.

have you felt like that? so tensed about a situation at work or home that you feel you will burst into a million pieces? i remember a few weeks before our wedding, the wedding cards didnt come out right. i bawled and bawled.... in the washroom of the office. my friend thought the wedding was called off! and when i said it was the cards, she was so relieved. she says she wanted to hit me cause i made it look so terrible, when all i was crying over were some badly printed cards! after i was spent, i got up, went back to the printers and made myself one of the most elegant wedding cards you'll ever see. but for that to happen, the dam had to burst.

i like to cook when i am upset or pissed off. it takes my mind off everything else that is driving me nuts. there is something about chopping, stirring and creating a dish that tastes damn good that is like therapy for me. i sometimes feel like my mind can't shut off. like i am standing at times square, drunk, doped and all i can see is psychedelic lights whizzing past. cooking to the rescue even here! a few hours later, i can take on the world! it feels like i am recharged!  is this weird? anyone else react like this?