Useless vanities

As I sit in the balcony this morning, enjoying the silence, a cup of well made coffee and the soft fur of my fluff ball that I have used to prop my feet on,I notice the colour of my nails is similar to his harness.

Yesterday after a particularly bad instance of I can't recognize myself anymore, I booked a salon at home appointment via an app. The beautician was late by an hour, rather clumsy and a little nosey but she threaded my brows and I got my nails painted a nice shade of red.

The last two weeks have been stressful with sage and his attacks. I'm living mostly on the support of online services that allow me to get most of my chores done while sitting next to him.

Today as I vainly look at my toes, I am filled with gratitude for all of this.

Why I take Monday's off

My busiest time of the week is the weekend at the studio. While I have a mixed demographic, weekend classes seem to always fill to capacity. I tried taking Sundays off. But the losses were too much to ignore. So now I happily work on most Sundays.

My father used to have Mondays off. He would wait for everyone to leave. Read the newspaper end to end, have the whole house to himself (which is bliss if you live with a large extended family like we did) and nap luxuriously after lunch, by which time the chaos would be back. He obviously loved it that way.

I may have inherited this. While we are a two person household, things get hectic during the week. There is constantly something to do and I really look forward to a day of silence.

Today is Eid, technically a holiday but k has to go to office and that makes me so happy 😂

I've just had a glorious breakfast of the excellent aloo paratha Sulochana makes, have curled up with my blanket in the guest room, sage is at my feet and this is how this day will progress.

Slowly and silently

things .... little and big things

Its 20 days into the new year 2016 and I still haven't had a chance to write about the year that went past. 2015 has been eventful to say the least. A lot has happened in this year and if you knew me in my previous avatar then you do know the intense internal pressure I feel to document atleast the highlights.... Here is where the most significant shift has happened. 

2015 was a year where I was addicted to the internet for reasons I know, but don't want to acknowledge. It was the year that I spent more time online, via my phone, telling myself it was solitude. I lied to myself repeatedly that it was down time and yet deep in my heart I called that bullshit. Not out of my own genius, but because I was so fatigued by the end of August of all the information I was consuming but was unable to process. FB, Instagram and twitter, three parts of my poison, of which FB was the most cluttered. Combine inane updates from more than 650 "friends", auto play videos and articles, likes and shares. Soon FB became the only bit of internet real estate I was consuming on an hourly basis. There was so much information - good, bad and insignificant and I had nowhere to process or use it. For all those wise people who were naturally able to see this and call off this before it became bullshit, I commend you. For mortals like me, it took so much more time. Till I began getting so annoyed with the people populating my TL and myself for mindlessly consuming it. It was like sitting on a couch in front of brain dead TV and eating through a 5 kilo bag of chips and wondering why you felt like you sucked on an oil slick. Yes I pare my friends list each month, I change and alter my privacy settings to filter my TL, but that is just a small step. Then there is instagram and twitter (which I still don't get, but I am hanging onto). 

Add to this a growing personal fatigue, in part because we hadn't taken a vacation in 20 months and forced financial goals that put a considerable amount of pressure on us. 

We took a vacation in october finally after a week when I snapped in my head, had a mini meltdown which as always ends in a puddle of tears and snot. It was one of the best vacations we've had. I felt calm and relaxed and most of our time was just spent reading and sleeping. For the first two days, K and I were so exhausted, we slept more than Sage who usually clocks about 16 hours a day! I felt no compulsion to photograph or document digitally our time and I have such few pictures from the vacation, it is shocking to me. I documented it old style.... with a notebook and I loved that experience. The shift was very refreshing and it reinforced the fact that everything that was actually important to me was with me in that moment. 

Blogging suffered as a result and my cooking blog saw such few recipe posts that it was something I was not happy about, but not enough to do something about. This space has always been my personal diary and except for a few instances this past week, it has remained just intensely personal where I write without grammar, syntax and coherence even. I use Social Media for work, but I am less inclined for now, to share too much personal stuff. There was an intense marriage of chaos and calm in my head and the clarity was a bulb aglow in the dark! hahaha

However in total contrast to the above passage, I need to tell you that one of the greatest and most intensely joyous things we did in 2015 was to purchase a farm, I haven't been able to write about it at all for all things silly and insane (ahem like the evil eye!). It has been a dream for K and me to have a space which is a green lung and offers refuge for us, the family and Sage to forget all our city worries and walk on wet loose earth. We began this journey in April 2015, scouting for something nice and I had the most beautiful advance birthday gift given to me in June with a sealed and signed deed. Cutting a long story short, we have built a really tiny and rustic cottage and rang in new years in a circle of love and a giant bonfire! I am excited to be growing vegetables and fruit and my heart can explode when I think of this gift. Also it usually ends in a pool of tears. 

I know that my documentation of the year and its events is my way of reassuring myself that I did good, that I did something significant in the year. In which case, the good and happy far outweighs the sad and annoying parts of 2015. 

In 2016, I want the shift to be from from counting my accomplishments to being able to feel gratitude for everything even if I failed, made an ass of myself and looked silly. At the end of this year, I want to look back with gratitude and grace. I wrote on instagram (I think) that 2015 was equal parts painful and fabulous and that I am carrying forward the fabulous. I hope I remember this when I am not feeling that courageous. 

Grace is not something I offer easily to myself and therein lies the real struggle for me. A recurring theme this week in my life has been grace. I want to  be able to give to myself what I so easily give to everyone and everything else in my life. 

Restraint

I wish I had practiced it. When every cell in my being told me to practice restraint, I wish I had. On the days when I yelled my lungs out at a guy who cut me off at a traffic signal, when I needlessly got emotional over leaving a job I hated anyways and cried my eyes out and literally gave the feeling that I wanted to reconsider my decision, on the day when I said more than I had intended to say only because I was overreacting....a million other instances where I allowed everyone and myself to tell me for posterity that I need to practice restraint. 

When you tell someone more than what you intended, and you reveal more than you wanted to, you see it so clearly in hindsight. When you should have just counted to ten, to speak, to yell, to write back, to return a call.

Hopefully the next time I will remember this lesson clearly and on time.... hopefully I will be less of a fool. 

Of re-training and enjoying it

I haven't posted much here. Not because I have nothing to say (that is NEVER the case with me) but only because I haven't enough time to say it. For those of you that follow the Escapades page on facebook, you will know that the studio takes up most of my time. What is left, gets rationed out between the resident dog and K, not particularly in that order.

