Breakfast Stories

We were on holiday recently and travelled for the first time with two other couples k works with. We have in the past enjoyed travelling with friends multiple times, but this was the first with these folks.

These are people I know. Folks I meet and have eaten with, multiple times, over the last 6 years. We have visited each other's homes and socialized to celebrate occasions and sometimes just like that. Yet I didn't know what to expect from the trip. It's one thing to meet people for a few hours every few months. It's a completely different thing to stay with them and be with them over the course of a few days.

While I mostly enjoyed their company, the majestic palace hotel we stayed at and the general chatter, I loathed meal times. Suddenly the dining table became a no holds barred advice giving forum. Advice on what to eat and how and why and when by the two ladies who are extremely health and diet conscious (read stick thin). Each time someone reached for a waffle or ordered Puri bhaji, there was a five minute discourse about how unfit the rest were and what wrong food choices we were making.

I'm a fairly rational person. I understand when people  dish out well meaning advice  But there is a limit to the mumbo-jumbo I could listen to from ill informed people bent on making my long pending three day holiday into a 'correct your eating habits' workshop.

So I did the next best thing, thanks to early rising with Sage that's become a habit, I quickly began going very early and ahead of everyone to have my coffee and breakfast in peace. We are talking waking around 5:45, walking an hour and heading to breakfast by 7 a.m when only the staff is around and they're still setting up for service. I can manage every other meal in chaos and tune out the noise, but I need my coffee and breakfast in absolute peace, preferably eaten in silence.

                                                       

This arrangement worked to prep me for the rest of the day shared with other adults and a few kids and gave me enough time in the company I enjoy the most - mine. 

How do I want to remember July?

I started to write this two weeks ago.......

Its already the second week of august and this year is flying at a speed I cannot keep up with.

Mostly the only bright spot about July was my birthday, which I got to spend with my friends that are my family, eat a lot of food and drink till my liver protested.

The work month was not as impressive as I wanted it to be, but it was not bad either so I will settle mid way.

Sage had a couple of seizures during the month and that threw me off quite badly. He is being brave and tries not to be a pain any other way, tries and recovers as soon as possible, but throw off it does.

There are a bunch of dogs in our colony, they wander around, mostly one family of a pair, their 5 offspring and 4 drifters, single dogs that sort of live on the fringes of the pack. They are welcomed when convenient and the first to be targeted when one from the family is having a bad day. All of them have names they respond to and are generally friendly. There was this spritely pup, black with some white on all four of his legs. I christened him boots. He was adorable, came on command, played like a pesty younger sibling with sage and was precocious. Suddenly he disappeared and I was told three others taken with him by the municipality. I called the dog pound and checked and fought till they were located and dumped back in our colony 5 days later. A week after they came back I noticed some of the dogs weren't around and the local auto drivers told me that two dogs had died over the last few days and the municipality had taken them away.

Boots was never the same. He was quieter, rapidly losing weight and didn't want to come and play. I dont feed the dogs, just watch over them and manage them when they are sick and need a vet. I checked and put him on saline for 2 days, he seemed to recover, and then suddenly one morning on my walk, I was told by the nearby tea vendor that he looks very very ill. I rushed to find him, almost cold, laboured breathing and smelling bad. I picked him up and wrapped him in a thick towel, brought him home and called the vet who asked me to come at 10 as he was in surgery. It was 8 am. I tried to give him body warmth and glucose and will him to be better. He pushed his head up and acknowledged me, but his frail body couldn't take it anymore and after an hour, as I had him on my lap, Boots just died. As the tears flowed down my cheeks, I said I was sorry for not doing enough and letting him down. I put him in a box and got him buried.

I couldnt get over what had happened and I clung to Sage that day.

A day later I began to notice that Joy, a pup from the previous litter, a white speckled fellow with a brown head, he was always so happy and would run to me and hit me with all his body weight, was losing weight rapidly. I took him to the vet who suspected it was distemper and said most unvaccinated dogs get it if in contact with an infected dog. Boots and Joy most likely were exposed to an infected dog when they were taken to the pound. Joy was on saline and anti biotics to help him and I was feeding him thrice a day for strength. 4 days of this and he greeted me feebly and I picked him up, he was a tall hound like fellow, nuzzled him and told him I was so happy to see him recover. Just when I thought he was out of danger, he deteriorated and in 24 hours was skin and bone, with a severe chest infection and having mild seizures. I put him in the car and on the way to the vet he had a massive seizure. He came out of it in 2 minutes but was bewildered. When I showed him to the vet, he said there was no hope and that joy would die within 24 hours and was in great pain. I asked for him to be euthanised to give him some peace. I sat there with Joy on my lap as he passed into a deep sleep. We buried him on the ORR at a spot where his lifeless body would not be a risk for other strays.

I also had Popcorn with me in the car. A dog I rescued from a pack that was attacking him, but could not keep. One building in our colony agreed to allow him to sleep inside the gate and I feed him once a day. Popcorn also was picked up with joy and boots despite having a collar and I was worried sick he was infected too since he was losing weight and was so weak his feet were buckling the last few days. So had taken him with joy for a check up. The vet said we cannot be sure, but gave him saline and a few shots of antibiotics.

K told me that in all of this, I didn't once worry about exposing sage to the infection. I was terrified for both popcorn and sage. We procured the testing kits and fortunately both popcorn and sage tested negative. most dogs with distemper die out of secondary infections that make them so weak that they are too tired to look for food and in the end it is starvation. So popcorn is now on a 4 times a day feeding schedule. I give him pedigree, boiled eggs and milk with glucose added. Its been a week and he seems to be gaining strength and I am happy about it.

The end of july also brought the bad news of the passing of an old friend who used to help me and amma with our taxes. A nice simple unassuming guy, just died of a massive heart attack and that was such a shock to me.

The month wasn't the best in terms of personal stuff and I hope and pray that the worst is behind us. I want august to be better....

For Frankie and Maggie

Maggie and I met on our respective morning walks. She with her pint sized French bulldog Frank and I with Sage in tow, my giant drooling golden. The dogs inched forward, Frankie was about 1/5 of sage in size, I asked if he was friendly and she said yes, so we met mid way on the street. 

The dogs sniffed each other in every orifice, Frank promptly got onto Sage's back and tried to dry hump him, Sage just sat there with a bewildered expression on his face. 

Maggie was in India because her husband came here with a job, she taught yoga and is Polish. We both had our lives wound around our dogs, compared notes on how people thought we were crazy middle aged, childless women humanizing our dogs (which we were in a way), walk routes, vets, silly dog habits and everything else similar to what bus stop moms would talk about. 

Our routines changed, we saw less of each other, or more of each other on facebook. She swung by the studio a couple of times, with home brewed limoncello her dad made in Poland and we did shots, I was in the middle of a large baking order and was positively pissed drunk by the time I did the final coating! We had lunch together once when my mom came to stay. We always made plans to meet other than on our walks but most of the times it never worked out. 

We once rescued a dog hit by a car on the street and rushed it to hospital. We had different names for the same dogs we met on our walks. Some days we would stand chatting for an hour while Sage pulled at me to go back home for his feed and Frank would be restless to go home too. 

Today Frank died. He had a sudden bout of sickness three days ago, it was diagnosed as a possible severe ear infection or a stroke. He was given some medication and saline but was sent home. M was just getting home after a month of teaching yoga in Goa and came home to this. Yesterday he had partial paralysis and by this morning he was gone. 

