No two days are similar

This week has been checkered at best. The weekend began with bringing in my 40th birthday. As per usual, K and I didn't make any plans. He because he couldn't be bothered. Me because I was too proud to organise my own celebration. But B and J were here and we went out, I wore a new dress, we made merry and had a good time. Sunday was also a good day, more alcohol, food and some friends who came home to wish me. 

MIL's sister and her husband came to visit. He has alzheimers and is now unable to place most of his immediate family. He is aware of it, he has become a shadow of his earlier self, but is lucid and engaging. I took their grand daughter and my SIL's daughter to watch Spiderman the next day. It was to be a girls day out but one of my nieces had an upset tummy so it was just a movie date. I was bored out of my wits at the movie. I cannot think of a more insipid super hero movie in a while. 

Spent wednesday baking. And making about 120 theplas as requested by a friend who was travelling abroad. So the house and studio resembled a small scale spice and chutney powder factory that day. We baked some eggless jaggery banana loaves, cupcakes and lots of salt and pepper cookies. I feel humbled when they call back and praise the bakes to the skies. I need to stop dismissing praise. Learning to accept it gracefully will be a battle to fight in this new decade. 

Started my 8 day baking workshop on thursday. I have 4 people signed up for the whole course and through the week there will be folks who do single sessions. Starting the sessions on thursday is not by choice, I had to do it in order that the most popular ones which attract more single session participants comes on the weekend. I have an IITian whos quit his job because he loves to cook. One chubby boy turned fitness freak who weighs every morsel he eats. One set of identical twin ladies and my assistant is most intrigued about which one is older! 

Sage came to the studio on thursday and he slept through the whole session. Didn't show any signs of discomfort. But suddenly at 11.55 pm he had a massive seizure. this is the third in 4 weeks and I was at my wits end. Pouring rain, K not reachable and a completely disoriented Sage. I may have had a meltdown if I had an audience. I managed somehow but I swear I am really tired now. The mental stress of keeping all balls up in the air is telling on me and I am snappier than ever before. 

Yesterday K stayed home till I finished my session and went to work post lunch. I dont know what we will do today. Sage is not displaying any pre-ictal signs which is puzzling and each seizure in the last month has left me baffled because it seems to come out of nowhere. 

In the midst of all of this, I am thinking of starting a sourdough starter. Its popping up on every one of my social media and I am intrigued by it. I had a starter a few years ago which I killed off because I grew tired of feeding it. May be this weekend. Oh wait, today is already saturday!

Is this the new normal?

Since the beginning of this year, I have had a terrible time with Sage's health. He's been going into a preictal phase, which is the stage before the full blown seizure, but not actually having one. The preictal stage is characterized for Sage (changes for every dog) by being more clingy than he usually is, jumpy at sudden sharp sounds, ultra sensitive to known sounds like the reverse tune of our car, sound of the lift on our floor, phone beeps and doorbell. He also sometimes begins to walk into doors and walls or wedge himself into tiny corners like between furniture etc. Constant needs for a walk because he is restless, sometimes every half hour, so I will walk him, bring him upstairs to our apartment, feed and give him water (which is a habit after every walk) and he will ask for another walk almost immediately. Which means there are days and nights when I am walking him continuously for upto 6 hours.

We put him on an hourly emergency medication which has averted the actual seizure from happening, but sometimes I wonder if he should just have the attack so that all of us can be done with it. 

This has meant round the clock monitoring and one block of 4 days when neither K or I slept because we needed to be alert. Sage can't settle down and sleep and is distrustful of climbing up and down from our bed, so I put a sheet on the floor to sleep next to him and comfort him. By the 36th hour, K and I are exhausted and at our wits end and getting at each other like cats in heat. This ended, we had a few weeks of normal and repeat!

While this sounds very mild, imagine living with this recurring every few weeks. It is exhausting. Plus I am unable to leave him home alone for any period of time, I cart him to the studio during workshops and he is leashed till the session is done. But with the temperatures soaring and the heat of the ovens, it gets ridiculously hot and uncomfortable for him and he whines and cries or is restless adding to my stress. I cannot figure whether I should give up classes and stay home or take him and lump it.

If I have to go any place, it is a mad synchronised dance with K and most times, I don't go out unless there is something very important because it causes everyone to be on edge. I do feel sometimes that I do not enough social interactions and need to get out more.

Last week, overwhelmed with all the stuff happening, I wanted to get away from everything and everyone, just walk till my feet hurt and exhaust myself physically so that the mental strain is not felt that much. But the minute I leave the house without him, Sage panics. So there I was, unable to break free, walking with him, feeling so suffocated and sorry for myself. I sat on the steps of a still unfinished mall and started to cry, cloaked by the darkness which had already fallen. I don't know why I burst into tears like that, I usually don't. But I just couldn't stop crying. Nuzzling me was Sage, making me feel more guilty that I held him partly responsible for my suffocation. He sat there, next to me, wedging his nose between my face and knees as I sobbed. I held onto him after a few minutes, and told him I was tired and sorry and just wanted a break. When I was spent, he walked me back and the next couple of days, he was so calm and tried not to get into my hair like he exactly understood what I needed.

I know he is helpless and fully dependent on me, but there are times when all I want is to have a day where I eat and sleep to my hearts content rather than according to his medication, food and walk schedule.

