(Bad)Kismat (Dis)Konnection..........woes abound

I will try and forget that I crashed into and fell over my coffee table, cut my finger and knocked my knee cap so hard I was convinced I had a fracture…..lay motionless till K picked me up….put me to bed with an icepack over my knee…..and that I limped around like a one legged person for more than 48 hrs…..I will try and remember that all of this had nothing to do with Kismat Konnection……….

Reams have been written about this movie…….the return of Aziz Mirza…..the supposed romance between Shahid Kapoor and Vidya Balan……and ……well ok…all the reams written seemed to be only of the so called romance between the lead pair…..and for their own sake I hope it isn’t true…..fresh from the success of Jab We Met, and deserving more than the praise that he got (his famous Ex walked away with all the taalis remember) I really wanted Shahid to have a good movie……and this looked like it had all the trappings…..except for one vital thing….Aziz Mirza…..I mean look at the man’s track record…… nukkad worked because it was made in the 80’s everything on television (which was a sum total of Doordarshan) was tacky and trite……bad / loud acting was the result of theatre actors storming television studios and people like him got more credit than they deserved…..I mean look at his track record –

Raju ban Gaya gentleman was the only passable fare……with an already tried and tested script (Shree 420)….

then he made the terrible Phir bhi dil hai Hindustani whose only claim to fame was a kickass title song (which wasn’t in the movie btw) that became a national anthem and gave us a chance to smile about our (silly) quirks with a winning “phir bhi dil hai Hindustani” refrain……though this bit the dust when it released (even though SRK launched one of the most aggressive promotional campaigns for it) it seems to have made a pile of cash with satellite TV rights…..

Chalte chalte (I actually couldn’t sit through the premiere, walked out and watched it later)…..the only thing good about this movie was that it had some fabulously picturised songs shot on exotic locales……it also had an emaciated looking shah rukh khan (after his titanium disc surgery) doing the loud act and much as I like him, I couldn’t stand this one, Rani Mukherjee styled well with lovely clothes, but buried under a tonne of makeup…..and some other disgustingly loud characters played by otherwise talented actors…… (Have you seen satish shah in yeh Jo hai zindagi or sarabhai Vs Sarabhai??)

So I still gave him the benefit of doubt for shahid’s sake…..I really like this boy and wish he stopped giving people reason to go on and on about how he apes SRK……you are talented on your own ….. Just pick the people who won’t call you Raj Malhotra in their movies anymore

Ok since this has given you a fair idea of where this is going to take you, let us dispense with the thin shard of the storyline …… its very little….believe me…..

Raj Malhotra(Shahid Kapoor) is a down on luck and out of work architect…..here I think the scriptwriter wanted a Howard Roark kind of “brilliantly talented but no one wants to give him a chance” kind of sketch…..and the similarity ends there…..defeated and on the verge of a tear flood (this still makes you want to go and hug Shahid Kapoor the actor), comes across an advertisement on TV (in Canada, in Hindi….but what the hell…..looks like Canada morphed into Chandigarh with all the Batra’s, Gill's and other Hindi spewing people that infest this movie) of a tarot reader/ crystal ball gazer/ horoscope/ palm reader/ mother of all solution givers called Haseena Bano Jaan……the guy must have been really desperate to actually think there will be hope to be gotten from someone with a downright tacky Advt.....and lands up to listen to her mumbo-jumbo about a lucky charm…..which could be in any form……turns out to be Priya (Vidya Balan) who Raj gets into a few scraps with initially and as expected they can’t stand the sight of each other….they bump into each other another couple of times…..and Raj does all he can to keep her close to him as his talisman, so that he can present his architectural plans to Gill (Om – what was he thinking - Puri!!) and bag a contract to build a shopping complex for him, over what is now a Community Centre, run / protected / crusaded for by (surprise!!) Priya…..so after some lack luster songs, trite acting, and many unbelievably badly edited scenes later Raj gets Priya (thanks to a scheming two timing boyfriend - why do they all have to be losers??)and she gets her community centre, thanks to a vagabond “waving friend” who actually turns out to be the owner (Batra – Boman Irani) of the building company, who uses his ‘veto’ power (what are they running?? The parliament!!) .......... Approves the building plan which includes the community centre...........of course after a lecture on global warming (what!!) and imperialism…….and some other inconsequential stuff……