I've fallen into a good routine and slowly but surely, I've become a regular working woman again. I never stopped working, but operating part time and from the comfort of your house sort of skews the picture for oneself and others. It is the sort of situation where you appear to be working/employed but aren't really 'going' anywhere, and so to the whole world and sometimes yourself, it appears that you aren't actually doing anything. This is a truly terrible state to be in. One, your work becomes the lowest hanging fruit and is usually dropped or abandoned when other tasks or issues come up. Hospital visits, guests, emergencies at home, shopping trips and such like. I say this because I know this happened with me a lot. Each time Sage's health is on shaky ground, parents need something or K is travelling, I rescheduled and work around the situation. This is exactly the kind of flexibility one looks forward to in the independent worker / part timer / own boss situation. And while it works well most of the time, it is frustrating to be constantly juggling and letting go of work if there are other situations that need your attention and time.  

When I was exclusively working from home, I often found myself doing work 'only' in the pockets of time that were free anyway. Free from chores, familial responsibilities and dog care. This in turn made me very frustrated and not to mention angry and crabby at times because I was spinning around in circles. I was not giving my work the kind of space and respect it deserved, and feeling very inept at handling my situation. 

This is not true for everyone. I know a lot of families and people who work from home have a better grip on their situation. 

Last year when I moved my classes from home into a studio, I had teething issues that I didn't account for. When I had a scheduled class, I realized, I would have to be at the studio at-least an hour in advance if I wanted to be ready when my students walk in. This in turn meant I had to get done with whatever I wanted to do, get dressed and show up at the studio. The luxury of prepping for class in the middle of cooking lunch or breakfast, getting dressed as I arranged my work table, and worst of all opening my kitchen pantry and pulling out an ingredient I needed did not exist anymore. I had to be well prepared for a class. Do my shopping ahead of time, plan and finish my chores, ensure I had all the stuff needed for a class at the studio AND be there an hour ahead. 

I will admit it has been a steep learning curve. I am a creature of habit. To change that habit and create a new one has been cruel. I've had a few terrifying days. Nothing that has killed me, but at that time I imagined it would. The mind shift has been the most difficult. To acknowledge that this is no longer a kitchen garden set up. 

For the last 6 months tho, the shift is very visible. Not just for me, but K and Sage as well. The biggest hurdle was Sage. With his epilepsy, it is a delicate state. I nursed him for 14 months without stepping out of the house unless there was someone else with him. He needed medication every 4 hours, he was clingy (medicine induced) and jumpy all the time and we were terrified of something happening to him if I so much as stepped out of his sight. I didn't have the confidence to lock him in the house for the time that I needed to be out and working. So everything got sacrificed. Couple time, movies, dinners with friends, gym, everything. If I had to step out, K had to be at home. With a demanding job that involves travelling, K being available to watch Sage wasn't happening too much and we regressed back into a time when he was a puppy and needed 24/7 attention. 

We began retraining Sage to be on his own for small intervals of time. I would lock him in, take a walk around my building and come back in 10 minutes. Supermarket visits followed and then I started running regular errands, going out for coffee or lunch with friends and K and I began accepting dinner invites and appeared to be lesser snobs!

The training has worked for the most part. The home and family have fallen into a routine and this is a good thing. I have my class schedule done at the beginning of the month so everyone knows what to expect. The maid too comes in and does her work without asking for much supervision. On days that I work, I leave home around 9:30 and am back by late afternoon, sometimes as late as 3, but I still get to give Sage his medication, have lunch at home and catch a snooze on lucky days. 

Mornings are super organised and efficient with the washing machine loaded and running even before I've had my coffee! And I must admit I like this more than anything else because it just sets the pace for the day. And when I come home completely drained after my class, I don't have to worry about what to cook or house chores to finish. 

The entire household now is oriented towards having me leave as per my schedule for the day. Including family who desist from calling me for a casual chat on work mornings. I am at ease and I work better without the niggling stress. I also come back home with a stronger feeling of control over my day and as a result of it my life!

So from a stay at home person, I am now a 4 times a week working person. On the days that I don't have scheduled classes, but need to work on orders or develop a recipe, I take Sage with me to the studio. He is ecstatic and loves me extra on those days. He sits around, naps and sometimes just walks into my neighbour's flat to be pampered and spoilt silly. 

I didn't realise it till a few weeks ago, that now I am working on a schedule and regimen akin to when I was fully employed. The only difference being I work through the weekend and usually try and take an off on Monday's. This hasn't worked out so well. I still end up doing some writing or baking for orders or other sundry work, but hey, every working person does this. None of us can claim to be fully cut off from work on off days. But yes, mentally  I am getting my one day a week off. 
I don't know if it is true for all women, but I know a large chunk of us get buried under our own guilt if we have to prioritise work over family life. I think its just the way we are conditioned. We are expected to sacrifice. If we don't, we are bitches, if we do we are push overs. Having said all of this, its completely upto us alone to figure out some working model. Each of us has one as unique as ourselves. What works for me will not for another. 
So far, this is a functional model for me and my household. I hope this good run continues!
What has been keeping you busy and occupied? Tell me, I'd love to hear your story. 

Day 7 ~ Technology

I am grateful for technology - mostly the internet and all that it brings. I am grateful that it forces us to practice moderation.

I am grateful for all the tools of convenience in the kitchen, to aid in housework and to communicate. That I am just a text or a call away from my friends and family. That I can be in touch with friends and share what I ate for dinner or what clothes I am trying on or just tell them I am pissed off at something with the click of a button.

For being able to know whats happening around the world in real time, for improving my world view, for the inspiration via the internet. For the thousands of food related blogs, websites, photo albums etc that help me in my work, allow me to fantasize and live vicariously.

Grateful that I get to work and advertise my work without having to move my behind out of my chair. For movies and TV programming and cameras and all the other gizmos that keep me entertained.

For technology that helps monitor health conditions, repair and recover I am truly truly grateful. 

Day 6 ~ Sage

Since this gratefulness exercise is not in order of preference, Sage makes an appearance only now. 

The joy of owning a pet is like nothing I can describe. They make you happy, sad, excited, anxious and crazy in a span of a few minutes. Sage to me is more than a pet. He has occupied a deep emotional space I didn't know I had. He has made me maternal, an instinct I didn't think I possessed. He is my constant companion at all times of night and day. He has loved me like no human being ever can and expects the world of me, but is satisfied with whatever I choose to give him. 

With his epilepsy, he has made me accept that no matter how good looking and perfect things look, there is always an unexpected and almost fragile part to everyone. He has made me patient, compassionate beyond what I thought possible and happy to just enjoy the moment. 

The gusto with which he eats, plays and simply sleeps has made me realise that I can slow down and enjoy these things. That one need not feel guilty if one wants an extra serving of food or love or sleep. 

