December Grace

Its been a hectic month. After a couple of months of taking it easy with the studio, December is a month I was determined to go full throttle at work. Festive season is here which means that the baking classes pick up. I also had a friend come over and bake with me. She was to donate some goodies to charity and I offered moral and logistical support. Had a fun day baking, was a different experience for me. 

The planning with work and managing the home has helped immensely to take the pressure off me. I have begun to do laundry just twice a week instead of everyday. I even got my recipe guides printed way ahead of time this month and I cannot tell you how much that has helped. 

Sage has started to understand now that he will spend periods of time without me. He keenly and sulkily watches me as I dress to go out or for work. He doesn't like it, and if I have stayed out too long I do get the odd bite on my wrist, but he has settled (touch wood).  I have also begun to tell him he has to sit in the car without panicking when I stop on errands, I leave the window 1 inch open and dash back in less than 10 minutes and he's been fine. It eases a lot of pressure now that he has this down as a practice. Otherwise it was one made run around of dropping him home, settling him down and heading out again for small errands. It's not ideal to leave a dog in a locked car, but this will have to do for situations I cannot help. 

K has been busy as always. On one occasion he had to be part of a conference call with colleagues from the car itself as we were returning from somewhere together, what began at 12 pm went on till 7:30 PM. The guy ate his lunch, took loo breaks and tea breaks all while the call droned on and on. I cannot explain how bad I felt for him. It was draining and utterly boring to say the least. And he tells me this is how it is at least a couple of times a week. As for me, after a few hours, I did feel like I was locked in a room with a TV channel I couldn't change. Mind numbingly boring and to hear voices droning on and on is terrible!

The devastating floods in Chennai was a large part of my month. My Mom and brother's family fortunately were safe and they almost felt guilty. I saw the frenzy and wished I could do more than just RT calls for help and relay information. There were groups of people organising help and relief materials and very spontaneously I asked a group in Hyd how I could help. Due to the presence of a large number of ladies in the relief camps, there was a dire need for sanitary pads and underwear for them. I decided that food and water was coming in plenty and raised money specifically for this. In less than 48 hours, I was able to raise one lakh from friends and donated the material that was needed. I felt so blessed to be able to help in this small way and realised I have a tremendous amount of goodwill. 

Not everything was calm and composed though. After 5 days of not being able to make any contact with K's dad's youngest brother, I sent out an SOS on twitter. The area the 60+ couple live in was one of the worst affected and online updates spoke of 9-10 feet of flooding. I sent out an SOS on twitter and a good Samaritan waded through neck deep water to check on them. The couple had 4 feet of water in their first floor apartment and my uncle fractured his foot after a fall wading through water, but were otherwise OK. Some really tense moments for all of us there. 

With this kind of busy, I am largely focusing on the important. Yet at the end of a long day when I lay my head on the pillow, I am unable to shut out a few thoughts, that are haunting me. I can't seem to make sense of some things that have happened.  For now I have just decided to let things beyond my control just be.

My dearest friend B turned a day older and she flew down from Bangalore to be in town just for dinner (Pretty Woman style). We went out for a suitably celebratory dinner and I even dressed up!

I finally saw Bahubali and actually liked it. We've been going out quite a bit since the last few months.

My friend U decided to turn producer for a short film she's producing, it's going to be online content, and I sent her a token amount because I told her I would like to be a part of everything she does. She sent me kisses!

December has been all about the things most important ~ family and friends who are like family, work and the love of Sage. 

Of re-training and enjoying it

I haven't posted much here. Not because I have nothing to say (that is NEVER the case with me) but only because I haven't enough time to say it. For those of you that follow the Escapades page on facebook, you will know that the studio takes up most of my time. What is left, gets rationed out between the resident dog and K, not particularly in that order.

I've fallen into a good routine and slowly but surely, I've become a regular working woman again. I never stopped working, but operating part time and from the comfort of your house sort of skews the picture for oneself and others. It is the sort of situation where you appear to be working/employed but aren't really 'going' anywhere, and so to the whole world and sometimes yourself, it appears that you aren't actually doing anything. This is a truly terrible state to be in. One, your work becomes the lowest hanging fruit and is usually dropped or abandoned when other tasks or issues come up. Hospital visits, guests, emergencies at home, shopping trips and such like. I say this because I know this happened with me a lot. Each time Sage's health is on shaky ground, parents need something or K is travelling, I rescheduled and work around the situation. This is exactly the kind of flexibility one looks forward to in the independent worker / part timer / own boss situation. And while it works well most of the time, it is frustrating to be constantly juggling and letting go of work if there are other situations that need your attention and time.  

When I was exclusively working from home, I often found myself doing work 'only' in the pockets of time that were free anyway. Free from chores, familial responsibilities and dog care. This in turn made me very frustrated and not to mention angry and crabby at times because I was spinning around in circles. I was not giving my work the kind of space and respect it deserved, and feeling very inept at handling my situation. 

This is not true for everyone. I know a lot of families and people who work from home have a better grip on their situation. 

Last year when I moved my classes from home into a studio, I had teething issues that I didn't account for. When I had a scheduled class, I realized, I would have to be at the studio at-least an hour in advance if I wanted to be ready when my students walk in. This in turn meant I had to get done with whatever I wanted to do, get dressed and show up at the studio. The luxury of prepping for class in the middle of cooking lunch or breakfast, getting dressed as I arranged my work table, and worst of all opening my kitchen pantry and pulling out an ingredient I needed did not exist anymore. I had to be well prepared for a class. Do my shopping ahead of time, plan and finish my chores, ensure I had all the stuff needed for a class at the studio AND be there an hour ahead. 

I will admit it has been a steep learning curve. I am a creature of habit. To change that habit and create a new one has been cruel. I've had a few terrifying days. Nothing that has killed me, but at that time I imagined it would. The mind shift has been the most difficult. To acknowledge that this is no longer a kitchen garden set up. 

For the last 6 months tho, the shift is very visible. Not just for me, but K and Sage as well. The biggest hurdle was Sage. With his epilepsy, it is a delicate state. I nursed him for 14 months without stepping out of the house unless there was someone else with him. He needed medication every 4 hours, he was clingy (medicine induced) and jumpy all the time and we were terrified of something happening to him if I so much as stepped out of his sight. I didn't have the confidence to lock him in the house for the time that I needed to be out and working. So everything got sacrificed. Couple time, movies, dinners with friends, gym, everything. If I had to step out, K had to be at home. With a demanding job that involves travelling, K being available to watch Sage wasn't happening too much and we regressed back into a time when he was a puppy and needed 24/7 attention. 