The whole of last night, I was restless. I was in touch the minute I came to know he was unwell and M said they were doing all they could. I asked if I could be of help but didn't want to hover. Yesterday when she told me he had a stroke, my heart sank. I clutched Sage close and asked him to send positive vibes to his friend Frankie. Several times last evening I kept telling K that I was worried for Frank. This morning the minute my phone rang, my heart pounded. I knew it was over. 

M asked if Frankie could be buried in our farm and I said yes ofcourse. I got his grave dug in a corner of the plot between two trees. We made the long and sad journey to lay him to rest. 

When M and R took out his blanket to wrap him in it, Sage pounced on it and wouldnt let go, growling at all of us who were trying to retrieve it. We had to show him Frankie for him to let go of the blanket. 

We put Frankie to rest with his favourite toys and stick and blanket and bed. Kissed by him mum and dad and surrounded by a few of the people he loved. I cannot even begin to imagine what M and R are going through. 

The loss of a pet is devastating, especially when it is humanized into a child of sorts. All your parenting emotions are channeled into the pet. They become human, they talk to you, they understand you (or atleast that is what we imagine) and a world with just the two of you is built. But to have no way to process your grief via a funeral is particularly difficult. We buried all our dogs in our old house and I couldn't think of not having a resting place for them. my heart stop sometimes, when I think of a similar journey I will have to make one day. 

M said he would love it there, it is quiet and peaceful with lots of birds and trees and flowers. She said she was very grateful for what we had done by allowing her to bury Frank, but that is the least I could do. 

If I was in a situation like hers, I know I would have a friend who would do the same for me. I hope he rests in peace. 

December Grace

Its been a hectic month. After a couple of months of taking it easy with the studio, December is a month I was determined to go full throttle at work. Festive season is here which means that the baking classes pick up. I also had a friend come over and bake with me. She was to donate some goodies to charity and I offered moral and logistical support. Had a fun day baking, was a different experience for me. 

The planning with work and managing the home has helped immensely to take the pressure off me. I have begun to do laundry just twice a week instead of everyday. I even got my recipe guides printed way ahead of time this month and I cannot tell you how much that has helped. 

Sage has started to understand now that he will spend periods of time without me. He keenly and sulkily watches me as I dress to go out or for work. He doesn't like it, and if I have stayed out too long I do get the odd bite on my wrist, but he has settled (touch wood).  I have also begun to tell him he has to sit in the car without panicking when I stop on errands, I leave the window 1 inch open and dash back in less than 10 minutes and he's been fine. It eases a lot of pressure now that he has this down as a practice. Otherwise it was one made run around of dropping him home, settling him down and heading out again for small errands. It's not ideal to leave a dog in a locked car, but this will have to do for situations I cannot help. 

K has been busy as always. On one occasion he had to be part of a conference call with colleagues from the car itself as we were returning from somewhere together, what began at 12 pm went on till 7:30 PM. The guy ate his lunch, took loo breaks and tea breaks all while the call droned on and on. I cannot explain how bad I felt for him. It was draining and utterly boring to say the least. And he tells me this is how it is at least a couple of times a week. As for me, after a few hours, I did feel like I was locked in a room with a TV channel I couldn't change. Mind numbingly boring and to hear voices droning on and on is terrible!

The devastating floods in Chennai was a large part of my month. My Mom and brother's family fortunately were safe and they almost felt guilty. I saw the frenzy and wished I could do more than just RT calls for help and relay information. There were groups of people organising help and relief materials and very spontaneously I asked a group in Hyd how I could help. Due to the presence of a large number of ladies in the relief camps, there was a dire need for sanitary pads and underwear for them. I decided that food and water was coming in plenty and raised money specifically for this. In less than 48 hours, I was able to raise one lakh from friends and donated the material that was needed. I felt so blessed to be able to help in this small way and realised I have a tremendous amount of goodwill. 

Not everything was calm and composed though. After 5 days of not being able to make any contact with K's dad's youngest brother, I sent out an SOS on twitter. The area the 60+ couple live in was one of the worst affected and online updates spoke of 9-10 feet of flooding. I sent out an SOS on twitter and a good Samaritan waded through neck deep water to check on them. The couple had 4 feet of water in their first floor apartment and my uncle fractured his foot after a fall wading through water, but were otherwise OK. Some really tense moments for all of us there. 

With this kind of busy, I am largely focusing on the important. Yet at the end of a long day when I lay my head on the pillow, I am unable to shut out a few thoughts, that are haunting me. I can't seem to make sense of some things that have happened.  For now I have just decided to let things beyond my control just be.

My dearest friend B turned a day older and she flew down from Bangalore to be in town just for dinner (Pretty Woman style). We went out for a suitably celebratory dinner and I even dressed up!

I finally saw Bahubali and actually liked it. We've been going out quite a bit since the last few months.

My friend U decided to turn producer for a short film she's producing, it's going to be online content, and I sent her a token amount because I told her I would like to be a part of everything she does. She sent me kisses!

December has been all about the things most important ~ family and friends who are like family, work and the love of Sage. 

Loss

This week in a shocking turn of events, a friend of mine passed away. He was 39. A year younger than my brother. They were classmates. Our families knew each other for two generations and he was an integral part of my teenage years. 

At a time when one is still discovering oneself and navigating those confusing teenage years S came into my life and became a very close friend. For a couple of years we were inseparable. Every evening he would come home and we would hang out. Talking sometimes. Sometimes just sitting in silence. I was a bridesmaid  at his sisters wedding. When he finally left to the USA, which was a long cherished dream of the family, I wept at the airport like I was going to die. It is embarrassing to say the least now as I reflect upon the past. Everyone including his mother and sisters were more concerned about me rather than their own emotions that day. 

He lived in Chicago. On a temporary visa that made him ineligible for a regular high paying job. And like most illegal immigrants he worked multiple low paying jobs to get by. His multiple page letters were my companions through college. And I received indulgent gifts each year even tho he would have struggled to buy me those things almost two decades ago, some of which were about 100$. I still have the clothes and curling iron he sent me. 

Slowly life took over and we lost touch. He was a part of my fond memories and I kept getting news through his sisters. Life had not been kind to him or he was an emotional fool. One bad relationship later. He had a paper marriage to gain citizenship. Yes S was the guy who would do all that it takes to find a solution. Once that was taken care of, he married for love. Only it wasn't meant to be and apparently the breakdown of his marriage left him hurt, broken and heavily drinking. 

All through this, we didn't meet or speak. The last I saw him was four years ago. We met for coffee. It was an awkward meeting where we were politely trying to fill the gaps and tell each other the socially acceptable pieces of our lives. 

I knew he was somewhere in Chicago. Wheeling and dealing and making things good for himself. His sisters were settled. One having gone through a bitter divorce, his parents so old and ailing with multiple irreparable illnesses that I wept that say and thanked God for the health of my mother who is the same age as his mom.

I spoke to his sister a few months ago. She told me he had remarried. That he was very lonely and she literally had to force him into marriage. She was hoping that this was the beginning of a good turn of events in his life. I didn't meet or speak to him because I just didn't know where to pick up the threads. I was sure that what we shared was in the past and now it would just continue as someone I knew well. I always wish well for people in my life. Past and present. Hoping that everyone is doing what comforts and pleases their heart and are at peace wherever they are. 

S came to India to spend time with his new wife and take care of his ailing parents. Not even a week since he came to Hyderabad, he suffered a massive heart attack and was gone. 

I'm replaying my time with him. The laughter. The generosity. The courage and the fun. No one did it like him. I can't forgive myself for having lost touch. His funeral is tomorrow. I didn't think this was how I would see him next. I want to still think he is living his happy life somewhere and we have just lost touch. 

RIP my dear dear friend. I'm sorry I have to see you like this. 