Sage has made me let go of a lot of my territorial madness simply by sharing my living space, not sparing any cushion or pillow from his drool and messing up a perfectly made bed. He has also taught me not to take myself too seriously. 

It is difficult to write what I feel about this mad badly behaved pooch. But on the days when I am lonely, or sad or tired or have to sleep alone because K is travelling, I am grateful for this four legged creature that shares my life. 

Day 5 ~ Work

Grateful for the work experiences I have had. The ones in my corporate career and all its phases. 

The first job at 16, earning a pittance, but what taught me the value of money. 

The first job post my MBA which made me think I am fancy and then brought me crashing down to realise I was the only woman, there were no toilets and people really viewed me as a nuisance more than anything. It made me swallow my ego, really learn my job so that I could speak with authority and knowledge and remember how much more there was for me to learn. 

The period of unemployment very early in life. Which made me desperate for opportunities, respectful of my skills and taught me to value myself and the opportunities I was given.

My phase of customer service, where I had no idea why everyone was unhappy with me although I was doing everything correctly. I realised that I needed to develop and fine tune my skills AKA practice voice modulation. My boss RS who inspired me with his integrity and taught me that sometimes one makes huge sacrifices for standing your ground.

Moving to Corporate Training which made me humble, swallow my ego and embrace the fact that I didn't have all the answers. It made me realise I have boundless energy and I am like an energiser bunny when I am inspired enough. The thrill when people I have trained remember and connect with me 7-8 years after they've attended a session. The success I enjoyed as a trainer was the most in all my professional roles. 

The confidence to let go of a regular job to do stuff on my own - writing, blogging and other things like selling garments in a pop up bazaar, all of which paid the bills even when I didn't have a regular job.  

Discovering what 'Dignity of Labour' meant to me in a very personal way, when I began making chocolates to sell. That I value every pie I earn because it comes from the labour of my two hands has been an empowering and humbling experience. The freedom to choose cooking classes. The very twisted satisfaction I get every time someone looks at me with pity when I say that I teach cooking (because I am weird like that, and hello, internally I am smiling). 

The balls err OK, spine to open a full fledged cooking studio. I didn't realise what a huge leap of faith it was till people started complimenting the move.  

Work that gives me money, satisfaction, freedom and the fire in my belly to do more. Work that has taught me to value my skills and my abilities, work that has made me overcome so many fears. I am grateful for this journey, because I know not many have the opportunity to experiment like I do. 

Day 4 ~ Life

Yes, for the most obvious thing on earth ~ Life

I am grateful to experience this thing called life, its chances, its people, my fellow journeymen. The lessons it has taught me, the ones I remmeber and cling to, the ones I have forgotten.

For the brilliant chances and successes. For the utter failures - the ones I saw coming and the ones that gobsmacked me by surprise. For waking up every morning and having something of beauty to experience, a walk, a sunrise, a package, a hot steaming cup of coffee in absolute silence, an email from a reader, a phonecall from a classmate long forgotten.

For failures and the ability and opportunity to try again. For the resilience I have developed, for the joy and success. For everything this life has to offer and for the fact that I am consciously experiencing it, I am grateful.

For the love, laughter and fun times. The joys and successes, the friendships, the madness. The unending possibilities and the skies that I look at and smile. 

Day 3 ~ Friends

Where would I be without them? At every stage in my life, I have had at least one intense relationship with a friend. An all consuming one. 

Friends, from school, neighborhood, college, work and some I met off the internet. 

The ones from school, who taught me to be competitive, the ones who called me names and then reconciled, the ones who held my hand while I threaded my eyebrows for the first time, the ones I saw many a movies with, the ones who taught me telugu, insisting I speak it right, the ones I shopped with and didn't judge my sparse knowledge of fashion, the ones who grew up with me and helped me navigate rocky roads.

Friends of my late teenage years and early twenties, the ones I still am tied to. The ones who grew to be my soul mates, the ones I can talk to.

Friends from college, studying away from home, in a hostel for the first time, the ones I lived with.The ones who were my accomplices as we did stuff we don't want to acknowledge today :P

Friends from work, especially those who taught me how to use tact and be more subtle. The ones who are firmly entwined in my life even today. The ones I discussed work with, trends in our line of business and office politics. 

Friends from blogging, who seemlessly integrated into my life, the ones I speak to on an almost daily basis. For those of whom, even if I stop blogging, will always remain in my life. 

I've named a lot of them over the years in the posts I've written, but again here today, as I type this out their faces flash through my head. 

Friends teach you many things. They are the most accepting of who you are and don't judge you for what you become eventually either by choice or fate. They inspire and help and kick your ass if needed. They will keep your secrets and make fun of your hardest choices just to keep it light and real. I've had inspiration and energy from my friends, I have at various times drawn from their lives, their experiences and their convictions. I am always grateful for finding them. 

I spent today at a spa with two of my closest friends. It is an apt theme for gratitude today. 

Day 2 ~ Family

I'm grateful for my family. My parents taught me the value of education more than anything and perseverance. I think more than anything else, Amma has been someone who has showed by example. She's not one of the wisest people around, but her spirit is undefeated. She's taught me what steely nerves and grit are made of, and that they can be encased in the softest hands and the most genuine of smiles. 

I have imaginary conversations with my father, what he would be like if he was alive, what we would have talked about, and how proud he would have been if he saw me today. I regret not spending more time with him. 

Peddi who taught us table manners, soft spoken-ness, correct grammar and would whoop my ass if I was being an asshole. I am more like her than Amma, I even look like her and have her voice. 

My brother A, the mad sibling, the guy who is the male version of me. Emotional, irrational at times and a temper that matches mine. In a lot of ways, even tho I sometimes don't agree with what he does, in a strange way, I understand his point totally. We've had a see saw type of relationship... stuck at the hip and then ready to gouge each other's eyes out. Yet, if I had one person to pick to bail me out of anything, it would be him. And I know its the same for him too. We just need to speak more often. 

While the memories of my teenage and childhood are fading and I remember vividly just the major milestones, the biggest influence on me these past few years is my MIL. A woman who is atleast 50 years ahead of our times, she has taught me patience and resilience. She stands for being reasonable and is a source of quiet strength.

Cousins, extended family and everyone else. Fun childhood despite the very humble means, we made memories with whatever we had. Some of my cousins I retain a bond with, some I have vague memories of. They've all contributed to the bank of things I pull out and use from time to time. 

Day 1 ~ K

I am starting this year with a seven days of gratefulness exercise.

2014 ended with a bang! Quite literally I mean. We went to my friends B & J's for a party. The terrace was done up with fairy lights and candles, like a wonderland. There was great food, booze, no music and just a few people enough to have proper conversations with. Oh yeah Sage ran amok for a while and had to be seriously reprimanded.