We began retraining Sage to be on his own for small intervals of time. I would lock him in, take a walk around my building and come back in 10 minutes. Supermarket visits followed and then I started running regular errands, going out for coffee or lunch with friends and K and I began accepting dinner invites and appeared to be lesser snobs!

The training has worked for the most part. The home and family have fallen into a routine and this is a good thing. I have my class schedule done at the beginning of the month so everyone knows what to expect. The maid too comes in and does her work without asking for much supervision. On days that I work, I leave home around 9:30 and am back by late afternoon, sometimes as late as 3, but I still get to give Sage his medication, have lunch at home and catch a snooze on lucky days. 

Mornings are super organised and efficient with the washing machine loaded and running even before I've had my coffee! And I must admit I like this more than anything else because it just sets the pace for the day. And when I come home completely drained after my class, I don't have to worry about what to cook or house chores to finish. 

The entire household now is oriented towards having me leave as per my schedule for the day. Including family who desist from calling me for a casual chat on work mornings. I am at ease and I work better without the niggling stress. I also come back home with a stronger feeling of control over my day and as a result of it my life!

So from a stay at home person, I am now a 4 times a week working person. On the days that I don't have scheduled classes, but need to work on orders or develop a recipe, I take Sage with me to the studio. He is ecstatic and loves me extra on those days. He sits around, naps and sometimes just walks into my neighbour's flat to be pampered and spoilt silly. 

I didn't realise it till a few weeks ago, that now I am working on a schedule and regimen akin to when I was fully employed. The only difference being I work through the weekend and usually try and take an off on Monday's. This hasn't worked out so well. I still end up doing some writing or baking for orders or other sundry work, but hey, every working person does this. None of us can claim to be fully cut off from work on off days. But yes, mentally  I am getting my one day a week off. 
I don't know if it is true for all women, but I know a large chunk of us get buried under our own guilt if we have to prioritise work over family life. I think its just the way we are conditioned. We are expected to sacrifice. If we don't, we are bitches, if we do we are push overs. Having said all of this, its completely upto us alone to figure out some working model. Each of us has one as unique as ourselves. What works for me will not for another. 
So far, this is a functional model for me and my household. I hope this good run continues!
What has been keeping you busy and occupied? Tell me, I'd love to hear your story. 

Updates and happenings

Its been a month since my last post. Time flies and I have not come here with a post in my head several times a week. Infact for a brief while I forgot about this blog completely. 

Life has a way of taking over when you feel you can't even move. The momentum of things in general will push you forward and compel you to go through the motions. I went through a few weeks of utter immobility. And gradually, without even my noticing, tasks piled up and I just had to come back to my reality. Dog had to be walked, fed and taken care of, meals had to be cooked, baths had to be taken, classes had to be taught and bills had to be paid. 

A couple of things happened that shook me hard and real! Forced me out of my stupor. A messed up order, which I had planned for, but on the wrong date. Lounging one morning after a particularly hectic weekend of classes, I pondered over doing half the work for the order which was due the next day. Telling myself that I deserved the slow lane for a bit more, I lounged some more. A casual call at lunch time to the client and a bomb was dropped on me. She wanted the order of 400 cupcakes on monday and not tuesday that was mentioned earlier. We had somehow, mixed the "days" up! And what was more, the order was needed at 4 pm, it was 1 pm when I called her. I initially told her to cancel, that there was no way I could finish baking, frosting and packing 400 cupcakes and reach them to the venue by 4 pm. The client told me she had no other back up plans and I had to wing what I could. 

After 15 minutes of cold sweat and panic, I rushed into action mode. Bungled my sleeping dog into the car, I instructed Amma to finish her lunch and come to the studio to help. Made an SOS to a baker friend, and called for our driver from K's office. Together, with me baking, amma assembling the packing boxes, my friend S frosting and the driver generally doing what was asked of him, with the timer sounding like a death knell, we managed to bake, frost and pack 400 cupcakes by 4. We got them delivered by 4.30 and then finally I breathed easy.

Why am I recording this story? I am firstly not proud of what I did. I need to have a more effective system of tracking my work. What I am proud of is working my way through this problem. Finding a solution and not shutting my brains down was the plus for me. A few years ago, a crisis, however big or small would make me shut down completely and not needing to be rescued.

That reinforcement was the biggest gain for me. That i can face a problem head on, even if it is self created, work through it and try and find a solution.

At the end of the day, I did two things, began updating my work immediately as it came in on the phone reminder, and painted one of the walls in my home kitchen with black board paint to write down assignments.

Day 5 ~ Work

Grateful for the work experiences I have had. The ones in my corporate career and all its phases. 

The first job at 16, earning a pittance, but what taught me the value of money. 

The first job post my MBA which made me think I am fancy and then brought me crashing down to realise I was the only woman, there were no toilets and people really viewed me as a nuisance more than anything. It made me swallow my ego, really learn my job so that I could speak with authority and knowledge and remember how much more there was for me to learn. 

The period of unemployment very early in life. Which made me desperate for opportunities, respectful of my skills and taught me to value myself and the opportunities I was given.

My phase of customer service, where I had no idea why everyone was unhappy with me although I was doing everything correctly. I realised that I needed to develop and fine tune my skills AKA practice voice modulation. My boss RS who inspired me with his integrity and taught me that sometimes one makes huge sacrifices for standing your ground.

Moving to Corporate Training which made me humble, swallow my ego and embrace the fact that I didn't have all the answers. It made me realise I have boundless energy and I am like an energiser bunny when I am inspired enough. The thrill when people I have trained remember and connect with me 7-8 years after they've attended a session. The success I enjoyed as a trainer was the most in all my professional roles. 

The confidence to let go of a regular job to do stuff on my own - writing, blogging and other things like selling garments in a pop up bazaar, all of which paid the bills even when I didn't have a regular job.  

Discovering what 'Dignity of Labour' meant to me in a very personal way, when I began making chocolates to sell. That I value every pie I earn because it comes from the labour of my two hands has been an empowering and humbling experience. The freedom to choose cooking classes. The very twisted satisfaction I get every time someone looks at me with pity when I say that I teach cooking (because I am weird like that, and hello, internally I am smiling). 

The balls err OK, spine to open a full fledged cooking studio. I didn't realise what a huge leap of faith it was till people started complimenting the move.  

Work that gives me money, satisfaction, freedom and the fire in my belly to do more. Work that has taught me to value my skills and my abilities, work that has made me overcome so many fears. I am grateful for this journey, because I know not many have the opportunity to experiment like I do. 

Lessons from IFBM

It's been over a week. Its in the past and it has been accomplished. I quite felt like Jesus Christ last week when the IFBM was finally over and I landed squat in the middle of loudly talking people inside an egg (An egg shaped lounger by the pool). I looked up to the setting sun over Bangalore and silently told myself "It is finished".

