Day 1 ~ A person I'm glad to have in my life

 I don't know how long this will last. 

I realised I haven't written here for 3 years and I am using a pinterest prompt to do this 30 day gratitude writing exercise. 

Not one person but all the people I have gratitude for 

K - the man who has loved me from age 17 to now at 44 and both of us have undergone so much change as people and partners. The man who is as real as it gets and tells me the things I don't want to hear, but he will find the kindest way to say it. Who is vulnerable but always been strong for me and fights clean and fair. I have learnt courage and responsibility from him and have marvelled at his perseverance and discipline when he wants to be and his work ethic

Amma - the one who continues to keep her soul blemishless and kind. Who is able to be strong and naive, wise and irritatingly stupid at the same time. To be able to handle life in all its forms with so much grace is something she leaves to me as a legacy

MIL - what to say about this woman who has taught me patience? She goes about her day with so much grace and patience that it wears me out sometimes just to look at her. The way she is handling Appa's health and caring for him makes me grateful for her and also sad that she doesn't look after herself

Sage - My life giving child, who loves me more than any human can and has told me that no matter what, life is to be lived one day at a time

N - who found love this year and has always been someone I can talk to and even if we dont agree with each other, we can still be friends

Just can't wrap my head around this

I've had two pieces of such tragic news delivered to me this week that I haven't been able to wrap my head around any of it.

Early last saturday morning, I saw a text from a student who'd signed up for my weekends only classes. She texted to apologise she won't be able to make it for class as late the previous night, her husband met with an accident and died.

As I read the first few words, I assumed this was another one of those 'i'm sorry I cant come today due to XYZ reasons' that I usually get from students occasionally to plead off from a session.

I read and re read the message. N was a lady in her late forties, early fifties, one daughter who had just been sent to england to study and N had taken my class to pass her time productively after suddenly finding herself with an empty nest. She immediately petted and cooed to Sage, and told me about her St. Bernard rescued dog Alex. I never met her husband, but the tragedy was so uncomfortably personal that I couldn't shake it off.

Yesterday, a friend who had ordered apple pies from me, which I had not yet delivered because I was very busy and I am notoriously late for stuff like this texted to say, no need for apple pies.

I replied with my usual apology and said tomorrow pucca. She said no, the kid died, and the mother also. I responded with complete disbelief, thinking this was my friend being sarcastic.

Apparently the lady lost her husband in june and ever since was depressed, she made her 7 year old kid inhale nitrogen gas and later she too inhaled it and committed suicide. I made the pie crust on thursday and stuck it in the fridge to finish up on friday by which time she was dead. I cannot even begin to process this.

A person feeling so desperately alone and killing her child and herself in this bizzare manner! It is just so heartbreaking!

Mindless tv

I have spent all my non working days in the last few weeks watching TV sacked out on the bean bag in a dark room.

I love it and I get annoyed when I am interrupted by both man and beast. Sage doesn't like being confined to the room a lot and resists by panting in my face a couple of times, until he realises I am not going to heed and settles down to sleep for a few hours.

The amount of sub standard crap is boggling and my appetite for it is shocking too.

Yesterday I watched a made for internet movie with some of the finest actors from hindi movies and theater and it was utter tripe! It brought to mind an interview of Nawazuddin Siddiqui where he said so much trip was being made in the name of realistic parallel cinema. 

So far, so good

I realised it is the first of september already today and it has filled me with a sense of insipidness. I have been in a state of limbo for a while now.  A lot of it related to work and personal stuff thats happening. I suddenly find myself being anxious about a lot of things I didnt care about earlier. I would brush things off and believe when the time is right, I would be able to deal with it and or fix it and I find myself no longer able to do that.

Starting with Sage, he turned 7 in june and it set me off in ways I am worried about. A brief and intense spate of seizures left me with a patch of acne on my face that hasnt yet subsided. I broke out with the stress of managing him and preventing a spiral cluster. Since then, he hasnt been himself. Refusing his walks, quieter than usual and disinterested in most things he liked  except food. I am unable to read the patterns and therefore unable to have a plan. Most of my responses are reactive and I dont like that about the situation. I like to be prepared, but in this case I am forced to go with the uncertain flow. My movements are further restricted and it has led to me feeling a little suffocated and guilty in equal measures.

