Christmas

it's almost Christmas, today is the 20th and I am sitting in my bed, aimlessly browsing and thinking I should at some point get up and set up the tree atleast.

Every year the urgency is lesser and lesser. I feel I should do it and yet am not motivated enough to actually get around.

Tomorrow a friend and her family visits us. I want to get going before that atleast.

I had plans of cake and stuff, will probably get going on that on 22nd. 23rd is K's birthday and as per the grinch, he didn't want to have anything so will comply with his wishes (so much the better for me!)

Amma and all are off to Bangkok for Christmas and I am so glad they are doing this instead of the usual christmas fare! She is maha excited and so are the kids. 

For Frankie and Maggie

Maggie and I met on our respective morning walks. She with her pint sized French bulldog Frank and I with Sage in tow, my giant drooling golden. The dogs inched forward, Frankie was about 1/5 of sage in size, I asked if he was friendly and she said yes, so we met mid way on the street. 

The dogs sniffed each other in every orifice, Frank promptly got onto Sage's back and tried to dry hump him, Sage just sat there with a bewildered expression on his face. 

Maggie was in India because her husband came here with a job, she taught yoga and is Polish. We both had our lives wound around our dogs, compared notes on how people thought we were crazy middle aged, childless women humanizing our dogs (which we were in a way), walk routes, vets, silly dog habits and everything else similar to what bus stop moms would talk about. 

Our routines changed, we saw less of each other, or more of each other on facebook. She swung by the studio a couple of times, with home brewed limoncello her dad made in Poland and we did shots, I was in the middle of a large baking order and was positively pissed drunk by the time I did the final coating! We had lunch together once when my mom came to stay. We always made plans to meet other than on our walks but most of the times it never worked out. 

We once rescued a dog hit by a car on the street and rushed it to hospital. We had different names for the same dogs we met on our walks. Some days we would stand chatting for an hour while Sage pulled at me to go back home for his feed and Frank would be restless to go home too. 

Today Frank died. He had a sudden bout of sickness three days ago, it was diagnosed as a possible severe ear infection or a stroke. He was given some medication and saline but was sent home. M was just getting home after a month of teaching yoga in Goa and came home to this. Yesterday he had partial paralysis and by this morning he was gone. 

The whole of last night, I was restless. I was in touch the minute I came to know he was unwell and M said they were doing all they could. I asked if I could be of help but didn't want to hover. Yesterday when she told me he had a stroke, my heart sank. I clutched Sage close and asked him to send positive vibes to his friend Frankie. Several times last evening I kept telling K that I was worried for Frank. This morning the minute my phone rang, my heart pounded. I knew it was over. 

M asked if Frankie could be buried in our farm and I said yes ofcourse. I got his grave dug in a corner of the plot between two trees. We made the long and sad journey to lay him to rest. 

When M and R took out his blanket to wrap him in it, Sage pounced on it and wouldnt let go, growling at all of us who were trying to retrieve it. We had to show him Frankie for him to let go of the blanket. 

We put Frankie to rest with his favourite toys and stick and blanket and bed. Kissed by him mum and dad and surrounded by a few of the people he loved. I cannot even begin to imagine what M and R are going through. 

The loss of a pet is devastating, especially when it is humanized into a child of sorts. All your parenting emotions are channeled into the pet. They become human, they talk to you, they understand you (or atleast that is what we imagine) and a world with just the two of you is built. But to have no way to process your grief via a funeral is particularly difficult. We buried all our dogs in our old house and I couldn't think of not having a resting place for them. my heart stop sometimes, when I think of a similar journey I will have to make one day. 

M said he would love it there, it is quiet and peaceful with lots of birds and trees and flowers. She said she was very grateful for what we had done by allowing her to bury Frank, but that is the least I could do. 

If I was in a situation like hers, I know I would have a friend who would do the same for me. I hope he rests in peace. 

Blanked out

While driving to the studio this morning, in heavy traffic, going at less than 10 kms per hour, I felt a surge of some kind of energy over me. We were stuck in traffic, I was waiting with my car in first gear, when I felt like a dark curtain fell across my eyes and lifted in a couple of seconds. By that time, I knew that I was going to bang the car in front of me. I desperately was trying to figure out the brake pedal but couldn't. My legs felt like lead. I was not panicking, but I felt a part of my brain had blanked out. 

