i miss being young (er)

its depressing when i read this quote "today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again"

downright depressing.

i know i said that i am enjoying my thirties and that i have come into my own and all.... but today on a lazy sunday afternoon, as K and I sipped chilled beer and waited for the cooker to release the steam so we could attack my special chettinadu biryani, we watched Aayatha Ezhuthu.

the first time we watched it was at its release in 2004, when K and i were married for less than 6 months. i remember, we went to prasad's imax and were with another couple. i wore a white kurta, jeans, kolhapuris, jhumkis and dark kaajal and when i saw kareena kapoor, i was like, dude, that is my signature look!

why do i remember what i wore so vividly? because i still dress pretty much like that, but that damn kurta far from fits me anymore. middle age girth and all. also that in those days, K and i would be pretty happy to hand around theatres or loll about at home the entire weekend. not bothering about pantry supplies, vegetables, emails, presentations and other mundane stuff like proving your worth to the world.

today kind of felt weird, like a scene from gangs of wasseypur, when each period of time is marked by a movie of significance. i felt far from young... just saying... 

a story that needs to be told

i wrote this many months ago when the guwahati molesting happened... i have not had the courage to post it till now... but here it is
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I'm reading an outpouring of blog posts which are reactions to the molestation of the 17 year old girl in Guwahati. My blood boiled when i saw the pictures and tho i clicked on the video, I did not have the courage to watch it. I cannot even imagine what it must have been like to be in the middle of that fucking depraved mob, to be groped and molested and to listen to yourself being spoken about in the utmost vulgar manner. The girl, no more than a child, will have to live with the scars of that evening forever. It will change the course of her life, and no matter how much anyone reassures her that she will forget, she will not. 

Sexual assault is nothing like anything you have ever experienced. I know for a fact that every woman, no matter where she comes from, has had to deal with some form of it through her lifetime. some more vulnerable than the others.

my own life has been a maze of protecting myself from the hands (at worst) and stares (at best) of men who prey on you, regardless of the situation and the place. it has changed so much in me, that i feel compelled to tell the story here. 

my mother and i were at a sweet shop one day when i was about 11. While she was talking to the shopkeeper, i noticed from the corner of my eye, a man on my left was shifting funnily and rocking himself. i turned to look and realised, he had his penis out, was looking at me and rubbing it against the display shelf of the shop masturbating. I called out to my mother and pointed at him. she yelled at him and took her slipper off, threatening to slipper him. I was traumatised for weeks and couldnt even step out of the house on my own except to go to school. 

I grew up realising quite quickly that the uncle who came home to teach me math on weekends, chose to come when my parents were taking a nap so that he could touch my breasts and rub himself against me. I dreaded those tution classes and within a few weeks, I realised that when i struggled to free myself from his clutches, it got worse, I told him I would tell my parents if he doesnt back off. my parents trusted him immensely and so he had free access to our house. he stopped teaching me, and since he was family, whenever I met him socially, my hair would stand up on end even if i was within 10 feet of him. 

I was 14 and travelling with my parents from bapatla, a town in coastal andhra to hyderabad. the train left bapatla around 11 p.m and we had RAC tickets which meant that our sleeping berths were in different places in the compartment. My father was extremely ill and I was a young independent girl. So i told my mother to sleep closer to my dad's berth and took the one that was the farthest. since it was past 11 p.m most people on the train were already asleep. there was one guy who was leering at me since we got onto the train. He knew i was not near my parents, I was on a middle berth a few seats away from him. he made a big pretense of having to go to the toilet a few times that night, each time to stand near my berth and touch me. At first he scratched the sole of my foot, I opened my eyes, but was so scared to say anything. Yet the feeling of being violated made me kick his hands off. This happened once more and the bastard got bolder. He reached for my chest which was under the sheet. i hit his hand off and sat up. he leered at me. I can still make out his face. I could not get over how angry I was. I was doing nothing, yet a random stranger thought it was ok for him to touch and grope me because he thought i was alone and helpless. He was well over 40, may have had children my age, but that didn't stop him. my heart was pounding and i was too agitated to sleep. I wanted to do something to the bastard but i was too scared. I sat up and walked slowly over to where he was sleeping,  I grabbed both his shoes from under his berth and chucked them out of the window of the moving train. the next morning when we were to get off at Hyderabad, i saw him frantically searching for his footwear, but he couldn't find it. It didn't make a difference to what had happened, but i was pleased that he lost something of value.  I lived out of home for studies and work for 5 years. and so train travel was unavoidable. to this day, i bristle when i have to travel by train. I can never sleep on a train and my senses are at their maximum awareness.