For better or worse, the project that I took up with a few others had been done, completed and seen through to the final goodbyes.

IFBM meant many things to me personally and rabidly to me as a blogger. Personally it was a challenge and I had fast-track lessons in multi tasking, project management, people skills and selling. There were other lessons too, but those are not as significant as these ones. The meet could not have come at a more busy time in my life. I had just launched the studio and with it came the ginormous anxiety of scheduling, planning, managing and conducting classes. K told me in not so uncertain terms that I was making a huge mistake. That I was taking on a project that would yield me nothing (monetarily) and yet suck out every ounce of my time and energy.

He was not wrong. But I was sure of what I was doing. I knew his warnings meant "don't come whining to me" and I didn't, almost entirely. The minute I would utter IFBM, he would give me the eye roll and I would stfu.

Amma had her operation at the end of June, and her prep and recovery took a lot out of me as well. She stayed independent and I got a lot of help from my MIL, but the anxiety and the post operative care were squarely on me and that drained me more than I wanted to admit. Sage could not have chosen a worse time to take his epilepsy up a few notches and while I know the poor bugger had no say in the matter, it came like a cluster and stayed there with days and nights of no sleep and added anxiety.

Personally I wanted to push myself and see where it would take out of me. I have seen a surge of energy and enthusiasm in me when the going gets tough and I was relying purely on adrenalin to see me through what intelligence, hard work and planning couldn't supply. I have never been this driven to prove a point, or make something work. I have always been the person to do a recce and abandon a project if it seemed too much work. The last year and a half have made me mentally stronger if nothing else. And I was determined to listen to everyone who mattered and had an opinion, but only follow my heart and do what I felt was right.

I've always shied away from sales. And IFBM pushed the envelope for me. From talking about the concept and articulating it to the people who formed the team, getting bloggers to participate and most importantly get brands and sponsors on board. I had a few moments of feeling like an insecure housewife with no exposure to the corporate world, I felt I would be called out for being silly and worse still - stupid. But that didn't stop me. Talking to potential participants, vendors, partners, brands and team mates, no issues - Bring it on.

I had a few very uncomfortable conversations (more on that later, in another post) all through the run up and even post IFBM. I had conversations that had me clutching at my heart while I had them, but I had them. I didn't let my personal threshold for comfort come between what needed to be done. I discovered that if I am sincere and honest, I can speak my mind and not care about the repercussions.

As a blogger, IFBM was important to me for the sole reason that I had this vision to create a platform that would not be dwarfed by any single or a collective of individual bloggers. Having been a blogger for over 7 years now, I still see myself as an outsider to food blogging for several reasons. I don't have an agenda for my blog. After all these years, that still rings true. Design, photographs, stats and PR clout still don't bother me. The blog is something I love writing, but it will never have a frenzied agenda. It has led me to several things, the most life changing being my studio, but it will never take over my life. I acknowledge the many beautiful and successful blogs, the ones that have been monetized and those that have crossed over to being other successful things like writers and consultants.

So when we conceptualised IFBM, I wanted it to be a platform for bloggers of all kinds to come and make their own, small, big, old, new, regular and not so, famous and the unknown. The platform has now been created and it was heartening to see the bonding amongst bloggers from across the country. They met as old friends. I met several people I have known and admired through their blogs. Some felt like long lost friends and with some I know I will definitely keep in touch.

Several times during the course of this event, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Doing something with a set of like minded people who display enthusiasm and energy is one thing. Circumventing fragile egos and self appointed experts who only want the spotlight is something else. Twice I considered pulling out. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had. For one, I believe I am not a quitter, for the second, this was a dream I had nurtured for so long and that alone made me want to honour it and not give up.

Becoming a solutions seeker was another important lesson learnt. Not allowing any situation or person to bog me down. And never ever talking down to myself.

At times when there was complete lack of clarity, I just listened to my heart. Some very important decisions were made as a leap of faith and they totally reiterated that taking those leaps were the best things to do. Aloft the hotel was chosen by one such leap and I am a richer person to have partnered with them. They made me realise what passion, focus and humility to accept any kind of work would result in. They humbled me with the trust and belief they put in the event I represented and made me aim for much more especially at times when there wasn't much support coming through from any other source.

The sessions turned out to be value giving and I was happy for that. As a trainer and as a person with a very low threshold for failure and high personal standards, I know that the content needs to be worked on for the next time. While there were a few things which went awry, most of the event went very well and as per schedule. The ecstasy on the faces of the participants was testimony to how much they enjoyed it.

In the end, all those fears were put to rest and we pulled off a spectacular event. The press coverage has been kind and I have had to turn off the notifications on FB to stay sane after a couple of days!

I have a mile long list of things that need fixing. I didn't bask in the afterglow for very long because there was just so much physical and mental debris to clear out. After holding myself in high energy and alertness over 4 days, I had a sudden overwhelming wave of fatigue hit me. In one stroke, my body felt like lead and I advanced my ticket to return home. I could not have trudged through another day without burying my face in the fur of my puppy. As I boarded the flight back home, after an argument with the airline for excess baggage (20 kilos!) and stone cold idlis, I realised, for better or worse, I had done it. I had stayed the course and managed to put the result of something much larger than myself before me. It was finished…. I was free to go back home and play with my puppy and sleep and eat like a normal human.

I came back home with a raging fever that lasted 1 full day. I realised how much physical and mental bandwidth this event had taken out of me. But I was very pleased, that it didn't scare me, that it didn't get the better of me and the results were there for everyone to see.

If there is one very important lesson I learnt from IFBM, it was never ever to lower my standards for anything or anyone. To always stay focused on what is important. There will be many things that come as irritants, acknowledge them, but don't allow them to hijack what you set out to achieve.

In another time and day, I could have never done this. I was grateful for the support of R. For the voice of reason and non stop ear to my rants, we formed a formidable pair and it was nice to see that passion in another person. I drew from her strenght as I hope she was able to draw from me. Valuable lessons learnt, but importantly meaningful relationships strengthened.

A month of eventful things

Mostly good, some anxious, but by now I have realised "that's the way it rolls"

June 2014 will be memorable for many things. The most important being that I took a huge step and took off the safety net that is my house. For those of you that follow my shindigs on FB where I am hyperactive, you do know that I have an exclusive space to call my own. Escapades Culinary Studio as it is now known has moved from its protective home set up to an actual studio. My classes, were conceived and was born via my Cooking blog. I didn't think too deeply when I was looking for a name for my blog, neither did I give much thought to the URL. I just went with the flow and in less than 2 minutes, decided that my chocolate making classes would be an extension of the blog, since it started there. I just called it Culinary Escapades and was done with it. 