I didn't have the presence of mind to put the hand brake, but took my right foot off the accelerator. That saved me and the car I eventually banged from a lot of damage, since I went slowly ahead and dented the bumper of the car. 

Ofcourse the driver got out and yelled at me and I lowered the window and apologised and he asked me to fork out 20 K standing there in the middle of the street. I perhaps made every other driver beside me shake his head thinking of every female driving stereotype they thought of at that moment. 

I offered to compensate the driver if he came to my office and spoke to me like a normal person and not a banshee yelling on the road. 

I managed to drive on to class, finished my session and still couldn't get over why that blanking out happened. 

I had not had breakfast, but I was not yet hungry, not the low blood sugar and hands shaking kind of situation that makes you blank out. I have not been stressed either to have that kind of a situation. I could have been tired, because I have been unable to get a full night's sleep. I have been feeling exhausted quite easily these days. B

I just thank my stars that I wasn't in any serious accident. I think I am going to walk to the studio and have the driver drive me around for a while till I feel more confident. 

Weirdly enjoying solitude

For the longest time I was that person who would go stay with a friend / family or have them come over if I was going to be alone for any amount of time. I would never be able to sleep alone, terrified of ghosts and ghouls and my own shadow. I blame it on not ever being alone or sleeping alone till I was 20. I lived with an extended family which meant that I always shared my bed or atleast the room with aunts/ sibling or myriad cousins. Which is a good thing, considering the rambling old house we lived in that would make the bravest soul pee in their pants if  they had to walk to the toilet (at the other end of the house) in the dark. Funnily I cannot recall ever having slept in the same bed as my parents, except when we traveled.  

When I moved to the hostel to do my post graduation, and subsequently the cities I moved for work, I always had room mates, tho I slept in my own single bed. For short durations I did have to sleep alone, but I spent most of the night reading or talking to my boyfriend on the phone and didn't really 'feel' alone. 

Post marriage, I can hardly recall being separated from K. Even when he traveled, I would always have a friend stay over, or go stay with someone. So much so that almost everyone knew how I hated being alone and they would very sweetly volunteer to come and stay over. I was embarrassed about this when I turned 30.

And then slowly I felt myself seeking my own company on evenings I was alone... spending time reading or just doing stuff around the house, sometimes just catching up on sleep. Sometimes I would go out with friends or sometimes alone, eating out and then come back home to sleep peacefully without the fear of my own shadow. 

Both my MIL and amma would call multiple times to check how I was doing, if they should come over to stay (Amma) or send food (MIL). With Sage now things have changed a lot. I no longer feel completely alone. And tho K travels a lot more than before, its just the evenings which drag on sometimes. When he is around, returning home from work is a little unpredictable, most days around 8 PM but sometimes later or even early mornings when work demands this. So I am used to spending the evening / night by myself. 

These days, I have a pattern for being a solitary being. I cook in bulk on the day he leaves, leaving me free of kitchen chores for the rest of his trip. I have been known to cook myself  just some rice/ roti even on a 10 day trip he made to China, and supplement that with curries / dal that was cooked ahead and frozen. I eat all kinds of odds and ends and completely avoid the kitchen except for making my chai and coffee.

The house is spic and span, perils of living with a very messy partner is that the house looks like a hurricane hit it when he's around. Only one half of the bed gets made/ messed and I can have the air conditioning at the temperature that does not freeze bodies!

I read, watch movies, sometimes 3 per night and stay awake till dawn, walk sage, have coffee and then sleep till lunch time. Even my maid told me she doesn't want me to make her breakfast as I should "take rest" because when "bhaiya is back I will have enough work in the kitchen". This is not because poor K creates work, but I am particular about eating as much as possible at home, avoiding cheap and oily food being delivered. So we do have freshly made breakfast and packed office lunches everyday. Food gets recycled for dinner with leftovers and bits and bobs. I sometimes ask the maid and driver to take a break for a few days since I don't want anyone hovering around me. 

Even Sage realises that the pattern changes when Amma is alone and gets his last walk of the day at 9 PM instead of the customary 10:30, because Amma will then binge watch movies all night!

I am finding it very comforting that I enjoy being by myself in a happy way. That I don't necessarily seek company, activities to fill my silence. I don't even take phone calls unless it is work related and my mom knows I haven't died if I don't answer the phone. 

