Thursday, January 21, 2010

so much for resolutions!

so much for thinking i want to write more often here..... the only thing i am doing more regularly than i expected was to eat smaller more sensible meals, walk atleast 20 mins a day, take the stairs and take care of my composter! not bad for a self confessed couchie like me!!

anyways... workwise things are slow...a few trainings a month is the way it is now...good for me because i am getting so much time to work on other things that dont cause stress... speaking of which .... i did a prog way back in dec when the client was so sketchy about the profile, reluctant to share anything about participant background, agreed upon an outline...and then sends back feedback that the participants felt it was too much to do everything on their own (it was a complete activity based prog) and that they felt the trainer didnt know where they were going to apply their learning!! absolutely right.... what were they expecting? a 60 slide lecture? i would have thought that everyone appreciated practical application...apparently not... anyways, the feedback took more than 5 weeks to come, so not that i am judging, but says a lot for how we like to work....i wonder if we are expecting life altering changes to happen with one day of training....what about unlearning 22-25 yrs of stuff....

i've begun to have a fairly good amount of enquiries for my urban gardening venture... i've completed a few and a few more in the excited...and apprehensive too....collecting material for a website and then take a call in 6 months time about a permanent shift....

i've spoken with friends, soul sisters and i realise that the greatest wisdom lies within me... a lot of them... are kind enough to tell me that i am admired for who i am and what i have achieved...and i just cant seem to take that at face value...i always feel that compliments are unreal and that i am unaccomplished!! take about paradoxes!! now all i need is a little more self belief... but isnt that what all of us are running after.....this is a work in progress for me....i wonder how people think i come across as confident, opinionated (in a nice way i hope) and courageous..... when all i keep hearing inside my head is that i am insecure, unsure and scared!! a soul sister said to me on chat the other day.... you wrestle with trouble and bury it into the ground.... we dont...the words she used may be diff cos i cant recall.... but i was amazed... it was like she was talking about someone else... i thank god for giving me the courage to do all i have... and if i have come across as a strong person... then that's a huge bonus!

i also cant make out if its a compliment when people say they are like me... just like me... or we are so so similar (notice the two so's) because i dont see any similarity in us.... i've not come across another woman like me....with the same convictions, beliefs and weaknesses.... so then how come they see us as similar?? generic similarities in choice of movies, clothes, decor yes... but otherwise? and not just me... i believe every human is different...and thats why we're individuals! the only person i think i am similar to is my mother.... i think i am becoming more of her as i get older.... my beliefs are almost the same... cos i think that's what our exposure has been to life.....physically i think i am more like my peddi.... i'm looking more like her... and ofcourse i have her temper!! and now that i am seeing my niece growing up.... i sometimes have a dejavu moment....she's way more talkative than i was at that age tho!

there's been a lot on my mind lately.... i prefer to be alone rather than with people.... ironically january has been one of the most active months for us socially! i fear i will again go thru the phase where i dont want to talk and be my usual energetic self that everyone expects from me now! its too much to explain why you want to be quieter than i end up talking and bouncing off walls anyways!! 

we're leaving to ahmedabad for a week tomorrow..... its been almost a year... i am excited as i want to do some sight seeing in the city this time... i've always wanted to... but never have... and hoping i wont go berserk with the shopping!

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