i can still hear your voice.... i swear....the shrill "hello" that announced you into a room....i expect you to turn around a corner or rush in from outside, unable to contain yourself or the stories that were almost bursting out of you.....full of tales from the day, about people and places.....even though we'd seen each other a few hours ago, you'd behave like you hadnt seen us for ages.....
from the first time you made an appearance.... to now..... you made sure you left your mark....
you'd never tire of the stories of "when you were small"..... how you pooped chocolate coloured poop when you were carried for the first time....and you were the first official baby to pee on my lap...i was so disgusted....everything you learnt to say...from lala (water) to cala cala annam (lemon rice) was like playing dumb charades.....i still remember how irritated we'd get to take a 'kid' around when we went out....because you were a pain in the behind...and wanted to go to the bathroom at all the wrong times.....how you'd be upset because people were calling you the name of a facecream instead of the shortedned version of your own.....we hated our parents for forcing us to take you around....the three of us, we ganged up....to fight you and to love you....
you were pampered and spoilt...there's no doubt of that.... all you had to do was crook your little finger and all the adults of the house would do your bidding.....
from the kid who followed us around all day, suddenly, you were all grown up.... i remember seeing you with your hair all styled, you'd even begun going to the parlour for your monthly grooming.... too bad we were never the same size....i'dbe left with no clothes on my back....you were delighted when you grew taller.... and i was so upset for so long!! borrowed nailpolish, make up, books.... did i tell you i got hooked onto FRIENDS after you told me it was good....all the while you watched it, i thought it was crazy teen hormones.....
making christmas decorations, having a not so subtle "whose is better"wars, carol singing... and a near obsession for late night ice cream....riding triples to famous on the kinetic honda.....agonising over what clothes to wear for the next wedding....writing long letters to me when i was in hostel...the trip to vizag where you for the first time had an unsupervised by parents holiday with me.....
you were ready for college....you were ready to spread your wings...and by the look of it you were leaving your indelible mark there too.... the never ending stream of friends, the movies, plans and fun.... with the steady stream of girl friends who wanted to be like you, and the young men admirers who wanted to be with you....vyeing for your attention....and yet there you were...holding court....lording it over them....i always called you stubborn...but we knew you knew your mind clearly enough to get what you wanted and nothing else.........somewhere it was a reflection of my own life....just a few years earlier.....
and then it was over....you sure knew how to jump onto the scene, take our breath away, and then disappear.....we ganged up again...this time holding hands to bid you goodbye....becuase we couldnt even stand up straight on our own.....willing somehow for the whole thing to change, for the clock to turn back, and for you to wake up..... over and over again i looked at you, convinced that i had seen you move.....it was unbelievable.....
each day we wonder, what it would be like with you....what would you have to say.... how would you react....for sure you'd have enjoyed the sights and sounds of this new india, the malls would be your mecca followed closely by all the eating options around....you'd have been most delighted that i now make chocolate for a living.... but you, my most ardent fan and critic arent there to sample it.....to make christmas cards with me....to sit in a corner and say unsavoury things about our relatives....to make movie plans....to go shopping with me....to tell me if you approved of K or not...to see us set up our homes.....to do..."stuff" as you called it
we too looked so forward to seeing you blossom into a woman....to make the choices you wanted.....to be someone....to go somewhere.....to do all the things that you were accomplished to do....
and yet you arent here....not around....what is here instead, is the huge hole you left....in our hearts and lives....so bad, that we cant even bear to talk about it....five long years you have been gone..... yet, its like just yesterday.... and i think you will come around the corner....yelling shrilly "hello"
RIP dear N
1 comment:
That sounds so heartfelt, I actually have tears. I hope you are okay, dear girl.
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