so much for resolutions!

so much for thinking i want to write more often here..... the only thing i am doing more regularly than i expected was to eat smaller more sensible meals, walk atleast 20 mins a day, take the stairs and take care of my composter! not bad for a self confessed couchie like me!!

anyways... workwise things are slow...a few trainings a month is the way it is now...good for me because i am getting so much time to work on other things that dont cause stress... speaking of which .... i did a prog way back in dec when the client was so sketchy about the profile, reluctant to share anything about participant background, agreed upon an outline...and then sends back feedback that the participants felt it was too much to do everything on their own (it was a complete activity based prog) and that they felt the trainer didnt know where they were going to apply their learning!! absolutely right.... what were they expecting? a 60 slide lecture? i would have thought that everyone appreciated practical application...apparently not... anyways, the feedback took more than 5 weeks to come, so not that i am judging, but says a lot for how we like to work....i wonder if we are expecting life altering changes to happen with one day of training....what about unlearning 22-25 yrs of stuff....

i've begun to have a fairly good amount of enquiries for my urban gardening venture... i've completed a few and a few more in the pipeline...am excited...and apprehensive too....collecting material for a website and then take a call in 6 months time about a permanent shift....

i've spoken with friends, soul sisters and i realise that the greatest wisdom lies within me... a lot of them... are kind enough to tell me that i am admired for who i am and what i have achieved...and i just cant seem to take that at face value...i always feel that compliments are unreal and that i am unaccomplished!! take about paradoxes!! now all i need is a little more self belief... but isnt that what all of us are running after.....this is a work in progress for me....i wonder how people think i come across as confident, opinionated (in a nice way i hope) and courageous..... when all i keep hearing inside my head is that i am insecure, unsure and scared!! a soul sister said to me on chat the other day.... you wrestle with trouble and bury it into the ground.... we dont...the words she used may be diff cos i cant recall.... but i was amazed... it was like she was talking about someone else... i thank god for giving me the courage to do all i have... and if i have come across as a strong person... then that's a huge bonus!

i also cant make out if its a compliment when people say they are like me... just like me... or we are so so similar (notice the two so's) because i dont see any similarity in us.... i've not come across another woman like me....with the same convictions, beliefs and weaknesses.... so then how come they see us as similar?? generic similarities in choice of movies, clothes, decor yes... but otherwise? and not just me... i believe every human is different...and thats why we're individuals! the only person i think i am similar to is my mother.... i think i am becoming more of her as i get older.... my beliefs are almost the same... cos i think that's what our exposure has been to life.....physically i think i am more like my peddi.... i'm looking more like her... and ofcourse i have her temper!! and now that i am seeing my niece growing up.... i sometimes have a dejavu moment....she's way more talkative than i was at that age tho!

there's been a lot on my mind lately.... i prefer to be alone rather than with people.... ironically january has been one of the most active months for us socially! i fear i will again go thru the phase where i dont want to talk and be my usual energetic self that everyone expects from me now! its too much to explain why you want to be quieter than usual....so i end up talking and bouncing off walls anyways!! 

we're leaving to ahmedabad for a week tomorrow..... its been almost a year... i am excited as i want to do some sight seeing in the city this time... i've always wanted to... but never have... and hoping i wont go berserk with the shopping!

Shopping ...........

Every year, at Christmas, i give my house help a saree and some sort of a bonus. With the bandhs the whole month of december, i couldnt get this done on time. I have two ladies working for me, Renuka is the cook who makes our breakfast and lunch, she's been with me since for about 6 months, and Devi who does the other housework and has been with me for 3 years now. On christmas day, i just gave them cake and the special preparations and the bonus, and asked for time to give them the sarees. They got all giddy and giggly and said i can take my time.... i surely took them seriously!! Today after work, i set out to shop. I landed up at one of those huge malls within a store type of places.... to save me the bother of searching for something appropriate and finding many choices under the same roof.

i always face this dilemma when i buy stuff for them. how does one choose for someone who does household work.... what kinds of clothes would they like to buy /wear considering most of them manage with what they get as hand me downs from their employers rather than new clothes from the store....what colours should i choose... the ones i wear are considered dull and drab by them....what material....and how much should i spend....i dont want to give them something cheap, just for the sake of giving them.... but something that they will wear and feel happy in.... is this all too much?

i picked up a couple of those embellished sarees with all the sequins in it. (because i know Devi loves them)..then i moved on to another counter where i saw some "fake kanchi" sarees and felt they would be better suited in terms of maintenance and wear-ability and also since i took the sequinned route last year... i settled on three. (one for the lady who sweeps the corridors and stairs and also is my backup maid).... also bought a gold plated mangalsutra for one cos the one she is currently wearing is held together with more safety pins than chain.....and a set of 4 bangles for the other so she wont feel she got a bad deal....

i will present them tomorrow. Honestly i feel as anxious as any of the other times when i hope the gift i have chosen is well liked.....