growing up in hyderabad, you learn quite quickly that eve teasing is a way of life and that you will be called out and spoken to in the most vulgar manner. when i moved to coimbatore to study, i dreaded what a town dominated by students, more than half of them being men would be like for a woman. To my utter shock, i was never groped at or touched or even spoken to by random men on the street. I was shocked that a woman can walk on the road or inside the campus without being picked on. I don't know how it is today, but 10 years ago, it was almost a culture shock to me. 

a girl can be molested anywhere. public and private places. a bus when you are trying to get off, a lab where you have gone for an x ray, a tailor's shop when you stand for the tailor to take your measurements, walking on the road, seated on a bus, even standing in line at a movie theatre. 

to this day, I watch closely when random people try to carry babies, small children at places like malls and restaurants. i do not allow anyone i know to hand over their kids to strangers however decent they appear to be. I do not talk to strangers on trains and buses and even auto wallahs will get directions in an aggressive stern voice, to deter them from trying anything funny. 

For most of my life, I thought I was in the wrong and was asking to be touched or commented upon because of the size of my chest. its only later that i realised that women regardless of their size or age are being preyed upon and it makes no difference what your body looks like. I've spent more than 15 years trying to shield myself from this. wearing oversized clothes, a bedsheet like dupatta covering my chest, men's shirts when i wore jeans, a jacket almost through the year if i didnt have a dupatta on....the list of defenses was endless. and i like most girls would find innovative ways to not garner any male attention to my body. holding a file or books against my chest or using my bag to shield myself as i walk through crowded places. if i dont have anything in my hands that i can use to cover my body, I permanently walk with my elbows out, ready to jab anyone who comes close. the sheer stress of having to shield and protect your body is something that only another woman can understand. there are times when my heart beats so quickly when i walk through a crowded place, that once i reach the safety of a car or a house or office or a store, i have to stop to catch my breath. 

and the way men think it is ok to not touch, but pass vulgar comments. It burns my ears, most times i shout back asking "repeat what you said you dog" in such a loud aggressive voice that they shrink off. The thing with these bastards is that they do all of this, knowing that in most cases, the shame that a woman feels is enough to shut her mouth and bear with this shit. when you call their bluff, most of them are too scared to do anything else and will back off. 

most people who know me, tell me that the first encounter had them wonder why i was so aggressive. I cannot explain to each one,that i developed it as a defense to protect myself. better to look like someone who should not be messed with than find out the tough way. It has altered my personality simply because it is years and years of building a wall around yourself which will keep you safe. i look people straight in the eye and give them nasty looks to keep them off if i suspect any misdemeanor. you have to appear tough to ward off lechers. It has made me so protective of my body that i do not trust anyone who comes too close. 

i am always ultra alert especially in places with high body contact. i once walked into a high end store during the afternoon when there were no other customers. A group of sales boys stood about 10 feet away from the entrance and were having a few laughs amongst themselves. I enterred, i felt they'd passed a comment on me, I stared and asked "yes, did you want to say something to me?" they were stunned, one guy said "no maam, nothing." not convinced, i pressed on... "no i think i heard you say something, say it again" by the look on their faces, I knew they weren't saying anything to me, but years of having men pass comments on you makes you like that. I walked past them, keeping up the act of being very annoyed, but i knew i was feeling embarrassed. that's how it changes you... trust no one. 