Its a shift mentally, physically and emotionally for me. One that I am glad has happened. I cannot say that I do not look forward to these breaks of solitude!

End of the month

Its almost the end of the month and I was so sure I would end it on a high note. It has been a good month. I had a tonne of work, did something new - did a few episodes for a TV channel, and went out with friends in one of those agenda less leisurely ways.

Yesterday while I was in one of my weekend sessions, Sage had a seizure at home. Usually we are able to tell, he is restless and we can predict one coming on. Its called pre ectal behaviour and K and I can comfortably see the signs. This time, there was no warning. Thankfully K was at home and he managed to sedate him. I was quite scattered by the time I rushed home and it brought tears to my eyes that despite the heavy sedation, Sage recognised the reversing music from my car and came to the door with the customary pillow to welcome me.

We spent the rest of the day by his side, comforting him and telling him it was ok. I slept on the floor next to him with my arm around him. I dont know if it comforts him or me more. I guess I will never know.

For 8 months now he has been seizure free and this makes for a very strange state to be in. On the one hand, we felt he had fought it well these past months. But after a 4 month period (which was his frequency) both of us begin to get edgy. There is always a nervousness to leave him locked in the house. I didn't think I would feel it after all these years, but when I step out of the lift into the corridor that leads to our door, I feel my hands shake. I don't know what will meet me when I unlock that door. Thankfully till now I haven't come face to face with my worst fear. But the shaking doesn't stop.

I've postponed my monday and tuesday class by a day. K will take off and spend time at home when I am at work this once. He is going to be travelling for a week when I have 4 day long sessions. I hope everything will be back to normal as we know it by then.

The rest of the month was so good that I really wonder if it was evil eyes and not his genetic condition that triggered the seizure.

I shot for a TV channel. Demonstrated 6 baking recipes in telugu for a woman centric channel. I've had offers before but somehow nothing worked out. I've always been asked to do it for free and if I had agreed I would probably have had more than 300 episodes to my name. I am not sure if I want to continue this. I definitely wanted to try it out and experience the whole thing.

We shot at my studio on a wednesday. The shoot started late, around 12.45 PM and I was really beginning to lose it. Everything that you imagine TV shooting to be, it is not! The crew, tho very friendly gives 'zero' inputs. The brief was to 'do my stuff' so I went into full on teaching mode. I was not too unhappy with what we got, but not super happy either. Was happy to go with the flow and enjoy the experience. Its good to cringe at yourself once in a while. I am also very aware of the fact that I sound quite gruff and appear to be grumpy. I am not, I can assure you!

Since the last two years I have been very open to opportunities that have come my way and not shied away from exploring them. One lives and learns and I think for me the big shift mentally has been not to say no at the first instance.

I am not sure where blogging is leading me. Especially with the food blog. So much more 'engagement' on social media is happening and it leaves me quite fatigued even at times.

update: today is tuesday. I have a full day ahead and I just remembered this post was still in drafts. Need to get going now. Sage has had a restful day and he will hopefully be well while I am away for half the day. Talk soon <3 p="">

Long time no updates!

I cant believe the last time I wrote here was January. I think I may have made a few posts as usual and not published them....

Its been a pretty hectic few months for me work-wise. The studio (touch-wood) has been super busy. March I expected would be a slow month and I wouldn't even make rent because of exam time. We all know how Indian parents become during the time of their kids exams. Its like they are taking their board exams all over again! But surprisingly I had full sessions in almost every class I announced. 

April on the other hand was a slow slow starter. I laboured with announcing classes and they always take time to pick up momentum. So literally half the month was spent doing nothing. When I have nothing to do work-wise, I tend to mope around and brood. I dig out long forgotten/ buried things and hyperventilate over them. I make myself miserable and I've decided that I hate myself for it. I am also quite difficult to live with when that happens. I dusted myself off and put a few classes together and then all of a sudden, wham! it was like the universe was telling me that I really needed to do this to feel better. 

April was a hot furnace in Hyderabad. It always is a miserable place to be during summer. I only tolerate it for the mangoes. But this time it has been truly horrid. 

I stopped being interested in food, cooking and eating. The highlight of the month tho, was the rescue and adoption of two puppies I found in succession. This needs a dedicated post and I hope I will get down to it before I forget all the emotions I felt during that time. 

