Smile on....

I went to the nursery yesterday in bangalore to pick up some herbs. the nursery is tended to by physically and mentally challenged people. the proceeds go towards their support. they have a program where a donor can provide for 3 meals a day for 15 days for all the people in this home. I made a donation in the name of N my baby cousin N who would have been 27 today. It is still very painful to think of her in the past tense. its been 8 years since she passed away in a road accident. 

I've not wanted to acknowledge all these years how much this has affected me. her death was like a domino effect with 2 others in 5 months to follow. but i want to remember her life. the 18 years she spent with us that should bring us joy in our remembrances and not sorrow. The three losses, i feel like i have blocked out purposely because recalling them all is so painful, but i want to get over that finally. i dont want her memories to be a burden. purely because she was such a joy.sure in her teenaged years i couldnt stand her attitude....but all that was still on the surface.... underneath was just the pure bond that siblings have. 

I realised i was trying to block it all out because i only recall the blankness of shock and pain and the desperation to do something to undo what had just happened is the first memory i have when i think of N. i want that to change. I had the misfortune of being the one to convey the message to her parents. I wanted to shake her back to life.......so i decided to do something positive rather than just mope around when i think of her, hence the donation. i hardly go to the graveyard. not even to peddi's. it completely spooks me out. so i will remember you and your life....not your death...because none of us have been able to escape it. 

Darling girl, i see so much of your spunk in Rachel....we miss you so much. Especially your daddy and mummy who you have left with such a broken heart that even their grandson R cant heal it. Cant help but think what you would have done...you would have been working for sure by now in an advt agency, raising hell and lashing everyone with your sharp tongue. Or maybe you’d have met your match and would have mellowed down.... you would have been married possibly, or atleast seeing someone special... you would still have had those ugly long nails and that beautiful wavy hair.... hopefully you would have lost weight and taken full advantage of that fabulous height you had.....you were a riot...still would have been.... instead you had to leave us panting for more...left us all craving to hear your shrill laughter again....just disappeared from our lives with no thought for how we’d cope....love you dear girl.... i try not to think of you because i feel so heartbroken. I think i selfishly hang on to your memories and love you more than i did when you were around.... you’ve taught us to value everything that is in our life for now...for the moment.... we cant thank you enough for being in our lives, and allowing us to live with your memory....we’d have rather had more of you...but for whatever we had, we’re grateful....

Soup ki Rani, Calories ka Raja

That would be the title of the movie made on the current life we live. For those of you who know us for real. K had undertaken an incredible journey of weightloss some 100 days ago and what he has achieved has been phenomenal. With determination and discipline, he's reached his goal. 

he's eaten smart. exercised hard and gotten where he wanted to. the badminton 6 times a week continues as does the gym even tho he's reached his weight goals. what has aided is the way we've been eating!  I have learnt as much as i can about planning dinner to provide enough nutrition without being heavy on carbohydrates. 

salads have made a huge comeback into our lives. With salad adding bulk and fiber to even packed lunches that he now carries to office. i too have been compelled to eat smarter and have lost a few kilos in the bargain. i have another 8 weeks to reach my ideal weight and i think with this discipline i should be on track. K kicking me out of the house and the reminding me of the money we paid for the gym membership is definitely helping me get off my behind and onto the cross trainer.

just changing our dinner pattern has made such a huge difference to the whole weight loss initiative. about 1/3 of our intake is now from fresh fruit which is a good thing anyways. there's a blanket ban on calorie heavy food after 7.30 p.m and so i have literally morphed into a treasure trove of assorted soups. clear thai soup one day, lemon and coriander the other and even pumpkin and sweet potato.

so yeah, if i needed a movie title for our current life, it would have have to be called "Soup ki Rani, Calories ka Raja"

all about tears

roller coaster feelings are nothing new to me.... i don't know if i have said this earlier, but despite what it may look like, i cry quite easily. often for no reason, sometimes for nothing. i dont know what it is about tears that well up in my eyes, it looks like they are omnipresent. anything can turn me teary...

like seeing this baby in this makeshift cradle on a construction site. for days after i saw this, i couldn't focus on anything except how sweetly he smiled at me all the while i stood there, stunned. for many days i couldnt get that image out of my mind, i  went to bed teary but thankful for all the blessings I've had.