Day 3 ~ Friends

Where would I be without them? At every stage in my life, I have had at least one intense relationship with a friend. An all consuming one. 

Friends, from school, neighborhood, college, work and some I met off the internet. 

The ones from school, who taught me to be competitive, the ones who called me names and then reconciled, the ones who held my hand while I threaded my eyebrows for the first time, the ones I saw many a movies with, the ones who taught me telugu, insisting I speak it right, the ones I shopped with and didn't judge my sparse knowledge of fashion, the ones who grew up with me and helped me navigate rocky roads.

Friends of my late teenage years and early twenties, the ones I still am tied to. The ones who grew to be my soul mates, the ones I can talk to.

Friends from college, studying away from home, in a hostel for the first time, the ones I lived with.The ones who were my accomplices as we did stuff we don't want to acknowledge today :P

Friends from work, especially those who taught me how to use tact and be more subtle. The ones who are firmly entwined in my life even today. The ones I discussed work with, trends in our line of business and office politics. 

Friends from blogging, who seemlessly integrated into my life, the ones I speak to on an almost daily basis. For those of whom, even if I stop blogging, will always remain in my life. 

I've named a lot of them over the years in the posts I've written, but again here today, as I type this out their faces flash through my head. 

Friends teach you many things. They are the most accepting of who you are and don't judge you for what you become eventually either by choice or fate. They inspire and help and kick your ass if needed. They will keep your secrets and make fun of your hardest choices just to keep it light and real. I've had inspiration and energy from my friends, I have at various times drawn from their lives, their experiences and their convictions. I am always grateful for finding them. 

I spent today at a spa with two of my closest friends. It is an apt theme for gratitude today. 

The year in passing ~ its been a good 2014

Its the last day of the year and I have nothing but gratitude for this year. This post has been in my head and heart for almost two weeks and then as I made my coffee this morning I panicked that I wouldn't find the time to write before the year closed. So here I am, coffee cup in tow, trying to recall things from this year that I will come back to and fill my heart with when I need to. 

I dont really believe in resolutions that have to begin in the new year, infact my chosen day of the week to start something new is not monday, but tuesday. I think it is counterproductive to wait for a date or a fresh year to start something you really want to try or begin or go back to. If I feel strongly enough about something, a day, date or a week is not going to hold me back.

Such was the previous year, so tumultuous, that anything after that would have been cake walk. But for a couple of things, some very painful, this year has been all kinds of awesome. 

The year started well. Anything that would take away from my happy shiny disposition was discarded. I will remember January for the long beautiful morning walks with Sage and K and the pit stops for chai and some days samosas :). My best friend N was in India for an extended period of time and we spent some good time together. Sage was severely epileptic, K traveled quite a bit and I gave up my 'girls only' travel plans. 

The last day of January and the first week of February saw us take our annual family vacation to Goa. We needed the time off, we needed to be alone, to heal, to recover and to plan the year ahead. K spent a lot of time going back and forth to panjim because he threw his very expensive phone in the bathroom. It was catharsis in a way, because that phone was kind of like the last vestige of the previous year. But it was one of the most beautiful relaxing vacations we have had. I met my fellow food bloggers and explored the opportunity of doing a blogger meet later in the year. 

Once back in Hyderabad, I got myself a gas powered oven because my classes were in full swing and the power situation was so erratic. Most decisions in my life have been pondered over, stressed about and I think I am fully prepared and yet don't make the commitment, and BAM! something will happen that will shake things up so badly that I will have to react, respond and decide immediately. After months of saying yes I need to invest in an oven and I need to do a recce and all of that, a day before a very important class, unbathed I drove to the nearest kitchen appliance store and based my decision on which brand would deliver immediately. I bought myself a Glen 4 burner, oven gas range and I haven't looked back after that. I did have some post purchase dissonance, it took me a while to figure out the new functions, I had to send the fridge out of the kitchen to accommodate the new oven, but its been working beautifully and I love it. Best 24k spent ever!

The most significant part of March, was that the Escapades page hit 10K likes. It was a surreal moment for me as I sat in front of my computer refreshing the page, taking screen shots at 9999 and tearing up. For the journey of a few intense months, I couldn't believe what was happening to my venture. M my friend who IS (she made me edit this :P) my Entrepreneurial Partner hifived me virtually and we had a moment of silence to savour it. B came over and we played holi with the pooch. The heat was beginning to turn maddening and I was bracing myself for the summer months. 

April, with its heat brought the Indian General Elections into focus, no one, no matter how apolitical could escape the bombardment of campaigns, candidates and the general chaos. In a home that is mostly silent on issues, K and I could not help but have polarised opinions on everything :) We eventually could not vote because we didn't get our voters ID cards on time, but that hardly mattered to what was a watershed year for Indian politics. The state of Andhra Pradesh also was going through a traumatic phase with a split evident. I know that smaller states lead to better governance and all of that, but to be torn apart and live through the chaos till everyone finds their feet is very disturbing. The only thing that I spent all my effort on was my classes. I did a lot of them and felt good at the end of a super tiring day. Sage, even with his epilepsy, continued to be a darling and waited till I was hands free to have an episode even on days when I had 12 people to teach. Work-wise, I did a lot of reviews of restaurants and that meant a lot of food :D

I cannot remember anything that sets May apart, except for the mind boggling heat and towards the end of the month, again on a spur of the moment decision, I finalised a space to move my classes into. Escapades Culinary Studio was born, just like the first class I took. No planning and pondering, just a compelling force that pushed me. Amma was here, the house and family was trying to adjust to my schedules and the number of people that would come and go, but I felt it was unfair to ask them to adjust anymore. Meal times got delayed, Sage remained leashed for hours on end and the general demands on home and family proved to be too much. I remember the phone call with my now landlord, a flutter in my stomach and my heart pounding real hard as I negotiated my rent. I did all of this on my own, consulted no one, took no one's advice, just listened to my madly pounding heart.

The separate state of Telangana came about in June. The city was coloured a bright pink after the TRS which was the main party that campaigned for statehood. I was unable to decide if I was happy or sad. A tumultous couple of months would follow with no time to breathe. The meeting over a meal with food bloggers in Goa in february and the discussion over doing a blogger meet in August was taking shape. The studio was launched with a first class and I had to catch a moment to savour what I had created. I had a cup of coffee in solitude as I sent thanks for the energy and the courage to do what I was doing. We had a great first month and it was reassuring to have old students come back for more classes. I had a freak accident and tore a part of my ear off, got it stitched and didn't allow it to derail any of my plans. On the 30th of June we had Amma's cataract operation. Dr. Mandeep who has been her doctor for three years invested the time to study her case, reassure her and prepare her for the surgical procedure. MIL, K's mom was the pillar of support and courage for both me and amma. She spoke to amma, reassured her, encouraged her and even volunteered to take her for all her preliminary tests because I was tied down with Sage. Amma's operation showed me a side of her I always underestimate. She didn't rely on my help even on the day she was completely sightless. She managed her post operative time so well that it made me draw from her. She made a full recovery in a few weeks and can see much better now. 

I turned a year older in July, I spent the day with Amma and the doctor getting her check up done. In the evening, my friend B sent me a beautiful cake via my baker friend S. She replicated my life and studio on a cake, it warms my heart to be surrounded by friends and family who take the time out to tell me I am special. Planning the Indian Food Blogger Meet consumed most of this month. The painful brainstorming, treading on eggshells around people with egos more fragile than bonechina, and the determination to not allow my vision to be derailed consumed me. I spent every ounce of my energy to give direction and shape to something I had been dreaming of for a few years. I found a like minded collaborator, but working against the negative forces which were also part of this group tired me. On a personal note, I overcame a lot of personal demons, especially surprising myself with my ability to sell an idea to sponsors who eventually became collaborators. July was quite simply a crazy month for me. 

