A look back at 2017

January began well. We partied on new year's eve and I passed out on the lawn, woke up and went into the house, got into bed, woke up at 6 A.M and went about the day as though nothing had happened. Kind of like the way the entire year was.

The farm did spectacularly well. We grew carrots amongst so many other vegetables. We literally bought only onions for most of the year. We also grew our own tuvar and channa dals and I cannot even begin to express how good that feels.

Work wise, almost nothing made sense. I felt lonely and unable to put everything together. I felt the acute lack of workplace friends. People you can discuss work with because there is a common factor of the company you work for or the actual work that you do. I also felt extreme fatigue for work and didn't do classes with the pace that I usually have. I hoped that this spell would end and the only way for me to make something end is to work through it, plough through it and that's what I did.

In february, Sage had a pre seizure period that lasted a few weeks. It depleted me both mentally and physically. This dog has taught me many lessons and I love him with my life. Some of those lessons have been very exhausting and there were days when I don't know what else to do.

Amma was here in March and most of my day revolved around her. We also found that her long term eye doctor was relocating and that sent us into a mini panic attack, but she was comforted greatly by the new doctor and that was a huge relief considering how complicated her case is. March was also the time when for the first time I had baked goodies photographed professionally by a friend and professional photographer M. The results were stunning. Aunty E turned 97 and my uncle and aunt joined us in Hyderabad to surprise her.

April rolled in and the heat was terrible. I was cranky as per usual summer behavior. K and I went to Bombay for a night. We were celebrating the birthday of a friend and for the first time in 5 years, we took a flight together. Since Sage has come into our lives, we don't take any breaks or holidays by air, we drive everywhere. And K and I have not left him with anyone since he turned epileptic even for a day. So this was epic. I came home with a renewed dislike for the city that always stinks!

Amma had a fall in Chennai at home and had to have stitches put to her forehead. It was horrendous to even think about it, fortunately she had family in the same room and they rushed her to the hospital. In true spirit she bounced right back and recovered.

May was hot and happening. My friend N was here, we partied like middle aged women, with lunch and an afternoon drink post a spa date. My namesake friend was her with her adorable children and we caught up for a very short while. My summer workshops for kids were in full swing and there were boxes and boxes of perfectly sweet organic mangoes to be devoured.

May also brought amma back with my niece and nephew for two weeks. My brother and his family needed to relocate to Bombay and he wanted them to be with me so that they could pack up and organise the logistics of  transporting their household stuff. They made a stop at Hyderabad enroute Bombay with our 15 year old Cindy in tow. I was a little nervous, but the dogs got along well and each time sage got too close she snapped at him and firmly put him in his place.

June finally brought in the much needed rains. Little did we know that they would not stop till the end of september!

I turned 40 in july! there was no lightening or earth shattering but I was happy and having a great hair day on my birthday. The month was a sad one. 4 of my dog boys on the street died. I had to put down one of my favourite fellows ~ Joy. A friend of ours passed away and ironically he was an insurance agent and didnt take out insurance for himself. I was happy to end the month actually.

August began quite well. I attended an unintentionally good cake decorating class with a baker friend. We learnt indelibly how not to conduct a session. It was a lot of money wasted. And a shit storm followed because my baker friend wrote a do's and dont's piece and posted it on fb and people easily put two and two together. Its staggering to what extent some folks will stoop to harass another even when the perpetrator is clearly at fault. In august we also took a three night trip to jaipur with a group of people I have never travelled with before and I have mixed feelings about the trip. The only bright spot was that we left Sage at home with our close friend J taking care of him and he was fine. When we got back he refused to acknowledge me for half an hour, then came and cuddled into my lap. The biggest change of the month was Amma and Appa moving into an apartment on the same floor as us. It happened after a lot of back and forth and I am so glad they are finally here.

September saw me take a three day trip to Bombay at the end of the month, otherwise the month was pretty nondescript. Amma has shrunk considerably and become a shadow of herself. The move to  Bombay came with a huge upheaval and Amma and my brother were left battling the storm and anchoring the boat. When it happened, we didn't realise it, but it has taken its toll on her quite strongly. I felt guilty that I had not done enough and seeing her made me even more guilty. She turned 79 and I have never been so grateful for her life and example.

October was spent being busy with classes and having no time to think of anything else. We were enjoying the presence of K's family. Our routine now is to go there for morning coffee, I have stopped turning on the coffee filter since they moved. I pop in for atleast a couple of hours a day and both K and I spend a considerable amount of time there. It is lovely and reassuring to have them around. Sage is so confused and excited at the same time, running between the two homes. End of the month he had a bad epileptic attack and I simply shrank from the reality of it all. He recovered quickly, I cannot say the same about myself. Sometimes I wonder how this is all going to end, I dont like what I see. Amma and Rachel were here for the Diwali break and I had to skip my friend M's wedding in bangalore because I couldn't leave sage and travel even for a day. As I agonised over the decision, my 10 year old niece comforted me with "she's your friend, she will understand" and she did. M told me she understands and that nothing was more important than his health and I should take no guilt on this whole thing

I have only one significant memory for November, we celebrated our 14th anniversary with an epic dinner for two at Fisherman's wharf.

December saw some press coverage for me in The Hindu and I was beyond awkward at the photoshoot, but humbled at the response to the article. Calls and texts poured in from friends, family and students for weeks after. I had a busy month, but it was fun. I had a Christmas tea party at the studio for friends and had such fun putting it together. 23rd was K's 40th and we had a pretty good party for him at home. I was left with no energy to do anything for Christmas. We did have the tree and the cake didnt turn out great, but it was a nice quiet time with family, white wine and a spectacular Vegetable dum biryani that I made.

As the year came to a close, I remarked that it was a pretty good year for me and the Hyderabad part of the family. Not so good for Amma and my brother. The bad health, the move, the upheaval and finally settling in has left her depleted. I hope I will be able to spend a lot more time with her in 2018. the move that K's family has made was for the better. It has worked out beautifully and has added value to each member of the family.

I look back at the year in gratitude for all it has given me individually and us as a family. I have nothing but thanks.

To new beginnings

I decide to write this in the second month of the new year. That should tell you how prompt I am if you are reading this blog for the first time. I am never prompt and this blog remains a little pointless actually. Between sharing pictures on instagram, facebook and everywhere else, my words are buried.

this year, we started with a bang. With two other couples, one that had two of the most delightful children (under the age of 5!) we spent the last weekend of the year at our beloved farm.