Work has been at the receiving end of all of this drama and for the last month, I haven't done much work which again sets me off. So it has been a cluster fuck for atleast the past 8 weeks. I am crabby and snappy and find everything getting on my nerves. I am sick of being this version of me to be honest. It has to stop, it has to change. If this is the new normal I will be terrible to live with in a few weeks :(

Christmas

it's almost Christmas, today is the 20th and I am sitting in my bed, aimlessly browsing and thinking I should at some point get up and set up the tree atleast.

Every year the urgency is lesser and lesser. I feel I should do it and yet am not motivated enough to actually get around.

Tomorrow a friend and her family visits us. I want to get going before that atleast.

I had plans of cake and stuff, will probably get going on that on 22nd. 23rd is K's birthday and as per the grinch, he didn't want to have anything so will comply with his wishes (so much the better for me!)

Amma and all are off to Bangkok for Christmas and I am so glad they are doing this instead of the usual christmas fare! She is maha excited and so are the kids. 

Blanked out

While driving to the studio this morning, in heavy traffic, going at less than 10 kms per hour, I felt a surge of some kind of energy over me. We were stuck in traffic, I was waiting with my car in first gear, when I felt like a dark curtain fell across my eyes and lifted in a couple of seconds. By that time, I knew that I was going to bang the car in front of me. I desperately was trying to figure out the brake pedal but couldn't. My legs felt like lead. I was not panicking, but I felt a part of my brain had blanked out. 

I didn't have the presence of mind to put the hand brake, but took my right foot off the accelerator. That saved me and the car I eventually banged from a lot of damage, since I went slowly ahead and dented the bumper of the car. 

Ofcourse the driver got out and yelled at me and I lowered the window and apologised and he asked me to fork out 20 K standing there in the middle of the street. I perhaps made every other driver beside me shake his head thinking of every female driving stereotype they thought of at that moment. 

I offered to compensate the driver if he came to my office and spoke to me like a normal person and not a banshee yelling on the road. 

I managed to drive on to class, finished my session and still couldn't get over why that blanking out happened. 

I had not had breakfast, but I was not yet hungry, not the low blood sugar and hands shaking kind of situation that makes you blank out. I have not been stressed either to have that kind of a situation. I could have been tired, because I have been unable to get a full night's sleep. I have been feeling exhausted quite easily these days. B

I just thank my stars that I wasn't in any serious accident. I think I am going to walk to the studio and have the driver drive me around for a while till I feel more confident. 

Day 1 ~ K

I am starting this year with a seven days of gratefulness exercise.

2014 ended with a bang! Quite literally I mean. We went to my friends B & J's for a party. The terrace was done up with fairy lights and candles, like a wonderland. There was great food, booze, no music and just a few people enough to have proper conversations with. Oh yeah Sage ran amok for a while and had to be seriously reprimanded.

After the party and dinner, on our way out, I was sort of fast trotting because Sage had a loo call and before I realised what happened, excruciating pain and immobility told me I was down on the ground, in a heap, in a rather ungraceful pose, because I fell with all my might and twisted my ankle. I was sure I had a fracture, I shuddered which doctor would be available at 3.45 AM on a new years day.

So what am I grateful for? K

He's my partner of almost 19 years, my best friend, lover and the keeper of my spirit. I usually forget how fortunate I am to have him to journey this life with, because I am so used to having him around. I am grateful I fell in love with him, his intelligence and his courage. I am grateful I married him because I almost didn't.

It is easy to see the warts and pick on him, like I wrote here. But on days like today, when I am laid up in bed, wincing in pain and wondering how the house and schedule of which I am the 100% custodian will manage, he steps in. Goofy face and troubled voice cannot hide his concern.

He helps me out of my clothes, into my night clothes, inspects my foot, puts on some pain relieving ointment, gives me some tabs, props my foot up on a pillow, tucks me in and asks me to sleep and it will be all better tomorrow he says. I want to scream, in pain, in embarrassment at my clumsiness, in anger and in sheer helplessness. He insists it is not a fracture that I am convinced of. And I want to scream back with "what would you know? It hurts so bad" but exhaustion takes over and I sleep.

When I wake up, he has walked the dog, fed and medicated him, made himself some awful coffee, ordered breakfast and asked our friends if they can bring over some lunch, with extras to last a few days because he cannot cook. through the day, he keeps the house spic and span, even cleans the kitchen and I wonder if this is the same slothful guy I've lived with all these years. He stays at my side, icing my foot, massaging it, putting on my sprain bandage and asking me to will myself to be better.

I take pictures and send them to all my friends on whatsapp. Poking fun at him, but inside, I am overwhelmed with the tenderness and love that he is showering over me. I am grateful for his care. I am grateful for his encouragement, for the way he talks sense even when enraged. Most of all I am grateful he chose me to be with.

The next time I am mad about a wet towel on the freshly made bed, I will come back and read this post. :)

Changes are good....

... well almost.... It has been 8 days since I sacked my house help. Repeated disregard for my time, general ungratefulness and the last straw was to send an assistant to do my work for weeks on end without even consulting me. All because she found other work and didn't think the work she had at my house was important enough. So one day, when I had really questioned myself with why I was putting up with this level of disregard, I paid her her dues and asked her to leave. 