August 1-2 and was euphoric to say the least. All the hard work, planning, late nights, gripe and heart break was put on show. We had a fabulous meet even if I say so myself. I met many like minded, talented and simply amazing bloggers, a lot of who I admired from afar, some I call friends and a lot more I was meeting for the very first time. IFBM set a very high bar (no pun intended), engaging with the best from the blogging world, showing value to what had been just a hobby and more importantly not lowering our standards for anyone. Despite all the tiresome mind games and personality issues, the meet was a success. I didn't really bask too much in the glory of it's success, we had pretty good press coverage and yet, the vacuum that it created forced me to withdraw and introspect. The loss of energy was mind blowing, and for the rest of the month, I felt as limp as a balloon that lost its air, I withdrew socially and my classes and studio took a beating. I needed to disconnect from everyone and everything that I was forced to engage with. I needed time to restore my personal balance and center my energies. 3rd August also saw the death of a friend's mother under the most shocking circumstances. She died alone, sitting up and was found a few days later. It devastated the son, but affected me in a way I didn't think was possible. After the high of IFBM, this month and the next plunged me into depths I couldn't imagine existed.

September is always a difficult month, I lost my dad this month a decade ago and this year, I lived through the sudden illness and ultimately death of N's father. Uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and before our eyes, in three weeks he succumbed. I have been meaning to write about this and how I felt, but words fail me. I saw a man who faced death with grace and strength, who bore pain of a sort I cannot even imagine with the reassurance that his faith provided. I marvelled at his strength, I couldn't imagine a lesser person going through what he did. I saw him surrounded by his family and those who mattered the most. I couldn't help but relive my father's journey. The contrast could not have been greater. Uncle's death affected me in a very personal way, it gave me closure for my own bottled up decade old grief. I was drained, emotionally, physically and spiritually. For the first time, I was asked to speak at a funeral, I admit I choked up.

The only thing that kept me going was that I began baking commercially for a coffee shop. Walking to the studio, turning on the oven and getting to work really forced me to dip into all the strength I possessed and try and function normally. K made a long trip to China and Hong Kong on work. So for most part of the month I was left to myself. 

October saw my garden flourish for a brief while. I had an abundance of herbs, tomatoes and a few salad greens. We had a lovely diwali, first with K's family and later in the evening with J &B in their beautifully decked up home. I took my first festival hamper orders and it was nothing short of madness but I loved putting them together. On the personal baking front I discovered the joys of ready-made puff pastry. This was a month when I tried to get back on my feet and make sense of the last few intense months. 

November saw a flurry of activity around friends, meeting old ones and making some new ones. I did a fun fruit mixing event at a hotel and got a close brush with Page 3 folks of the city. Large scale baking orders kept me busy, along with the studio doing multiple classes. I made Kachi Biryani Hyderabadi style one afternoon and it restored my faith in my own cooking. My home kitchen was super busy with churning out packed lunches for K and I got a mild "The Lunchbox" feeling at times. K and I celebrated our 11th anniversary and like I always say, more better than worse. 

As the year closes and this day is almost over, I reflect upon this year. The year that I found and embraced myself. It has surely been a year of abundance. I took pride in all that I did, overcame my fears and set higher goals for myself. The many opportunities to do good work, challenged my skills and intelligence. The forced quietness made me appreciate all that I have ~ family, friends, Sage, my work and my independence. For the love and respect that comes to me when I least expect it. I want to savour this love and be worthy of the respect I have received. It inspires me to do a lot more than I have and makes me a better though quieter person. This road I have taken, this path I am walking on, feels scary at the same time that it fills me with exhilaration. Sometimes I hug myself, sometimes I look around for a familiar face or a hand to hold. I feel overwhelmed and challenged and loved and scared all at the same time. I am surrounded by people, places, ideas and thoughts that continuously inspire me and make me want to be a better version of myself.

For the year that lies ahead, I want to start with gratitude. And I most definitely want to move out of my comfort zone. And stay inspired

Thank you my dear readers for staying with me. Whichever way you choose to celebrate, may the year close on a blessed note. And the coming year should bring love, warmth and good health to you and your loved ones. 

People....

K had a break up a couple of days ago. I told him it was a "friend break up" no different or less difficult than a romantic break up. He'd been uneasy about the frost that set upon his friendship with who he considered his intellectual peer and friend. There was a tragedy in the friend's life and then the frost set in, suddenly. The tragedy is something I still cannot acknowledge, this friend lost a parent who he was devoted to in a very very tragic way. Understandably there was shock and anger and perhaps a lot of guilt too. K rushed to his friend's side as soon as he found out and spent some time. After which, being someone who does not believe in rituals and symbolism, he checked in on his friend but didn't attend the ceremonies that followed. 

I thought they were similar in thought and mind. From where I see it (K's persepective ofcourse) they were friends for every reason and season. Heated debates over philosophy and politics, evenings spent discussing literature and their favourite authors, and staying up all night to watch movies they loved. For over a decade, this friendship was this way.

Life has a way of coming in between. There were weddings and domesticity, milestones, career changes, ups and tumultuous downs. But they never mattered, or so it seemed.  

A few weeks ago, K told me he noticed a listless silence from his friend. That a few attempts to connect after work or on the phone were being brushed aside. He paid a visit on my insistence one day only to be treated with utter coldness. We both put it down to the recent tragedy and that it was understandable that this friend was having a tough time dealing with. 

Then came the curveball. Odes of friendship and support written to the same people he claimed to despise started pouring out of this friend's social networking page. I kept telling K that his friend, despite saying he didn't care for K's absence at the funeral and ceremonies, was upset and that he should clear it out. A couple of texts and chats later, it was off. The deep friendship of over a decade, shared out of their mutual love for all things cerebral was stripped and buried. This friend made a few accusations that K was never available to him and wanted him selfishly, not realising that he was not speaking to him anymore. That it was a monologue since 4-5 years and not a dialogue. 

This has left K very puzzled. The same friend, a few months ago, claimed all forms of love and friendship, naming this friendship as the purest and most objective, whereas all the other people in his life have always wanted something - a contact, a favour or some other kind of help. 

To K I told him that he had always invested in the wrong people. That this particular friendship was more convenience (for the other guy) than anything else and the reason I am making this conclusion is that nothing else explains the yo yo-ing statements. 

This was a guy who was invested in as a friend. He was a part of our lives for over a decade. He ate in our house, stayed with us endlessly, romanced his girlfriend (now wife) in our house and all of this we did selflessly. Without asking for anything in return, because he was a friend, and because we loved him. 

There have been betrayals in the past. Maybe betrayal is too strong a word. Shall I say decisions made based on his convenience, favouring him and with no thought for K's well being. Each time I brought these up, K would simply brush them aside and say that I always doubted people and that this friend would never think that way. But it happened, again and again, until, a few years ago, when K was willing to give up his most successful venture to join hands with this friend to follow a dream. That's when I put my foot down for the first time and said no. I forced K to rethink and that pipe dream fell through. 

How convenient it is to live in a bubble where you are the victim. How nice when you insulate your existence with a blanket of lies. How perfectly suitable your talent for storytelling becomes to twist the tale where you are the martyr. I marvel at these instances. I get that K is not blameless. He is not a guy who will call you everyday to check if you are ok. But when you need him, he will be there. But to say the things that have been said to him, is pure calculation. 