In less than a year, we have had to redo the roofing, which was mangalore tiles. All thanks to the idiot contractor who did the original construction and didn't know his ass from his elbow, and left the roof dangerously sloping under the weight of the tiles.

Our driver S did a fabulous job in under 2 weeks, working day and night and gave us a wonderfully redone cottage. So we spent the last week there. Food, including a BBQ session with less than optimal tools, friends, lots of booze and so much fun that I literally passed out on the grass with Sage. No really, I'd been drinking since 11 a.m on 31st, fresh toddy for the morning, of which I had almost a litre, friends visiting for lunch and without any rest plunged head long quite literally into the evening, demolishing more than a bottle of wine I think.

Each time I drink I tell myself my glory days of binge drinking are done, I am now ageing and cannot digest (or metabolise) so much alcohol anymore, and then i forget those conversations and wake up after a few too many with my head reeling and me promising to be a better judge of my metabolism.

I made kachi gosht ki biryani without any help and was mighty pleased with myself that I managed to do it in a makeshift kitchen! It turned out fantastic and I was able to appreciate it much more for lunch on new year's day!

It has been an interesting year this past one. A year sans drama and paring my life and routine down to only the things that mattered to me. It has been a calming year as much as a challenging one with work and personal life. I am going to write to recap it hopefully soon because I may just forget.

I hope 2017 is all that I want it to be...

I had this in drafts since the first week of jan and am finally posting this here....

things .... little and big things

Its 20 days into the new year 2016 and I still haven't had a chance to write about the year that went past. 2015 has been eventful to say the least. A lot has happened in this year and if you knew me in my previous avatar then you do know the intense internal pressure I feel to document atleast the highlights.... Here is where the most significant shift has happened. 

2015 was a year where I was addicted to the internet for reasons I know, but don't want to acknowledge. It was the year that I spent more time online, via my phone, telling myself it was solitude. I lied to myself repeatedly that it was down time and yet deep in my heart I called that bullshit. Not out of my own genius, but because I was so fatigued by the end of August of all the information I was consuming but was unable to process. FB, Instagram and twitter, three parts of my poison, of which FB was the most cluttered. Combine inane updates from more than 650 "friends", auto play videos and articles, likes and shares. Soon FB became the only bit of internet real estate I was consuming on an hourly basis. There was so much information - good, bad and insignificant and I had nowhere to process or use it. For all those wise people who were naturally able to see this and call off this before it became bullshit, I commend you. For mortals like me, it took so much more time. Till I began getting so annoyed with the people populating my TL and myself for mindlessly consuming it. It was like sitting on a couch in front of brain dead TV and eating through a 5 kilo bag of chips and wondering why you felt like you sucked on an oil slick. Yes I pare my friends list each month, I change and alter my privacy settings to filter my TL, but that is just a small step. Then there is instagram and twitter (which I still don't get, but I am hanging onto). 

Add to this a growing personal fatigue, in part because we hadn't taken a vacation in 20 months and forced financial goals that put a considerable amount of pressure on us. 

We took a vacation in october finally after a week when I snapped in my head, had a mini meltdown which as always ends in a puddle of tears and snot. It was one of the best vacations we've had. I felt calm and relaxed and most of our time was just spent reading and sleeping. For the first two days, K and I were so exhausted, we slept more than Sage who usually clocks about 16 hours a day! I felt no compulsion to photograph or document digitally our time and I have such few pictures from the vacation, it is shocking to me. I documented it old style.... with a notebook and I loved that experience. The shift was very refreshing and it reinforced the fact that everything that was actually important to me was with me in that moment. 

Blogging suffered as a result and my cooking blog saw such few recipe posts that it was something I was not happy about, but not enough to do something about. This space has always been my personal diary and except for a few instances this past week, it has remained just intensely personal where I write without grammar, syntax and coherence even. I use Social Media for work, but I am less inclined for now, to share too much personal stuff. There was an intense marriage of chaos and calm in my head and the clarity was a bulb aglow in the dark! hahaha

However in total contrast to the above passage, I need to tell you that one of the greatest and most intensely joyous things we did in 2015 was to purchase a farm, I haven't been able to write about it at all for all things silly and insane (ahem like the evil eye!). It has been a dream for K and me to have a space which is a green lung and offers refuge for us, the family and Sage to forget all our city worries and walk on wet loose earth. We began this journey in April 2015, scouting for something nice and I had the most beautiful advance birthday gift given to me in June with a sealed and signed deed. Cutting a long story short, we have built a really tiny and rustic cottage and rang in new years in a circle of love and a giant bonfire! I am excited to be growing vegetables and fruit and my heart can explode when I think of this gift. Also it usually ends in a pool of tears. 

I know that my documentation of the year and its events is my way of reassuring myself that I did good, that I did something significant in the year. In which case, the good and happy far outweighs the sad and annoying parts of 2015. 

In 2016, I want the shift to be from from counting my accomplishments to being able to feel gratitude for everything even if I failed, made an ass of myself and looked silly. At the end of this year, I want to look back with gratitude and grace. I wrote on instagram (I think) that 2015 was equal parts painful and fabulous and that I am carrying forward the fabulous. I hope I remember this when I am not feeling that courageous. 

Grace is not something I offer easily to myself and therein lies the real struggle for me. A recurring theme this week in my life has been grace. I want to  be able to give to myself what I so easily give to everyone and everything else in my life. 

Of re-training and enjoying it

I haven't posted much here. Not because I have nothing to say (that is NEVER the case with me) but only because I haven't enough time to say it. For those of you that follow the Escapades page on facebook, you will know that the studio takes up most of my time. What is left, gets rationed out between the resident dog and K, not particularly in that order.

I've fallen into a good routine and slowly but surely, I've become a regular working woman again. I never stopped working, but operating part time and from the comfort of your house sort of skews the picture for oneself and others. It is the sort of situation where you appear to be working/employed but aren't really 'going' anywhere, and so to the whole world and sometimes yourself, it appears that you aren't actually doing anything. This is a truly terrible state to be in. One, your work becomes the lowest hanging fruit and is usually dropped or abandoned when other tasks or issues come up. Hospital visits, guests, emergencies at home, shopping trips and such like. I say this because I know this happened with me a lot. Each time Sage's health is on shaky ground, parents need something or K is travelling, I rescheduled and work around the situation. This is exactly the kind of flexibility one looks forward to in the independent worker / part timer / own boss situation. And while it works well most of the time, it is frustrating to be constantly juggling and letting go of work if there are other situations that need your attention and time.  