After the party and dinner, on our way out, I was sort of fast trotting because Sage had a loo call and before I realised what happened, excruciating pain and immobility told me I was down on the ground, in a heap, in a rather ungraceful pose, because I fell with all my might and twisted my ankle. I was sure I had a fracture, I shuddered which doctor would be available at 3.45 AM on a new years day.

So what am I grateful for? K

He's my partner of almost 19 years, my best friend, lover and the keeper of my spirit. I usually forget how fortunate I am to have him to journey this life with, because I am so used to having him around. I am grateful I fell in love with him, his intelligence and his courage. I am grateful I married him because I almost didn't.

It is easy to see the warts and pick on him, like I wrote here. But on days like today, when I am laid up in bed, wincing in pain and wondering how the house and schedule of which I am the 100% custodian will manage, he steps in. Goofy face and troubled voice cannot hide his concern.

He helps me out of my clothes, into my night clothes, inspects my foot, puts on some pain relieving ointment, gives me some tabs, props my foot up on a pillow, tucks me in and asks me to sleep and it will be all better tomorrow he says. I want to scream, in pain, in embarrassment at my clumsiness, in anger and in sheer helplessness. He insists it is not a fracture that I am convinced of. And I want to scream back with "what would you know? It hurts so bad" but exhaustion takes over and I sleep.

When I wake up, he has walked the dog, fed and medicated him, made himself some awful coffee, ordered breakfast and asked our friends if they can bring over some lunch, with extras to last a few days because he cannot cook. through the day, he keeps the house spic and span, even cleans the kitchen and I wonder if this is the same slothful guy I've lived with all these years. He stays at my side, icing my foot, massaging it, putting on my sprain bandage and asking me to will myself to be better.

I take pictures and send them to all my friends on whatsapp. Poking fun at him, but inside, I am overwhelmed with the tenderness and love that he is showering over me. I am grateful for his care. I am grateful for his encouragement, for the way he talks sense even when enraged. Most of all I am grateful he chose me to be with.

The next time I am mad about a wet towel on the freshly made bed, I will come back and read this post. :)

The year in passing ~ its been a good 2014

Its the last day of the year and I have nothing but gratitude for this year. This post has been in my head and heart for almost two weeks and then as I made my coffee this morning I panicked that I wouldn't find the time to write before the year closed. So here I am, coffee cup in tow, trying to recall things from this year that I will come back to and fill my heart with when I need to. 

I dont really believe in resolutions that have to begin in the new year, infact my chosen day of the week to start something new is not monday, but tuesday. I think it is counterproductive to wait for a date or a fresh year to start something you really want to try or begin or go back to. If I feel strongly enough about something, a day, date or a week is not going to hold me back.

Such was the previous year, so tumultuous, that anything after that would have been cake walk. But for a couple of things, some very painful, this year has been all kinds of awesome. 

The year started well. Anything that would take away from my happy shiny disposition was discarded. I will remember January for the long beautiful morning walks with Sage and K and the pit stops for chai and some days samosas :). My best friend N was in India for an extended period of time and we spent some good time together. Sage was severely epileptic, K traveled quite a bit and I gave up my 'girls only' travel plans. 

The last day of January and the first week of February saw us take our annual family vacation to Goa. We needed the time off, we needed to be alone, to heal, to recover and to plan the year ahead. K spent a lot of time going back and forth to panjim because he threw his very expensive phone in the bathroom. It was catharsis in a way, because that phone was kind of like the last vestige of the previous year. But it was one of the most beautiful relaxing vacations we have had. I met my fellow food bloggers and explored the opportunity of doing a blogger meet later in the year. 

Once back in Hyderabad, I got myself a gas powered oven because my classes were in full swing and the power situation was so erratic. Most decisions in my life have been pondered over, stressed about and I think I am fully prepared and yet don't make the commitment, and BAM! something will happen that will shake things up so badly that I will have to react, respond and decide immediately. After months of saying yes I need to invest in an oven and I need to do a recce and all of that, a day before a very important class, unbathed I drove to the nearest kitchen appliance store and based my decision on which brand would deliver immediately. I bought myself a Glen 4 burner, oven gas range and I haven't looked back after that. I did have some post purchase dissonance, it took me a while to figure out the new functions, I had to send the fridge out of the kitchen to accommodate the new oven, but its been working beautifully and I love it. Best 24k spent ever!

The most significant part of March, was that the Escapades page hit 10K likes. It was a surreal moment for me as I sat in front of my computer refreshing the page, taking screen shots at 9999 and tearing up. For the journey of a few intense months, I couldn't believe what was happening to my venture. M my friend who IS (she made me edit this :P) my Entrepreneurial Partner hifived me virtually and we had a moment of silence to savour it. B came over and we played holi with the pooch. The heat was beginning to turn maddening and I was bracing myself for the summer months. 

April, with its heat brought the Indian General Elections into focus, no one, no matter how apolitical could escape the bombardment of campaigns, candidates and the general chaos. In a home that is mostly silent on issues, K and I could not help but have polarised opinions on everything :) We eventually could not vote because we didn't get our voters ID cards on time, but that hardly mattered to what was a watershed year for Indian politics. The state of Andhra Pradesh also was going through a traumatic phase with a split evident. I know that smaller states lead to better governance and all of that, but to be torn apart and live through the chaos till everyone finds their feet is very disturbing. The only thing that I spent all my effort on was my classes. I did a lot of them and felt good at the end of a super tiring day. Sage, even with his epilepsy, continued to be a darling and waited till I was hands free to have an episode even on days when I had 12 people to teach. Work-wise, I did a lot of reviews of restaurants and that meant a lot of food :D

I cannot remember anything that sets May apart, except for the mind boggling heat and towards the end of the month, again on a spur of the moment decision, I finalised a space to move my classes into. Escapades Culinary Studio was born, just like the first class I took. No planning and pondering, just a compelling force that pushed me. Amma was here, the house and family was trying to adjust to my schedules and the number of people that would come and go, but I felt it was unfair to ask them to adjust anymore. Meal times got delayed, Sage remained leashed for hours on end and the general demands on home and family proved to be too much. I remember the phone call with my now landlord, a flutter in my stomach and my heart pounding real hard as I negotiated my rent. I did all of this on my own, consulted no one, took no one's advice, just listened to my madly pounding heart.