If she was shocked, she didn't show it. I think she knew it was coming and silently left the house (another testament of how little she valued her work with me currently). K asked me to give her a piece of my mind, but I didn't want to engage with a person so disrespectful. 

I had just suffered severe scalding on my right leg with boiled milk. I had blisters all over and it was very painful to say the least. In the middle of that, I agree it was not the wisest thing to do, sack your househelp. But when one is seriously pissed, logic hardly works. 

Anyway. It has been a week of hectic activity to say the least. I have continued my daily chores with the addition of sweeping, swabbing an apartment where lives a very hairy dog, and doing the dishes, sometimes three times a day. Its not that the work is a lot, it just needs a routine to get used to. The advantage for me is, thanks to Sage I am an early riser. So by 9 AM on most days, I am done for the day. I finish cooking because K needs his dabba, put the washing machine on as soon as I come back from my walk. Washing the dishes and the other little chores of cleaning up the kitchen were the only additions. It was how dependent I was on help that pissed me off. 

With each day, as I scrubbed the vessels, I would seethe with anger towards myself for allowing myself to be taken for granted. I obviously cannot play the boss very well.

So after stubbornly refusing to allow the situation get the better of me, with the burns and blisters healing ever so slowly and my thoughts turning from determination to despair in a flash of a few minutes, I pulled myself up.

I have had an extremely slow last couple of months. I have had full days and weeks and K has been terribly busy. He works more, travels more and we have less arguments. I pointed out to him the other week that we haven't had our customary monthly argument that comes like a period. And he smiled. He told me he had noticed but was too afraid to jinx it that he didn't mention it.

Yesterday I got some help at home. Can't say I was unhappy to give up sweeping and swabbing. At half the price of the previously ungrateful employee. I also had a terrifically productive day, caught up with friends and spent time with the extended family. So changes are good. Sometimes it is the wait that makes you anxious.... sometimes it is the uncertainty. But all in good time

Encountering idiots on my morning walk and other updates

I've had quite a miserable week. My back sprain refuses to let up. The only time I have no pain is when I take a muscle relaxant. The fact that I do not like pumping myself with medication means I don't really take it and then wince in pain. Normal people would have seen a doctor by now. But I am not normal and I can't get two minutes of alone time in the loo so forget about seeing the doctor!

Sage had a seizure on tuesday right on cue. Now they are 15 days apart and it means that he is clingy for the next couple of days. I sit in a dark room with the air conditioning on and hope that my banging on the key board does not wake him out of his sedative induced sleep. Initially I enjoyed the respite, now I just am antsy that I cannot even step out to fetch water from the fridge. I feel like I am under house arrest.

My tryst with horrible, ill mannered, grumpy people in the morning continues. Apart from the lady vigilantes who asked me not to bring my dog near their gate, today I had a run in with an abusive, toothless, cigarette smoking octogenarian who used the choicest urdu gaalis on me and the dog. He was sitting and smoking on the footpath and my dog just looked at him while passing by, that was enough to trigger off the old fart. I am filled with anger now instead of amusement. Earlier I chuckled at their idiosyncrasies. Now I just get riled up. Who wakes up at 6 AM to wait for a stranger to fight with? Obviously the women who wait for me and Sage are so jobless that this is the most exciting part of their day. Earlier there was one, now four of them wait up for me. Today, the old man yelling at me really threw me off. I yelled back and told him to fuck off. I did remember that he was older than my mother and maybe was alone and sad. But what the hell, I couldn't tolerate his abusive language for more than 60 seconds.

What kind of people are these? and why am I the one to meet them first thing in the morning even before coffee?

My back catch has ensured that I have made very slow progress with the new place. So far I have srcubbed the kitchen tiles from all the gunk and grease, moved all the paper and non perishable items and yesterday I got the pest control guys to treat the place for cockroaches as a precaution.

Next week, I look forward to getting a wall painted and installing a few shelves. I also need to buy a fridge and move my ovens. The furniture will come next weekend. I am hoping that the place will be functional from next month. I am still contemplating about moving my office there. It is ambitious, but may be impractical. Stepping out to just check emails and stuff may be unrealistic. However on the suggestion of a good friend, I plan to set up an old laptop and printer there in case of emergencies.

Just writing about this new place has lifted my spirits today. I need to go out and finish prepping for my class today. 

Lost and Found

It was hard to miss. The branding and brouhaha surrounding 8th of March. Everything from jewelry to clothes were being peddled as the ideal gift for the woman in your life. It seemed like every other occasion, the amount of money spent was proportionate to the love you had.

Readers of this blog will know I am not one for occasions. I hardly celebrate my own birthday or wedding anniversary. Not because they are not special, but I would rather not try and have special behaviors only on days that are meant to be marked.

So a few days ago, when everyone was actually confused about why women's day was being celebrated. And there were odes to womanhood with all the cliches of "wife, mother, daughter, sister" being posted and reposted across all social media, I had a few moments to myself.

There are days when I spend some time going over my last 2 decades. I am amused and sometimes even chuckle when I see what I used to be and what I have become. I know that my core remains the same. But I am talking of my outward behaviour and appearance.

I spent all my teenage years trying to be a boy. I felt it was more fun, got me more attention and kept the assholes away. So I had a rough way of talking and rode a two wheeler thinking I was a racer. I also wore a fluorescent green jacket and a crash helmet. I would swing my leg off the seat of the bike, and not climb off daintily like a girl. The problem was, no one noticed, or spoke of this and I wondered if they were just being polite or ignoring me. I loved doing errands for the house that sent me to bill paying to offices, vegetable buying to markets and driving people, visitors, relatives and all and sundry around town.

