almost perfect

So K went off to his cousin's wedding on Kolkatta. i am not admitting to any arm twisting here... he hates that city and the smells and the food not particularly in that order. So some (not) irritation was expected.. what i didnt expect, was the day he came back on tuesday, as he left for work, he told me he would be back early and take me out shopping.... now if like me you have known K half your life, you will know not to take him too seriously... at 7.30 pm he calls to say he was on his way and that i should meet him downstairs....

we went to a mall, he shopped for a few things himself... then patiently (then impatiently) walked with me and my shopping cart as i did the grocery shopping... even spotting the right aisles and bringing me packets of stuff asking if it was the right one... when he got tired of this game, he went off to stock the bar....there was a serpentine queue for the billing and he picked up a pack of sunflower seeds to munch while he sat on the floor... yes, he sits on the floor... like a tantrum throwing child...only he isnt throwing a tantrum, but just comments on everything around him... he is quite hilarious... except for the time when he told me i am looking old and that age is showing on me... then i wanted to ambush him with my loaded shopping trolley.

We then headed to the basement parking lot to load the car. At that point, K asked me about dinner... i said whatever...( had not so secretly eaten a dosa at home)...he said to me... not so much to eat, but we're out and i want to spend time with you... sit and talk.....my heart skipped a beat...We traipsed to our (current) favourite newscafe and ordered drinks and a salad... spent an hour and a half talking, laughing, i think i held his hand a couple of times...  like the young lovers we once were.... we had such a good time... just being together... i apologised for sending him to kolkata, i know he doesn't like that place... he told me not to think about it again... 

why am i calling such an evening almost perfect? because reality hit us as soon as we reached home... Sage messed our bed up and even peed on it... he's never done that in the 6 months that we've had him... i was tired... but i had to change the sheets and turn the bed over... i still wouldnt change anything of that evening

a cure for everything....well, almost

i couldnt sleep last night till about 2.30 a.m. i was hiding under my razai and reading about the kardashian family on my ipad... i know... i should have been shot! i finally forced myself to sleep because i knew that i would be woken up in a couple of hours by the pooch wanting to go for his morning walk....

i was determined today to make myself feel better... no matter what...

oh! on a side note, i got my iphone screen fixed yesterday... 3 weeks ago, Sage knocked it out of my hands and the screen cracked into 30 odd pieces... it still worked tho it was an eyesore...

so with the phone fixed i was feeling infinitely better than yesterday....

renuka was on leave today... some death in the family... and so i got into the kitchen....

i made an omelet for our breakfasts..... on a spur, i bought 30 eggs yesterday! so i had to start using some of them up....

i cooked tomato dal, made raw banana cutlets with mint which turned out amazing...i cooked rice for sage and my lunch and boiled some pumpkin for pumpkin cinnamon rolls (all in the pressure cooker)... i was on fire....

i mixed up some batter for chocolate cupcakes... i have to make 5 dozen and i wanted to start early...

there's something that being in the kitchen does to me... it makes me forget...even myself

i forget my anxiety, my anger, my failures, my successes, my ego, my state of dishevelment or that my nails are beautifully painted.... i just forget everything... and peel, slice, chop, cook...i frequently wave my hands over the pan and inhale deeply... even if i am frying onions....

cooking and baking has given me more pleasure than anything else....why even rearranging my pantry cupboard makes me feel more in control of my life...

i have been known to make gulab jamuns at 2 a.m....what can i say

remedies.............

i am hopeless at being self motivated.... each time in my life i have been in a quandary, it is always because i feel lazy, sluggish and lethargic,. because i have no energy to propel my life forward....then starts a downward spiral...self deprecation and flagellation begin....

i know the pattern only too well...finally when even i cannot tolerate myself, i pick myself up and get back on track... it always needs to come to a tipping point first....

i stand on the cusp today....

a few things that i have found infinite relief from in the midst of this...
brushing my teeth.. yes, i know it sounds insane... but i usually just get up and brush my teeth, no matter what time of night or day it is....or take a bath if i can manage better still to wash your hair.

i also find that getting dressed, in clothes that you would go to work in... apply a bit of kajal. my appearance plays a huge role in how i am feeling.... sometimes when i look like crap, i also feel like it....

i also play music... nice peppy music... not too loudly...but enough to humour me. i do not like to watch tv... i brings on the downward spiral much quicker....

i make myself a good cup of tea....mostly with elaichi and ginger...at times like these, i do not feel like drinking green tea or its variants...

i feel like stuffing myself with unhealthy food...french fries, cheesy pasta, deep fried stuff... but since i neither stock such stuff or make it, i never have access to it. Instead, i bring out a recipe book or try something new... baking always helps... the lovely aromas of a baked goodie in the oven can make the most gloomy person feel good...

i try and go for a walk....

i call a chirpy friend. all those people who look to you for a shoulder to cry on and advice, i stay away from them for a few days....

if all else fails... i go out and shop!

Happy Birthday Sugar

You turn a big 'Five' today my sugar-cube. Happy Birthday to you... may you have a long and wonderfully healthy life, full of love and laughter and your own brand of stubborn mischief. 

you were born almost close to midnight today five years ago after your mother was in labor for almost 17 hours. you turned your head at an angle that made it difficult for you to come out and your pulse rate was dropping as a result of what was just a cocked head! you made it clear right from that point that it would be your way or nothing. When i saw you a few hours after your birth, your daddy (my brother A), was so concerned if the cone on your head (the result of the way you turned your head, sent fluid rushing into your head) would cause permanent damage.... i laughed and said no... but actually i stayed up the whole night praying!

i watched you in your crib thru the entire night, to check if you were breathing and i was so terrified that i wouldn't know what to do....

i spent the first few weeks caring for you, my special baby. you put me thru baby boot-camp and i cant say that i liked all of it! i was happy to be able to help, to give you your first bath and cut your nails for the first time... i also had these chats as i carried you and walked about the entire night for weeks after you were born (because you just wouldn't go the hell to sleep), telling you how happy we were to have you, the first grandchild of the family and the precious prayer baby...i also asked you not to give me a hard time, because i was clueless.... those weeks spent with you are priceless baby chakkaru... you gave me such a life lesson....

So as you grow older and more obstinate, i silently smile when comparisons are made to me... apparently all your bad tempered stubbornness is because of my contribution to the gene pool! I want you to be fearless always, questioning everything and finding your own answers, i want you to pave your own way and find laughter in the most innocent of joys....

this year will be special as you are about to get your own baby brother or sister that you are already so possessive about. i told your mummy C that her new baby will have two mothers. 

the joy and pride you give your dadi is unlike any other accomplishment she has made in her long and eventful life!

bless you my darling... have a lovely year ahead...