The separate state of Telangana came about in June. The city was coloured a bright pink after the TRS which was the main party that campaigned for statehood. I was unable to decide if I was happy or sad. A tumultous couple of months would follow with no time to breathe. The meeting over a meal with food bloggers in Goa in february and the discussion over doing a blogger meet in August was taking shape. The studio was launched with a first class and I had to catch a moment to savour what I had created. I had a cup of coffee in solitude as I sent thanks for the energy and the courage to do what I was doing. We had a great first month and it was reassuring to have old students come back for more classes. I had a freak accident and tore a part of my ear off, got it stitched and didn't allow it to derail any of my plans. On the 30th of June we had Amma's cataract operation. Dr. Mandeep who has been her doctor for three years invested the time to study her case, reassure her and prepare her for the surgical procedure. MIL, K's mom was the pillar of support and courage for both me and amma. She spoke to amma, reassured her, encouraged her and even volunteered to take her for all her preliminary tests because I was tied down with Sage. Amma's operation showed me a side of her I always underestimate. She didn't rely on my help even on the day she was completely sightless. She managed her post operative time so well that it made me draw from her. She made a full recovery in a few weeks and can see much better now. 

I turned a year older in July, I spent the day with Amma and the doctor getting her check up done. In the evening, my friend B sent me a beautiful cake via my baker friend S. She replicated my life and studio on a cake, it warms my heart to be surrounded by friends and family who take the time out to tell me I am special. Planning the Indian Food Blogger Meet consumed most of this month. The painful brainstorming, treading on eggshells around people with egos more fragile than bonechina, and the determination to not allow my vision to be derailed consumed me. I spent every ounce of my energy to give direction and shape to something I had been dreaming of for a few years. I found a like minded collaborator, but working against the negative forces which were also part of this group tired me. On a personal note, I overcame a lot of personal demons, especially surprising myself with my ability to sell an idea to sponsors who eventually became collaborators. July was quite simply a crazy month for me. 

August 1-2 and was euphoric to say the least. All the hard work, planning, late nights, gripe and heart break was put on show. We had a fabulous meet even if I say so myself. I met many like minded, talented and simply amazing bloggers, a lot of who I admired from afar, some I call friends and a lot more I was meeting for the very first time. IFBM set a very high bar (no pun intended), engaging with the best from the blogging world, showing value to what had been just a hobby and more importantly not lowering our standards for anyone. Despite all the tiresome mind games and personality issues, the meet was a success. I didn't really bask too much in the glory of it's success, we had pretty good press coverage and yet, the vacuum that it created forced me to withdraw and introspect. The loss of energy was mind blowing, and for the rest of the month, I felt as limp as a balloon that lost its air, I withdrew socially and my classes and studio took a beating. I needed to disconnect from everyone and everything that I was forced to engage with. I needed time to restore my personal balance and center my energies. 3rd August also saw the death of a friend's mother under the most shocking circumstances. She died alone, sitting up and was found a few days later. It devastated the son, but affected me in a way I didn't think was possible. After the high of IFBM, this month and the next plunged me into depths I couldn't imagine existed.

September is always a difficult month, I lost my dad this month a decade ago and this year, I lived through the sudden illness and ultimately death of N's father. Uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and before our eyes, in three weeks he succumbed. I have been meaning to write about this and how I felt, but words fail me. I saw a man who faced death with grace and strength, who bore pain of a sort I cannot even imagine with the reassurance that his faith provided. I marvelled at his strength, I couldn't imagine a lesser person going through what he did. I saw him surrounded by his family and those who mattered the most. I couldn't help but relive my father's journey. The contrast could not have been greater. Uncle's death affected me in a very personal way, it gave me closure for my own bottled up decade old grief. I was drained, emotionally, physically and spiritually. For the first time, I was asked to speak at a funeral, I admit I choked up.

The only thing that kept me going was that I began baking commercially for a coffee shop. Walking to the studio, turning on the oven and getting to work really forced me to dip into all the strength I possessed and try and function normally. K made a long trip to China and Hong Kong on work. So for most part of the month I was left to myself. 

October saw my garden flourish for a brief while. I had an abundance of herbs, tomatoes and a few salad greens. We had a lovely diwali, first with K's family and later in the evening with J &B in their beautifully decked up home. I took my first festival hamper orders and it was nothing short of madness but I loved putting them together. On the personal baking front I discovered the joys of ready-made puff pastry. This was a month when I tried to get back on my feet and make sense of the last few intense months. 

November saw a flurry of activity around friends, meeting old ones and making some new ones. I did a fun fruit mixing event at a hotel and got a close brush with Page 3 folks of the city. Large scale baking orders kept me busy, along with the studio doing multiple classes. I made Kachi Biryani Hyderabadi style one afternoon and it restored my faith in my own cooking. My home kitchen was super busy with churning out packed lunches for K and I got a mild "The Lunchbox" feeling at times. K and I celebrated our 11th anniversary and like I always say, more better than worse. 

As the year closes and this day is almost over, I reflect upon this year. The year that I found and embraced myself. It has surely been a year of abundance. I took pride in all that I did, overcame my fears and set higher goals for myself. The many opportunities to do good work, challenged my skills and intelligence. The forced quietness made me appreciate all that I have ~ family, friends, Sage, my work and my independence. For the love and respect that comes to me when I least expect it. I want to savour this love and be worthy of the respect I have received. It inspires me to do a lot more than I have and makes me a better though quieter person. This road I have taken, this path I am walking on, feels scary at the same time that it fills me with exhilaration. Sometimes I hug myself, sometimes I look around for a familiar face or a hand to hold. I feel overwhelmed and challenged and loved and scared all at the same time. I am surrounded by people, places, ideas and thoughts that continuously inspire me and make me want to be a better version of myself.

For the year that lies ahead, I want to start with gratitude. And I most definitely want to move out of my comfort zone. And stay inspired

Thank you my dear readers for staying with me. Whichever way you choose to celebrate, may the year close on a blessed note. And the coming year should bring love, warmth and good health to you and your loved ones. 

Of this and that, but mostly K

Its been a while. Yes, far too many posts have been typed and left to die a slow death in the drafts folder. Far too many posts remain still in my head. I just popped in to say hello and that all is well.

The previously mentioned house help lasted all of 10 days and I was back to sweeping and swabbing. I got another lady to help in a few days and although she is as slow as a snail, she is sincere. That I can live with.

October with the exception of Diwali was a rather slow month for me in terms of my activity at the Studio. Classes happened, but not always with the energy that I like to infuse. I kept at it, because once I have people and they surround me and I am in my teacher's mode, something magical happens to me. I forget the bad mood, the aches and pains and tiredness, the angst with everyone in the universe and hunger even sometimes. I only want to give my all to that batch of eager beavers who are waiting for me to teach them.