oh and the coloured plastic baskets are for myself!! i had to pay myself a commission after all!! Also one hell of a soft blanket for K because he loves his blankets and the current razai is taking up too much space on our bed.... plus it was on discount!!

the sounds of silence

sometimes all i crave is silence around me... no yelling kids, no temples blaring hymns and chants, no loudspeakers, no police sirens, no opening and closing of the lift / elevator doors... nothing.... why is it so difficult?? i think i need to build myself a sound proof room...

a new year is upon us

so then..... 2010... sounds very posh to me...and i just hope will be better than 2009.... which like i said, somehow didnt measure up....what did you do for nye?? we stayed in...partied for 4 days with friends, food and 7 movies in 3 days.... i think i have piled on one kilo for each day!! for those who are interested in the details, we did a hawaiian themed party with fake creepers and flowers and a not so bad fresh fruit centerpiece made in less than 10 minutes...

no resolutions this year for weightloss health or anything else... i just want to be regular with my photoblog and concentrate on my pet venture which i will talk about later....

i want to see the taj and jaipur this year.... and eat at atleast 12 new places... that's one for each month.... lets see how far this goes....

K always says he cant get why everyone likes to pretend that 31st is somehow diff from the 1st of jan.... but i am not cynical... i think its a nice way to tell us we have a cleans late again.... so whatever your plans for the year... i am wishing you luck with them....have a good year ahead

The most important decade of my life

i just realised (thanks to all the status messages) that this is the start of a new decade....Its incredible, how something as this makes you want to look back... i realised this was the most important decade of my life... with the maximum changes and twists and turns I've lived through....Lets see.... in 2000 i became a post graduate with an enviable management degree, i had lived alone for the first time, gotten a job on my own merit, moved to 2 different cities, set up home, was personally shattered by a relationship, found the most incredible man.... somehow, this one year made me think life had come full circle!!

2001 started off pretty decent, we had a huge personal problem, i quit my work to take care of it.... i ran around courthouses and banks and police stations and realised there are more people wanting to cheat you than willing to help... my relationship with K was what kept me grounded and gave me solace....

2002 was personally the most tragic year... we lost N, Peddi and Nanna in 5 quick months...the devastation is something i have permanently tried to block out of my mind.... the only silver lining being that i began work with a telecom major which was to give me some of the most cherished friendships i still have and my brother got married....we ended 2002 hoping the next year would be a happier one....

2003 passed in a blur....i was courted and wooed with flowers and diamonds and the love of a man i am thankful to have found...we tied the knot by the end of the year...and despite all the drama... it was one wedding with the most amazing food ever! I took on the role of a wife, played house house and started to cook for the first time ever!! we bought our first (and only) car.

2004 made me switch jobs...break a rib and buy a house... buying the apartment was the most sensible thing we did...it was impulsive... but sensible...we lived on such less money that it wasnt funny, went through a series of maids, fretted over the sparsely populated area, began to travel to and from work by public transport and made my first trip to my in laws...i became a vegetarian......amma moved to bangalore with my brother and family....i cannot say i wasn't heartbroken, but it was for the best.

2005 made K switch jobs... i cant say i was very happy but it sort of laid the foundations for a whole paradigm shift in what he would later look for in a job.... i cant remember anything else from this year except we began eating breakfast in the car... this was the most tiring year....

2006 saw the repeat of the previous year....the same crazy timings and the tiredness....it also was the year when amma's eyesight began playing up and in quick succession she was left with permanent damage to both her eyes... she's a babe...and she as always took it in her stride and moved on.....i quit my job towards the end on a high note of good accomplishments.... i wanted to spend more time with amma and take life a little slower

Jan of 2007 made me an aunt with the birth of Rachel... my sugar pot...my brother's daughter.... she gave me a doze of surrogate motherhood and i will not say i loved it all... it terrified me and humbled me.....i turned 30....i also began work as an entrepreneur... i appeared on TV and was making more money through chocolates than i did through a regular job... i became a freelance writer... i started the cooking blog which was to change my life forever....we wanted to set up a restaurant and buy a coffee plantation but both of them didnt work out....

2008 came quickly enough.... we were debt free...paying off both the house and the car....K started work with another venture...did some significant work with writing his book...we made our first (and only) overseas trip to Maldives which will remain as a life changing moment for me...i juggled the writing, the training and the blog...discovering my deepest darkest moments with the highest most exhilarating ones....i began to work as a consultant towards the end of the year.....i rediscovered some friendships....

2009...  we saw the valley of flowers which was a long standing wish for the both of us.... we both started ventures which we hope will bring us one step closer to our dreams....its been a fast year... though i didnt do as much as i thought i would...i stopped obsessing with other's photo blogs and started one of my own....no significant milestones... just a consolidation of the life K and I have built together.....

2010-2020....i wonder what you hold in store for me.... bring me opportunities that push me to explore and display my best....keep me happy, strong and safe....