So that for you there is the storyline of (bad) Kismat Con-ection………

The acting is ok….as in Shahid and Vidya really try to bring some honesty to the crappy lines they are given ….but it ends there…..Om Puri and Juhi Chawla…. I was speechless (in a not so nice way), himani shivpuri in the three scenes as Om Puri’s dog toteing loud Punjabi wife act actually elicited a few laughs….Vishal Malhotra’s leech(y) type of friend was so dated, that you can actually throw in a few moth balls….the guy is talented….. now if he can just stop doing these roles….. because we could really do without the clichéd friend

The story is ok…..Sanjay Chel (writer), you should have really spent maximum time on the script….everyone recycles old stuff…..its trendy to do so……and really we would have appreciated a new take on this Munna Bhai meets confused Howard roarke meets bad take on whoppi Goldberg in ghost crystal ball gazer rubbish you came up with ….. everything you introduce has no bearing to the actual story……the competitor/rival to Raj malhotra, after trying several ambushes, disappears without a trace…… Russian mafia / money lender who speaks in a weird italian accent and has one scene…. Haseena bano jaan is jiggling her hips in what she calls “carnival ka rehearsal” with some 10 others in what looks like a street fountain…….what is the occupation of Priya?? She is a crusader for the community centre and is protesting the shopping mall in Canada with placards in hindi!!.........for a woman who calls Raj an MCP, she is passive and cow like with her boyfriend / fiancé………

The cinematography is adequate…..and its really unfathomable to expect Aziz Mirza to expect fabulousness from his technicians….that having been said, there’s nothing you can really fault in this department…..

Pritams music is lackluster……he seems to have lost interest in the movie halfway after Bakhuda (sung by Asif Aslam and Alka Yagnik) and one can’t really blame him for that

The choreography is very Ahmed Khanesque …..it ranges from what is really good in the Aai Pappi (which is there for the heck of it) number and Shahid is on home ground and a treat to watch, his foot work being very deft….. to a downright terrible engagement song (costumes included – sleeveless waistcoat under jacket for Shahid- which he removed half way down the song and a terrible fish cut ghagra for vidya)

Which brings us to poor poor Vidya…..darling….please insist that you wont wear anything that this stylist ever gives you…..he/she needs to be sacked…..there’s nothing wrong with your natural grace and style, and don’t you dare listen to people who try to tell you otherwise and put you in clothes that just don’t do anything for you…..

And as for the so called Chemistry between Vidya balan and Shahid Kapoor….it just isn’t there…..infact there is no energy / synergy / chemistry between anyone who were a part of this movie….the actors, technicians…..zilch!!

It has been said that Aziz Mirza made this movie after the death of his wife……my condolences…..but please stay at home and recover…..you don’t have to spend crores to make movies to get over your grief…..

What I can’t fathom….is whether people are idiots or so narcissistic that they can’t make out their front from their rear…end that is…..i have always wondered if film makers are surrounded by bootlickers who are always singing praises of them…..or they are those unfortunate people who have no one honest in the vicinity of a few miles…..if they are surrounded by people who are deaf, blind and dumb enough to not recognize a shoddily made product, then that is one huge colony of deaf, blind and dumb people…..

A friend of mine said that this was a sweet one time watch, compared to the other crap that is coming out….but I don’t want to compare this that way……despite the rubbish around….anything…standalone should be good or bad…..i won’t deny that there are worse off movies than this one…. But that isn’t how I judge a movie…..this one didn’t work for me……I won’t recommend it…..unless you are really drunk……really bored……or want to eat a load of popcorn….. my rating is one star….yeah that bad…..