there are those moments, when everything just stands still and i am in tears....i cant say why or how...like this weekend which after a long time, was a quiet weekend for us. We were by ourselves and watched movies from the afternoon till into the early morning. just sitting there with K, running my hand through his hair and him turning around to look at me reduced me to tears. i was spaced out and in a rotten mood just a few hours ago. blame it on  the lack of sleep induced crankiness. he gives me the benefit of doubt i am at times unwilling to give him. i really lucked out with this man, i swear! one moment, we were dipping biscuits into chai and talking...the other moment a bewildered man looked at his wife who was sobbing! All because i was thankful to be with him.

earlier i wouldn't accept that i cried so much. something i naively thought would help preserve my tough girl image. i only cry in private, behind a closed door, preferably the bathroom. if i feel teary i rush to the nearest washroom! but now i have no qualms in accepting that i cry. my eyes and nose resembles rudolph the red nosed reindeer. and i look worse than i usually do... but in my heart and soul i feel like a weight of a few tonnes has lifted and i feel so relieved.

have you felt like that? so tensed about a situation at work or home that you feel you will burst into a million pieces? i remember a few weeks before our wedding, the wedding cards didnt come out right. i bawled and bawled.... in the washroom of the office. my friend thought the wedding was called off! and when i said it was the cards, she was so relieved. she says she wanted to hit me cause i made it look so terrible, when all i was crying over were some badly printed cards! after i was spent, i got up, went back to the printers and made myself one of the most elegant wedding cards you'll ever see. but for that to happen, the dam had to burst.

i like to cook when i am upset or pissed off. it takes my mind off everything else that is driving me nuts. there is something about chopping, stirring and creating a dish that tastes damn good that is like therapy for me. i sometimes feel like my mind can't shut off. like i am standing at times square, drunk, doped and all i can see is psychedelic lights whizzing past. cooking to the rescue even here! a few hours later, i can take on the world! it feels like i am recharged!  is this weird? anyone else react like this?

here, there and all that

moody, crabby and eternally wanting to sleep is currently how i feel. Its been a week since appa went back to ahmd. the week he was here was furious house hunting and while i enjoyed it, i realised how blessed K and I were to find and fall in love with this house the minute we saw it. Did i tell you that this was the first and only house we saw? I walked in, said yeah nice ventilation... spacious...and oooooo i love the french style doors.... so great for parties.... lets buy it! that was it! 6 years later, i still love my house....while i will always crave for a space that has a yard so i can do some more gardening and have a dog, i will always love this house. It was completely built and was the last apt available... so i didnt have to visualise what it would look like when it was still cement and bricks! all that househunting made me look back at pics of when we'd just moved in... my god! the amount of stuff i have accumulated! no major furniture...the same stuff gets tossed about and rearranged.... but knick knacks galore... and i still am not done! the house is always a work in progress....

a few things that happened when appa was here

• i know exactly how K will be at 68. you can't escape your genes...(i mean this in a good way...hell i am turning into my mom anyways)
• he's just as lost without me as his father is minus his mom!
• i love listening to appa, getting to know of his childhood and his life... somewhere i feel like i am making up for missed time.... i miss my dad the most when i am around my fil
• he (fil) loves to tell stories! whatever made me think he was a man of few words!
• i got over my fear of cooking for him. when you figure out he is anyways at your mercy, it helps!
• i ate a lot! having another person sit across you at the table at lunchtime is different from eating in front of the laptop!
• We (appa and I) made kozhukattai's for ganesh chathurthi. they turned out great, but i didnt take pics cos they were not photogenic!

I also cribbed less and tried to be more patient with myself and K. I am trying to think of the bigger picture at all times and it has helped me with my temper. B and J had their housewarming on the 10th. Everything thankfully went off well cos I was so paranoid about the food... neednt have worried, it was fab. Now need to see how the rest of the house and the woodwork turns out. So far everything looks good.

I've realised its been more than a year that K and I have gone on a realtime holiday. Trips to and with family dont count! i need to head out...somewhere...anywhere will do! but i need to go! 

have decided to make some sweeping changes to my balcony gardens so that i can accommodate some homegrown veggies too. before the weather gets colder.... i know i am late, but what the hell!

fabulous progress

am happy to report, that K has gone and outdone himself and silenced me about any doubts i had about him and focus. when we went to the gym after a month last week, the trainers all lined up and one even asked if he'd had liposuction! ofcourse i felt like cracking (the trainer's) skull, after all the hard work and sweat he'd shed, but it was also a victory for K. I remember when he first joined, they crowded around him to give him gyan.... first he shocked them with his stamina and then with his weight loss... it was like a kick in the teeth... me? well lets just say i went back to the start point! but the main thing is what he's been able to achieve! love you k man.. you showed me that i was so wrong...and i now know that if you make up your mind about anything, no matter what, you will achieve it.