Workwise, things have quietened down and this has led to some more anxiety. It spirals into feelings of loneliness, anxiety about what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing enough and while I was able to internalise all of it for the longest time, I now am feeling overwhelmed at regular intervals.

I have not met any of my health goals this year, my skin looks worse than ever, my nails and hair are dry and brittle and I feel I have taken my body for granted so much. I have been unable to stick to even the yoga class which was right next door that i felt I wouldnt be able to skip. But since amma left back to bangalore early last month, something or the other has happened and I havent gone since the last two weeks. Fortunately, food wise I am on track. With K on his fitness mission and eating a specific diet, we are eating almost exclusively at home and eating well.

Jan 13 - a place recently visited

The last place I've visited before coming here to karwar was Mangalore. We stayed at a resort a little outside of the city but we went into the city a few times to explore and visit some tourist spots and eat.

Beautiful tile roof homes, with flourishing backyard gardens. Almost every home has coconut, banana, drumsticks and lemon trees. Not uncommon to spot a couple of chickens and cows. A lot of the homes have an outdoor stove possibly to heat water. Going by the number of cars parked in every home, beautiful elaborate homes and the vibrant market and stores, Mangalore is a rich city.

It's a well equipped town, almost every big retail brand has a presence. Large old educational institutions with massive Infrastructure dot the city. Lots and lots of children and young adults playing in huge playgrounds. I loved the terrain of the city, slightly hilly because of the ghats so it's nice to go up and then come down on city roads Reminded me so much of vizag.

The food is fantastic anywhere you eat. But I found the famous ice creams a bit hyped up.

Jan 12 - a need you can meet

Having about 600 rupees between us and eternity (both of us had exhausted/ lost our savings) was a wake up call that shaped my last five years. The money was lost due to unforgiving circumstances and not carelessness.

From that day to today when in it's current need and shape I can comfortably take care of our family, it has been a journey that has been long, disciplined and rewarding in equal measures. It has made me ask myself to be more ambitious and less frivolous and I have obeyed.

I'm very proud of this.

Jan 11 - a challenge overcome

It's still a work in progress but Im constantly trying not to second guess every decision. I've been someone who has always indulged in PPD, it has exhausted me and made me regret the wasteful time spent in this.

To a large extent I'm in a place mentally and emotionally where I trust my instinct and back it with information and preparation more than second guessing and nervously reacting to every situation. It has made a huge change in how I function.

Jan 10 - one thing i learnt about myself in 2017

I've learnt that I can be disciplined. I used to be flippant. But I've learnt that given a goal I'm invested in I can get very disciplined and that has been a very pleasantly surprising thing I've learnt about myself. Building a financial kitty, running a business and taking on more familial responsibility as our parents age has been possible only because I've become more disciplined about what expectations I set for myself and what I want.

I never thought I'd enjoy this. And my 20 year old self would either be very impressed or find me very boring 

Jan 9 - do actions match words

Not all of the time. Not to sound like a hypocrite but there are times when a little diplomacy goes a long way. Age and experience has taught me to soften my approach and find a softer way of saying things. Trust me. I get a lot more done now with this attitude. I pick my battles and make sure they're important enough to fight. Everything else can be ignored.

A look back at 2017

January began well. We partied on new year's eve and I passed out on the lawn, woke up and went into the house, got into bed, woke up at 6 A.M and went about the day as though nothing had happened. Kind of like the way the entire year was.

The farm did spectacularly well. We grew carrots amongst so many other vegetables. We literally bought only onions for most of the year. We also grew our own tuvar and channa dals and I cannot even begin to express how good that feels.

Work wise, almost nothing made sense. I felt lonely and unable to put everything together. I felt the acute lack of workplace friends. People you can discuss work with because there is a common factor of the company you work for or the actual work that you do. I also felt extreme fatigue for work and didn't do classes with the pace that I usually have. I hoped that this spell would end and the only way for me to make something end is to work through it, plough through it and that's what I did.