He spent a day reminiscing their memories. We spoke late into the night and I knew he was trying to figure out where he went wrong, what he didn't do right, why he wasn't cautioned earlier. He hasn't done that for any other relationship. The next morning, he woke up and told me that he had buried it, it was over for him and that he would not be affected anymore. That he spoke about it only so that he could give it its due and then bury his memories. '

I smiled at him gently and said ok. I however took another couple of days to process this. I was angry at the lies and the tales of his now ex-friend, but I also realised that a weak man has nothing but stories to insulate and vindicate him, that these were the straws he was clutching at. One thing that I know about K is that he is a man without fear. He will call a spade a spade and be ready for the consequences of all his actions. It is surprising that the said friend, who is unafraid to speak on any topic has remained silent for all the years he felt the friendship had ceased to exist.

If indeed that was true, how did he manage to feign a freindship and affection for almost 4 years that he said he wasn't feeling the love or closeness? Did he not think that the two of them deserved to sort out these things rather than break up? It is baffling how people will turn around and accuse you of the things that have been contrary to what you have displayed. 

While K is going about his life like all of this never happened, I somehow am getting drawn back to the meetings and evening spent and conversations that happened and food that was shared. Either all of what is being said now is false, or what happened over the last decade is false. Or did a convenience just outlive itself and get misunderstood as friendship by K? Answers I may never find. But I guess people are like that....one only has their own conscience to live with. 

Long Walks

Since the start of this month, K has joined Sage and me on our morning walks. We wake up, dress for a little warmth as it still is a little cold in Hyderabad in the mornings, and trot off. The thing about K coming along is that he has changed the rules. With sage and me, we walked for 30 to 45 mins each day, in a colony near by and spent a lot of time playing with stray dogs, he would run about, I would sit with a couple of them in my lap and we would have a nice time.

K has come now and changed the rules. For one, we walk longer, in terms of time and distance. So now we walk just over an hour, and about 3.5 kms.

Ofcourse we stop at the end of the walk for some overly sweet chai and onion samosas brought in fresh by a man on a moped!

This we repeat after dinner, but cut the distance by at least a kilometre due to the heavy traffic even in colony lanes at night time. 

We talk on our walks. About life, work, us, sage, the houses and trees and balcony gardens. We talk about other things that we don't usually talk about. Like thinking of a holiday home. Or how we would spend our older days. What dreams we have been dreaming lately. What makes us sad, annoyed and even afraid. We hold hands, because the walk is a leisurely one and not about getting somewhere. And we are exploring lanes and bylanes in the 5 kilometre radius of our house that we never knew existed. 

It is tough to see the myriad houses packed closely together in semi slum-ish areas when you drive past in a car. The ones that have seen a sudden spurt of growth, come up and are now housing dozens of single men and women working in the city. The ones that proclaim who lives in the rooms by the clothes that hang out to dry. It is amazing how for over 9 years that I have lived here, I have not once noticed just how many hostels there are around where I live! 

The many little lanes, some come up with surprising little gems. Like a street I was barely cognizant of, turned out to be well laid, canopied with eucalyptus and other trees and was so quiet you could hear the birds chirp. 

or the impossibly beautiful and seasonal flowers on really dusty trees

Or the gate that you never noticed, housing about 300 construction workers in makeshift tin shed tenements. The hustle and bustle at 6 AM as they get ready for the day. The women, with bright red vermilion drawn broadly between the parting of their hair, which is oiled and tied firmly back. I was pleasantly surprised to see many of the women dressed to the nines at 6.30 AM, including bright lipstick. No fear of "am i looking good in this?" I wish I had some of their confidence.

or bottles lined up on a wall of a booze shop that has not yet opened from the day, so small and cute that I picked them up to make vases out of them

The many many many dogs on the street. One can make out a family of dogs from their features. Some of them with long tall perky ears and blackened snouts. Some with a stubby nose but so handsome I want to take all of them home. Some with fluffy thick fur that I am itching to bathe and brush. Many of them use only three of their four legs because they are recovering from a fracture. The perils of living on the street and being hit by a vehicle or a ruthless human and a stone. Some of them recover well enough to walk on four, but run only on three. Some of them have permanently damaged the limb and make do with three. Feisty and spirited tho, also curious about the overindulged fat little golden retriever who is not intimidated by their barks. They come a few feet closer, and wag their tails suspiciously when a hand is put out to stroke them. They are unsure because most of them do not know human touch.

The days we miss our walks (both K and I have had a bout of the seasonal flu) all three of us seem listless and crave that alone time with each other.

I think this is the beginning of a very good thing. I love what it will do to us healthwise physically, mentally and spiritually. 

Forgive and Forget?

This morning, as I was chatting with my bestie, we talked about some common people. I remarked about how a certain someone, who caused untold destruction and loss or was like the catalyst of a mess, had dedicated a song on self belief and strength to K and me as a new year's wish. I spoke about the gall of the person and how shallow that gesture was.

She told me to forget it and forgive him. I said well I have forgiven, but I would be a fool to forget and I most definitely will never ever give this person the benefit of doubt. That is my lesson, and they will only serve to insulate me. Just as I continue to work with people who I have bad experiences with, after negotiating new terms and conditions of engagement, this too shall be dealt with fairness but not with blind trust.

It is amazing how people forget the favours they have received and after a point start demanding an entitlement of sorts. Well, no more free lunches! 

The year in retrospect (super duper long post)

There are times when one feels one has figured out something ~ a series of events, a person, a moment in time. One rests finally, with a sense of having fully understood the matter. Then suddenly a realisation happens which makes your understanding have a 180 degree turn. Suddenly everything that made sense does not. Or what you thought you had figured out, has suddenly turned on its head. 

The last few months I have steadfastly held on and said at every opportunity that I couldn't wait for this year to be over. At every turn, this year has thrown me a new challenge. I have written about it, I have pondered about it, shed many tears and spent many sleepless nights and restless days. 

The year began on a good note. There was the promise of something big happening. Every ounce of our collective energy as a couple was spent on nurturing the new venture. January did start on a very promising note. 

The euphoria and the excitement continued through February. We had a full house with a little Dachshund joining us for a week as I pet sat him while his family holidayed. We had parties and more parties, some planned, some impromptu. A breathless excited pace that made me smile each time I tried to catch my breath. I was becoming fitter with my workouts at the gym and came to a point where the highlight of my day was the time spent in the gym. I began to enjoy the excruciatingly tough all day travels to Guntur and back. leaving home before sunrise and getting back bone tired just a few minutes before midnight. The pit stops, the conversation, the food at small towns on the way and the skyline would become my friends. Some days, I would wait to actually get away from the mundaneness of home. 

March was again a round of frenzied activity. Several trips to Guntur for work included one overnight one where I had to stay at the house of my business partners' in-laws. Working on a small budget, that night while trying desperately to sleep for a couple of hours beside a child who kept kicking me, on a mattress which still had its protective plastic sheet cover and against a wall so dirty I thought I was on a horror movie set, I realised all that I took for granted. It was a situation I promised myself I would never allow myself to be in again. I was in a mad house, where out of politeness and spread over 400 sft, I had to join in a religious celebration that had an elaborate pooja every 4 hours. It was more than I could take. In a strange town, I just walked out of the house, for almost a mile, hailed and auto and went to a crowded marketplace for some solace. The train journey back home was something that I enjoyed more than I expected. Or maybe it was the happiness of just being on my own finally. 