When I was exclusively working from home, I often found myself doing work 'only' in the pockets of time that were free anyway. Free from chores, familial responsibilities and dog care. This in turn made me very frustrated and not to mention angry and crabby at times because I was spinning around in circles. I was not giving my work the kind of space and respect it deserved, and feeling very inept at handling my situation. 

This is not true for everyone. I know a lot of families and people who work from home have a better grip on their situation. 

Last year when I moved my classes from home into a studio, I had teething issues that I didn't account for. When I had a scheduled class, I realized, I would have to be at the studio at-least an hour in advance if I wanted to be ready when my students walk in. This in turn meant I had to get done with whatever I wanted to do, get dressed and show up at the studio. The luxury of prepping for class in the middle of cooking lunch or breakfast, getting dressed as I arranged my work table, and worst of all opening my kitchen pantry and pulling out an ingredient I needed did not exist anymore. I had to be well prepared for a class. Do my shopping ahead of time, plan and finish my chores, ensure I had all the stuff needed for a class at the studio AND be there an hour ahead. 

I will admit it has been a steep learning curve. I am a creature of habit. To change that habit and create a new one has been cruel. I've had a few terrifying days. Nothing that has killed me, but at that time I imagined it would. The mind shift has been the most difficult. To acknowledge that this is no longer a kitchen garden set up. 

For the last 6 months tho, the shift is very visible. Not just for me, but K and Sage as well. The biggest hurdle was Sage. With his epilepsy, it is a delicate state. I nursed him for 14 months without stepping out of the house unless there was someone else with him. He needed medication every 4 hours, he was clingy (medicine induced) and jumpy all the time and we were terrified of something happening to him if I so much as stepped out of his sight. I didn't have the confidence to lock him in the house for the time that I needed to be out and working. So everything got sacrificed. Couple time, movies, dinners with friends, gym, everything. If I had to step out, K had to be at home. With a demanding job that involves travelling, K being available to watch Sage wasn't happening too much and we regressed back into a time when he was a puppy and needed 24/7 attention. 

We began retraining Sage to be on his own for small intervals of time. I would lock him in, take a walk around my building and come back in 10 minutes. Supermarket visits followed and then I started running regular errands, going out for coffee or lunch with friends and K and I began accepting dinner invites and appeared to be lesser snobs!

The training has worked for the most part. The home and family have fallen into a routine and this is a good thing. I have my class schedule done at the beginning of the month so everyone knows what to expect. The maid too comes in and does her work without asking for much supervision. On days that I work, I leave home around 9:30 and am back by late afternoon, sometimes as late as 3, but I still get to give Sage his medication, have lunch at home and catch a snooze on lucky days. 

Mornings are super organised and efficient with the washing machine loaded and running even before I've had my coffee! And I must admit I like this more than anything else because it just sets the pace for the day. And when I come home completely drained after my class, I don't have to worry about what to cook or house chores to finish. 

The entire household now is oriented towards having me leave as per my schedule for the day. Including family who desist from calling me for a casual chat on work mornings. I am at ease and I work better without the niggling stress. I also come back home with a stronger feeling of control over my day and as a result of it my life!

So from a stay at home person, I am now a 4 times a week working person. On the days that I don't have scheduled classes, but need to work on orders or develop a recipe, I take Sage with me to the studio. He is ecstatic and loves me extra on those days. He sits around, naps and sometimes just walks into my neighbour's flat to be pampered and spoilt silly. 

I didn't realise it till a few weeks ago, that now I am working on a schedule and regimen akin to when I was fully employed. The only difference being I work through the weekend and usually try and take an off on Monday's. This hasn't worked out so well. I still end up doing some writing or baking for orders or other sundry work, but hey, every working person does this. None of us can claim to be fully cut off from work on off days. But yes, mentally  I am getting my one day a week off. 
I don't know if it is true for all women, but I know a large chunk of us get buried under our own guilt if we have to prioritise work over family life. I think its just the way we are conditioned. We are expected to sacrifice. If we don't, we are bitches, if we do we are push overs. Having said all of this, its completely upto us alone to figure out some working model. Each of us has one as unique as ourselves. What works for me will not for another. 
So far, this is a functional model for me and my household. I hope this good run continues!
What has been keeping you busy and occupied? Tell me, I'd love to hear your story. 

Lessons from IFBM

It's been over a week. Its in the past and it has been accomplished. I quite felt like Jesus Christ last week when the IFBM was finally over and I landed squat in the middle of loudly talking people inside an egg (An egg shaped lounger by the pool). I looked up to the setting sun over Bangalore and silently told myself "It is finished".

For better or worse, the project that I took up with a few others had been done, completed and seen through to the final goodbyes.

IFBM meant many things to me personally and rabidly to me as a blogger. Personally it was a challenge and I had fast-track lessons in multi tasking, project management, people skills and selling. There were other lessons too, but those are not as significant as these ones. The meet could not have come at a more busy time in my life. I had just launched the studio and with it came the ginormous anxiety of scheduling, planning, managing and conducting classes. K told me in not so uncertain terms that I was making a huge mistake. That I was taking on a project that would yield me nothing (monetarily) and yet suck out every ounce of my time and energy.

He was not wrong. But I was sure of what I was doing. I knew his warnings meant "don't come whining to me" and I didn't, almost entirely. The minute I would utter IFBM, he would give me the eye roll and I would stfu.

Amma had her operation at the end of June, and her prep and recovery took a lot out of me as well. She stayed independent and I got a lot of help from my MIL, but the anxiety and the post operative care were squarely on me and that drained me more than I wanted to admit. Sage could not have chosen a worse time to take his epilepsy up a few notches and while I know the poor bugger had no say in the matter, it came like a cluster and stayed there with days and nights of no sleep and added anxiety.

Personally I wanted to push myself and see where it would take out of me. I have seen a surge of energy and enthusiasm in me when the going gets tough and I was relying purely on adrenalin to see me through what intelligence, hard work and planning couldn't supply. I have never been this driven to prove a point, or make something work. I have always been the person to do a recce and abandon a project if it seemed too much work. The last year and a half have made me mentally stronger if nothing else. And I was determined to listen to everyone who mattered and had an opinion, but only follow my heart and do what I felt was right.

I've always shied away from sales. And IFBM pushed the envelope for me. From talking about the concept and articulating it to the people who formed the team, getting bloggers to participate and most importantly get brands and sponsors on board. I had a few moments of feeling like an insecure housewife with no exposure to the corporate world, I felt I would be called out for being silly and worse still - stupid. But that didn't stop me. Talking to potential participants, vendors, partners, brands and team mates, no issues - Bring it on.