After a few fits and coughs, in August last year, the classes gathered steam. I was done treating it like a hobby. I was ready to invest more into it. Read all about my story and the journey here. Once I signed the lease for the space, it took a month to get things started at the Studio, purely because of my various niggling health issues. 

June began with the trepidation of having started something I am excited and nervous about all at once. It is one thing to follow your passion, it is another thing to stand beside your work with seriousness and invest more than just time in it. Suddenly the passion needs a name, an address, a scorecard, a performance report and a balance sheet. 

Yesterday I closed classes for the month at the studio. It has been an interesting time. So much to learn and so much to do better. I realise now how much I took having the convenience of operating from home for granted. Setting up and doing a class in the studio is fabulous. I do not worry about trampling upon my private living space, I don't have to worry about taking 30 minutes longer with students and encroaching meal times for family, but I also need to be super well planned and set up because there is no home pantry / supplies and cutlery to dip into :)

In between the classes, Amma decided to go back to Chennai. She is under the care of a very compassionate doctor in Hyderabad for her eyes. Being one eyed and that too partially sighted, we take very few chances with the state of her eyes. Just before she left, the doctor asked for a full check up and found that she had to undergo surgery at the earliest for her eye. It is a cataract, but given her age and her already damaged sight, it is very important that this is done with utmost care, precaution and precision. So tomorrow she will be operated and while we are all anxious, we are also very confident of the skill of the doctor. Amma has had a week to prepare herself and I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for the support of K's parents. Especially my MIL has been a tower of strength and confidence, not just to me, but Amma as well. In fact for all the preliminary tests that had to be done, because I was stuck at home with Sage, MIL volunteered to take her and got everything done. Her quiet reassurance is something that I am eternally grateful for. 

Last sunday, in a freak accident at home, a part of my right earlobe got ripped off. I was lying down on the bed, talking to my mom and K's mom after a family lunch, and my earring got stuck in the band of my finger ring. Before I knew it, my ear lobe was hanging and it was all quite gory. I had the courage to simply unscrew the dangling earring, wrap a towel around my ear and jump into the car and drive myself to the casualty ward of the nearest hospital. After some shoddy first aid, I was sent back home. I went to another doctor to get it stitched up the next day. Blocking out the pain and not thinking of the gore has certainly helped. I had a class the very next day and I decided that nothing would stop me from finishing it as planned. 

One of the things I have learnt in the past year of taking my work to the next level is to persist and persevere and be committed even when the odds are against you. Nothing gives me more satisfaction or boosts my confidence as getting through a tough day with bonus points. 

As I look back on this month, which has not yet ended, I am happy with how it has panned out. There are so many more things to do and I am no longer worried or intimidated by any of it. 

And to end this, a picture of the boy who helps me keep it real and tells me to chill out.... he never takes me seriously and gives me sharp raps if I get heavy headed :)

Taking off the safety net

Early this year, I set myself a target. This is a departure from how I usually function. I have never been ambitious. That has been my virtue and my vice. Virtue because it allows me to do things and enjoy the moment with nothing else but the experience. My vice because I do not push harder, much to the chagrin of all of my superiors in any job that I have had. My feedback was always "Can do way better" and that used to break my heart. 

I felt sad for the girl who always took up a task wholeheartedly, not aggressively, with the utmost sincerity and yet no one seemed to notice. No one seemed to notice the honest effort or the earnestness or that the job was well done. All everyone saw was that it could have been better. I was always a work in progress. A person who's potential was not utilised. Every appraisal, I hoped my bosses would see my sincerity, every appraisal I was given a list of 4 names who had done better. 

My clients loved me, my trainees adored me, I always had feedback averaging at 9/10. But that was never a reflection of how my superiors saw me. 

I have attention span deficit. An activity does not hold my attention for longer than a few months and that has been my weakness. I have started several things and they fizzle out within a few months. Hobbies and interests are sacrificed at the altar of 'real work' or schedule or family. So when last August, I decided to give my cooking classes a fresh lease of life, I decided to focus on targets. This was to test if I really had it in me to run with an idea. To test if what I had in mind was viable, and above all to see if I had the sustenance to see it through. 

By the end of the year, I was to decide if I really wanted to continue with the cooking classes. I had them running for about 6 years. The breaks both big and small that I had taken were largely unnoticed by everyone except that I felt guilty that I was under performing as usual . I wanted to make a decision based on some numbers - and not on a (not so) baseless "I don't feel like doing this now"

December came and went. 2013 was a tumultuous year in every way and I drew a lot of strength and courage from teaching in my class. It lifted my spirit and gave me the confidence to face another day. So by December I knew, that I was capable of sticking with something as long as it was interesting. I told myself that it was upto me to make my classes interesting, I needed to evolve as much as I wanted my classes to.

For the next quarter, I set myself another target. I was to make a decision on moving the classes out of the house. This meant I had to set a target for enrollments and objectively look at recovering overheads and other costs. By the end of March, I was convinced this was the next step - to move out of the house.

Not just the scaling up, there were several personal reasons to make the move. My home was used as headquarters. While it has served me faithfully and well for all these years, the sheer logistics of managing all the material and groceries meant for the classes was boggling. Every inch of storage space was being used and as a result, material scattered over the house. The kitchen and pantry was the worst hit. No demarcation between supplies for home and supplies for my classes meant that my monthly grocery bills had skyrocketed and I am not that great at keeping accounts! The family was deeply affected. While they didn't mind it and were extremely supportive, the stress of class day was becoming taxing. K and Sage were under house arrest for the time that people were at home. Sometimes classes extend and students tend to hang around, lunch times would get inordinately delayed. Sage is epileptic and on strict medication for it. He needed to be leashed for the duration of the sessions and that would also induce stress in him. It took me an hour after the class wound up to pacify him on most days. I couldn't have more frequent classes because it was too much to ask of the family and home. I was uncomfortable with my very personal space was now open to strangers. For as long as I could think of it, I told myself that I would be better off with the classes at home.

After all the discomfort I mentioned, it also had manifold advantages. Since the home and workplace merged together, it was easy for me to monitor and take care of both. To be able to be at home and still work is a blessing that we seldom give thanks for. The fact that the kitchen doubled up as my back office meant that I could always dip into the supplies of the pantry or my stash of stuff for personal use whether it was a ribbon or sprinkles. I could work when I wanted or not at will. Managing the logistics of a home based enterprise is gentler tho in no way easier, one can set up for a session at 5 AM without even batting an eyelid (or brushing my teeth!) or work well into the night without the anxiety of reaching home safely or keeping an eye on a sleeping drugged epileptic dog.