The end of March and beginning of April, we spent in Goa. With two other couples. This was one of the most beautiful vacations K and I have had. Sage went crazy on the beach. He and I took long walks at sunrise, sometimes in the dark much before everyone had woken & played with street dogs that got friendly and stayed outside our cottage till we left. We ate in restaurants that didn't even ask for him to be leashed. I came back refreshed, but things were not to be the same again. Everything slowly began to get edgy and K spent unending hours at work. I would barely see him for 30 minutes after he woke up and before he left for office. I missed him terribly, so did Sage who began to get very clingy. Work for me continued with more trips to guntur. I was working with a bunch of extremely unprofessional and selfish people. One threw a tantrum in the middle of a contracted job and tried to take us for a ride. Another was just so whiny that it was easier for me to roll up my sleeves and get the work done myself. It happened more than a couple of times, when I got work done this way. I had to dig deep into my being, to handle these childish people, to take the high road, to be patient when they were being ungrateful, to solve their domestic problems so that they could come and do their work. There were days when I just wanted to pull my hair out, some days I wanted to slap multiple faces multiple times. I practiced zen. I spoke softly although in my head I wanted to scream. I offered solutions. I ran a ferry service. I felt like I had reached a personal milestone. 

This was a significant realisation for me. All the while, I believed I was an unlikely candidate for corporate success because I lacked patience, I lacked focus and I lacked the larger vision to only keep looking at the result I wanted and not the means by which I would achieve it. I was always given to understand by my bosses and sometimes peers that 'my fly off the handle and confrontational nature' was the chief reason I couldn't carve out a larger niche of success when I was gainfully employed. I put myself in situations where I had to face the heat and came out of them successfully, by myself. I felt very accomplished individually. This was a huge milestone for me. 

May was when the mayhem truly unfolded. We had a 'situation'. K spent about 18 hours being disconnected with the home. He had too much on his mind and his body was being pulled in every direction possible. It took every ounce of his strength both mental and emotional to get through each day. I saw him tired and weary and so cranky that conversations were to the bare minimum, lest I step on a raw nerve. My cook left because her husband was ill. I was in-charge ~ of the kitchen, of the house, of the family (amma was here with me), of K, of Sage and yes, of myself. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. When the rawness has healed, someday in the future hopefully I will be able to talk about it.

I have issues with boundaries. I need them, I am territorial and even something as small as leaving a bag where it does not belong, or cluttering a table gets me mad. I am territorial and I need my space to reflect that. So when encroachments happen, on my time, my space, my emotions and even my energies, I crack. The only thing that kept my sanity during this time, was my gym routine. Doing push ups and sit ups and weights and holding the plank position was where I was channelling all my energies. I would go to the gym and pound the weights! and feel good about myself for the rest of the hour, till something else erupted. And erupt it did. On a daily basis, there would be something that ticked me off. All my energy was being spent pleasing someone else, or accepting things I didn't like to keep the peace of the house. Everyone had to make adjustments. I had to too and at times I felt taken for granted by the situation. This continued into June. Those weeks and months are a blur. I cannot even believe I allowed a few things to happen. the lines between work people and friends had always been blurry for K and this time too, a lot of the shit that was happening because of ill defined boundaries.

Prisoner of my own mind, I found myself accepting behaviour I would not have accepted normally. A complete invasion of my private space, a violation of privacy and sometimes smart alec answers which would have normally been met with a stare. Too much access to personal information, too much exposure to private matters and too many discussions over a life we have protected rabidly. Finally one day, when both of us had had enough, we spoke about it and amended the situation and restored some sanity and peace back to the house.

I turned a year older in July. It was a circus at best. My best friend wanted to throw me a surprise party at 12 to ring in my new year. Poor girl had no idea of what was happening and it took K's intervention to douse some of the 'would have been' blaze because there were new equations between the people in our life that were on the guest list. I made a new friend this year, a bright, confident 22 year old woman, who I connected with. It was easy to forget she was so young. I was rudely reminded of the age gap on my birthday. Amidst a lovely time with friends whoa re family, Amma and others, I was reminded of how much I meant to this girl. So important was I that she was pretty vocal about her happiness as well as her annoyance both in the same breath. Since I was in a fragile condition already, I burst a blood vessel and a deluge of tears followed what was supposed to be my best birthday ever, turned quickly into a nightmare. I spoke about this to N my other bestie and she explained a few things to me, about myself, my friends and my friendships. The next day, I called said friend, lets call her M and told her how I felt, we talked, laughed, cried, hugged and returned to our respective lives with a better understanding of our friendship. M has played such an important role in my life this year. She has been a pillar of support and a girl who goes out of her way to help, and will brush it off as nothing. She's called me names that include 'retard' and I still call her my friend!

August is a month I cannot remember much of. I spent the time mostly mending other's fences. mending family relations and assuring them that everything will be ok when you are not feeling quite so positive yourself is possibly the most important thing I did this month. I finally confronted my business partner and got paid my share of the dues. Concluding that it was possibly the most hard earned money I had ever made, and so not worth the effort! I also took a leap of faith and injected new energy into my languishing Classes. My Culinary Escapades classes have been something I have always had on the back burner. I started them almost 7 years ago and on and off while I have taken breaks, I have never really put all my energies into them. They have always been like a faithful friend, sometimes happy to be in the limelight and not complaining when ignored. I wanted to change that up and August was the month that saw me infuse energy into them. And they blossomed under all the attention. August was a month I began rebuilding my faith in myself as an individual. August was also the month when we found out without a doubt that our beloved Sage was epileptic.

A few lessons I taught myself, that no matter how tough the going is, look inwards for strength and you will find it. This year in essence was all about knowing myself better. the strength, the courage and hard work. I realised I just underestimated myself over and over again, and yes, the year was not a good one, but I did good at the risk of sounding pompous. I think I was the best version of myself.

September was when Amma turned a year older. A beautiful if sometimes painful 75 years on this earth. She has been an exemplary role model of courage and persistence. I would have liked to add smartness, but that she is not, retaining her innocence and gullibility even now. Because of Sage's condition, we couldn't make the trip to Singapore like I had promised her. this is the third time we have abandoned those plans for various reasons. She being the sport was perfectly fine with it. I needed to do something more for her, something special to mark her life and in less than 24 hours, I had a party hall booked to celebrate her birthday with her closest family and friends. I called my brother and asked him to bring the kids and come down. That was to be the biggest surprise for Amma. She couldn't believe her eyes when they stood at the door! Through all the secret planning, fixing the menu, buying her a new saree and getting her blouse stitched, deciding on the return gifts et al, my MIL and FIL were my pillars of strength and my co conspirators. The birthday girl had no idea what was happening and cooperated beautifully to being surprised. It was a beautiful moment, she was overwhelmed and gracious and I was happy to have been able to do this for her. I think as a daughter, life came a full circle for me that day.

October was a month that I cannot remember much of. Except the weariness of the year just dragged through. I found new and hilariously like minded people online and as is my practice, I overdosed on them. the addiction to whatsapp was complete, sometimes at the cost of the people around me. Much to their annoyance, it continued. I launched a couple of more classes and saw the Facebook page spiral out of control. It was a personally thrilling time. There were times when I wanted to go back into my shell, but like M said, I was too much in my comfort zone and needed to stick my neck out. I wrote for a few local magazines, reviewed restaurants, conducted classes, dealt with all sorts of irrational people wanting to enquire about my classes, managed to come to terms with Sage's illness and find the strength through all the tears. Amma bid us adieu as she went back to Chennai for a few months.