I had a few very uncomfortable conversations (more on that later, in another post) all through the run up and even post IFBM. I had conversations that had me clutching at my heart while I had them, but I had them. I didn't let my personal threshold for comfort come between what needed to be done. I discovered that if I am sincere and honest, I can speak my mind and not care about the repercussions.

As a blogger, IFBM was important to me for the sole reason that I had this vision to create a platform that would not be dwarfed by any single or a collective of individual bloggers. Having been a blogger for over 7 years now, I still see myself as an outsider to food blogging for several reasons. I don't have an agenda for my blog. After all these years, that still rings true. Design, photographs, stats and PR clout still don't bother me. The blog is something I love writing, but it will never have a frenzied agenda. It has led me to several things, the most life changing being my studio, but it will never take over my life. I acknowledge the many beautiful and successful blogs, the ones that have been monetized and those that have crossed over to being other successful things like writers and consultants.

So when we conceptualised IFBM, I wanted it to be a platform for bloggers of all kinds to come and make their own, small, big, old, new, regular and not so, famous and the unknown. The platform has now been created and it was heartening to see the bonding amongst bloggers from across the country. They met as old friends. I met several people I have known and admired through their blogs. Some felt like long lost friends and with some I know I will definitely keep in touch.

Several times during the course of this event, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Doing something with a set of like minded people who display enthusiasm and energy is one thing. Circumventing fragile egos and self appointed experts who only want the spotlight is something else. Twice I considered pulling out. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had. For one, I believe I am not a quitter, for the second, this was a dream I had nurtured for so long and that alone made me want to honour it and not give up.

Becoming a solutions seeker was another important lesson learnt. Not allowing any situation or person to bog me down. And never ever talking down to myself.

At times when there was complete lack of clarity, I just listened to my heart. Some very important decisions were made as a leap of faith and they totally reiterated that taking those leaps were the best things to do. Aloft the hotel was chosen by one such leap and I am a richer person to have partnered with them. They made me realise what passion, focus and humility to accept any kind of work would result in. They humbled me with the trust and belief they put in the event I represented and made me aim for much more especially at times when there wasn't much support coming through from any other source.

The sessions turned out to be value giving and I was happy for that. As a trainer and as a person with a very low threshold for failure and high personal standards, I know that the content needs to be worked on for the next time. While there were a few things which went awry, most of the event went very well and as per schedule. The ecstasy on the faces of the participants was testimony to how much they enjoyed it.

In the end, all those fears were put to rest and we pulled off a spectacular event. The press coverage has been kind and I have had to turn off the notifications on FB to stay sane after a couple of days!

I have a mile long list of things that need fixing. I didn't bask in the afterglow for very long because there was just so much physical and mental debris to clear out. After holding myself in high energy and alertness over 4 days, I had a sudden overwhelming wave of fatigue hit me. In one stroke, my body felt like lead and I advanced my ticket to return home. I could not have trudged through another day without burying my face in the fur of my puppy. As I boarded the flight back home, after an argument with the airline for excess baggage (20 kilos!) and stone cold idlis, I realised, for better or worse, I had done it. I had stayed the course and managed to put the result of something much larger than myself before me. It was finished…. I was free to go back home and play with my puppy and sleep and eat like a normal human.

I came back home with a raging fever that lasted 1 full day. I realised how much physical and mental bandwidth this event had taken out of me. But I was very pleased, that it didn't scare me, that it didn't get the better of me and the results were there for everyone to see.

If there is one very important lesson I learnt from IFBM, it was never ever to lower my standards for anything or anyone. To always stay focused on what is important. There will be many things that come as irritants, acknowledge them, but don't allow them to hijack what you set out to achieve.

In another time and day, I could have never done this. I was grateful for the support of R. For the voice of reason and non stop ear to my rants, we formed a formidable pair and it was nice to see that passion in another person. I drew from her strenght as I hope she was able to draw from me. Valuable lessons learnt, but importantly meaningful relationships strengthened.

The state of affairs

Waking up, going through the motions of the day and sleeping at the end of a relentlessly tiring day has been the new normal in my life for the past few months. 

There has always been a flurry of activity, some that happens, some self created which keeps me on my toes. I have always been the one day batsman. Try as I want, I can plan, but the doing mostly comes in the last minute. I have always been like that and I now accept that things will fall into place without a compromise on quality only on the last leg of anything. The acceptance has made me calmer and a better person. I do not remain in an agitated state and do not keep constantly comparing the current state of affairs with a supposed set of ideal timelines and accomplishments.

That doesn't mean I don't panic, I do. Sometimes the panic is because I have lost track of time and date (yes, happens all the time) or the panic is induced because someone else is panicking and this has happened several times over the last few weeks. 

The IFBM as we are calling it is a first ever Indian Food Bloggers Meet, which is happening in Bangalore on the 1-2 of August, could not have come at a time when I was busier! When we planned it in March, I thought it would be one of those soirees that will include a few other like minded people and it would be hectic, but pleasurable and I would come away from it, getting to know a few bloggers well. Turned out to be one circus, and it could not have come at any other time in my life!

I have been unable to sleep, because of a Damocles sword hanging over my head, I have woken up with heart palpitations because I imagined  we were already on a Friday when it was just a Tuesday. At other times, I have been unable to prep for my classes till the morning of the class because I have been busy with something to do with the IFBM or that Sage has had another seizure episode and I have spent all my time with him. 

When I embarked on this IFBM journey, the first naysayer was K. He told me it will completely take over my life and I cannot afford that because I have just started the studio. Either I put it down to his general naysayer nature, or I really didn't estimate the cluster chaos that  I was to encounter. If I am honest, it is the second one. 

Not one day did I think that this would take every ounce of my energy, my mental bandwidth and my spirit. This has been one of the most stressful projects that I have undertaken. Not just because of the nature of the work itself, which is demanding, but the people I am working with. Passive aggression is no good, it accomplishes nothing positive, but drains you physically, mentally and emotionally and that is just something I could have done without. 

There are lists and things to do and deadlines to meet. This whole event, which started as a meeting of a few like minded bloggers has snowballed into an event much larger than any of us expected. With the organic growth came the list of things to do for the sponsors and partners and participants came work and lots of it. Some of it got sorted, some of it didn't. I've tried as best as I possibly could to get stuff organised and done. Working from different cities has also meant that we need to rely completely on what everyone else is doing. Coordinating schedules, fitting in sessions, dealing with multiple sponsors and 

For my bit there are days when I feel exhausted with just the talking and somedays when I am so energized that I dont care if I haven't eaten, slept or bathed either. 