In february, Sage had a pre seizure period that lasted a few weeks. It depleted me both mentally and physically. This dog has taught me many lessons and I love him with my life. Some of those lessons have been very exhausting and there were days when I don't know what else to do.

Amma was here in March and most of my day revolved around her. We also found that her long term eye doctor was relocating and that sent us into a mini panic attack, but she was comforted greatly by the new doctor and that was a huge relief considering how complicated her case is. March was also the time when for the first time I had baked goodies photographed professionally by a friend and professional photographer M. The results were stunning. Aunty E turned 97 and my uncle and aunt joined us in Hyderabad to surprise her.

April rolled in and the heat was terrible. I was cranky as per usual summer behavior. K and I went to Bombay for a night. We were celebrating the birthday of a friend and for the first time in 5 years, we took a flight together. Since Sage has come into our lives, we don't take any breaks or holidays by air, we drive everywhere. And K and I have not left him with anyone since he turned epileptic even for a day. So this was epic. I came home with a renewed dislike for the city that always stinks!

Amma had a fall in Chennai at home and had to have stitches put to her forehead. It was horrendous to even think about it, fortunately she had family in the same room and they rushed her to the hospital. In true spirit she bounced right back and recovered.

May was hot and happening. My friend N was here, we partied like middle aged women, with lunch and an afternoon drink post a spa date. My namesake friend was her with her adorable children and we caught up for a very short while. My summer workshops for kids were in full swing and there were boxes and boxes of perfectly sweet organic mangoes to be devoured.

May also brought amma back with my niece and nephew for two weeks. My brother and his family needed to relocate to Bombay and he wanted them to be with me so that they could pack up and organise the logistics of  transporting their household stuff. They made a stop at Hyderabad enroute Bombay with our 15 year old Cindy in tow. I was a little nervous, but the dogs got along well and each time sage got too close she snapped at him and firmly put him in his place.

June finally brought in the much needed rains. Little did we know that they would not stop till the end of september!

I turned 40 in july! there was no lightening or earth shattering but I was happy and having a great hair day on my birthday. The month was a sad one. 4 of my dog boys on the street died. I had to put down one of my favourite fellows ~ Joy. A friend of ours passed away and ironically he was an insurance agent and didnt take out insurance for himself. I was happy to end the month actually.

August began quite well. I attended an unintentionally good cake decorating class with a baker friend. We learnt indelibly how not to conduct a session. It was a lot of money wasted. And a shit storm followed because my baker friend wrote a do's and dont's piece and posted it on fb and people easily put two and two together. Its staggering to what extent some folks will stoop to harass another even when the perpetrator is clearly at fault. In august we also took a three night trip to jaipur with a group of people I have never travelled with before and I have mixed feelings about the trip. The only bright spot was that we left Sage at home with our close friend J taking care of him and he was fine. When we got back he refused to acknowledge me for half an hour, then came and cuddled into my lap. The biggest change of the month was Amma and Appa moving into an apartment on the same floor as us. It happened after a lot of back and forth and I am so glad they are finally here.

September saw me take a three day trip to Bombay at the end of the month, otherwise the month was pretty nondescript. Amma has shrunk considerably and become a shadow of herself. The move to  Bombay came with a huge upheaval and Amma and my brother were left battling the storm and anchoring the boat. When it happened, we didn't realise it, but it has taken its toll on her quite strongly. I felt guilty that I had not done enough and seeing her made me even more guilty. She turned 79 and I have never been so grateful for her life and example.

October was spent being busy with classes and having no time to think of anything else. We were enjoying the presence of K's family. Our routine now is to go there for morning coffee, I have stopped turning on the coffee filter since they moved. I pop in for atleast a couple of hours a day and both K and I spend a considerable amount of time there. It is lovely and reassuring to have them around. Sage is so confused and excited at the same time, running between the two homes. End of the month he had a bad epileptic attack and I simply shrank from the reality of it all. He recovered quickly, I cannot say the same about myself. Sometimes I wonder how this is all going to end, I dont like what I see. Amma and Rachel were here for the Diwali break and I had to skip my friend M's wedding in bangalore because I couldn't leave sage and travel even for a day. As I agonised over the decision, my 10 year old niece comforted me with "she's your friend, she will understand" and she did. M told me she understands and that nothing was more important than his health and I should take no guilt on this whole thing

I have only one significant memory for November, we celebrated our 14th anniversary with an epic dinner for two at Fisherman's wharf.