On one of our long drives one night about a month ago, with Sage sitting in the backseat with the window open, K said something so different from what I am used to listening that I stopped in my tracks. He said, "you have something I envy. Diligence and a sense of responsibility and commitment which I don't have. Your passion is backed up by solid hard work. The money you earn comes because you work with your hands, each pie of it." In the 19 years that we have been together, this is the first time he has said something like this to me. When you have known someone for more than half your life, it is difficult I guess, to make observations which seem well thought out. One tends to generally go with the everyday flow of things, characteristics they have are slightly blurry from the near-ness. And mostly we focus on the niggling irritants much more than we need to. 

K also told me that if it were him, he would have thrown in the towel and said Fuck it after the third month. And here I was, years later still going at it. He told me that I put the work ahead of me and not my ego and that no matter what, I get up, get dressed and show up for work.

It is not that what he said sounded like praise to me and hence I liked what he spoke. If anything, I value K's opinion on most things, he does not offer a knee jerk reaction to anything.

So at a time when I was really pondering over the wisdom of the added burden of the studio, this came like a nice testament of what I was trying to do. I was energised and felt good again about my decisions.

Sometimes, it is nice to have a vote of confidence from people who's opinion counts. I have a lot of well wishers, those who regularly give me a few shots of confidence, who I call when I am down in the dumps, need to bitch with or just plain whine about my life. This was different.

When you spend so  many years together, there are almost no secrets. You are stripped naked, inside and out. One can second guess every move, every intent, call a bluff from 500 miles and press where it hurts the most. Most of the times, we use these secrets because there is nothing else to use. This day was different. I was grateful not just for the encouragement and praise, but for the fact that time had not dulled his perspective. He was still honest with me, only thing being I liked what spewed out of this honesty.

Lessons from IFBM

It's been over a week. Its in the past and it has been accomplished. I quite felt like Jesus Christ last week when the IFBM was finally over and I landed squat in the middle of loudly talking people inside an egg (An egg shaped lounger by the pool). I looked up to the setting sun over Bangalore and silently told myself "It is finished".

For better or worse, the project that I took up with a few others had been done, completed and seen through to the final goodbyes.

IFBM meant many things to me personally and rabidly to me as a blogger. Personally it was a challenge and I had fast-track lessons in multi tasking, project management, people skills and selling. There were other lessons too, but those are not as significant as these ones. The meet could not have come at a more busy time in my life. I had just launched the studio and with it came the ginormous anxiety of scheduling, planning, managing and conducting classes. K told me in not so uncertain terms that I was making a huge mistake. That I was taking on a project that would yield me nothing (monetarily) and yet suck out every ounce of my time and energy.

He was not wrong. But I was sure of what I was doing. I knew his warnings meant "don't come whining to me" and I didn't, almost entirely. The minute I would utter IFBM, he would give me the eye roll and I would stfu.

Amma had her operation at the end of June, and her prep and recovery took a lot out of me as well. She stayed independent and I got a lot of help from my MIL, but the anxiety and the post operative care were squarely on me and that drained me more than I wanted to admit. Sage could not have chosen a worse time to take his epilepsy up a few notches and while I know the poor bugger had no say in the matter, it came like a cluster and stayed there with days and nights of no sleep and added anxiety.

Personally I wanted to push myself and see where it would take out of me. I have seen a surge of energy and enthusiasm in me when the going gets tough and I was relying purely on adrenalin to see me through what intelligence, hard work and planning couldn't supply. I have never been this driven to prove a point, or make something work. I have always been the person to do a recce and abandon a project if it seemed too much work. The last year and a half have made me mentally stronger if nothing else. And I was determined to listen to everyone who mattered and had an opinion, but only follow my heart and do what I felt was right.

I've always shied away from sales. And IFBM pushed the envelope for me. From talking about the concept and articulating it to the people who formed the team, getting bloggers to participate and most importantly get brands and sponsors on board. I had a few moments of feeling like an insecure housewife with no exposure to the corporate world, I felt I would be called out for being silly and worse still - stupid. But that didn't stop me. Talking to potential participants, vendors, partners, brands and team mates, no issues - Bring it on.

I had a few very uncomfortable conversations (more on that later, in another post) all through the run up and even post IFBM. I had conversations that had me clutching at my heart while I had them, but I had them. I didn't let my personal threshold for comfort come between what needed to be done. I discovered that if I am sincere and honest, I can speak my mind and not care about the repercussions.

As a blogger, IFBM was important to me for the sole reason that I had this vision to create a platform that would not be dwarfed by any single or a collective of individual bloggers. Having been a blogger for over 7 years now, I still see myself as an outsider to food blogging for several reasons. I don't have an agenda for my blog. After all these years, that still rings true. Design, photographs, stats and PR clout still don't bother me. The blog is something I love writing, but it will never have a frenzied agenda. It has led me to several things, the most life changing being my studio, but it will never take over my life. I acknowledge the many beautiful and successful blogs, the ones that have been monetized and those that have crossed over to being other successful things like writers and consultants.

So when we conceptualised IFBM, I wanted it to be a platform for bloggers of all kinds to come and make their own, small, big, old, new, regular and not so, famous and the unknown. The platform has now been created and it was heartening to see the bonding amongst bloggers from across the country. They met as old friends. I met several people I have known and admired through their blogs. Some felt like long lost friends and with some I know I will definitely keep in touch.

Several times during the course of this event, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Doing something with a set of like minded people who display enthusiasm and energy is one thing. Circumventing fragile egos and self appointed experts who only want the spotlight is something else. Twice I considered pulling out. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had. For one, I believe I am not a quitter, for the second, this was a dream I had nurtured for so long and that alone made me want to honour it and not give up.

Becoming a solutions seeker was another important lesson learnt. Not allowing any situation or person to bog me down. And never ever talking down to myself.

At times when there was complete lack of clarity, I just listened to my heart. Some very important decisions were made as a leap of faith and they totally reiterated that taking those leaps were the best things to do. Aloft the hotel was chosen by one such leap and I am a richer person to have partnered with them. They made me realise what passion, focus and humility to accept any kind of work would result in. They humbled me with the trust and belief they put in the event I represented and made me aim for much more especially at times when there wasn't much support coming through from any other source.

The sessions turned out to be value giving and I was happy for that. As a trainer and as a person with a very low threshold for failure and high personal standards, I know that the content needs to be worked on for the next time. While there were a few things which went awry, most of the event went very well and as per schedule. The ecstasy on the faces of the participants was testimony to how much they enjoyed it.

In the end, all those fears were put to rest and we pulled off a spectacular event. The press coverage has been kind and I have had to turn off the notifications on FB to stay sane after a couple of days!