Even today, a lot of people don't have good first encounters when they meet me. I don't have a girly girl voice and speak in a way that makes them feel I am brusque. That came from years and years of practice (of fending off eve teasers and such like who harass girls incessantly on the street) and is now my style (!)

At home, I hated doing anything in the kitchen unless it was on display. So setting the table, making or serving dessert and generally being of minor non cooking help. I wasn't the first choice of kitchen assistant. My brother was the more willing and able one. Also had more physical strength to do all the mixing and stirring that was needed while cooking for about 50 on wood fires in the back yard in huge vessels that I could easily sit inside!

That changed very very slowly as I hit my twenties. I got more male attention than I could handle, I had a steady boyfriend and I was definitely being assessed in the marriage market. I was reluctant to give up what essentially was "Me". But along the way, a lot of what was put up for defense, peeled away. I was still brusque and short and could punch someone real hard. But I also discovered women's fashion and grew my hair longer than it had ever been. These are sure cosmetic, but when I think of it, they were definitely a manifestation of an internal shift.  

When I got married, for the initial few months, I was obsessed between playing house and acting like nothing had changed. I would go into overdrive and cook and clean till I passed out, or leave things to pile up till I couldn't even find what I was looking for. I was wanting to come across as a new wife who had it all down to pat. 

Unfortunately, nothing lasts with me and my fruit fly attention span. Life moved on, I got older and hopefully wiser. I started to worry less about how it would look to others and focus more on how comfortable anything made me feel. So my house and my clothes and my lifestyle were finally beginning to serve me when I hit my 30's. 

I also quit my regular job and sat at home for a while. I read, ate, slept and got rid of my watch and cell phone. I discovered the amazing world of the internet and started a food blog! Imagine I was poring over 100's and 1000's of recipes and blogs reading about people and their lives and the food at their tables! I have been working since I was in my teens. And not earning my keep was really getting to me. So on a whim one day, I went to a class that taught Chocolate making. I got into a mad frenzy after that and made chocolates till they was coming out of my ears. Tentatively, someone asked me to teach and I agreed. With that another world opened out to me. I was soon doing three classes a week and making more money than I ever had with a regular job. 

Thus began my saga. Today, 7 years on, I am still teaching - Chocolate making, baking, salads etc. I talk food, I research food, I cook and feed and teach it and it is such an integral part of me that I forget sometimes, that inadvertently, I found myself in food.

I found myself in the kitchen, amongst ingredients and pots and pans. I am happiest when I am teaching in my class. Answering questions and interacting. I do not claim to know all the answers and have burnt cookies in full public view of my students.... but I am not afraid anymore.... of failing... of being judged.... of someone not liking a particular dish I make...

When I look back it is almost laughably ironical that I ran away from a stereotype and yet found myself in one such!

Starting Over.... in the kitchen

A fresh brand new year.... a new start... a time to give thanks, make plans and be a little sincere about sticking to them. Atleast for a while.

I made no lofty resolutions this year. Much as I waited to usher in the new year, K and I had a couple of drinks, ate very oily Indian Chinese and got into bed by 11 pm. Sage was very restless due to the continuous stream of people in the building, noise of the lift and loud music. Like a nice middle aged couple, we slept, only to be woken up at 12 by Appa!

I started the New year with a brand new development at home. I fired my cook. To cut a long story short, too many excuses, inability to manage her other jobs and a complete disrespect for the many requests I have made to manage time better. At the end of a stalemate, what emerged was I was expected to (and as a result my household) adjust with her shoddiness. I was having none of this, I do not like being taken for granted and the last thing I will do in exchange for my fair treatment and goodness is being taken for a ride. Despite many requests and warnings, when for the nth time she chose to come late despite knowing her cut off time, I asked her to collect her dues and leave.

Those of you who read my blog will know that I miss my earlier cook Renuka terribly. While she wasn't the best cook, she was always smiling and very sincere. The current one, was my househelp and was a better cook. Only thing is after a while, it got too much for her to manage.

Anyways. I have now decided to take over the cooking in our large household of 2 people and a dog (that now eats commercial dog food instead of home made, due to his health condition). I will confess that I am nervous. I haven't cooked full time in over 5 years now. Initially, both K and I had 'regular' jobs and would take our lunches to work. Then I began to mostly stay home, although we did feed Sage home made roti. At the last count, we were using 3 times the amount of groceries, I was still eating 2-3 day old leftovers (what is it with maids never being able to cook smaller quantities of food?), K still eating his lunch from outside and I was anyway cooking dinner all these years. There was also a considerable wastage of cooked food and unused vegetables which would languish in the fridge. Not to mention the monotony of the dishes being churned out.

I am excitedly making a monthly menu to ensure both K and I do not get bored and that I am equipped to efficiently use the morning time. I hate spending unending time in the kitchen. I also cannot fathom spending more than an hour at best to cook a reasonably healthy and tasty meal for two people. I am hoping the planning will help me manage groceries, vegetables and time better. The fridge already looks super clean because there are no leftovers! So wish me luck!