Things are falling into place slowly.While I've never doubted that I could pull this off, I didn't honestly think it would grow this big. I started off with the least clout and contacts in this group and I am happy that I didn't give up and pulled my weight and brains behind stuff that mattered. 

A few days ago, we had on hand what I can only term as a 'cluster#uck' some quick consultations with a partner later, I pulled off something that I have been too afraid to do - sell an idea to someone.

All my life I have been so afraid of sales. Many times in my career in a 'regular job' I shied away from any people facing work because I felt I didn't have the skill or the temperament to do it. Life is a full circle. I am realising that more and more. It comes back to tell you that nothing that is impossible is actually that and every belief you held close to heart like the gospel truth will be shattered.

Firstly in my training career and later as a teacher of cooking and baking, there are only people I meet everyday. And I figured that the success of my venture has been only because people are buying a part of me over and over again, which means I don't suck at sales!

With the IFBM, every ounce of my skill set is being used and I am glad it is getting aired out and sharpened. This has been as much a humbling exercise as it has been confidence building.

I have been writing this posts over a week. and each day it gets better and bigger. I currently just want friday to be here and see what's in store....

A month of eventful things

Mostly good, some anxious, but by now I have realised "that's the way it rolls"

June 2014 will be memorable for many things. The most important being that I took a huge step and took off the safety net that is my house. For those of you that follow my shindigs on FB where I am hyperactive, you do know that I have an exclusive space to call my own. Escapades Culinary Studio as it is now known has moved from its protective home set up to an actual studio. My classes, were conceived and was born via my Cooking blog. I didn't think too deeply when I was looking for a name for my blog, neither did I give much thought to the URL. I just went with the flow and in less than 2 minutes, decided that my chocolate making classes would be an extension of the blog, since it started there. I just called it Culinary Escapades and was done with it. 

After a few fits and coughs, in August last year, the classes gathered steam. I was done treating it like a hobby. I was ready to invest more into it. Read all about my story and the journey here. Once I signed the lease for the space, it took a month to get things started at the Studio, purely because of my various niggling health issues. 

June began with the trepidation of having started something I am excited and nervous about all at once. It is one thing to follow your passion, it is another thing to stand beside your work with seriousness and invest more than just time in it. Suddenly the passion needs a name, an address, a scorecard, a performance report and a balance sheet. 

Yesterday I closed classes for the month at the studio. It has been an interesting time. So much to learn and so much to do better. I realise now how much I took having the convenience of operating from home for granted. Setting up and doing a class in the studio is fabulous. I do not worry about trampling upon my private living space, I don't have to worry about taking 30 minutes longer with students and encroaching meal times for family, but I also need to be super well planned and set up because there is no home pantry / supplies and cutlery to dip into :)

In between the classes, Amma decided to go back to Chennai. She is under the care of a very compassionate doctor in Hyderabad for her eyes. Being one eyed and that too partially sighted, we take very few chances with the state of her eyes. Just before she left, the doctor asked for a full check up and found that she had to undergo surgery at the earliest for her eye. It is a cataract, but given her age and her already damaged sight, it is very important that this is done with utmost care, precaution and precision. So tomorrow she will be operated and while we are all anxious, we are also very confident of the skill of the doctor. Amma has had a week to prepare herself and I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for the support of K's parents. Especially my MIL has been a tower of strength and confidence, not just to me, but Amma as well. In fact for all the preliminary tests that had to be done, because I was stuck at home with Sage, MIL volunteered to take her and got everything done. Her quiet reassurance is something that I am eternally grateful for. 

Last sunday, in a freak accident at home, a part of my right earlobe got ripped off. I was lying down on the bed, talking to my mom and K's mom after a family lunch, and my earring got stuck in the band of my finger ring. Before I knew it, my ear lobe was hanging and it was all quite gory. I had the courage to simply unscrew the dangling earring, wrap a towel around my ear and jump into the car and drive myself to the casualty ward of the nearest hospital. After some shoddy first aid, I was sent back home. I went to another doctor to get it stitched up the next day. Blocking out the pain and not thinking of the gore has certainly helped. I had a class the very next day and I decided that nothing would stop me from finishing it as planned. 

One of the things I have learnt in the past year of taking my work to the next level is to persist and persevere and be committed even when the odds are against you. Nothing gives me more satisfaction or boosts my confidence as getting through a tough day with bonus points. 

As I look back on this month, which has not yet ended, I am happy with how it has panned out. There are so many more things to do and I am no longer worried or intimidated by any of it. 

And to end this, a picture of the boy who helps me keep it real and tells me to chill out.... he never takes me seriously and gives me sharp raps if I get heavy headed :)

Breathe.......

When I have a moment, I want to sit back and just breathe....

the smell of still fresh paint  in my new studio and marvel at how things have happened in the last few weeks
the smell of the stale stifled air in my home office which tells me I haven't sat there and done anything productive for a while
the smell of fur around Sage's ears when he has just woken up from his sleep,  I dont know why, but only that spot, and only when he has been sleeping a while, reminds me of his puppy smell.
the crisp new sheets on my mother's bed which indicate she has changed them again from the last time I lay down there
the smell of the elaichis still lying in the carry bag from a two month old trip K made to Kerala when he bought them

breathe and be grateful for all that has happened
breathe and marvel at how resilient we all really are
breathe and rejoice that we are still in one piece

Taking off the safety net

Early this year, I set myself a target. This is a departure from how I usually function. I have never been ambitious. That has been my virtue and my vice. Virtue because it allows me to do things and enjoy the moment with nothing else but the experience. My vice because I do not push harder, much to the chagrin of all of my superiors in any job that I have had. My feedback was always "Can do way better" and that used to break my heart. 

I felt sad for the girl who always took up a task wholeheartedly, not aggressively, with the utmost sincerity and yet no one seemed to notice. No one seemed to notice the honest effort or the earnestness or that the job was well done. All everyone saw was that it could have been better. I was always a work in progress. A person who's potential was not utilised. Every appraisal, I hoped my bosses would see my sincerity, every appraisal I was given a list of 4 names who had done better. 

My clients loved me, my trainees adored me, I always had feedback averaging at 9/10. But that was never a reflection of how my superiors saw me. 