This month too, for 5 days we pet sat a couple of beagle pups. They were four months old, a pair of really naughty little chubs who destroyed the wiring of our home theatre system, gnawed at my sofa, peed all over my house, ate mud from the balcony pots and tore my blankets among other things. But oh my! they were adorable!

K is always quite annoyed when I bring other living things of the human and animal category into the house to occupy space. In fact that is a lie, he goes bonkers. But to his credit, he accepts this stuff with more speed than I ever would and before you know it, he's cuddling the critters and kissing them, or being all funny and entertaining with the human guests. I love this about him, I will admit I take advantage of it too (smiles).

Haven't gone to the farm much due to the heat. We lost a lot of bhindi and beans because it wasn't harvested on time. I feel sad for that and now try and go atleast every 10 days. We made an evening trip on Appa's birthday, cut a cake and had chai and snacks and then came back after dinner. I hope I can resume my monday trips. K isn't in favour of going because he is terrified of the heat.

We went out quite a bit (by our standards) the last few months. Casual dinners with friends, parties and even a brunch was managed. I loved dressing up and dancing all night in my glittery gold flats! I paid for it the next day by being close to hungover during my class!

It has rained a couple of times these last few weeks and brought down the temperature considerably. That's the only saving grace.

K has another Dubai trip coming up next week, Amma is due to come over and stay. I have some interesting projects happening that I am quite excited about.

That's it for now... Hope you are well too! XX

Off day

K is in Dubai for work, I have 4 days of classes this week and monday is my usual day off. I mentioned to amma who is nursing a terrible cold since 5 days that if she felt better, we could use the day and go to the farm. I dont know if it was the promise of the open space or the excitement to see the place again, she got better over the weekend and we set off this morning post breakfast. 

Landed there by 12 pm and the spinach patch is making me cry with the amount of fresh spinach ready for plucking. I cooked a quick lunch of khichdi and some tomato curry, we ate, overate actually, amma took a nap, I walked around my fiefdom with Sage in tow. 

In the evening after chai we harvested palak, chillies, tomatoes, brinjal and some bottle gourds. I set Sage loose and he played and tried to mount Buddy, the lab owned by another family who lives on the farm. They ran in circles pissing all over the lawn. Got home to a completely traffucked gachibowli and I kept telling myself that one day soon, I wont have to battle this traffic. 

A lovely day, so different from my off days when I simply vegetate at home in my PJs

things .... little and big things

Its 20 days into the new year 2016 and I still haven't had a chance to write about the year that went past. 2015 has been eventful to say the least. A lot has happened in this year and if you knew me in my previous avatar then you do know the intense internal pressure I feel to document atleast the highlights.... Here is where the most significant shift has happened. 

2015 was a year where I was addicted to the internet for reasons I know, but don't want to acknowledge. It was the year that I spent more time online, via my phone, telling myself it was solitude. I lied to myself repeatedly that it was down time and yet deep in my heart I called that bullshit. Not out of my own genius, but because I was so fatigued by the end of August of all the information I was consuming but was unable to process. FB, Instagram and twitter, three parts of my poison, of which FB was the most cluttered. Combine inane updates from more than 650 "friends", auto play videos and articles, likes and shares. Soon FB became the only bit of internet real estate I was consuming on an hourly basis. There was so much information - good, bad and insignificant and I had nowhere to process or use it. For all those wise people who were naturally able to see this and call off this before it became bullshit, I commend you. For mortals like me, it took so much more time. Till I began getting so annoyed with the people populating my TL and myself for mindlessly consuming it. It was like sitting on a couch in front of brain dead TV and eating through a 5 kilo bag of chips and wondering why you felt like you sucked on an oil slick. Yes I pare my friends list each month, I change and alter my privacy settings to filter my TL, but that is just a small step. Then there is instagram and twitter (which I still don't get, but I am hanging onto). 

Add to this a growing personal fatigue, in part because we hadn't taken a vacation in 20 months and forced financial goals that put a considerable amount of pressure on us. 

We took a vacation in october finally after a week when I snapped in my head, had a mini meltdown which as always ends in a puddle of tears and snot. It was one of the best vacations we've had. I felt calm and relaxed and most of our time was just spent reading and sleeping. For the first two days, K and I were so exhausted, we slept more than Sage who usually clocks about 16 hours a day! I felt no compulsion to photograph or document digitally our time and I have such few pictures from the vacation, it is shocking to me. I documented it old style.... with a notebook and I loved that experience. The shift was very refreshing and it reinforced the fact that everything that was actually important to me was with me in that moment. 