Missing my main lady

I can almost imagine what it must be like for a farmer to watch his parched lands broken into cracks by the unflinchingly harsh sun. Through the months of March till the beginning of June, the sun is relentless. It the worst time of the year to get to know me. I am usually listless, nasty and downright moody. More than permissible levels. and I drink... through the summer... anything liquid... water, chilled buttermilk, cold coffee, and lots of beer. its the only way i can keep sane.

This summer has been different from the last few in a lot of ways. To begin with, it almost reduces me to tears every time I remember that Renuka, my faithful cook for the last 5 years has left me. She had to relocate to her native place to take better care of her alcoholic husband who put the entire burden of earning on her. She has almost 10 people to care for including her husband, 2 children from his deceased first wife and two of her own. the princely sum she was earning in the city working as a cook in as many as 4 houses was proving to be too less because of sky rocketing rents and costs of urban living. She had no option but to go back to the village where she has property and can therefore live rent free. She hugged me and said if she can come back she would first come to me. But her sobs were reserved for Sage. She wept into his fur, holding his head and kissing him. Renuka was irritated when we brought home a dog. within a few weeks, she was inseperable. Calling him her Sona baba, she would cuddle Sage and feed him morsels from her breakfast. Even giving him fruit and allowing him to rob potatoes from the vegetable stand. She would become a wall between him and me when I was annoyed with Sage and wanted to punish him. She made his jowar rotis and hand fed him on the days I left home for work really early. 

Most importantly, for the control freak that I am, it was a tough decision to give up the kitchen and its daily shenanigans to someone else. In a years time, Renuka would be the only one who sometimes knew how much rice we needed for the month! I relaxed a bit and gave over the daily running of the kitchen to her. She would keep track of groceries, vegetables and even stopped asking me what to cook each day. once a week the fridge would be cleaned and bottles washed and dried. In short, she sort of made her place indispensable. the only thing that remained status quo was her cooking. She made excellent rotis, and dal, idlies and podi and araichavitta sambhar and baghara rice... everything else was a hit or miss. some days i would grin and bear. some days smilingly tell her that the food was terrible. but her smiling demeanour and genuine love when she said "madam garam garam paratha kha lo" or "khana ready hai, please kha kar jayiye" was enough for me. And she was regular. No french leave for her. She would plan a twice a year week long trip to bombay to her sister's house and let me know well in advance. i would be annoyed, but by the time she was back, i would want to hug her!

In short, Renuka was too good to be true. the only thing that saddened me was her personal life. With a good for nothing husband, and sons who showed all signs of going the same route, she was the main earning member of a 10 person household which included daughter's in law and grandkids at the ripe age of 40. but she would always be hopeful of the future being good once her sons were done with college and started earning. So when she told me she was unsure of returning, or even if she did, it would be atleast 4 months, I could not say or do anything but to wish her well. tell her to forget about the dues she owed me and thank her for her love and food. 

When she sobbed into a bewildered Sage's fur, her only question was who will make his roti and feed him now?

I struggled for a month. With a long staying guest and amma being here, the mornings at home are once again stressful and chaotic. Amma tries to help. making sage's rotis, chipping in to help with cooking lunch or dinner. But I am impatient, and fastidious and want things done a certain way at a certain pace. So i prefer to do things myself. by 10 a.m i am crankier than the most terrible summer...

My maid stepped in and asked to do the cooking for the extra pay. I was more than happy because she is an excellent cook! We are still grappling with the timings and her getting overwhelmed at times with all the washing and swabbing in addition to the cooking.

I am missing the value Renuka added to my life... and I know that it was just not the cooking... it was everything else she brought with it..

Midweek

Dates, i can hardly tell, now even days i am unable to tell without looking at the phone calendar. What is wrong with me? this morning i mentioned to my friend D that it felt like friday... she said... no... its the perfectly midweek kind of day! i have to agree, i was so cranky when i woke up this morning.... rudely pawed by the Dawg and barked at when i took a few minutes to get out of bed!

after yesterday's break, i was back in the gym, finished my workout with some slight routine changes to ensure i didn't go catch something else! i loved the sweating and the routine... what started as a grumpy morning for god only knows what reason, transformed into a lovely day in the company of two of my girlfriends at the gym. The morning was so gorgeous... cool breeze blowing and the sky changing colours ever so gently. the peacocks in the nearby botanical gardens making that squawking kind of noise...

I got home, drank a mug of milk (puke!) then downed some much needed coffee! felt like a human being after that. I cant believe i have almost given up my morning coffee. I wouldn't be human before I had caffeine in my bloodstream. now all I can think of is to walk the dog, eat my fruit snack, drink water and rush off to the gym.

There's stuff to be done however... no basking in the balcony enjoying the morning sunshine and reading the papers.... cooking to be supervised, dog to be fed and then bathed and some random phone calls to attend before i can wolf down some idlis with some tomato chutney.

That done, i have to go buy some sofa upholstery material. I got this expensive sofa from a premium store in hyderabad. they charged me a bomb telling me it will be made of teak, turns out they are bastard cheaters and the whole effing thing is made of plywood. to add insult to injury, the cushion has gotten all squashed up in less than 6 months. I am so mad, but there is little i can do about it. So i did the next best thing, called my upholstery guy and asked him to repair the piece of shit.