I walk alone at all times of the day and night in the streets around my house with my dog. I know that only an ass will try to touch me when i have such a large dog with me, but leches are men who are assholes. I walk sometimes even before the sun has risen and it is relatively dark. at night, most streets do not have lights. i shudder to think what may happen. I also feel extremely angry that i have to think of all of this before i step out to let my dog pee - what i am wearing, how much skin is showing, is the tee too tight, is the kurta see through....the list is endless. I find random men, well dressed, returning from an office too, will look and stare more than needed only because a woman is walking with a dog on a street. i could be walking back with shopping bags in both hands, defenseless if someone decides to touch me. i have found it useful to befriend people i encounter daily. the chowkidars will watch out for you if you call them bhaiyya, i smile and talk to the auto walahs at the stand waiting for customers, the man who runs the tea shop, the boy who sells milk. simply to tell any strangers who may see me for the first time, that this is my territory and that i am not to be messed with. sometimes you wish it wasn't so stressful. but when i think of that poor girl in guwahati, i smile another smile at a chowkidaar who may come to my rescue. 

Mind your own business

this happened a few months ago... i had this in drafts... 

I was walking Sage at 6.15 a.m the other day. Not the best time of day to strike up a conversation with a stranger. But having a dog makes you accessible to random people… and this was no different.

The person in question was a fairly elderly gentleman of about 65 yrs of age. He smiled which I reciprocated. Then asked if I was studying to which my answer was no. next he wanted to know if I was working and I said yes. After that, the next question was to check if I was married to which I answered yes. Immediately then, the old gentleman, who about 2 minutes earlier mistook me to be a college student, asked me if I have children. I was appalled. I mean, what gives anyone the right to pry information that is none of their business? Not to say I would have been less irritated if I did have kids. Either way, it is none of anyone’s business to ask so many questions when you have merely met. I decided to not show my irritation, but to pay him back the same way. Instead of answering him, I asked questions of my own…. How old are you? Do you have diabetes? Blood pressure? Heart problem? Are you living with someone in the colony or are you on your own? Are you not worried that something may happen to you when you are alone on the road? He answered the last one with “why are you asking such questions?” to which I said, when you don’t think its not ok to ask me personal questions, why should you mind if I do?

He just shook his head in disgust and walked off. Haven’t see the old bug since!

break point

As I write this, I am in a way shattered by a few things that have happened (or come to light) in the past few weeks. when I wrote about crumbling marriages, I didn't for the life of me expect to hear of one so close to me disintegrate... it has left me quite devastated. I am trying to be objective and supportive. I believe no one should stay in a relationship when they don't want to, especially when there is no love. Having said that, it’s a different thing when it happens to someone who you know distantly. It’s devastatingly close in this case.... I had a meltdown the other day. Pulled up my car to the side of the road and had a good sob.... it was embarrassing because I was caught in the act... at first I didn’t know why I was feeling so overwhelmed....then I realised... everything I hold dear to me, everything sacred, everything precious... was disintegrating.... yes it was in someone else's life... but it still was terrible.

I pause a moment to think of the people who are actually involved in this... two people who have spent a decade together... two people who shared a lifetime... now are choosing to go separate ways. How terrifying it must be for them, how utterly defeating, how sad. And yet, hopefully, like a phoenix, they will rise from these ashes....they will find themselves, and find love and balance.

I have been thinking over the last few days.... what makes a marriage work? Is it love? It usually takes a back seat after a few years... and besides, love gets tangled with children and chores and home loans... is it children then? And is it safer to have them? So you have something to do? Something to talk about? What about those who don't have kids? By destiny or design? Are they more vulnerable? What then happens when you are just stuck in a rut? In a boring mundane arrangement that drags on for the sake of everything and everyone else. What is a successful marriage then? a couple who have not had significant disagreements, been able to smooth sail through life's arduous journey or a couple who have had difficulties, overcome them and moved on?

I spoke to a friend recently who flip flops. She has bouts of 'I don’t want to be with this man' and calls me when she does. When I asked her how things were after a recent showdown with her significant other, she said 'everything's fine. I am not about to leave him. I said this to him too... that if there is a problem, it has to be fixed. We have invested too much into this to let it go' both seem to be happy about it and I can’t be more glad.

I wish that everyone finds their peace.... but that is like a beauty pageant contestant's wish. I know it doesn't come easy. I still wish upon it for everyone. It’s heartbreaking when something like this happens. No one does it on purpose. But when a situation reaches a point of no return, cutting losses and starting afresh seems to be the only way to go.

