i do say f*ck an awful lot....

My gym trainer thinks i need to get a tee like this. I agree with him and a friend of mine is going to get one like this printed for me.

I don't even think this is a bad word anymore. Its more of an expression when I say "F*ck! I love that" or "F*ucking crack" or any other such stuff that gets said multiple times during the day.

today I said it when the said trainer tried to kill me with my workout... weights, pushups, squats...i did say fuck quite a lot! then i had to deal with (like always) scum of the earth... made me say it another few times...bad drivers, idiotic messages on FB, ungrateful people...i do say fuck an awful lot!

i also use it to describe something awesome.... fucking great food or something similar!

i live with my mom, that hasn't made me use it any less...

maybe i should get a dozen of these tees!

the comfort of the known

Yesterday morning, I was determined to get my routine back on track. Can it even be called a routine if it changes almost daily? I don't know. But in my head, a morning workout (which essentially is me time) is a big part of it. After almost two weeks of absenteeism, I walked into the gym with a flutter in my heart. the flutter was because I was anxious to check if I would be able to do my old routine, or struggle. Each time I reach a decent level of stamina and fitness, something happens to throw me off the rails. Last time, derailment was due to viral fever epidemic at home, other stuff that made it impossible to carve out some time in the morning, Sage being ill. It came to such a point, that I thought I would never be able to go back to the gym.

It made me fret for the loss of my fitness, for the loss of my sweat! and for the loss of my me time.

see the thing is, despite the fact that the mirrors tell you there is so much work to be done, and the extra set of squats with weights that your trainer gives you threatens to kill you, it still is awesome to see you push yourself.

I never thought I would find pleasure in pain!

I resumed the gym, went back to my daily routine through the day, dragged myself to my dance class in the evening which btw was so much fun, and sank into bed at midnight, with the tiredness that only a well spent day can give you.

it was a fabulous day. I felt terrifically energised and more in control of the stuff that I was allowing to happen. I hope this spell lasts longer than the last lousy one!

have to go now, the kettlebells, they are waiting!

Oscillate

what is it that makes us experience the highest high and the lowest low in a matter of few moments... a few minutes, sometimes hours or if you are lucky to stabilise your heart rate and your mind, a few days...

i am one of those people who oscillate so badly that i am fearful of the chord that is seemingly holding me together. the chord that right now is holding all the pieces together.

i watch aerial acts performed by dancers/ acrobats and wonder if that is me in a more stylised version.

one moment when everything is so clear in your head, one moment when it is so hazy, you cannot even see your toes...

what is it about space that makes us so territorial. Its almost scary to see how our instincts are not so different from an animal who marks its space. that corner of your home and mind, where you are alone. where you are able to think and brood and recuperate. it is so important for your well being. to know that that is the space where there will be no encroachment.

sometimes it is that space which you dont have which makes you crazy. the thought that you haven't had a moment without someone watching you... that you havent been able to sigh without being asked why or even stay in bed with unbrushed teeth because you don't want anyone to panic...this balancing act is so tiring, draining and simply annoying. 

Of friends, family and other important things

Sometimes, in between blog posts, so many things happen that I want to chronicle. I make a mental note of it frenziedly  and then promptly forget. or something else happens and I forget or don't have the nerve or the energy to do it. 

Sometimes, I just cannot get myself to write about how I feel because there are other people involved and by the time I figure out a way to do it diplomatically, the anger or the excitement or whatever other heightened emotion I felt, has passed.

this weekend I had two friends come stay with me from out of town. they are married to each other... the guy was my friend and colleague and I always looked up to him for all things work related. its his opinion that is seek when i need a work related sounding board or counsel. he is the silent brooding type, but rarely if anything, escapes his attention... also, he is possibly one of the most discreet human beings i know.... i met his wife through him (obviously!) and after many years of being a friend's spouse... we hit it off like a house on fire...we have similar backgrounds and temperaments and can talk nonstop without even coming up for a breath of air...

each time they visit, they infuse me with a good sense of energy... its nice to discuss stuff with them, individually and collectively and get a different point of view. it helps me think more clearly.

we spent the weekend together, with their 8 year old son. who is a self contained, intelligent, uninhibited and these days (rare) well behaved boy. by the time they left, late last night, I was so exhausted with all the talking and listening and thinking. but it was the good kind of exhaustion. the kind that makes you drift off into deep, satisfied, refreshing sleep. 

The pages, they are turning themselves

Umpteen times this past month, I came here to mark my presence, to write a few words, to say that I enjoy this blog even now... I failed. 

Sometimes, months go past without anything significant happening and then something so huge happens that you forget to chronicle it because you are swept away in its force. 

Around April this year, I fell in love. So deeply, so unknowingly, it rattles me even now. The thing is, I have known this guy for almost half my life. We have seen each other grow and take on different tasks, succeed at some, fail miserably at others. Its easy to take for granted what you have right in front of you, when it is always there. 

something happened. A storm so tumultuous, that I wasn't even able to see straight, leave alone walk. This guy, somehow, got to be in the middle of the storm. Raging from all sides, ready to engulf and obliterate him. With him, was this helpless person, who sort of in a very irresponsible unknowing way, started this storm. And then I saw what he did, he had the hand of this person firmly within his own hand, held on and never let go. No matter how bad, how reckless and how dangerous the storm was, he never once let go of the hand that he was holding. No questions asked, no explanations given, just holding firm, because of a promise made. Because he said "I will take care of you, I will be there for you, I will protect you and I will not judge you when I am doing all of this"

The storm took a long time to blow over, almost 21/2 months in human terms. That is a long time to live out. That is 21/2 months of daily adjustments, everyday refuelling and going forward even when deeply wounded. All because of a promise.... because he was an honourable man. He didn't let go of that hand, despite the storm inside him, the personal losses, the tumult in his family, the fact that everyone questioned him. 

Picture this, a man is walking with another person's hand held tight. on a bed of glass shard ed ocean with the water right upto his nose, wading through water when there is a terrific storm, winds and gusts that blind you, and it is icy cold and it's raining. Not once does he let go of that hand, not once does he flinch no matter how much his soles are bleeding and in pain. That is the strength of this man. 

Its easy, when you have known someone this long, to look at the warts and not the strength. To look at the flaws which are so many and not the honour or conviction. To expect that for the sake of the overall peace and preferance of everyone around, he should take the easier more socially acceptable way out... but he didn't. 

This decision to walk with this person, protecting this person and ensuring there is a safe passage, has cost him almost everything. And yet, not a day of regret or anger has been shown. I really do not know what it takes to be someone like him. 

All I know is, this man, made me see him in such new light, that after being by his side for all these years, I wondered who he was and what he had become. I am honored to be in his life, to walk this journey with him, to be his partner. It made me realise what a privilege it is to be with him. It has made me appreciate the things I seldom understand and always questioned. It made me realise, that all great men make supreme sacrifices and do not show it even when they are bleeding. 

I fell in love, so deeply, that I felt the energy of this man even when I didn't see him. I realised that I didn't want to sleep walk through life and its decisions. More importantly, it has made me want to be courageous about myself.