I have attention span deficit. An activity does not hold my attention for longer than a few months and that has been my weakness. I have started several things and they fizzle out within a few months. Hobbies and interests are sacrificed at the altar of 'real work' or schedule or family. So when last August, I decided to give my cooking classes a fresh lease of life, I decided to focus on targets. This was to test if I really had it in me to run with an idea. To test if what I had in mind was viable, and above all to see if I had the sustenance to see it through. 

By the end of the year, I was to decide if I really wanted to continue with the cooking classes. I had them running for about 6 years. The breaks both big and small that I had taken were largely unnoticed by everyone except that I felt guilty that I was under performing as usual . I wanted to make a decision based on some numbers - and not on a (not so) baseless "I don't feel like doing this now"

December came and went. 2013 was a tumultuous year in every way and I drew a lot of strength and courage from teaching in my class. It lifted my spirit and gave me the confidence to face another day. So by December I knew, that I was capable of sticking with something as long as it was interesting. I told myself that it was upto me to make my classes interesting, I needed to evolve as much as I wanted my classes to.

For the next quarter, I set myself another target. I was to make a decision on moving the classes out of the house. This meant I had to set a target for enrollments and objectively look at recovering overheads and other costs. By the end of March, I was convinced this was the next step - to move out of the house.

Not just the scaling up, there were several personal reasons to make the move. My home was used as headquarters. While it has served me faithfully and well for all these years, the sheer logistics of managing all the material and groceries meant for the classes was boggling. Every inch of storage space was being used and as a result, material scattered over the house. The kitchen and pantry was the worst hit. No demarcation between supplies for home and supplies for my classes meant that my monthly grocery bills had skyrocketed and I am not that great at keeping accounts! The family was deeply affected. While they didn't mind it and were extremely supportive, the stress of class day was becoming taxing. K and Sage were under house arrest for the time that people were at home. Sometimes classes extend and students tend to hang around, lunch times would get inordinately delayed. Sage is epileptic and on strict medication for it. He needed to be leashed for the duration of the sessions and that would also induce stress in him. It took me an hour after the class wound up to pacify him on most days. I couldn't have more frequent classes because it was too much to ask of the family and home. I was uncomfortable with my very personal space was now open to strangers. For as long as I could think of it, I told myself that I would be better off with the classes at home.

After all the discomfort I mentioned, it also had manifold advantages. Since the home and workplace merged together, it was easy for me to monitor and take care of both. To be able to be at home and still work is a blessing that we seldom give thanks for. The fact that the kitchen doubled up as my back office meant that I could always dip into the supplies of the pantry or my stash of stuff for personal use whether it was a ribbon or sprinkles. I could work when I wanted or not at will. Managing the logistics of a home based enterprise is gentler tho in no way easier, one can set up for a session at 5 AM without even batting an eyelid (or brushing my teeth!) or work well into the night without the anxiety of reaching home safely or keeping an eye on a sleeping drugged epileptic dog.

I began looking for a space towards the end of April. I needed the place to be close enough for me to rush home in an emergency. I needed a large and airy space with a functional kitchen. I found an apartment a week later on my morning walks with Sage. It is close to where I live, in the adjacent lane. It took the owner a week to decide if he wanted to give it to me because I said I would use it for classes. We haggled over the rent a bit, convinced that I was desperate and because I wanted it for my classes, he charged me a rate higher than what he had earlier quoted.

Once I had the keys and my heart beat came back to normal, I realised that this was 'it'. The safety nets were off. The freebies had run dry and this  really was the time to put my faith where my heart and my skill is. For the first time, I felt elated and scared as hell.

I've spent an unproductive month, without being able to use the new space. Firstly because it was bare and had no furniture, secondly because I had sprained my back and Sage was ill and between everything else, I just found it easier to do the last few classes at home.

It took me about a month to get everything sorted. Carpenters, electricians, painters and the like to fix things and set them up. Through all the angst, I felt empowered. This has been my decision, my vision and its failure or success depends wholly and solely on me. Every decision has been a lesson in patience, planning and management. I drew again and again from my inner self. Talking to myself as I waded through. Not because I didn't have the unstinting support of my family. But simply because this is a journey I needed to make alone. I felt happy and peaceful and hopeful and all things good with each step that inched closer to getting the studio ready. I have always been confident, but I have been an approval seeker. I have always wanted my choices to be validated. Sometimes I seek it from people with no expertise in the matter, only because of the proximity of the relationship and then agonise over what they have said.

I don't know why, I didn't seek anyone's approval this time. I did my research, prepared myself and made decisions. When one thing failed, I looked for another solution. I didn't go running like a damsel in distress to anyone expecting them to fix it. I am feeling incredibly good about this.

Yesterday was the inaugural class at the new place. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. I should write another post. There was one overwhelming moment when I suddenly felt "OMG, this is really happening"

So that's my big story. This is my big move. Here are some pictures of the new place. Wish me luck... I need all that I can get.

On being a teacher

One of my strongest memories of people, is one I had as a teenager with Amma. We were at the famous All India Exhibition, a very public place with over 20000 stalls and lakhs of people visiting every day. In the midst of the chaos, I heard someone call out my mother's name and follow it up with "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam"

We turned around and a lady with a teenage son, hurled herself at my mother and kissed her. They spoke animatedly for a couple of minutes. The lady then turned to me and gushed about how much she loved my mother and that she enjoyed her college life only because my mother was a very compassionate and friendly teacher. She said she vividly remembers certain things my mother has said in class and it went on and on for a bit.

This has obviously stayed with me. I told my mother then and now, I cannot think of her as a professional. She to me was always the tormentor of my youth, the no nonsense mother who wouldn't entertain tantrums, the mother who every child thinks is just out to be annoying. So when I saw unbridled love and admiration for a woman I mostly had complaints about, it made me think of what she meant to others in her life. 

I cannot think of a single teacher that I have had, who has left such a lasting impression on my life or who I have affection for. I have had teachers that I have liked. Teachers who have stayed in my memory and some of whom I talk about even today. But none of the "you changed my life" experiences. 

When life turns a full circle, sometimes it shuts you up, sometimes shocks you. After a few years spent in nondescript back-end work, I moved into a people facing role with training. Immediately I was made to understand, that though I was in that particular role because of my communication skills, I wouldn't make too much progress unless I quickly developed a few other skills I severely lacked. 

The first one is patience. I call it a skill and not a virtue. Simply because this is something that can be learnt, practiced and developed in all measures. I was not born with unlimited reserves of patience. People who know me in real life know that I am short ~ tempered and willed! So patience was the first skill that I realised I severely lacked and needed to develop on a war footing if I wanted to make any progress with my career choice. 