I began looking for a space towards the end of April. I needed the place to be close enough for me to rush home in an emergency. I needed a large and airy space with a functional kitchen. I found an apartment a week later on my morning walks with Sage. It is close to where I live, in the adjacent lane. It took the owner a week to decide if he wanted to give it to me because I said I would use it for classes. We haggled over the rent a bit, convinced that I was desperate and because I wanted it for my classes, he charged me a rate higher than what he had earlier quoted.

Once I had the keys and my heart beat came back to normal, I realised that this was 'it'. The safety nets were off. The freebies had run dry and this  really was the time to put my faith where my heart and my skill is. For the first time, I felt elated and scared as hell.

I've spent an unproductive month, without being able to use the new space. Firstly because it was bare and had no furniture, secondly because I had sprained my back and Sage was ill and between everything else, I just found it easier to do the last few classes at home.

It took me about a month to get everything sorted. Carpenters, electricians, painters and the like to fix things and set them up. Through all the angst, I felt empowered. This has been my decision, my vision and its failure or success depends wholly and solely on me. Every decision has been a lesson in patience, planning and management. I drew again and again from my inner self. Talking to myself as I waded through. Not because I didn't have the unstinting support of my family. But simply because this is a journey I needed to make alone. I felt happy and peaceful and hopeful and all things good with each step that inched closer to getting the studio ready. I have always been confident, but I have been an approval seeker. I have always wanted my choices to be validated. Sometimes I seek it from people with no expertise in the matter, only because of the proximity of the relationship and then agonise over what they have said.

I don't know why, I didn't seek anyone's approval this time. I did my research, prepared myself and made decisions. When one thing failed, I looked for another solution. I didn't go running like a damsel in distress to anyone expecting them to fix it. I am feeling incredibly good about this.

Yesterday was the inaugural class at the new place. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. I should write another post. There was one overwhelming moment when I suddenly felt "OMG, this is really happening"

So that's my big story. This is my big move. Here are some pictures of the new place. Wish me luck... I need all that I can get.

On being a teacher

One of my strongest memories of people, is one I had as a teenager with Amma. We were at the famous All India Exhibition, a very public place with over 20000 stalls and lakhs of people visiting every day. In the midst of the chaos, I heard someone call out my mother's name and follow it up with "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam"

We turned around and a lady with a teenage son, hurled herself at my mother and kissed her. They spoke animatedly for a couple of minutes. The lady then turned to me and gushed about how much she loved my mother and that she enjoyed her college life only because my mother was a very compassionate and friendly teacher. She said she vividly remembers certain things my mother has said in class and it went on and on for a bit.

This has obviously stayed with me. I told my mother then and now, I cannot think of her as a professional. She to me was always the tormentor of my youth, the no nonsense mother who wouldn't entertain tantrums, the mother who every child thinks is just out to be annoying. So when I saw unbridled love and admiration for a woman I mostly had complaints about, it made me think of what she meant to others in her life. 

I cannot think of a single teacher that I have had, who has left such a lasting impression on my life or who I have affection for. I have had teachers that I have liked. Teachers who have stayed in my memory and some of whom I talk about even today. But none of the "you changed my life" experiences. 

When life turns a full circle, sometimes it shuts you up, sometimes shocks you. After a few years spent in nondescript back-end work, I moved into a people facing role with training. Immediately I was made to understand, that though I was in that particular role because of my communication skills, I wouldn't make too much progress unless I quickly developed a few other skills I severely lacked. 

The first one is patience. I call it a skill and not a virtue. Simply because this is something that can be learnt, practiced and developed in all measures. I was not born with unlimited reserves of patience. People who know me in real life know that I am short ~ tempered and willed! So patience was the first skill that I realised I severely lacked and needed to develop on a war footing if I wanted to make any progress with my career choice. 

There are so many people one encounters. In a people facing role, this is magnified tremendously. for one, you are meeting with so many people on a daily basis. Each one comes with their abilities, inabilities and quirks. To understand them and cater to them is difficult. To make oneself approachable and gain their trust and respect is like climbing a hill in the middle of a horribly hot afternoon with shoe bites on your heels. Most people are guilty till proven innocent. And I learnt very quickly, that I had to be on their side.

No matter what one's skill or knowledge, one is judged within the first minute of an encounter and as a teacher, if you fail, you can almost never reverse the tables. So my temper, my angst, my anger and most importantly my pride, were all quickly swallowed. The more I realised it was not about me, the easier it got for me and the more effective I was in my work.

I learnt also to say without shame that I didn't have all the answers. I learnt that it was allright to say that I didn't know and would find out the right information instead of fumbling or worse still - fibbing. That didn't mean that I could be shoddy in my research and preparation. The days I thought I knew everything, or entered a training room with inadequate preparation, I would be acutely reminded of how I had messed up. I learnt that I had to be well prepared and informed and equipped and no matter how hard i worked, there would be that odd day that I didn't have all the answers

It has built my confidence to speak to strangers, to speak to an audience of any number. It has made me smile a lot more than I normally would have because otherwise I am accused of frowning too much. Teaching has also made me realise that I may not touch people the way my mother has, but I have had an impact on people's lives. I feel honoured to receive birthday and festival greetings after many years of meeting a participant. I feel happy to bump into people at public places and they recall our first meeting or what I had spoken in a session. I am humbled when someone emails to tell me they got a better job opportunity or their confidence has improved or their life has been enriched in some way because of a session they have attended.

I haven't had a "maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam" moment yet. But I enjoy being a teacher and reaching out when I can. It has been my most fulfilling role and I am thankful that teaching found me and made me a better person. 

Encountering idiots on my morning walk and other updates

I've had quite a miserable week. My back sprain refuses to let up. The only time I have no pain is when I take a muscle relaxant. The fact that I do not like pumping myself with medication means I don't really take it and then wince in pain. Normal people would have seen a doctor by now. But I am not normal and I can't get two minutes of alone time in the loo so forget about seeing the doctor!

Sage had a seizure on tuesday right on cue. Now they are 15 days apart and it means that he is clingy for the next couple of days. I sit in a dark room with the air conditioning on and hope that my banging on the key board does not wake him out of his sedative induced sleep. Initially I enjoyed the respite, now I just am antsy that I cannot even step out to fetch water from the fridge. I feel like I am under house arrest.

My tryst with horrible, ill mannered, grumpy people in the morning continues. Apart from the lady vigilantes who asked me not to bring my dog near their gate, today I had a run in with an abusive, toothless, cigarette smoking octogenarian who used the choicest urdu gaalis on me and the dog. He was sitting and smoking on the footpath and my dog just looked at him while passing by, that was enough to trigger off the old fart. I am filled with anger now instead of amusement. Earlier I chuckled at their idiosyncrasies. Now I just get riled up. Who wakes up at 6 AM to wait for a stranger to fight with? Obviously the women who wait for me and Sage are so jobless that this is the most exciting part of their day. Earlier there was one, now four of them wait up for me. Today, the old man yelling at me really threw me off. I yelled back and told him to fuck off. I did remember that he was older than my mother and maybe was alone and sad. But what the hell, I couldn't tolerate his abusive language for more than 60 seconds.