November is the month K and I completed a decade of marriage. 10 years is a long time to be with someone. it is a huge milestone. for us it feels like a few years ago. We have seen better times than this year. And while we talked about all that happened this entire year, we both felt it has been the most testing and challenging for us. We've always been a team, that is our strength and also our pride. Realising that nothing has changed is a great reminder of why we are together. I remember not being too sure of what I was doing even as I dressed for my wedding. The uncertainty, the cloud of doubt in my head and the rest of the family was weighing my shoulders down, I was tired of trying to convince everyone. Till I said to myself, I will take it as it comes. I cannot imagine being who I am with anyone else. He is the Yin to my Yang. The voice of calm logic and reason when I want to shout, scream and throw a tantrum ( and I do throw some awesome ones).  He is the man who tells me to try the most impossible things and will fret if I need to cross a busy street on my own. He is the man who will make fun of me all the time. The man who has no cares for the future and believes in the here and now, to my complete despair when I realise how much savings other people have! The man who has quietly been the wind under my wings, when I make a big show of even making a second cup of coffee for him.

We tell each other that between the two of us, I have the better Social Interface and automatically people think he got more than what he deserved and I got less. But the truth cannot be farther than that. K has taught me to tell the world to take a flying fuck as long as I believe in what I am doing. He will question your convictions not to challenge you, but to test how much you actually believe in them. So ten years on, with none of the trappings of 'family life' and with people asking us constantly when we will 'settle down' (I'm assuming that's the way to ask if we will ever extend the family), I realise the reason we are together is simply because we want to be together and not for any other reason. The fact that we have nothing that binds or ties us together in the form of children or any other familial obligations we may have to execute together and yet, if I were to choose all over again I would choose K. That is a staggering realisation.

Through this year, I fell in love with him more than I had ever. We had the most tempestuous year ever. This year has tested us individually, as a couple and as a family. And I am very proud of how we weathered every storm. When you are young and dreamy, you wish to be with a partner who can take the tough and narrow path, you want a partner who will stand up for his principles with not a care in the world for the losses that may incur, you want a partner who is idealistic and thinks without a care. Ten years teaches you that everyday living with a partner like that is not for the faint hearted. That there will be days and weeks when the uncertainty of decisions or the future will eat at your insides. That you will have more things to worry about than have a smirk for. That living with a partner of unbending morals means a tough life. And the realisation that you could not have chosen better. That you would rather rake yourself over hot coals than choose any less a man. It has been a tough year for us, and what held us together is what brought us together. You know now more than ever, that this is a good thing.

As December rolled in, I began reflecting on the year that passed. It went quickly in the good times (yes there were a few of those) and dragged on endlessly in the bad patches. I reflected on my inner strength and ability to face circumstances that were not to my liking. I realised that while I cannot wait to see this year end, it has taught me how deep my courage is and how strong my faith. That despite being flaky, I can take care of myself and my flock.

This is the only thing that I am grateful for this year. It pained me to see K's pain and despair. Yet not one day did I see the fire ebb in him. I was so proud to be his partner, even on the days when I didn't feel particularly generous of my time or my energy.

2013 has made me draw from an inward strength I didn't believe I possessed. Like a tigress, I gathered my cubs and protected them. Sometimes those cubs were my mother, K and Sage. I drew so much courage from the quiet confidence of my MIL. She has been the biggest influence over me this year. I learnt so much from her quiet resilience. I drew strength from her as I recharged. I know I can face any adversity on my own. I know that I can take over the reins and be responsible for the mental, financial and emotional well being of this family. With Sage, I realised that there is a life to be led once the tears have dried and the fears have been overcome. I am very grateful to be able to choose to work from home while I care for him. I am grateful for being able to enjoy so many days playing with him, scolding him and whacking him sometimes when he misbehaves. I cherish every moment of our time together. grateful for the undying love and unwavering faith he has in me, even when inside I am battling self doubt.

If I had a choice, I would not want a repeat of this year ever, but I am grateful for the experience because of how we have lived it.

There have been days when it took every ounce of my grace and dignity to get over a single hour. I looked inwards and was able to be strong, for myself, for K, for Sage, for the family and for all those I call my own.

This is a year I will not forget. This is a year I have learnt to forgive. This is a year I was able to cut through the clutter and focus on the people, the relationships and the work that really really matters to me. This is the year I have believed in everything everyone told me, and nothing anyone said. This is a year I have felt alone in a crowd and strong enough to be silent. This is a year I have lived each day like no other. This is a year I was battered, broken and healed.

As I wait for this year to close, I do not want to forget these lessons.

To my readers, I wish you a very beautiful New Year ahead. May 2014 be all that you want it to be, may your heart and homes and lives be warm and filled with the love and grace of those who matter the most.

The importance of keeping it together

It is the last month of the year and I cannot stress on this enough ~ Cannot wait for this year to exit. It has been the most difficult year of our life. Emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. Every which way I look, this has to be the year a lot of things changed for me and us.

the last post I wrote a few days ago, referred to Sage and his health. He has epilepsy. It has been a crushing discovery. That my joyful, playful, boisterous puppy is almost always drugged now and not his usual self has been so painful. We are hoping he will be better soon. He is getting all the medical attention he needs, we are trying to deal with this and live with it. I am mostly home bound now and spend all my time with him. K and I really thought this would be a one off case due to his habit of picking up rubbish on his walks and there is no telling what he may have ingested. Turns out he has a life long condition. The stuff we are reading online and the advice of the doctors suggest he will have a reasonably good life and we need to be tough enough to see him through this.

That's the toughest part, to watch him have a seizure and keep our wits around us and negotiate the 30 minutes it takes to clean him up, comfort him and reassure him that everything is going to be fine. It is tough to stay sane when all you want to do is flay your arms and cry. 

Work wise I am very happy the way this year has shaped up. I cannot help thinking if it would have been better without the bitterness that cropped up several times in business dealings. People who try and short change you, act like they are friends when it suits them and business partners when it doesn't. So suddenly in the middle of telling you how they cannot make a payment because their child has been mysteriously unwell for a month they will talk of professionalism. I had to chase someone for 6 months to get my payment and that has left such a bad taste in my mouth that I have now decided to work with people only on an advance payment. It makes it unpleasant to state these terms, but its better than being cheated. 

On the classes front, a lot of people think that conducting cooking classes is not work, but you are just doing something for timepass, especially because you operate from home. I have heard rubbish that fellow bloggers who recently turned culinary teachers have accused me of copying their ideas and what not! I got sucked in for a while. Bitching my heart out about fellow frenemies, bloggers and random people in the home baking business who spoke behind my back. I got riled up when people in the baking business insinuated that they put in ten times more effort than I did for half the money. 

That's when I decided I needed to purge such people from my everyday dealings... easier said than done... I am trying, but every time I slip, I shake myself and get back on... something I have learnt from sage!

On a brighter note, I baked yet another rainbow cake on monday. This time for a girl so lovely and such a terrific friend. If there is one friendship that makes me feel special, it is this one.


I couldn't go to wish her at 12, but K did and together with J my friend's hubby, they managed to somehow put up the bunting I made for the cake. I was not too happy, but it served the purpose!

Wishing my dearest B a lovely year ahead and may all the things she is chasing, come to her and fill her life with laughter and joy and happiness.

Of friends, family and other important things

Sometimes, in between blog posts, so many things happen that I want to chronicle. I make a mental note of it frenziedly  and then promptly forget. or something else happens and I forget or don't have the nerve or the energy to do it. 