There are so many people one encounters. In a people facing role, this is magnified tremendously. for one, you are meeting with so many people on a daily basis. Each one comes with their abilities, inabilities and quirks. To understand them and cater to them is difficult. To make oneself approachable and gain their trust and respect is like climbing a hill in the middle of a horribly hot afternoon with shoe bites on your heels. Most people are guilty till proven innocent. And I learnt very quickly, that I had to be on their side.

No matter what one's skill or knowledge, one is judged within the first minute of an encounter and as a teacher, if you fail, you can almost never reverse the tables. So my temper, my angst, my anger and most importantly my pride, were all quickly swallowed. The more I realised it was not about me, the easier it got for me and the more effective I was in my work.

I learnt also to say without shame that I didn't have all the answers. I learnt that it was allright to say that I didn't know and would find out the right information instead of fumbling or worse still - fibbing. That didn't mean that I could be shoddy in my research and preparation. The days I thought I knew everything, or entered a training room with inadequate preparation, I would be acutely reminded of how I had messed up. I learnt that I had to be well prepared and informed and equipped and no matter how hard i worked, there would be that odd day that I didn't have all the answers

It has built my confidence to speak to strangers, to speak to an audience of any number. It has made me smile a lot more than I normally would have because otherwise I am accused of frowning too much. Teaching has also made me realise that I may not touch people the way my mother has, but I have had an impact on people's lives. I feel honoured to receive birthday and festival greetings after many years of meeting a participant. I feel happy to bump into people at public places and they recall our first meeting or what I had spoken in a session. I am humbled when someone emails to tell me they got a better job opportunity or their confidence has improved or their life has been enriched in some way because of a session they have attended.

I haven't had a "maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam" moment yet. But I enjoy being a teacher and reaching out when I can. It has been my most fulfilling role and I am thankful that teaching found me and made me a better person. 

Starting Over.... in the kitchen

A fresh brand new year.... a new start... a time to give thanks, make plans and be a little sincere about sticking to them. Atleast for a while.

I made no lofty resolutions this year. Much as I waited to usher in the new year, K and I had a couple of drinks, ate very oily Indian Chinese and got into bed by 11 pm. Sage was very restless due to the continuous stream of people in the building, noise of the lift and loud music. Like a nice middle aged couple, we slept, only to be woken up at 12 by Appa!

I started the New year with a brand new development at home. I fired my cook. To cut a long story short, too many excuses, inability to manage her other jobs and a complete disrespect for the many requests I have made to manage time better. At the end of a stalemate, what emerged was I was expected to (and as a result my household) adjust with her shoddiness. I was having none of this, I do not like being taken for granted and the last thing I will do in exchange for my fair treatment and goodness is being taken for a ride. Despite many requests and warnings, when for the nth time she chose to come late despite knowing her cut off time, I asked her to collect her dues and leave.

Those of you who read my blog will know that I miss my earlier cook Renuka terribly. While she wasn't the best cook, she was always smiling and very sincere. The current one, was my househelp and was a better cook. Only thing is after a while, it got too much for her to manage.

Anyways. I have now decided to take over the cooking in our large household of 2 people and a dog (that now eats commercial dog food instead of home made, due to his health condition). I will confess that I am nervous. I haven't cooked full time in over 5 years now. Initially, both K and I had 'regular' jobs and would take our lunches to work. Then I began to mostly stay home, although we did feed Sage home made roti. At the last count, we were using 3 times the amount of groceries, I was still eating 2-3 day old leftovers (what is it with maids never being able to cook smaller quantities of food?), K still eating his lunch from outside and I was anyway cooking dinner all these years. There was also a considerable wastage of cooked food and unused vegetables which would languish in the fridge. Not to mention the monotony of the dishes being churned out.

I am excitedly making a monthly menu to ensure both K and I do not get bored and that I am equipped to efficiently use the morning time. I hate spending unending time in the kitchen. I also cannot fathom spending more than an hour at best to cook a reasonably healthy and tasty meal for two people. I am hoping the planning will help me manage groceries, vegetables and time better. The fridge already looks super clean because there are no leftovers! So wish me luck!

The year in retrospect (super duper long post)

There are times when one feels one has figured out something ~ a series of events, a person, a moment in time. One rests finally, with a sense of having fully understood the matter. Then suddenly a realisation happens which makes your understanding have a 180 degree turn. Suddenly everything that made sense does not. Or what you thought you had figured out, has suddenly turned on its head. 

The last few months I have steadfastly held on and said at every opportunity that I couldn't wait for this year to be over. At every turn, this year has thrown me a new challenge. I have written about it, I have pondered about it, shed many tears and spent many sleepless nights and restless days. 

The year began on a good note. There was the promise of something big happening. Every ounce of our collective energy as a couple was spent on nurturing the new venture. January did start on a very promising note. 

The euphoria and the excitement continued through February. We had a full house with a little Dachshund joining us for a week as I pet sat him while his family holidayed. We had parties and more parties, some planned, some impromptu. A breathless excited pace that made me smile each time I tried to catch my breath. I was becoming fitter with my workouts at the gym and came to a point where the highlight of my day was the time spent in the gym. I began to enjoy the excruciatingly tough all day travels to Guntur and back. leaving home before sunrise and getting back bone tired just a few minutes before midnight. The pit stops, the conversation, the food at small towns on the way and the skyline would become my friends. Some days, I would wait to actually get away from the mundaneness of home. 

March was again a round of frenzied activity. Several trips to Guntur for work included one overnight one where I had to stay at the house of my business partners' in-laws. Working on a small budget, that night while trying desperately to sleep for a couple of hours beside a child who kept kicking me, on a mattress which still had its protective plastic sheet cover and against a wall so dirty I thought I was on a horror movie set, I realised all that I took for granted. It was a situation I promised myself I would never allow myself to be in again. I was in a mad house, where out of politeness and spread over 400 sft, I had to join in a religious celebration that had an elaborate pooja every 4 hours. It was more than I could take. In a strange town, I just walked out of the house, for almost a mile, hailed and auto and went to a crowded marketplace for some solace. The train journey back home was something that I enjoyed more than I expected. Or maybe it was the happiness of just being on my own finally. 