I have a mile long list of things that need fixing. I didn't bask in the afterglow for very long because there was just so much physical and mental debris to clear out. After holding myself in high energy and alertness over 4 days, I had a sudden overwhelming wave of fatigue hit me. In one stroke, my body felt like lead and I advanced my ticket to return home. I could not have trudged through another day without burying my face in the fur of my puppy. As I boarded the flight back home, after an argument with the airline for excess baggage (20 kilos!) and stone cold idlis, I realised, for better or worse, I had done it. I had stayed the course and managed to put the result of something much larger than myself before me. It was finished…. I was free to go back home and play with my puppy and sleep and eat like a normal human.

I came back home with a raging fever that lasted 1 full day. I realised how much physical and mental bandwidth this event had taken out of me. But I was very pleased, that it didn't scare me, that it didn't get the better of me and the results were there for everyone to see.

If there is one very important lesson I learnt from IFBM, it was never ever to lower my standards for anything or anyone. To always stay focused on what is important. There will be many things that come as irritants, acknowledge them, but don't allow them to hijack what you set out to achieve.

In another time and day, I could have never done this. I was grateful for the support of R. For the voice of reason and non stop ear to my rants, we formed a formidable pair and it was nice to see that passion in another person. I drew from her strenght as I hope she was able to draw from me. Valuable lessons learnt, but importantly meaningful relationships strengthened.

The state of affairs

Waking up, going through the motions of the day and sleeping at the end of a relentlessly tiring day has been the new normal in my life for the past few months. 

There has always been a flurry of activity, some that happens, some self created which keeps me on my toes. I have always been the one day batsman. Try as I want, I can plan, but the doing mostly comes in the last minute. I have always been like that and I now accept that things will fall into place without a compromise on quality only on the last leg of anything. The acceptance has made me calmer and a better person. I do not remain in an agitated state and do not keep constantly comparing the current state of affairs with a supposed set of ideal timelines and accomplishments.

That doesn't mean I don't panic, I do. Sometimes the panic is because I have lost track of time and date (yes, happens all the time) or the panic is induced because someone else is panicking and this has happened several times over the last few weeks. 

The IFBM as we are calling it is a first ever Indian Food Bloggers Meet, which is happening in Bangalore on the 1-2 of August, could not have come at a time when I was busier! When we planned it in March, I thought it would be one of those soirees that will include a few other like minded people and it would be hectic, but pleasurable and I would come away from it, getting to know a few bloggers well. Turned out to be one circus, and it could not have come at any other time in my life!

I have been unable to sleep, because of a Damocles sword hanging over my head, I have woken up with heart palpitations because I imagined  we were already on a Friday when it was just a Tuesday. At other times, I have been unable to prep for my classes till the morning of the class because I have been busy with something to do with the IFBM or that Sage has had another seizure episode and I have spent all my time with him. 

When I embarked on this IFBM journey, the first naysayer was K. He told me it will completely take over my life and I cannot afford that because I have just started the studio. Either I put it down to his general naysayer nature, or I really didn't estimate the cluster chaos that  I was to encounter. If I am honest, it is the second one. 

Not one day did I think that this would take every ounce of my energy, my mental bandwidth and my spirit. This has been one of the most stressful projects that I have undertaken. Not just because of the nature of the work itself, which is demanding, but the people I am working with. Passive aggression is no good, it accomplishes nothing positive, but drains you physically, mentally and emotionally and that is just something I could have done without. 

There are lists and things to do and deadlines to meet. This whole event, which started as a meeting of a few like minded bloggers has snowballed into an event much larger than any of us expected. With the organic growth came the list of things to do for the sponsors and partners and participants came work and lots of it. Some of it got sorted, some of it didn't. I've tried as best as I possibly could to get stuff organised and done. Working from different cities has also meant that we need to rely completely on what everyone else is doing. Coordinating schedules, fitting in sessions, dealing with multiple sponsors and 

For my bit there are days when I feel exhausted with just the talking and somedays when I am so energized that I dont care if I haven't eaten, slept or bathed either. 

Things are falling into place slowly.While I've never doubted that I could pull this off, I didn't honestly think it would grow this big. I started off with the least clout and contacts in this group and I am happy that I didn't give up and pulled my weight and brains behind stuff that mattered. 

A few days ago, we had on hand what I can only term as a 'cluster#uck' some quick consultations with a partner later, I pulled off something that I have been too afraid to do - sell an idea to someone.

All my life I have been so afraid of sales. Many times in my career in a 'regular job' I shied away from any people facing work because I felt I didn't have the skill or the temperament to do it. Life is a full circle. I am realising that more and more. It comes back to tell you that nothing that is impossible is actually that and every belief you held close to heart like the gospel truth will be shattered.

Firstly in my training career and later as a teacher of cooking and baking, there are only people I meet everyday. And I figured that the success of my venture has been only because people are buying a part of me over and over again, which means I don't suck at sales!

With the IFBM, every ounce of my skill set is being used and I am glad it is getting aired out and sharpened. This has been as much a humbling exercise as it has been confidence building.

I have been writing this posts over a week. and each day it gets better and bigger. I currently just want friday to be here and see what's in store....

The women in my family, and the lessons I learnt

I wrote an emotionally charged post a few days ago on Escapades. I wrote because I was overwhelmed with what was happening around me. I wrote because I was worried like never before about Amma's impending surgery for her eye. I wrote because sometimes I have no where else to go and no one else to talk to. I wrote because a lot of times, when I am quivering with fear or anxiety or uncertainty over a decision I have made, no one bothers to ask me if I am ok or need anything because it is assumed that I will handle things. 

The post is about Amma mostly and how I see her as a different person today. I wrote this post where I said I never thought of her as a professional and would always wonder why her students thought the world of her. She was not overtly ambitious (a trait I have inherited completely) but whatever ambition was there was thwarted by so many familial responsibilities that I doubt she had time to think of what she wanted in life. She went from day to day, executing her duties and trying to stay sane on tough days. 

Amma was the second daughter and one of four siblings. Her older sister and she were less than 2 years apart and almost like twins. They were chalk and cheese, but stuck together till my aunt passed away in 2002. Amma was the talkative, gregarious one. The one who would win any argument and fight for the sake of the fight. She was the only one of her siblings to move away from the family and study and subsequently work in a different state for many years. The friends she made in college are still her friends almost 55 years later. This woman, gave up a Ford foundation scholarship to study abroad because she had to come home and complete her familial responsibilities. This was perhaps one of the defining decisions of her life. That she would continuously and compulsively put the needs of others before her own. There are several instances of this through her journey.