December saw some press coverage for me in The Hindu and I was beyond awkward at the photoshoot, but humbled at the response to the article. Calls and texts poured in from friends, family and students for weeks after. I had a busy month, but it was fun. I had a Christmas tea party at the studio for friends and had such fun putting it together. 23rd was K's 40th and we had a pretty good party for him at home. I was left with no energy to do anything for Christmas. We did have the tree and the cake didnt turn out great, but it was a nice quiet time with family, white wine and a spectacular Vegetable dum biryani that I made.

As the year came to a close, I remarked that it was a pretty good year for me and the Hyderabad part of the family. Not so good for Amma and my brother. The bad health, the move, the upheaval and finally settling in has left her depleted. I hope I will be able to spend a lot more time with her in 2018. the move that K's family has made was for the better. It has worked out beautifully and has added value to each member of the family.

I look back at the year in gratitude for all it has given me individually and us as a family. I have nothing but thanks.

Jan 5 ~ A time I dont want to forget

I never want to forget 2013. The year brought with it so much strife. I dont want to forget how it made me rely only on myself, my instinct and my resolve. I do not know from where I had the strength and courage to not lose my mind as I took on each day. It changed me as a person. For the better. But I craved for simpler times.

Never forget

Jan 4 ~ I am looking forward to

This month is all about the trip. I have a session on saturday at the studio and I cannot wait to be done and head out. I just cannot keep calm. I have a few things planned at each of the four locations we will be in and even if I don't do everything, I am just too excited to be taking a proper vacation after 2 years. The last one was to wayanad in Nov. 2015.

I want to eat and sleep, take long walks, explore the towns we will be at and just enjoy this long pending and much deserved holiday!

Jan 3 ~ Describe your day in ten words

watched over sage like a hawk, severe skin infection, possibly preictal

Jan 2 ~ Three Goals for the month

1. Travel ~ we planned a huge trip, long pending one and kind of like a bucket list thing. We leave hyderabad on 7th morning. Cannot wait.

2. Skin care ~ day and night routine. I have buggered my skin so badly, have battled adult acne for the last year and now have finally given up and am trying to have a more hygienic (wash face before bedtime) and moisturise routine.

3. Daily activity ~ Even tho I am going to be on holiday I need to keep up the walking and exercise routine. 

Clean slate

What are you most looking forward to?

I'm starting a 30 day journaling project. I hope to write based on the prompts of the day. This is the only way I think I'll get back to putting words out. And seeing and reflecting upon them once done.

I've always loved that about looking back. Which is one of the reasons I began to keep a Diary at age 11. I still have some of those that I wrote in my late teens and early twenties.

This month we are taking a long awaited vacation. Me, k and sage. We will drive along one of the coasts of India and stop at a few places for a few days each. I'm looking forward the most to this. Our last vacation was in oct 2015. For a couple that travelled at least 3 times a year, they're becoming rarer and fewer and after a lot of should we should we not, a few false starts and a few plans being abandoned, we're finally less than a week away.

This is also the first long trip with our new car and I'm excited for the comfort it's going to give us.

For the year ahead I have no extra thoughts and definitely no resolutions. I have stated taking care of my skin. I won't say better, because I buggered it over the past year and didn't wait for the dawn of a new year to begin better care. I definitely want to go back to our eating schedule once vacation is over. Own fewer things, purge physical and mental stuff and do a deep clean of the house once a month.

Work wise I want to do more classes, introduce an after school program for kids and grow my Instagram for the studio. Contemplating some other stuff but it's just fluff for now.

2017 was one of the nicest years for me personally. I want to write about it soon, once I'm able to gather my thoughts.

I'm excited for 2018.

I'm ready.