I couldn't get over this for days. It has taken me a week to write this.... I don’t know what to think anymore... I just wish we all find our place and peace...

A Year in Passing

I turned a year older on the 9th of this month. A milestone year in many ways and a nice reminder that crests and troughs do make our life what it is. I have not had a more peaceful birthday although i am not big on occasions. in the past I have agonised over many things big and small as my birthday approaches. Depending on where I am in my head or what my life comprises of at that time, I have obsessed over (in various degrees of intensity) - my career or the lack of it, ambitions that lay dormant, what other people were doing with their lives and why i wasn't having any of their successes, my hair which is rapidly greying, my weight, the lack of good clothes, why I dont look like someone else, why my house does'nt look like someone else's, the opportunities to travel, various stuff related to family, and this is just a bunch of them.

I visited a friend last evening and I said something very significant to her. I said that much as I love my friends and want to be there for them, help them through a tough time, I am increasingly growing more protective of what I have in life. if someone is very negative about their own life, their negative energy reflects off them and onto the others around them. At some point, it tells on me. I am on such a high these days that I do not want that to be punctured by anyone... and i consciously am making that decision to stay that way. 

I've had such a  full year. The last one year has meant more to me than every other one put together. I am no longer trying to apologise for who i am or am not. I am where i am supposed to be, and any kind of peer / familial pressure to be otherwise is only robbing me of the fulfillment of being in the moment.

i look at friends with trouble in their marriages - serious troubles... and I am thankful for the strong foundations on which mine is built. I am grateful that i found a man i can trust with my life, someone who I've spent 14 years with and am still not fed up! We may not be the most romantic couple, who buys each other expensive gifts, plans surprises or holidays frequently, but what we have is good and i wont trade it for anything. I see friends around me battling to stay together and I am grateful more than ever for a rock solid union. not that anyone plans to have a marriage. but when things are disintegrating, it makes me sad. I believe no one should stay in an unhappy relationship, so I empathise, doesn't take away the sadness tho.

i've put my health and fitness in absolute first priority for the first time. I think it needed to make this journey. I discovered food through foodblogging. became aware of food and nutrition and that's made our lifestyle choices easier to make. I am still not a food nazi and enjoy stuffing my face with a 1500 calorie pizza once in a while. after years of excuses and living on the couch with half hearted attempts at yoga or skipping, I am finally waking up every single day to battle with my sports bra (has to be a better way to begin the day) and getting my ass to the gym. This one hour in the gym is giving me more than the rest of the 23. I feel endorphinised - i know that's not a word, but it means something to me. I see friends in my age group with ailments. spondylosis, lifestyle issues, body aches and pains, frozen shoulders, digestive problems, ailments and surgeries due to bad eating / constant/ eating out, lack of fitness,stress, adult acne, fertility issues... these are the catch words in our lives. the list is endless. And honestly I am scared for myself. I've had a slip disc and worn a neck collar to help my bad neck / arm in the past. I dont want to find myself in a hospital or undergoing treatment for stuff that isnt caused by an accident. If it is a lifestyle issue, i promised myself i would do my best to avoid it. Thats something i owe myself. To be disease free till i can manage. I look at my almost 74 year old mother and learn lessons from her daily. 

I am finally not apologising for what i do / do not do. I spent years envying other people their careers and thinking i was wasting my education, qualifications and experience. I've moved on from being apologetic and am focussed on practicing my skill with my rules. I've taken on work that interests me and I'm so focussed on doing my best that its paying off with clients. 

Foodblogging has added more value to me than i have to it. Who would have thought that a two byte blog would come to mean so much? Its chronicling my life in a lot of ways. Its given me writing assignments, classes teaching baking and chocolate making, i've met people i have so much in common with, made friends and broken myths. Its given me an identity and made me proud of something that i enjoy - cooking... removed it from the behenji list... whats so bad about that i would never know!

As i sat around the dinner table, sipping on my drink, I had amma on my right, K to my left and B and J in front of me. My life, surrounding me at a dinner table... I wish they would allow sage to sit by my side too....

i count my blessings each night... I stay focussed this year on being happy and enjoying the moments that life brings, even if it is mundane and routine... i am thankful for being loved, safe, healthy and precious.