Monday, November 10, 2008

time to get back!!

by the time this gets read, i would have begun working again........ i will come back to tell the story of how it feels.... and all that jazz.... but today i write about the hazaar things going on inside my head...some time back, i wrote here about why and how i quit working....seems it was yesterday...and now i am actually going back to work again.....

its been two years now since i quit fulltime work....initially i didnt have any agenda other than that i wanted to spend time with amma and take a break for a few months.... when my neice was born in january, i devoted a couple of months trying to help out with the frenzy that hits a household that has a new baby..... so officially for 6 whole months, i just went with the flow and enjoyed doing everything that didnt have an agenda.....everywhere i went people were intrigued / interested and downright nosy about why i stopped working and how i spent my time.....while it never got the better of me, i was quite surprised at how many questions you get asked if you said you were'nt employed. 

i took some hobby classes i wanted to, including salsa, i spent time with friends, paid more attention to my home and started a food blog and each time i said i was a housewife (for want of a better term) jaws would drop.... really?? i'd was the response i'd first get all the while....while it amused me at how i was being categorised and a label put on me, it also surprised me that it actually happened....

i had the time to do a lot of other stuff....for one i have become more interet savvy and i take better pictures than i ever did in my entire life!! i cooked and cooked and cooked some more till k was really tried of his patience.... not of the food really, but of the endless discussions that were food centric...i began baking....i spent a lot of time and money shopping....i went out a lot.... to malls and movies and friends places....my balcony garden took on a new life.....i plunged into home improvement.....i sewed...curtains, cushions, even clothes for myself.....i block printed.....i made christmas cards....celebrated the best christmases and diwalis ever.....and amma spent more time with me than she ever did.......i stopped wearing a watch....i lived for the first 8 months without a cell phone.....i stopped setting the alarm (except for when i had to catch a flight!!)....i began waking up naturally....when my body was satiated with sleep....something that hadnt happened in years...and no it wasnt at noon that i woke up!!

more importantly, life for me changed like i'd never thought possible....i stopped having those headaches......i began to see myself becoming calmer....my temper for sure had ebbed...somewhat.....

i wont pretend that it was all rosy and lovely..... from being reckless with my spending, i suddenly was more conscious of what and how i was spending.....when you have been on your own financially for so long, suddenly to not have the comfort of a monthly pay cheque was something that i took time to adjust to..... financial independence more than puts a spring in your step....for me, it was a confindence i took so much for granted....

when i quit, i wanted to start a restaurant.....i worked on a plan and saw dreams of my eatery flooded with people....of the food and ambience being so fabulous that we had everyone literally eating out of my palms!! that was the first thing to crash land!! i had to accept that it was far too much a risk that i was willing to take....so i let it go....

in a moment of extreme self doubt, with a friend telling me i could do it, i began chocolate classes at home.....what that did to me, is more than i can describe here.....from a day when i was convinced no one would sign up, to doing three classes a week, appearing on TV and having festival orders to keep me awake till midnight, chocolate making did to me in a few months, what i didnt even dream of.....

i loved my job as a trainer....and continued to work on it ..... work as a freelancer trickled in....i began writing training web content..... my days were now fuller than when i had fulltime work.....i have thoroughly enjoyed this.....with the food blog and the friends i made in the blogging community, writing and classes, life was pretty good....infact nothing that i should complain about and appear ungrateful....

However, increasingly over the past few weeks, i have been plagued with questions that i need to answer myself ..... my classes will remain since they are over the weekends, i am at a plateau with the writing and training....for the time being, i feel the need to go out and see different people....i need an office environment......i wondered about things such as my professional worth and the two year break on my resume.....

for starters...this time, i am working out of choice, unless the last time where it was natural progression from being a student..... i spoke to a couple of friends.....from the industry and who were able to talk to me objectively and not give me answers i wanted to hear..... 

while i am not really sure what i want, i am very clear about what i dont want.....i dont want employment that will engulf everything else in my life....i dont want a job that will force me into the rat race.....i dont want to do meaningless work that adds up nowhere....i dont want to give up the pursuit of the things that i have enjoyed these past two years....if all this sounds like i dont want to work...well its farthest from the truth....i was hoping i would get all this a...nd do the work that i love so much

an opportunity that fits all of my do'nts has presented itself.... only time will tell what happens next.....so as of today, while i sit and type this out....i am full of apprehensions more than anything.... apprehensive about how i will fit in.... how i will manage work and home.... if i will be able to do good work....and all the jazz that accompanies starting a new job.....coupled with a very real case of butterflies in the stomach.....i will begin working on a project that involves about 7 hours of work a day....enough to tell me if i want to wager on....or bolt back!!


4 comments:

Rupa said...

Hey Anu,

Congrats ! hope you get all that you wish for and more than that. Am happy for you.Hey didn't know you blockprint....I just love it...in fact am just printing now :)...

Rupa.

Raaga said...

Good luck! I think I now know what you mean. Much as I didn't want to be in the rat race as we know it, I guess I have to pull on for a couple of years more.

Bedazzled said...

its really spooky .. but i am currently in the phase you were in a few years ago..!

shilpa said...

now, I know why my post touched this chord in you...

you are lucky to have had years of job experience and luckier to find things - baking and chocolate making - that you enjoyed...

beautifully written :)