Bombay and all the things that it brings

My brother and family moved to Bombay at the end of the summer. After 5 years in Chennai, an opportunity brought him at a cross road and I'm surprised he chose to move to Bombay. Don't get me wrong, k's entire family on both sides are bombayites, I've not heard one sentence spoken about that city without fond nostalgia from them, K was born and spent his early childhood there. But I can't get myself to imagine life in that city.

It's unliveable. Crowded beyond imagination, lacking in basic Civic amenities but what it makes up for is the spirit of it's people and the availability of almost anything.

My brother has taken to the city like a fish to water. His family, the kids especially found Chennai stifling because of the constant chatter that happened around not being Tamil. My ten year old niece in particular had the most trying time making friends. She was glad to leave.

The crowds just unnerve me. It's like no one can find a quiet moment in Bombay. The conveniences tho will stun you. Everything is available at arms length, each area is pretty self sufficient and people are nicer because everyone there is like you a migrant.

I visited bombay atleast 10 times in the past and again in September for Amma's Birthday and saw first hand how much happier this city made my family. It was humbling. For a pucca Hyderabadi used to a slower pace of life and being very laid back, I'm shocked at how my brother has adapted to the new city. It's one thing to meld when you're young, ambitious and energetic. It's another thing to move when you're 40 and with two kids in tow.

I told him I'm very happy to come visit, to see the sights and sounds and eat and shop, but I can't get myself to live there. Sorry but that's just how it is and not that anyone's going to miss me!

Breakfast Stories

We were on holiday recently and travelled for the first time with two other couples k works with. We have in the past enjoyed travelling with friends multiple times, but this was the first with these folks.

These are people I know. Folks I meet and have eaten with, multiple times, over the last 6 years. We have visited each other's homes and socialized to celebrate occasions and sometimes just like that. Yet I didn't know what to expect from the trip. It's one thing to meet people for a few hours every few months. It's a completely different thing to stay with them and be with them over the course of a few days.

While I mostly enjoyed their company, the majestic palace hotel we stayed at and the general chatter, I loathed meal times. Suddenly the dining table became a no holds barred advice giving forum. Advice on what to eat and how and why and when by the two ladies who are extremely health and diet conscious (read stick thin). Each time someone reached for a waffle or ordered Puri bhaji, there was a five minute discourse about how unfit the rest were and what wrong food choices we were making.

I'm a fairly rational person. I understand when people  dish out well meaning advice  But there is a limit to the mumbo-jumbo I could listen to from ill informed people bent on making my long pending three day holiday into a 'correct your eating habits' workshop.

So I did the next best thing, thanks to early rising with Sage that's become a habit, I quickly began going very early and ahead of everyone to have my coffee and breakfast in peace. We are talking waking around 5:45, walking an hour and heading to breakfast by 7 a.m when only the staff is around and they're still setting up for service. I can manage every other meal in chaos and tune out the noise, but I need my coffee and breakfast in absolute peace, preferably eaten in silence.

                                                       

This arrangement worked to prep me for the rest of the day shared with other adults and a few kids and gave me enough time in the company I enjoy the most - mine. 

Explaining tragedy to a very protected teen

I have two nieces. One is 17. K's sister's daughter. And one is 10, my brother's daughter. I love them both unequally. Because my brother's daughter was born before my eyes and I looked after her as a new born. I have a special bond with her.

With my 17 year old niece, I try to be her friend. Hand hold her through this difficult transition from childhood to adulthood. She's the child of a single parent and carries the heavy baggage that comes with it.

One of the most docile and innocent 17 year old kids you'll ever meet.

Four days ago, a classmate of hers went missing. A girl who sat with P during accounts class. A girl she went out to eat pani Puri with. They used to go by the same bus and were living in the same colony. The girl was called 'modern, fast and with it' she had an ex boyfriend and wanted to be a model. Day one everyone assumed she'd eloped. There was comments galore and insensitive talk. To her credit P told us that she didn't see anything so she didn't say a word. She didn't indulge in the loose talk.

Day 2 a missing persons report was filed and a massive hunt was on. P was distraught terrified something bad has happened. She couldn't focus on anything and couldn't sleep.

