scared as hell

its amazing how easily life gets derailed....the last few weeks have been so hectic, tension ridden and sometimes lunatic that i have craved a "normal job, with normal work hours and a normal life" mom's been unwell and that has driven me up the wall...i have fluctuated nauseatingly between guilt, anger and helplessness...... guilt for i wondered if i was'nt sensitive to amma's low back pain for the two days before the full blown urinary infection hit her.....guilt because i wondered if somehow i had caused her to fall sick, because she wasnt in bangalore close to where her doc could see her and guilt that i had somehow not taken care of her....... anger because i didnt know which doctor, hospital and diagnostic centre to trust...didnt know if the reports had been fudged so we would be compelled to admit her to hospital as they had recommended.....anger because i was scared shit....and at my wits end..... helpless because i had so much work and deadlines that i was feeling dead at the end of each day, that i could get a full night's sleep cos i would get up to check on her several times a night...and helpless because its the only was i feel watching a parent be sick.... i mean they are the ones who look after us when we're sick as kids, they're the ones who know how to right every wrong...we believe they can make anything work, no matter how unrealistic the expectation is (rational thinking is something that age and wisdom gave me and i hate it.... i want to go back to thinking that my mom can make everything allright and fix anything...from a science project to a broken heart)

so when i was suddenly incharge of her and her health and well being, it was a responsibility that freaked me out....was i doing the right thing...was i taking care of her...was there something i had forgotten...is she getting better.,..why can't the phone stop ringing....why cant people get off my back and give me a rest...why cant amma get better and give me some respite!!

she got better...she had to....she's been singing my praises to anyone with half an ear...but i am just so glad that she's recovered...infact she's back in her element and her usual self...i am just to glad that she's well enough to resume her nagging!! hurrah!! just so grateful for the health she's been blessed with and so aware more than anything of these delicately intricate things called out bodies that we take so much for granted....love you amma....