What kind of people are these? and why am I the one to meet them first thing in the morning even before coffee?

My back catch has ensured that I have made very slow progress with the new place. So far I have srcubbed the kitchen tiles from all the gunk and grease, moved all the paper and non perishable items and yesterday I got the pest control guys to treat the place for cockroaches as a precaution.

Next week, I look forward to getting a wall painted and installing a few shelves. I also need to buy a fridge and move my ovens. The furniture will come next weekend. I am hoping that the place will be functional from next month. I am still contemplating about moving my office there. It is ambitious, but may be impractical. Stepping out to just check emails and stuff may be unrealistic. However on the suggestion of a good friend, I plan to set up an old laptop and printer there in case of emergencies.

Just writing about this new place has lifted my spirits today. I need to go out and finish prepping for my class today. 

bits and pieces

This used to be my main blog you know, before the food blog came along...then everyone had a photoblog and i made one too.... then we got a dog.... its a different story that each one of them is lying in neglect. Like a dusty old house forgotten in the village when you move to the bright shiny city...the cobwebs hanging...the paint peeled off....the walls crumbling and doors weather beaten.... but still standing

Summer is here. not officially... but unofficially... doing a recce and checking just how crazy it can make me. Its succeeding I must say! Also the changing season is another indication of how much time i have spent away from this blog.... its real stupid for me to keep coming back and saying that anymore... i think the last 100 posts all have some sort of "omg its been so long since i blogged here" phrase included in it...

I'm baking today... After ages... actually after Christmas... I'm making Haathi's (a blogger i have been recently obsessed with - I'm harmless... don't get creeped out (yet)) Masala Bread. I'll post it on the cooking blog if that is a success.

I was sick almost all of last week. The training project in colleges is half done. I've been having a stressful time at best and almost lost my marbles once at worst. I have never worked with people who have driven me nuts like this before. endless conversations that bear no fruit. I am taking one day at a time to avoid anything blowing up. I cannot work like this and it is seriously frustrating me. However, its taught me very valuable lessons. of putting my work before my ego. a few weeks ago I had a situation which made me feel like a child who had smashed a toy and successfully put it back together. Literally i tore something apart and had to stitch it back together. easier said than done, and spread over 2 days, it gave me a headache that elevated into a full blown fever and cold. I dragged myself through the entire week. Friday and saturday I just couched out...browsed and slept, played with my dog. I think that's what healed me finally. 

Things no one tells a freelancer

I've spent the last two hours processing papers. bills, invoices, cheques, writing letters, printing stuff, scanning documents, etc. No one tells you life as a freelancer will be full of 'being your own office boy'

I have no complaints tho. just to clarify incase you think i am ungrateful. I just find this tedious and scary. Scary because i have possibly the world's worst case of "lets lose these important documents". In the past I have lost my class X certificate and voting id which was about the only accepted Id in India a few years ago. Infact, K keeps stuff like my passport etc under lock and key that only he has access to. and when we travel, he's always in charge of travel documents! works for me ~ less headache.

anyways, so life as a freelancer means keeping track of all your assignments, being incharge of your work calendar, tracking payments and the related paperwork, remembering which client wanted what kind of paperwork etc etc. also it means a decent online and HD filing system that allows you to store documents, material and access them when needed. I must admit I am shit at this filing and storing too. I keep far too much junk as it is. I need to get my head around this, but I am building what seems to be a decent system where i am filing documents clientwise. 

on a side note, i cant tell you how kicked i am that i actually have to start filing stuff client wise so that i dont mess up and can track everything. This is a good thing yes? it means i have more than a couple of clients and that work is decent!

between the writing and the training, i think i am doing well enough for now... this year is going to be a good year... am going to get that hot body pretty soon... and will earn enough money to go see my bestie in the US... I'm loving this 2012.... 

this and that

• today's post will be in bullet points!
• have spent a little more than a week in my new home office and i love it
• its pretty, functional and is keeping me motivated to finish my work
• i feel like getting in touch with friends from the past who are no longer an active part of my life
• i know they (friends) arent in the present for certain reasons, but sometimes i just miss them
• am wondering if i should cut my hair really short
• its a few inches above my waist, but i wonder if i can chop it off till above my ears
• i went shopping today after a client meeting
• it was for my entertainment, i spent 4k in the bargain and am feeling very guilty about the needless expense
• all of that was spent on stuff for the house...this makes me less guilty than before
• i miss my mom
• yet i had the most random of phone conversations with her just now!
• i also miss my dad....am talking about him a lot more now than ever before
• i met a friend from college on the weekend...was happy 
• i am hoping to be more gracious about the heat throughout summer

talking about what i do

its friday and i am not going TGIF. In my case, monday, friday or sunday are all the same size and mold. you see whatever work i do which is little and far between, i mostly work from home... in my nightclothes till i decide to go bathe myself... so big fat difference the day of the week makes to me. in the past, i looked forward to the weekend, because that meant time with the significant other. Since he got entrenched (yes thats the apt word) in an assignment that has given him a challenge, a healthy paycheck and an associate he spends all his waking hours with, either in person or on the phone) he works all days of the week including so called weekends. so in a sense, i now have completely lost track of what day or date it is. it really doesnt affect me one bit.

so what do i do? i am a training consultant. this means that a couple of times a month, i don corporate garb and talk and train people to be better versions of themselves, or how they can get more work done out of themselves or others and how they can be whiny without appearing to be so.....its fun for the most part, which explains why i still do it.

for the rest of the time, i bum around. really. i didnt want to be 60 before i retired. so i quit the rat race much before i turned 30. i cant seem to be able to come up with a valid reason as to why i quit....dont get me wrong...it was a decision i made being fully aware of what i was doing, but my reasons usually meet with an "are you nuts?" kind of expression from who ever i am talking to...

even my mother, i thought would strangle me when i said i was quitting work. she must have had a mild heart attack that all that expensive education she struggled to put me through had gone to waste.

i love my time alone. i read, write this blog and two others, i sleep, watch day time tv and yes i work when i need to. i make decent money, i own a house and car and am debt free....so i really see no point in being tied to a job or a desk or anything of that sort. i mean,  i have no issues with people who love it...and some really do... but that's not for me. and i dont whine about not having a fancy designation or a company paid for trip. because this is what i chose of free will. ofcourse i am not superwoman although i may have come across like that if you have met me in real life... i have my days in the dumps when i want to stick a stake through you because you are earning more than what i am...but i smile or take a nap or do something else which will distract me from killing you.