My Aunt, mother's older sister was an unmarried lady. She lived with us. I could not make out as a child who my biological mother was. Parenting was shared. The house, chores and clothes split and even now, one large part of Amma is missing because of the loss of her sister. She was a librarian, she encouraged us to read, enforced table manners (no chewing with mouth open, no elbows on the table, and definitely no talking with a full mouth). She never married because she was the oldest of four siblings and had a huge financial debt to pay when her father passed away. She decided to sacrifice her life so that her two able siblings (the fourth sibling was blind) could marry and enjoy family life. The one she intended to marry remained her life long friend until his death.

I look around and realise that she is not alone. Being single was not uncommon in their family. On both her paternal and maternal side, there were/ are several ladies of the family who were single. Some never married because the one they wanted was not approved of by the family, some had responsibilities to fulfil, some reasons are unknown. What is remarkable is that no one ever made a big deal out of it. We were never sort of prepared to shed all of ourselves, our personalities, our families for the sole purpose of being someone's wife. I cannot remember a single utterance to me as a child or as a growing girl which implied - do this, else you will be useless for marriage.

The children in the family are encouraged to study. It doesn't matter what your gender is. Most of my grand aunts, aunts, cousins are all post graduates at least, if not more. The chosen professions were medicine or teaching. We are a whole family of women in the medical field, mostly as doctors and so many kinds of teachers, my own mother being a professor and yours truly is definitely a teacher of some sort. The emphasis on education begins early, but is not drilled into a competitive sort of place. Rather, we are very subtly told repeatedly that there is no question about being financially independent, which is where education will help.

The women have lived their lives on their terms. Made decisions that were bold and benefited either themselves and / or the family. In most cases, they have supported the men and women of the family. I have aunts who went abroad for higher studies in the 60's, adopted children without being married, changed cities, jobs, had companions they lived with who they never married, had non traditional families with extended families and sometimes friends being living companions and walked out of abusive marriages twice over. I have never once heard anyone in the family tell their children - male or female to stay in a relationship that was not respectful.

There is no dearth of women role models from within the family. Everywhere I look, there are strong independent fearless women I see. Women for whom, no job or responsibility came with a gender qualification. These are not bra burning feminists. These are quietly effective role models. These are people that an impressionable 6-8 year old would look at and know that unconventional life choices were fine as long as your self respect was not threatened. These were role models who lead by quiet example and showed everyone around, including their children, how one can be independent, strong and responsible, without being abrasive. I never once questioned my abilities or my self worth based on my gender. Infact, my paternal family which was diametrically opposite of my maternal, with most of the women being minimally educated and stay at home wives. At each interaction, at each instance, gender profiling was brought up. In my case, I was always told silly things which now I feel could have seriously dented my self esteem especially as a child. Stuff like I needed to grow my hair, talk less, wear feminine clothes, study less (where to find a groom that was more qualified than you?) so that I would be a suitable wife.

My mother ran her house and managed her family with what she thought was suitable to her and for the convenience of the family and never by what standards were set out by society. I am glad for such an upbringing. I am glad that we were taught by example and not lecture. We were never coerced into decisions, but rather everything was reasoned and then the decision was left to the individual  to make, and then the choice was respected.

So when I am tempted to play damsel in distress, these are the strengths that I draw from. I am putting down one more life defining part of my upbringing and giving gratitude for it. 

A month of eventful things

Mostly good, some anxious, but by now I have realised "that's the way it rolls"

June 2014 will be memorable for many things. The most important being that I took a huge step and took off the safety net that is my house. For those of you that follow my shindigs on FB where I am hyperactive, you do know that I have an exclusive space to call my own. Escapades Culinary Studio as it is now known has moved from its protective home set up to an actual studio. My classes, were conceived and was born via my Cooking blog. I didn't think too deeply when I was looking for a name for my blog, neither did I give much thought to the URL. I just went with the flow and in less than 2 minutes, decided that my chocolate making classes would be an extension of the blog, since it started there. I just called it Culinary Escapades and was done with it. 

After a few fits and coughs, in August last year, the classes gathered steam. I was done treating it like a hobby. I was ready to invest more into it. Read all about my story and the journey here. Once I signed the lease for the space, it took a month to get things started at the Studio, purely because of my various niggling health issues. 

June began with the trepidation of having started something I am excited and nervous about all at once. It is one thing to follow your passion, it is another thing to stand beside your work with seriousness and invest more than just time in it. Suddenly the passion needs a name, an address, a scorecard, a performance report and a balance sheet. 

Yesterday I closed classes for the month at the studio. It has been an interesting time. So much to learn and so much to do better. I realise now how much I took having the convenience of operating from home for granted. Setting up and doing a class in the studio is fabulous. I do not worry about trampling upon my private living space, I don't have to worry about taking 30 minutes longer with students and encroaching meal times for family, but I also need to be super well planned and set up because there is no home pantry / supplies and cutlery to dip into :)

In between the classes, Amma decided to go back to Chennai. She is under the care of a very compassionate doctor in Hyderabad for her eyes. Being one eyed and that too partially sighted, we take very few chances with the state of her eyes. Just before she left, the doctor asked for a full check up and found that she had to undergo surgery at the earliest for her eye. It is a cataract, but given her age and her already damaged sight, it is very important that this is done with utmost care, precaution and precision. So tomorrow she will be operated and while we are all anxious, we are also very confident of the skill of the doctor. Amma has had a week to prepare herself and I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for the support of K's parents. Especially my MIL has been a tower of strength and confidence, not just to me, but Amma as well. In fact for all the preliminary tests that had to be done, because I was stuck at home with Sage, MIL volunteered to take her and got everything done. Her quiet reassurance is something that I am eternally grateful for. 

Last sunday, in a freak accident at home, a part of my right earlobe got ripped off. I was lying down on the bed, talking to my mom and K's mom after a family lunch, and my earring got stuck in the band of my finger ring. Before I knew it, my ear lobe was hanging and it was all quite gory. I had the courage to simply unscrew the dangling earring, wrap a towel around my ear and jump into the car and drive myself to the casualty ward of the nearest hospital. After some shoddy first aid, I was sent back home. I went to another doctor to get it stitched up the next day. Blocking out the pain and not thinking of the gore has certainly helped. I had a class the very next day and I decided that nothing would stop me from finishing it as planned. 

One of the things I have learnt in the past year of taking my work to the next level is to persist and persevere and be committed even when the odds are against you. Nothing gives me more satisfaction or boosts my confidence as getting through a tough day with bonus points. 

As I look back on this month, which has not yet ended, I am happy with how it has panned out. There are so many more things to do and I am no longer worried or intimidated by any of it. 

And to end this, a picture of the boy who helps me keep it real and tells me to chill out.... he never takes me seriously and gives me sharp raps if I get heavy headed :)