Blogging suffered as a result and my cooking blog saw such few recipe posts that it was something I was not happy about, but not enough to do something about. This space has always been my personal diary and except for a few instances this past week, it has remained just intensely personal where I write without grammar, syntax and coherence even. I use Social Media for work, but I am less inclined for now, to share too much personal stuff. There was an intense marriage of chaos and calm in my head and the clarity was a bulb aglow in the dark! hahaha

However in total contrast to the above passage, I need to tell you that one of the greatest and most intensely joyous things we did in 2015 was to purchase a farm, I haven't been able to write about it at all for all things silly and insane (ahem like the evil eye!). It has been a dream for K and me to have a space which is a green lung and offers refuge for us, the family and Sage to forget all our city worries and walk on wet loose earth. We began this journey in April 2015, scouting for something nice and I had the most beautiful advance birthday gift given to me in June with a sealed and signed deed. Cutting a long story short, we have built a really tiny and rustic cottage and rang in new years in a circle of love and a giant bonfire! I am excited to be growing vegetables and fruit and my heart can explode when I think of this gift. Also it usually ends in a pool of tears. 

I know that my documentation of the year and its events is my way of reassuring myself that I did good, that I did something significant in the year. In which case, the good and happy far outweighs the sad and annoying parts of 2015. 

In 2016, I want the shift to be from from counting my accomplishments to being able to feel gratitude for everything even if I failed, made an ass of myself and looked silly. At the end of this year, I want to look back with gratitude and grace. I wrote on instagram (I think) that 2015 was equal parts painful and fabulous and that I am carrying forward the fabulous. I hope I remember this when I am not feeling that courageous. 

Grace is not something I offer easily to myself and therein lies the real struggle for me. A recurring theme this week in my life has been grace. I want to  be able to give to myself what I so easily give to everyone and everything else in my life. 

Restraint

I wish I had practiced it. When every cell in my being told me to practice restraint, I wish I had. On the days when I yelled my lungs out at a guy who cut me off at a traffic signal, when I needlessly got emotional over leaving a job I hated anyways and cried my eyes out and literally gave the feeling that I wanted to reconsider my decision, on the day when I said more than I had intended to say only because I was overreacting....a million other instances where I allowed everyone and myself to tell me for posterity that I need to practice restraint. 

When you tell someone more than what you intended, and you reveal more than you wanted to, you see it so clearly in hindsight. When you should have just counted to ten, to speak, to yell, to write back, to return a call.

Hopefully the next time I will remember this lesson clearly and on time.... hopefully I will be less of a fool. 

Of letting go

I've learnt yet again that it's important to let go no matter how hard it seems to be.  That it's not important to prove a point to anyone including yourself at a cost far greater than it's worth  

The words of a friend hold so true to me today more than ever 

'live each day with grace and dignity'

Of friends, holidays and foot massages

Readers of this blog know that I never leave my house unless necessary, definitely haven't left town on my own outside of work (which is once in the last 6 years) and have never done holidays or things for entertainment without K. Not that the opportunities did not exist, or that he or I prohibited it, they just did not happen. Then 4 years ago we got Sage, for the first one year I was stuck to the house caring for a high maintenance puppy, later he turned epileptic and to cut a long story short, I've never left the house for more than 4 hours at a stretch in all of this time.

Each time my friend N comes to India we think of a girls holiday, twice we cancelled, it has been a sore point. My namesake moved to Singapore, had one baby and then another and all this while I haven't been able to see her in that country because, well, read above.

Sometimes I look at the lives of other women my age and how they take off, some of them often, some very rarely, but take off they do on holidays.... they cross the city, the state, sometimes the country to spend time as just themselves, sans their other roles, with friends, family or people they've just met and I sigh, sometimes too loudly.

So what started as a random statement on our school girls whatsapp group, finally took shape. A friend was going to be in India for a few weeks, and we thought it was a good time to take a trip somewhere. Amidst hysterical fits and madcap texting, spread over 2 months, most of the time it looked like "its a great plan and it wont materialize". I never mentioned anything to K because I know for me it is impossible to make any such plans with Sage's condition. I haven't been able to go anywhere "for fun" guiltlessly, leave alone making an overnight trip.