if there is one thing that ticks me off more than anything else is that people cant get why i quit working to be a "housewife" i mean, even tho generally staying home is considered uncool, being a sahm is way cooler than being a housewife.... so what business had i to do this when i didnt even have the excuse of children? but its ok. i have ticked such people off my list of people to kill and ignore the questions now.

so what do i do? i spend a lot of time online. the significant other thinks it is addiction. it may be. i am a voyeur and i love whats going on in other people's lives and i like that i dont have to be productive about it all the time. so i browse, read blogs and read inane conversations about travel and movies on twitter. and the internet has made it so easy to follow the goings on in other people's lives minute by minute...and mostly they want you to know what they've been upto so they make all the information easy to access anyway.

i read a lot online.... interiors, decor, photography theres such a wealth of information on happenings and techniques that is available for free online. also foreign newspapers and publications.... and it gives me a kick to use information i picked up online in conversations... like telling someone that damask was very in right now as a decorating trend.... or that owl motifs are hot accessories.... or that nothing can take away from linen in a tropical country...or that some obscure herb from south america can actually be sourced in hyderabad now in a secret little shop. some of this information is useful. some isnt. but its all there.

i have two balconies teeming with assorted plants, some vegetables and other stuff...i potter around and tend to them. i keep a super neat and efficient house. but this was true even when i was working fulltime. if you come home unannounced, i will not be scampering to neaten up or sending out for food. that's a promise.

i also am 'learning' photography. so you will find inane objects and sometimes people being subjected to my shooting! which also translates into a lot of time spent reading and practicing.

i used to use cooking and baking as therapy. but when the k man decided he had imposed a blanket ban on carbs after a certain time (and look what it did to him! lost him 44 kgs!) i kindof have lost interest in that too. i  leave the mundane everyday cooking to Renuka. she'll never be in the same vicinity as i am as a cook, but she puts edible and familiar stuff on the table and we're ok with that. but when we have guests, or my mother comes to visit, or i am feeling particularly happy, i don the apron to show off a bit.... (what? i never claimed modesty as one of my virtues)

i cant imagine what i will do when i really get older... i am talking 50's and 60's if i live to see the day. because i have gotten used to my free time...and my bumming around.... i have been spoiled to go back to the desk and the grind. i always said i dreamt of being a beach bum.... well...i think i am living my dream ... minus the beach, but i will get there.

stuttering

its the third week of the new year and i have been unable to write anything here yet.... i come here and go back, without posting and with over half a dozen drafts in my files.... its been busy mostly. with most days spent at home in the company of amma who came here on the last day of last year, time spent with N, i must say i miss her terribly now that she's gone back to la la land....shopping, chatting and eating and just hanging out.....just typing this here is making me nostalgic...finally dividing the spoils of the war...errr the sale proceeds of sugar n spice between me and A and i am flush with money which is a good thing cos i havent earned a penny since dec and it was making me very depressed....my in laws were here househunting and that was a hectic week again... they left yesterday night....mom and the IL's got along like a house on fire but that will be fodder for another post when i have the time and the inclination.....i am so relieved they found an apt they liked and finished paying the advance for it....cos it was like a see saw for a while and moments of tension.... more later, when i am not stuttering and can be more coherant....

this and that

tgis~ seriously one needs to think i am demented about being happy for the weekend despite all the leisure i get! but the weekend is the weekend and i am happy its here.... went in to work for sometime yesterday....had a feedback session with a client for whom we recently did a prog. I really am amazed each time with how much and how easily corporates think they can bargain. they want top class work at bargain bin prices, and will then micro manage everything...whew.... i am however keeping my mouth shut...no one really wants to know what doesnt work, so why bother...

aside from that, it was a nice relaxed week overall. I am hoping to get much more done this week. i keep saying thaat each week and sometimes it works, sometimes...well it doesnt...

yesterday we spent the evening with a filmmaker friend and watched Kalyug...that shyam benegal film of the 80's. I loved it when i watched it on earlier occasions, but yesterday somehow felt it dragged in many places....K observed that it was funny, that for an adaptation of the mahabharata, it did not have two very vital characters, krishna and shakuni who were absolutely essential for the drama to unfold...Like you can make out, we're huge on movies...sometimes better ones and sometimes movies so bad you wonder why they ever got made. Thursday was self infliction of a double dose of mindless crap....the tamil remake of Main hoon na in aegan and allu arjun's arya 2. 

For Aegan, i have new respect for farha khan...she makes a masala movie look so good....and raju sundaram is obviously no match for farha khan....its not an apple to apple comparison cos of the changes that were made. I realise how bad MHN would have been if not handled well....i think i saw Ajith in a film after 1999 kandukondain kandukondain...he's aged...that's all i can say.....nayanthara...the less said the better...and i did think actor navadeep has talent...

Arya 2 the less said the better...apart from the fact that allu arjun is possibly one of the best dancers this country has seen, there's absolutely nothing else in the movie.... its a mash up of so many movies and such blatant hero worshiping megalomania that its shocking....how can you write a song called "he's mr perfect...." for a guy who essentially looks like darwin's missing link? 

today's lunch at my uncle and aunt's place, it was my aunt's birthday yesterday.... i got her a gift from Fabindia which i hope fits and she likes...yesterday when we went to pick out something, i picked up two pairs of sandals for myself as well.... i needed some everyday kind of footwear....

the digital photoframe K got me is up and running...i finally uploaded some pics onto it, but i need to figure out how to set up the dimensions and the orientation.....i love it tho...with over 5000 photos on my laptop and 10k on the hdd, i needed a digital solution to this!! its nice to see some of them and go back in time when they were clciked...especially the fish pedicure and rachel's impish face!

for once, i seem to have abandoned the photoblog for this one...i need to sort through the pics and upload them....happy weekend everyone...i hope you have a fun time

Wednesday

got an early headstart..cant remember the last time i woke up before 7 a.m... oh yes on those insane winter days we made a roadtrip to udaipur....i digress....

started the training at 8.15 and i was there more as an observer cos i am handholding and grooming a bunch of senior guys who're rolling out a functional training program.... nice to see people so enthu that early...ofcourse breakfast on the house helps....and nice to see guys who will be part of my final train the trainer, putting in so much effort and actually wearing different shoes... they were all "oh ma'am we didnt think it would be so difficult...it takes a lot to stand there and do that ... etc" well...am glad you noticed!!

We wrapped up by 3 p.m... it was too hot and i was too tired to stay for lunch... went back to office, enroute picked up some pupps... curry pupps, egg pupps and a veg roll... had a roll for my late lunch and took the pupps back home for the K man....had a canceled meeting at 4.30, so headed home after that...