Day 3 the kids were scared shitless that the cops would come to them for questioning. P was terrified what would happen but k sat her down and had a long talk with her. Reassuring at the same time telling her that life would throw up many more of these instances and she needs to harden up.

Day 4 the worst had happened. The girl that was missing was found dead. This is a 17 year old girl, a girl that studied with my niece. P cried and couldn't believe what had happened. There was speculation of sexual assault and the probable scenes replayed again and again through her head. She wanted to keep talking about it and we spoke to her with as much patience as we could. Helping her process this was important. It also told me that while she has been exposed to a lot of things, at her core she remains a girl with a sensible head on her shoulders, who evaluates risks and threats and tries her best to manouvre her path.

Day 5. The school declared a holiday and to take her mins off this I took her to class with me. I put her with a partner who was quiet and gentle and she did well. We came home after class to the news that an arrest has been made. The culprit, an old classmate and a boy the victim was in love with had strangled and killed her to get her off his back. P has met this boy. He's some sort of a hero and legend In their school. She couldn't believe it was him who did this. She kept asking me how a friend could do this. I had no answers.

This is a 17 year old. Who murdered a girl he was no longer interested in romantically. Who teaches them this stuff. Who makes them think they'll get away with this or that it's ok to kill someone you don't like anymore?

My in-laws moved to an apartment on our floor two weeks ago. I have a feeling this situation would have inflicted even more trauma on us if we were not together. I have never been more thankful to be around her than now. I am trying to sleep but cannot.

How do I want to remember July?

I started to write this two weeks ago.......

Its already the second week of august and this year is flying at a speed I cannot keep up with.

Mostly the only bright spot about July was my birthday, which I got to spend with my friends that are my family, eat a lot of food and drink till my liver protested.

The work month was not as impressive as I wanted it to be, but it was not bad either so I will settle mid way.

Sage had a couple of seizures during the month and that threw me off quite badly. He is being brave and tries not to be a pain any other way, tries and recovers as soon as possible, but throw off it does.

There are a bunch of dogs in our colony, they wander around, mostly one family of a pair, their 5 offspring and 4 drifters, single dogs that sort of live on the fringes of the pack. They are welcomed when convenient and the first to be targeted when one from the family is having a bad day. All of them have names they respond to and are generally friendly. There was this spritely pup, black with some white on all four of his legs. I christened him boots. He was adorable, came on command, played like a pesty younger sibling with sage and was precocious. Suddenly he disappeared and I was told three others taken with him by the municipality. I called the dog pound and checked and fought till they were located and dumped back in our colony 5 days later. A week after they came back I noticed some of the dogs weren't around and the local auto drivers told me that two dogs had died over the last few days and the municipality had taken them away.

Boots was never the same. He was quieter, rapidly losing weight and didn't want to come and play. I dont feed the dogs, just watch over them and manage them when they are sick and need a vet. I checked and put him on saline for 2 days, he seemed to recover, and then suddenly one morning on my walk, I was told by the nearby tea vendor that he looks very very ill. I rushed to find him, almost cold, laboured breathing and smelling bad. I picked him up and wrapped him in a thick towel, brought him home and called the vet who asked me to come at 10 as he was in surgery. It was 8 am. I tried to give him body warmth and glucose and will him to be better. He pushed his head up and acknowledged me, but his frail body couldn't take it anymore and after an hour, as I had him on my lap, Boots just died. As the tears flowed down my cheeks, I said I was sorry for not doing enough and letting him down. I put him in a box and got him buried.

I couldnt get over what had happened and I clung to Sage that day.

A day later I began to notice that Joy, a pup from the previous litter, a white speckled fellow with a brown head, he was always so happy and would run to me and hit me with all his body weight, was losing weight rapidly. I took him to the vet who suspected it was distemper and said most unvaccinated dogs get it if in contact with an infected dog. Boots and Joy most likely were exposed to an infected dog when they were taken to the pound. Joy was on saline and anti biotics to help him and I was feeding him thrice a day for strength. 4 days of this and he greeted me feebly and I picked him up, he was a tall hound like fellow, nuzzled him and told him I was so happy to see him recover. Just when I thought he was out of danger, he deteriorated and in 24 hours was skin and bone, with a severe chest infection and having mild seizures. I put him in the car and on the way to the vet he had a massive seizure. He came out of it in 2 minutes but was bewildered. When I showed him to the vet, he said there was no hope and that joy would die within 24 hours and was in great pain. I asked for him to be euthanised to give him some peace. I sat there with Joy on my lap as he passed into a deep sleep. We buried him on the ORR at a spot where his lifeless body would not be a risk for other strays.