Anyway, last month, I randomly told K that the girls were wanting to do a weekend trip and had asked me, and he just as casually said to me "go, I will take care of Sage". I will admit that I booked my flight tickets a bit too quickly after that statement.

Plans were made, we chose Goa (duh) and picked a decent hotel in the middle of absolutely commercial Baga, to ensure there would be ample entertainment options and we didn't have to spend half the day commuting from one end to another. 

I was giddy on the day I had to leave, with excitement and guilt. Sage realised I was going someplace without him and he was not very happy. 

My friend S who's a doctor in the USA and I went a day ahead of P who works in finance in bangalore. We had some weird flight schedule which meant we would barely spend 22 hours in goa, so we chose to go a day earlier. P joined us on saturday morning. 

Friday was hot and sweaty as we landed, we checked in to our nicely rustic (and overpriced) hotel and took a walk to have lunch. Satiated, we headed to the stores, stopping at almost every one of them to pick up something. I had to literally peel S off from a few shacks to walk ahead. 

We walked some more, got a fish pedicure, walked along the sandy and crowded beach shacks trying to spot some good ones and then headed back in the dark through some really scary narrow and stinking alleys when I almost broke my ankle when I tripped!

Back in the hotel, showered and dressed up to enjoy the evening out. The place we stayed at has a live band playing on fridays and it suited us fine to just hang out there. We drank (a lot!), ate some really good food and caught up, all the while I couldn't believe I was alone and away on a holiday. The thing about goa is that it can be midnight and one can still quite safely walk around the shacks, we went to the beach which was rowdy and loud and resembled one big party with all the lights and people and vendors. Its a different kind of goa from what I have been used to the last few years. But it was one that was a welcome change for a weekend break. We sat at a shack and drank some more! then got back home to sleep. 

I woke up at the crack of dawn, with barely 4 hours of sleep and yet I was happy to have a morning of solitude. Two cups of self made hotel kettle tea later I realised I was too anxious not to call home. I spoke to K, mom and mil, imagine how much I missed them! All of them including K told me to calm down and have fun and not call back so often. 

P arrived around 9 which was when S woke up and we ambled along for breakfast, catching up on 25 years, filling in each other with details of life and such stuff. It was fun to talk of rubbish boys in class and needless heartaches, of lecherous PT teachers and crazy tuition teachers. The rest of the day went by in a haze, gifts were given (by them, I went empty handed - chee), we bathed and dressed and headed to the beach after atleast 10 stops at random stalls to buy (I already have too much of this stuff was the refrain) stuff, we had a couple of drinks on the beach bed and headed back. S and I wanted to have a fish thali and the girls were spoilt sports only in one thing, they didn't know to drive / ride a bike so all my plans (armed with sunscreen) to hire scooters and drive around were thwarted. We had a real epic fish thali and then headed back to rest. 

We got out again in the evening and headed out to Thalassa where we spent a major part of the evening, enjoying the amazing white wine Sangrias, the food and the vibe. One genuinely hot guy did a shirt open (non) dance and we squealed with delight! When we wound up from here, we headed to the night market, which turned out to be a big disappointment, we then went to a couple of clubs before finally heading back to sleep past 3 AM. We did a conference call with our other girl friends and squealed through it completely incomprehensible. I don't remember when I finally fell asleep. 

I was up again by 6 AM and decided I didn't want to toss and turn in bed waiting for everyone else to wake up. I headed out to the beach and walked up and down before finally settling for a beach bed. The friendly guys who rent them out are also masseurs on the cheap and I had a glorious foot massage. All that walking deeply appreciated the rubbing and pressing and though I was a little squeamish about a strange guy pressing my legs without the privacy of a pedicure tub, I finally calmed down and just enjoyed it.

To me this trip was much more than hanging out with school friends. It was just being able to finally pack a bag and leave home. To be able to deal with the guilt of leaving Sage bewildered, but I just had to do it. I think this is what they call 'Mommy guilt' only, in my case, since I feel it for a dog, it is way more weird.

When I got back home on sunday evening, I was grateful for the strengthened friendships, that I was able to comfortably negotiate a holiday with very different people and not have a bad moment, but most of all for the peace and quiet of just being with myself.