is a question i am asking myself today. A life interconnected because of a common set of relatives in between...someone a few years older, lets call her R....who was a woman when i was still a girl...who had a boyfriend and a seemingly exciting life when i was still awkward....someone who i kept away from with polite hellos even tho i knew we shared negative vibes... for reasons i dont want to share here and now....
thanks to social networking sites, i got back in touch with R... . we began to chat online quiet frequently over the last 4-5 months. With the stability and security my own life gives me today, i realised that she was as clueless as i was about why we circled each other with mistrust. i was in a safe place, safe enough to lower my guard and strike up a friendship with her. secure enough to know that she was just another person and would in no way make me feel inferior. because in the past, both she and i were very wary of each other and insecure in the other's presence.
the tables had turned. my life was more interesting this time around. and she asked, questions with wonder and appreciation .... told me how much she envied what i was doing....and generally made me feel, she was just another girl being friends with me...and that we do appear contrary to what we actually are as a defense to protect ourselves.
we'd talked over the phone when it got too frenetic to type. we spoke at length about how and why i made the choices i did. i realise now that she hardly said anything about her own. except that she wanted to do something of interest. i told her about starting a home business and all the possibilities it opened up for her. she was excited and we made plans for her to visit me at the end of this month, stay with me and learn all she could about chocolate making. at the end of that conversation, we did say to each other, how refreshing it was to exchange the mistrust for this new found friendship.... and we laughed at the silliness of yesterday....
R took her life yesterday. i still cant believe it. i got a very emotional message from her a few days ago. i asked her why she sent it and she said she was glad we got this second chance and that she found me and friendshop with me.....i wonder what made her do this. was she so alone and helpless? so desperate that she didnt care about living anymore? what was it that made her do this? except tell me her routine, she never spoke about her life....
a life so worthless, that you wanted to discard it? so unhappy with something that you couldnt share it with anyone? i dont know what else to write.... i still have her messages in my phone....
RIP
thanks to social networking sites, i got back in touch with R... . we began to chat online quiet frequently over the last 4-5 months. With the stability and security my own life gives me today, i realised that she was as clueless as i was about why we circled each other with mistrust. i was in a safe place, safe enough to lower my guard and strike up a friendship with her. secure enough to know that she was just another person and would in no way make me feel inferior. because in the past, both she and i were very wary of each other and insecure in the other's presence.
the tables had turned. my life was more interesting this time around. and she asked, questions with wonder and appreciation .... told me how much she envied what i was doing....and generally made me feel, she was just another girl being friends with me...and that we do appear contrary to what we actually are as a defense to protect ourselves.
we'd talked over the phone when it got too frenetic to type. we spoke at length about how and why i made the choices i did. i realise now that she hardly said anything about her own. except that she wanted to do something of interest. i told her about starting a home business and all the possibilities it opened up for her. she was excited and we made plans for her to visit me at the end of this month, stay with me and learn all she could about chocolate making. at the end of that conversation, we did say to each other, how refreshing it was to exchange the mistrust for this new found friendship.... and we laughed at the silliness of yesterday....
R took her life yesterday. i still cant believe it. i got a very emotional message from her a few days ago. i asked her why she sent it and she said she was glad we got this second chance and that she found me and friendshop with me.....i wonder what made her do this. was she so alone and helpless? so desperate that she didnt care about living anymore? what was it that made her do this? except tell me her routine, she never spoke about her life....
a life so worthless, that you wanted to discard it? so unhappy with something that you couldnt share it with anyone? i dont know what else to write.... i still have her messages in my phone....
RIP
1 comment:
Gosh.. do we ever get to know a person well enough?? So sorry for your loss..
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