Sometimes, I just cannot get myself to write about how I feel because there are other people involved and by the time I figure out a way to do it diplomatically, the anger or the excitement or whatever other heightened emotion I felt, has passed.

this weekend I had two friends come stay with me from out of town. they are married to each other... the guy was my friend and colleague and I always looked up to him for all things work related. its his opinion that is seek when i need a work related sounding board or counsel. he is the silent brooding type, but rarely if anything, escapes his attention... also, he is possibly one of the most discreet human beings i know.... i met his wife through him (obviously!) and after many years of being a friend's spouse... we hit it off like a house on fire...we have similar backgrounds and temperaments and can talk nonstop without even coming up for a breath of air...

each time they visit, they infuse me with a good sense of energy... its nice to discuss stuff with them, individually and collectively and get a different point of view. it helps me think more clearly.

we spent the weekend together, with their 8 year old son. who is a self contained, intelligent, uninhibited and these days (rare) well behaved boy. by the time they left, late last night, I was so exhausted with all the talking and listening and thinking. but it was the good kind of exhaustion. the kind that makes you drift off into deep, satisfied, refreshing sleep. 

The pages, they are turning themselves

Umpteen times this past month, I came here to mark my presence, to write a few words, to say that I enjoy this blog even now... I failed. 

Sometimes, months go past without anything significant happening and then something so huge happens that you forget to chronicle it because you are swept away in its force. 

Around April this year, I fell in love. So deeply, so unknowingly, it rattles me even now. The thing is, I have known this guy for almost half my life. We have seen each other grow and take on different tasks, succeed at some, fail miserably at others. Its easy to take for granted what you have right in front of you, when it is always there. 

something happened. A storm so tumultuous, that I wasn't even able to see straight, leave alone walk. This guy, somehow, got to be in the middle of the storm. Raging from all sides, ready to engulf and obliterate him. With him, was this helpless person, who sort of in a very irresponsible unknowing way, started this storm. And then I saw what he did, he had the hand of this person firmly within his own hand, held on and never let go. No matter how bad, how reckless and how dangerous the storm was, he never once let go of the hand that he was holding. No questions asked, no explanations given, just holding firm, because of a promise made. Because he said "I will take care of you, I will be there for you, I will protect you and I will not judge you when I am doing all of this"

The storm took a long time to blow over, almost 21/2 months in human terms. That is a long time to live out. That is 21/2 months of daily adjustments, everyday refuelling and going forward even when deeply wounded. All because of a promise.... because he was an honourable man. He didn't let go of that hand, despite the storm inside him, the personal losses, the tumult in his family, the fact that everyone questioned him. 

Picture this, a man is walking with another person's hand held tight. on a bed of glass shard ed ocean with the water right upto his nose, wading through water when there is a terrific storm, winds and gusts that blind you, and it is icy cold and it's raining. Not once does he let go of that hand, not once does he flinch no matter how much his soles are bleeding and in pain. That is the strength of this man. 

Its easy, when you have known someone this long, to look at the warts and not the strength. To look at the flaws which are so many and not the honour or conviction. To expect that for the sake of the overall peace and preferance of everyone around, he should take the easier more socially acceptable way out... but he didn't. 

This decision to walk with this person, protecting this person and ensuring there is a safe passage, has cost him almost everything. And yet, not a day of regret or anger has been shown. I really do not know what it takes to be someone like him. 

All I know is, this man, made me see him in such new light, that after being by his side for all these years, I wondered who he was and what he had become. I am honored to be in his life, to walk this journey with him, to be his partner. It made me realise what a privilege it is to be with him. It has made me appreciate the things I seldom understand and always questioned. It made me realise, that all great men make supreme sacrifices and do not show it even when they are bleeding. 

I fell in love, so deeply, that I felt the energy of this man even when I didn't see him. I realised that I didn't want to sleep walk through life and its decisions. More importantly, it has made me want to be courageous about myself. 

Anxious is sometimes good

The hunt began three weeks ago. Amma is staying with me and one of the things on the agenda of this stay was to get her to the doctor who checks her eyes. If you have been reading this blog long enough, you will perhaps know, that Amma, rockstar amma is partially sighted. She has no vision in her right eye, after a series of glaucoma related issues, the optic nerve died and right now the eye is shrinking and may completely close in a few years. Amma thinks she looks like Lalita Pawar. But that's her sense of humour! and she has loads of it. Possibly the only way she has been able to deal with the hard knocks in life. 

her left eye, the "good" eye is now functioning with a 30% efficiency.This means, if you are an unfamiliar person and sitting more than 4 feet away, she cannot make out your face or features... you appear as a blob to her. This eye is what she manages with. Fiercely independent, she is a person about the house, wielding the knife with aplomb and cooking almost everyday. She scans through the papers with a magnifying glass, watches tv and goes about her normal stuff. She travels alone, although now only between cities where my brother lives and I do. she is also one of the neatest people I know and that's not because she is my mother! walk into her room 5 minutes after she wakes up and you will find a spotlessly made bed. When you meet her for the first time, and if you dont know the background, you would never guess she is partially sighted.

So why this ode to amma? when i started this post with a hunt? Last year, she had an unsuccessful cataract operation. Complications arose and the procedure, which is fairly simple, needed to be abandoned to save her leftover vision. The doctor gave her 6 months to get her nerves back and redo the operation. In the midst of all this, she came to visit and I insisted she stay for a longish period of time. 

We found a doctor who came highly recommended. Away from the world famous eye hospitals in hyderabad. We consulted with him, hoping he would be able to give us a breakthrough. A youngish doctor with thick fingers and a soft spoken demeanour. he had the patience to listen to amma and go through her case history. he then pushed his chair back, and asked "do you want me to be honest or popular?". I believe a good craftsman is someone who does not need to showcase his ego at every opportunity. a person who knows his skill, yet will do what is best for the situation. He very gently told amma that in her case, he does not see any need to get aggressive with her treatment. the approach needed to completely rest on preserving her existing vision. He told her quite frankly that her cataract was not going to be a show stopper and that any intervention on her eye would be done only when absolutely needed. The only thing he wanted was to review her periodically to keep a check on the state of the eye.

This was last year. This year, we went back to him for a check up. Hence the reference to the hunt. We were unable to meet him the day we went due to his ill health. He asked us to consult with another doctor, who also happens to be his wife. She took on a different stance. Telling us that an operation, tho complicated was possible under general anesthesia and that Amma shouldn't be defeated by her age! She negated every other earlier bit of advise. We came back with an anxiousness and a need to see the original doctor. 

I was wondering if he would also recommend surgery now. Considering one year had passed and that there could be some further developments in the state of her eye. Also, since one doctor of the fold had already advised that, would it be necessary to keep up the same stance?

It proved elusive to get to the doctor. First he was travelling for over a week. then his ridiculously inefficient and clueless support staff, scheduled and rescheduled appointments at will. Twice, we had a busy morning, mentally preparing amma, rescheduling the morning routine and just when she was dressed, we would be told that the doctor was unavailable. So when friends and family called to ask what happened and when the operation would take place, we had no clue. Am sure everyone questioned my credentials at having been unsuccessful at scheduling another appointment. On monday, I finally lost my marbles. On each of the three calls I made to the hospital, I yelled and threatened the person on the receiving end of the call. calling them inefficient and unprofessional, I recounted the blundering efficiency they had. Finally, we were scheduled to meet the doctor yesterday morning at 10.

up bright and early, we trekked down to the hospital. Finished the preliminary tests and waited and waited. Finally met the doctor who thoroughly checked amma again. She told him she was ready for surgery if he wanted to go ahead with it. He sat back, apologized for the previous inconveniences and told her he wasn't about to put her though an operation or any kind of procedure unless he thought it was absolutely needed. With that, i think i fell a little in love with a doctor who put his patient before his professional ego. It is so difficult to find someone like that.

We came out of the hospital relieved for having found a good doctor, who will not look at you like an invoice receivable. So the two weeks of anxiousness was actually good. While a lot of folks told us to look for another doctor, we waited....