So midweek has been a day of taking stock of my stuff..... I need to spring clean again. there are giant mounds of paper in each drawer i opened today. how was your week so far?

updates about the state of affairs!

so if you have read this post here's an update

attics have been cleaned out
all the stuff "i will use someday" has been thrown out
organised stuff to put away by category
all the knick knacks i have no place for / removed because of Sage, have been boxed and labelled and stored away
got rid of all my old papers/ books (including college notes) and magazines
cleaned out the chest of drawers
organised the crockery units
emptied the third bathroom i was using as a store/ dump

now i need to sort out K's old (read FAT) clothes and arrange for them to be donated
organise the laundry cupboard
organise the balconies and pots and potting stuff
figure out how to hang the damn cane curtains!

am almost done!
am already feeling like a happy shiny person!

this and that

• today's post will be in bullet points!
• have spent a little more than a week in my new home office and i love it
• its pretty, functional and is keeping me motivated to finish my work
• i feel like getting in touch with friends from the past who are no longer an active part of my life
• i know they (friends) arent in the present for certain reasons, but sometimes i just miss them
• am wondering if i should cut my hair really short
• its a few inches above my waist, but i wonder if i can chop it off till above my ears
• i went shopping today after a client meeting
• it was for my entertainment, i spent 4k in the bargain and am feeling very guilty about the needless expense
• all of that was spent on stuff for the house...this makes me less guilty than before
• i miss my mom
• yet i had the most random of phone conversations with her just now!
• i also miss my dad....am talking about him a lot more now than ever before
• i met a friend from college on the weekend...was happy 
• i am hoping to be more gracious about the heat throughout summer

Change...why am i so terrified of it?

Its saturday and i woke up at 7! I havent woken up before 8 in a few weeks now, we've been watching the telly and sleeping past 2 a.m...fourth day in a row i am up early. I severed a longish relationship a few days ago. My househelp D. She was acting up, not taking what i said seriously and so i felt it was time to start over. I dont think she agonised over it as much as i did. I pondered over it, wondered if i was being too harsh, thought of her useless non earning husband and her two school going kids and waited almost 8 months. but i could see each time she did something that pissed me off, that i was one step closer to letting her go.

D worked with me for 4 years, which is rare in the part of town where i live. Maids and drivers hop about from building to building every other month with the promise of 200 bucks more....She was pretty much in sync with how i ran the house and tho excruciatingly slow and sometimes slack with work, she was trustworthy. When we went out of town, she'd have the keys to the house to water the plants etc. 

So this takes me back to why i resisted firing her even when i felt that was needed. I was terrified of not getting someone else, the comfort of having someone who knew exactly how i like things to be done and the training! The security of having a known system that works... frustratingly at times, but functional for the most part. 

I always think of myself as someone who likes to adjust, who works around what i have, even if it means it is less than 100% perfect. I am very cautious about trying not to upset the apple cart. I believe i am wary and scared of change. I like to go with the flow....

But if i look back, i think i sweat the small stuff... returning a pack of bad quality stuff to the grocer, getting back some deposit that i paid and didnt get service for, letting the autowallah overcharge me because i am just grateful to get home etc....

In the stuff that is bigger, like work and career and life plans, i have just taken leaps of faith. Let's see.... I've moved to places to study and work where i didnt know anyone but for a few classmates, i've moved jobs without having another one in hand simply because i knew the current one wasn't feeling right, I've bought an apartment on impulse ( i saw just one, and finalised it in 2 hours), hell i even dated (and married) a guy with no regard to my "must have" checklist!

I mean, how many people do you know, who said in the retention interviews..." i want some time off to find myself...i dont know what i will do, but i am sure i wont work an office job" or someone who says "i love the french doors opening onto the balcony! lets buy this house!" or encouraged K to quit working  so he could write his book at a time when I too wasnt working and said we'd manage fine....

I dont think i did too badly then....its the mundane stuff that i want on auto pilot...I like to have a schedule and a routine for mundane stuff... i hate wasting time especially in housework even if i am doing nothing else.... the only stuff i enjoy is cooking and arranging cupboards....so the sooner i could outsource all of that, the better....I've seen amma agonise over things which i think are silly... like paying a little extra to get a job done...and get worked up over the maid not coming in... i simply call in a replacement...and the world wont come to a standstill if the dishes arent done one day.

I know people who wait half the day for the maid or the plumber or the electrician to come in and fix something...and everything else is on standby till these people show up and get the work done. I would get tired of waiting and get cranky and that is not a good thing (ask K). I know households who dont have a routine or a schedule and everything is on a daily decision basis... i'd go crazy if it was like that... i like regularity....there are some things which are a total drain of time if they need daily supervision. that would tire me... maybe that's why i didnt want to upset the apple cart of the house...