I also had Popcorn with me in the car. A dog I rescued from a pack that was attacking him, but could not keep. One building in our colony agreed to allow him to sleep inside the gate and I feed him once a day. Popcorn also was picked up with joy and boots despite having a collar and I was worried sick he was infected too since he was losing weight and was so weak his feet were buckling the last few days. So had taken him with joy for a check up. The vet said we cannot be sure, but gave him saline and a few shots of antibiotics.

K told me that in all of this, I didn't once worry about exposing sage to the infection. I was terrified for both popcorn and sage. We procured the testing kits and fortunately both popcorn and sage tested negative. most dogs with distemper die out of secondary infections that make them so weak that they are too tired to look for food and in the end it is starvation. So popcorn is now on a 4 times a day feeding schedule. I give him pedigree, boiled eggs and milk with glucose added. Its been a week and he seems to be gaining strength and I am happy about it.

The end of july also brought the bad news of the passing of an old friend who used to help me and amma with our taxes. A nice simple unassuming guy, just died of a massive heart attack and that was such a shock to me.

The month wasn't the best in terms of personal stuff and I hope and pray that the worst is behind us. I want august to be better....

No two days are similar

This week has been checkered at best. The weekend began with bringing in my 40th birthday. As per usual, K and I didn't make any plans. He because he couldn't be bothered. Me because I was too proud to organise my own celebration. But B and J were here and we went out, I wore a new dress, we made merry and had a good time. Sunday was also a good day, more alcohol, food and some friends who came home to wish me. 

MIL's sister and her husband came to visit. He has alzheimers and is now unable to place most of his immediate family. He is aware of it, he has become a shadow of his earlier self, but is lucid and engaging. I took their grand daughter and my SIL's daughter to watch Spiderman the next day. It was to be a girls day out but one of my nieces had an upset tummy so it was just a movie date. I was bored out of my wits at the movie. I cannot think of a more insipid super hero movie in a while. 

Spent wednesday baking. And making about 120 theplas as requested by a friend who was travelling abroad. So the house and studio resembled a small scale spice and chutney powder factory that day. We baked some eggless jaggery banana loaves, cupcakes and lots of salt and pepper cookies. I feel humbled when they call back and praise the bakes to the skies. I need to stop dismissing praise. Learning to accept it gracefully will be a battle to fight in this new decade. 

Started my 8 day baking workshop on thursday. I have 4 people signed up for the whole course and through the week there will be folks who do single sessions. Starting the sessions on thursday is not by choice, I had to do it in order that the most popular ones which attract more single session participants comes on the weekend. I have an IITian whos quit his job because he loves to cook. One chubby boy turned fitness freak who weighs every morsel he eats. One set of identical twin ladies and my assistant is most intrigued about which one is older! 

Sage came to the studio on thursday and he slept through the whole session. Didn't show any signs of discomfort. But suddenly at 11.55 pm he had a massive seizure. this is the third in 4 weeks and I was at my wits end. Pouring rain, K not reachable and a completely disoriented Sage. I may have had a meltdown if I had an audience. I managed somehow but I swear I am really tired now. The mental stress of keeping all balls up in the air is telling on me and I am snappier than ever before. 

Yesterday K stayed home till I finished my session and went to work post lunch. I dont know what we will do today. Sage is not displaying any pre-ictal signs which is puzzling and each seizure in the last month has left me baffled because it seems to come out of nowhere. 

In the midst of all of this, I am thinking of starting a sourdough starter. Its popping up on every one of my social media and I am intrigued by it. I had a starter a few years ago which I killed off because I grew tired of feeding it. May be this weekend. Oh wait, today is already saturday!