K man was back home later than scheduled... but atleast before midnight... we had nondescript dinner in the bedroom cos it was unbearable to eat at the dining table... cherry on the cake was watching geetanjali ....

this is i think the only movie mani rathnam made in telugu.... i loved the music... i loved the presentation of the woman in this movie... no glam sham... no masking the pimples or the less than perfect body and so fresh.... the girl is shown as someone who takes life or whatever is left for her one day at a time...and gives the guy the answers he is seeking from life....and for the first time i saw nagarjuna do something nice....he used his eyes well...and all those who say naga chaitanya is the image of his dad...he has a long way to go!! pc sreeram's camerawork was top class and i remember the haunting memories of the kissing song...so beautifully picturised...although their lips barely graze... it was scandalous for the late 80's.... every woman wanted to be geetanjali and every guy wanted to be prakash!! i just didnt like the way it ended... too much dramabaazi for a story so well crafted.....it sorts of cheats you in the end...

boring blessed day

Had a rather boring day today. I woke up rested thank god and was less cranky than yesterday!! the veggie situation is dismal so last night had soaked some rajma to escape that inevitable morning question! I had a morning meeting and so left home earlier than K, I find cute when he stands at the door till i disappear into the life....most mornings, the lift is where he disappears and i stand at the door!!

had a pretty fruitful meeting...am to do some ground work before i revert with my recommendations... headed to office, did some updations and had lunch. since there was nothing significant to do, i wrapped up around 2.30 and headed home...shade from trees were so deceptive...so a few hours after parking in what i thought was shade, the car was out in the open and hot as a furnace...napped for a while...A dropped in for chai...made some dhokla and dosa for her... we chatted... its always good to spend time with a friend...she had to leave early to get to her mom's house for dinner, so an auto was called...quiet dinner and couple of phonecalls later...i lie on the bed while i type this... tmrw is a busy day... i leave home at 7.30 for an 8.00 a.m training. It going to be a full day... better hit the sack...its early evening by my standards..i can still try, maybe a book will do the trick!

Monday

Its been a good fruitful day well spent...as shilpa commented on yesterday's post, this could be the after effects of a sunday well spent. I slept finally around 3 and slept well past 7, I know i cant bear one more day of "kya banaoo ma'am" early in the morning... two davaras of filter kaapi later, i was ready to wake up and take on the world. Wished Appa...he was so excited and happy... homam in the temple and special birthday feast... happy birthday pa...am glad to have you in my life...

at 12 for a client meeting to finalise training schedules and modules for a 4 month effort...the work done by the team was very very good and i was very happy to see this level of enthusiasm and commitment...we need to take this forward and multiply the excitement...the only thing i hate about this client...parking is a pain in the @$$...i drove around 10 minutes in a 1 km radius and had to park almost a km away...anyways... that done (it took longer than i estimated, and we wound up after 2.30 p.m). i went back to pantaloons to pick up some stuff i saw yesterday on our way out when K was tired of the sunday shoppers and so pleaded that i should go back another time and look at it... i had to follow his word!! i am nothing if not an obedient wife!! 

back home around 4 and there was no power... managed to rest for a while before i started to send out some mails etc...after the sunday indulging...i am in no mood to do anything in the kitchen...so had some slices of homemade bread with the leftover's of yesterday's ginger mushrooms!! funny... but enough to fill the stomach...

tomorrow i have a meeting lined up with a healthcare company...they're interested in our work in training and i hope to be able to make some headway there... the week looks full after that... monday started well...new clothes to wear too!! :) i hope to close this week on the same happy note....spirits...stay with me...

Updates from here and there

the hot summer days and nights are making me quickly lose track of time....work to be done, house to be run (hey that rhymes) and other random stuff which isnt so blog worthy....and in the melee... i dont write as much as i should.....

I've done a fair bit of work these past two weeks and i feel a great deal of pleasure in the accomplishment....I do enjoy the training room immensely....I've slipped into a phase of self deprecation where work is concerned and clearly that needs to stop because that isnt helping me one bit...why can't i see the goodness and talent that the world around me can see so clearly? i need to work on this one....

one big notion i had about myself is constantly being reinforced....i hate a situation where i am not in control...because that directly affects the way in which i react, perform and the results...i was recently in one such situation that i wasnt in full control of (non work related) ...and as a result...the end product was way below my personal standard of expectation...and i had a couple of sleepless nights over it... why i know...i need to work backwards with this....

Weddings...summer and weddings are like a lethal combination.... 2 weddings of friends with girls of their choice, met with stiff parental opposition and finally the girls had to do it without their families in tow....i felt thankful that despite my jest that i'd have eloped with K had our parents not agreed to our wedding, i am sure i would have been too sad and teary if i actually had to do it....there's just something so sad about not having your family around you when you take your vows and begin life with the partner you want to be with (hopefully) for the rest of your life. thank you amma, amma and appa for agreeing and being large hearted....despite everything that you didnt approve of, you still blessed us with your presence....it was like saying, i dont like or approve of what you are doing, but since its important to you, i will be by your side....

i think i ODed on sarees this past month....3 times in as many weeks and i think my quota for the year is exhausted...the thing about wearing a saree....is that it has to turn out absolutely right, the discomfort with the drape of the garment can make your life hell otherwise....i realise its just practice...and all those years of draping sarees for classmates in LH (ladies hostel) definitely served as practice...

Today baby boy G got an official name.... he's now baby boy A...we celebrated with the happy family at a post baptism lunch (we never made it to the church because we couldnt wake up!!) Kids can really entertain themselves anywhere .... i cant remember ever being so outgoing as a child...i wanted to cling to my mom...chee.....

Anyways... chalo... K's watching an inane comedy on TV and i want to join him..to ciao!!

weekend this and that

the weekend has started and i wasnt a very cheerful woman this morning. I got all worked up about something regarding work and i usually try not to take things personally, especially when dealing with clients. I almost failed this morning (i took it very personally). and that really irritated me. For not being able to seperate work and all that. if you are passionate about what you do, does it become difficult to stay detached? such questions crowded my head and threatened to take over my mood.... thankfully some comfort, wise counsel and i was back on track... a lovely lunch with amma, talked instead of napped and then when i  finally fell asleep i  slept like a baby, despite the neighbour practicing his (very bad) drumming and the dogs barking nonstop!! what is the power of sound sleep? that when it does come to you, it wipes out all thoughts... good and bad...and for the first 10 minutes after waking up, gives you a clean slate and a blank mind to focus on things that are more important?

am hoping to catch a movie on tv for the rest of this evening and rustle up some (more) comfort food.... today i shall indulge.... for tomorrow i may die (t) 

how are you spending your weekend? doing something fun?