So anyways, i called for a replacement, i interviewed 4 and picked one...so far no complaints...i'd feel like a miserable failure if i cant get my househelp to do things the way I wanted! 

the search that never ends

do you get into a frenzy searching for something and then realise that you've saved for some inexplicable reason every goddamn bill for groceries, beauty parlours, clothes and sundry other purchases, receipts from insurance payments, milk and newspaper bills etc and yet, can't seem to find the bill for the laptop you bought a few months ago?

i am seized with thoughts that are doing nothing for my self esteem right now.... i am hearing voices that are telling me that i am the world's worst organiser... yeah i keep a pretty home... but i cant seem to find one damn paper when i need it... i would have shoved it somewhere safe am sure... but where that is i dont know now... 

a few months later, when i need to find the bill for the vaccum cleaner... that's when i'll find my laptop bill.... in the meantime, the adaptor that needs to be replaced and will be done under the warranty will have to wait till i can get a duplicate bill from the store i bought it from!

in the mean time, bags and bags of cards and letters, from friends, family and people in the past....craft supplies i really ashamed to acknowledge i have had and done nothing with....and other stuff which i junked or organised as best i could... i then took the easy route out and asked the retailer for a duplicate invoice... today hopefully i wont forget that i need to continue to sort and organise stuff once my laptop is fixed....not a good way to start the week if you ask me....

i must say i had a great weekend. It began on friday night when j & b came over... we've not met up for various work related schedules and schemed... we pigged out totally... home made pizza, traditional south indian, indian chinese, parathas, biryani and italian inspired food... that was what we ate at the various meals... it was food and movies and a good time... the amount of alchohol stocked in our fridge was embarrassing. I had a chocolate class after a long time and enjoyed it so much. i need to keep this going. the summer's heat has ensured that i havent been able to have a class for ages...this time i shifted the timing to the afternoon and it worked well. So maybe this should work out for the next few weeks before it cools off. 

i feel much more calm now that i have managed to get the complaint for my laptop registered. Let's hope this ends well for me. take care and love to those of you who're still reading my rumblings here!

nasty start

right now i am so mad i think i will burst a vessel. yesterday my not so trusty maid D didnt turn up. she'd taken a days leave and extended it by a day with no info. i always tell them to let me know so i can have a back up plan. she's just gotten back from leave of 13 days, i paid her full salary and i think i am being taken for a ride. She's been with me 3 yrs now and she's always been the recipient of my goodness. no salary cuts even when i have to pay extra for the replacement maid, a tv which she's paying 50% for cos her kids were after her life and she was after mine, loans which i dont know when she will pay off, money for treatment and medicines for when she falls sick & everyday treatment which is very nice, basically this is a good workplace. its reflected in the fact that i have 3 maids knocking my doors when this one doesnt turn up and asks for someone to help out didi.... i cant understand why she cant be trustworthy. i yelled at her this morning and i am feeling bad about it. I never yell at the maids...but i wonder if after 3 yrs i am being taken for granted. 

tomorrow K's family will be here. while i cherish my alone time and tend to get cranky when there is too much happening around me, i am looking forward to them being here..... a lot depends on this trip. i hope for the best...that relocation works out for all of us. 

i spent a good 4 hours at the parlour yesterday. it was after a long time that i did anything apart from just waxing my legs and getting my brows threaded. when i saw myself in the mirror this morning, i felt like a weight had lifted from my face...literally, since i got a face clean up done. I am wary of subjecting myself to these things. and the few times i actually got a facial done, i broke out in pimples/ rash.... but this one... just a clean up felt good....maybe i should do one each month, now that i am on the right side of thirty with all the stuff about aging skin etc, but considering i cant stick to even a regimen of cleansing properly at home, i wonder if this is wishful thinking....which brings me to another random thing.... i am greying at an alarming rate... i think i have about 5 tufts of grey, especially at the temples and just after my hairline.... while i never wanted to colour my hair chemically, simple because of the hairloss all my friends have reported and the logistics of maintaining it regularly, mehndi is out of the picture because of the smell that K hates.... so am wondering now if there is some way of stopping this.... each day i seem to have sprouted a few new ones.....am all for aging gracefully, just didnt think it would be this soon! my mother used to be called my grandmother when i was in school because of her greys... that kind of freaked me out back then itself....

anyway.... am done for now... gotto go take care of other stuff.... ciao and have a day that's better than mine

monday

spent the whole day alone at home. did some work, caught up on some correspondence, but that apart it was quite a boring day. fortunately the rains have cooled off the city and i sat without the fan almost the entire day... funnily enough, we had erratic power supply the whole time....apart from the mandatory 2 hrs during the day, the power was off from 3.30 p.m till 10.00. to say that i was not prepared for this is putting it mildly. while we do have power backup, the plug points dont work. so save for reading, there's no other form of entertainment....i decided to read a book i'd picked up a few months ago. i'd picked some light reading and a couple of chick lit book. this one is called right fit wrong shoe or something. it is about 180 pages of crap. so shallow and silly that i cant even get over it. it is a desi M&B with a complete hangover...the guy is a business magnate and has a palatial house in kanpur complete with 2 swimming pools, indoor and outdoor, badminton, tennis and golf course and a gazebo.... gosh... i couldnt believe what i was reading....love- hate, cat- mouse... a few love scenes which neither have justification nor are well written, just plain gauche...at under 100 rupees, it wasn't a waste of money, but definitely a waste of time. why did i finish reading it? well, for starters i am not a quitter. and i wanted to know how it ends, plus there was some hope that it would take an interesting turn. the heroine of the book has a bollywood hangover which is the only refreshing part of the book... if you havent read it, stay away. if you want desi m&b pick it up, if you live in hyd, i can give you my copy!

K's been busy with work and hence comes home quite late. am just waiting for the couple more days before his family comes from ahmd. atleast i wont be rattling in an empty home. 

plus side is we've eaten a lot of home cooked meals.... after the 2 days of withdrawal and denial that renuka wasnt going to be here for 10 days, i kind of am enjoying the stint in the kitchen!

overdosing on movies

been a nondescript week of sorts so far....we ended the weekend with S, R, A and baby G coming over and the high point for them was the biryani from four seasons and for me the CSK win... i may be called a traitor or whatever...but who can resist MSD? not me.... 

monday was a quiet day with me working from home and only in the evening we had a meeting followed by dinner with the team I work with. It was sort of a run up to an AGM and some stuff was discussed. Dinner was at a pretty popular chinese restaurant,, which has good food and very sucky service...they didnt disappoint, either with the food or the service which sucked big time. tuesday was an early day, we continued the AGM with numbers and revenues...and I'm pretty numb after it all. I am very focused right now on what i will do and that's all that matters at the end of the day i guess... still i cant help feeling a bit like i have much more in me to be explored workwise...and its a chicken and egg situation...should i put more effort and wait for the encouragement and praise or vice versa.... because i know to launch into the next phase, i need some wind under my wings.

Mid week was non descript too. I am watching a lot of tamil and telugu movies, videos, movie clips, interviews etc...I realise that if i stay away because of the language issues, i will miss so much genious...So far we've seen Madurey (vijay) which was very sub standard, Polladhavan (dhanush) yesterday which has excellent screenplay, acting and cinematography despite being a masala mass movie... new respect there for dhanush....a few days ago we saw Kantri (NTR Jr.) who despite the weight loss packs a punch and has excellent screen presence... cant stand that hansika motwani tho....Watched bits of Magadheera, which i loved...paruthiveeran...stark, excellent, but too gory for me... karthi and priyamani in top class acts...cant believe its karthi's first movie... we have another pile of tamil / telugu movies waiting...need to plough thru them as well...

Listening to Raavan now... ARR's music always needs to grow on me...i need to go cook lunch now.... K's taken the day off today....sanathnagar factory later today for a dinner set etc for B's mom....

Shopping ...........

Every year, at Christmas, i give my house help a saree and some sort of a bonus. With the bandhs the whole month of december, i couldnt get this done on time. I have two ladies working for me, Renuka is the cook who makes our breakfast and lunch, she's been with me since for about 6 months, and Devi who does the other housework and has been with me for 3 years now. On christmas day, i just gave them cake and the special preparations and the bonus, and asked for time to give them the sarees. They got all giddy and giggly and said i can take my time.... i surely took them seriously!! Today after work, i set out to shop. I landed up at one of those huge malls within a store type of places.... to save me the bother of searching for something appropriate and finding many choices under the same roof.

i always face this dilemma when i buy stuff for them. how does one choose for someone who does household work.... what kinds of clothes would they like to buy /wear considering most of them manage with what they get as hand me downs from their employers rather than new clothes from the store....what colours should i choose... the ones i wear are considered dull and drab by them....what material....and how much should i spend....i dont want to give them something cheap, just for the sake of giving them.... but something that they will wear and feel happy in.... is this all too much?

i picked up a couple of those embellished sarees with all the sequins in it. (because i know Devi loves them)..then i moved on to another counter where i saw some "fake kanchi" sarees and felt they would be better suited in terms of maintenance and wear-ability and also since i took the sequinned route last year... i settled on three. (one for the lady who sweeps the corridors and stairs and also is my backup maid).... also bought a gold plated mangalsutra for one cos the one she is currently wearing is held together with more safety pins than chain.....and a set of 4 bangles for the other so she wont feel she got a bad deal....

i will present them tomorrow. Honestly i feel as anxious as any of the other times when i hope the gift i have chosen is well liked.....

oh and the coloured plastic baskets are for myself!! i had to pay myself a commission after all!! Also one hell of a soft blanket for K because he loves his blankets and the current razai is taking up too much space on our bed.... plus it was on discount!!

nearly there.... but not yet

its almost the ending of the year... this year has gone by so quickly that i cant even recollect most of it.. also shows that its been a rather unspectacular year... if there was a word like that....lets just suffice to say that a lot of expectations i had from the work i was meant to do weren't fulfilled, that left me rather disappointed.....

this year actually just ambled along... of course the most wonderful memories have been the personal journeys.... but more on that later....

As i sit at the table this morning.... having my second cup of coffee and writing this, i think the single most significant change this year for me has been the addition of a cook to my household. I now cant imagine life without her!! she's got the temperament that would've made her a top HR leader in any company, no request too much for her, and even when she wants to refuse, she does it with such finesse that i am left gaping!! cooking has become a pleasure once more and no longer a chore for me.... and i love it that my nails and fingers no longer smell of onions!! she's truly had a huge hand in liberating my mind... i would some days wake up with panic that i needed to cook!! its helped me organise myself much better.... i now have a set routine for buying of produce, groceries, kitchen maintenance... and i love that i can choose to get involved or simply delegate and supervise.....

K and I have been on the cusp of a lot of things... he's moved into consulting after much thought and heartache....and those were some anxious moments we had.... as a couple, and as professionals. the company he has started has seen a fair amount of progress and i cant even begin to express how proud i am of him, and the sheer joy that i just lucked out in finding him!!

ok... i took a trip i wasn;t planning to...... am going to reserve all of that for a propah year ending post.... till then lovelies.... tally ho!!

on the side, i am reading anita jain's marrying anita... so far, i am loving it....