The end of March and beginning of April, we spent in Goa. With two other couples. This was one of the most beautiful vacations K and I have had. Sage went crazy on the beach. He and I took long walks at sunrise, sometimes in the dark much before everyone had woken & played with street dogs that got friendly and stayed outside our cottage till we left. We ate in restaurants that didn't even ask for him to be leashed. I came back refreshed, but things were not to be the same again. Everything slowly began to get edgy and K spent unending hours at work. I would barely see him for 30 minutes after he woke up and before he left for office. I missed him terribly, so did Sage who began to get very clingy. Work for me continued with more trips to guntur. I was working with a bunch of extremely unprofessional and selfish people. One threw a tantrum in the middle of a contracted job and tried to take us for a ride. Another was just so whiny that it was easier for me to roll up my sleeves and get the work done myself. It happened more than a couple of times, when I got work done this way. I had to dig deep into my being, to handle these childish people, to take the high road, to be patient when they were being ungrateful, to solve their domestic problems so that they could come and do their work. There were days when I just wanted to pull my hair out, some days I wanted to slap multiple faces multiple times. I practiced zen. I spoke softly although in my head I wanted to scream. I offered solutions. I ran a ferry service. I felt like I had reached a personal milestone. 

This was a significant realisation for me. All the while, I believed I was an unlikely candidate for corporate success because I lacked patience, I lacked focus and I lacked the larger vision to only keep looking at the result I wanted and not the means by which I would achieve it. I was always given to understand by my bosses and sometimes peers that 'my fly off the handle and confrontational nature' was the chief reason I couldn't carve out a larger niche of success when I was gainfully employed. I put myself in situations where I had to face the heat and came out of them successfully, by myself. I felt very accomplished individually. This was a huge milestone for me. 

May was when the mayhem truly unfolded. We had a 'situation'. K spent about 18 hours being disconnected with the home. He had too much on his mind and his body was being pulled in every direction possible. It took every ounce of his strength both mental and emotional to get through each day. I saw him tired and weary and so cranky that conversations were to the bare minimum, lest I step on a raw nerve. My cook left because her husband was ill. I was in-charge ~ of the kitchen, of the house, of the family (amma was here with me), of K, of Sage and yes, of myself. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. When the rawness has healed, someday in the future hopefully I will be able to talk about it.

I have issues with boundaries. I need them, I am territorial and even something as small as leaving a bag where it does not belong, or cluttering a table gets me mad. I am territorial and I need my space to reflect that. So when encroachments happen, on my time, my space, my emotions and even my energies, I crack. The only thing that kept my sanity during this time, was my gym routine. Doing push ups and sit ups and weights and holding the plank position was where I was channelling all my energies. I would go to the gym and pound the weights! and feel good about myself for the rest of the hour, till something else erupted. And erupt it did. On a daily basis, there would be something that ticked me off. All my energy was being spent pleasing someone else, or accepting things I didn't like to keep the peace of the house. Everyone had to make adjustments. I had to too and at times I felt taken for granted by the situation. This continued into June. Those weeks and months are a blur. I cannot even believe I allowed a few things to happen. the lines between work people and friends had always been blurry for K and this time too, a lot of the shit that was happening because of ill defined boundaries.

Prisoner of my own mind, I found myself accepting behaviour I would not have accepted normally. A complete invasion of my private space, a violation of privacy and sometimes smart alec answers which would have normally been met with a stare. Too much access to personal information, too much exposure to private matters and too many discussions over a life we have protected rabidly. Finally one day, when both of us had had enough, we spoke about it and amended the situation and restored some sanity and peace back to the house.

I turned a year older in July. It was a circus at best. My best friend wanted to throw me a surprise party at 12 to ring in my new year. Poor girl had no idea of what was happening and it took K's intervention to douse some of the 'would have been' blaze because there were new equations between the people in our life that were on the guest list. I made a new friend this year, a bright, confident 22 year old woman, who I connected with. It was easy to forget she was so young. I was rudely reminded of the age gap on my birthday. Amidst a lovely time with friends whoa re family, Amma and others, I was reminded of how much I meant to this girl. So important was I that she was pretty vocal about her happiness as well as her annoyance both in the same breath. Since I was in a fragile condition already, I burst a blood vessel and a deluge of tears followed what was supposed to be my best birthday ever, turned quickly into a nightmare. I spoke about this to N my other bestie and she explained a few things to me, about myself, my friends and my friendships. The next day, I called said friend, lets call her M and told her how I felt, we talked, laughed, cried, hugged and returned to our respective lives with a better understanding of our friendship. M has played such an important role in my life this year. She has been a pillar of support and a girl who goes out of her way to help, and will brush it off as nothing. She's called me names that include 'retard' and I still call her my friend!

August is a month I cannot remember much of. I spent the time mostly mending other's fences. mending family relations and assuring them that everything will be ok when you are not feeling quite so positive yourself is possibly the most important thing I did this month. I finally confronted my business partner and got paid my share of the dues. Concluding that it was possibly the most hard earned money I had ever made, and so not worth the effort! I also took a leap of faith and injected new energy into my languishing Classes. My Culinary Escapades classes have been something I have always had on the back burner. I started them almost 7 years ago and on and off while I have taken breaks, I have never really put all my energies into them. They have always been like a faithful friend, sometimes happy to be in the limelight and not complaining when ignored. I wanted to change that up and August was the month that saw me infuse energy into them. And they blossomed under all the attention. August was a month I began rebuilding my faith in myself as an individual. August was also the month when we found out without a doubt that our beloved Sage was epileptic.

A few lessons I taught myself, that no matter how tough the going is, look inwards for strength and you will find it. This year in essence was all about knowing myself better. the strength, the courage and hard work. I realised I just underestimated myself over and over again, and yes, the year was not a good one, but I did good at the risk of sounding pompous. I think I was the best version of myself.

September was when Amma turned a year older. A beautiful if sometimes painful 75 years on this earth. She has been an exemplary role model of courage and persistence. I would have liked to add smartness, but that she is not, retaining her innocence and gullibility even now. Because of Sage's condition, we couldn't make the trip to Singapore like I had promised her. this is the third time we have abandoned those plans for various reasons. She being the sport was perfectly fine with it. I needed to do something more for her, something special to mark her life and in less than 24 hours, I had a party hall booked to celebrate her birthday with her closest family and friends. I called my brother and asked him to bring the kids and come down. That was to be the biggest surprise for Amma. She couldn't believe her eyes when they stood at the door! Through all the secret planning, fixing the menu, buying her a new saree and getting her blouse stitched, deciding on the return gifts et al, my MIL and FIL were my pillars of strength and my co conspirators. The birthday girl had no idea what was happening and cooperated beautifully to being surprised. It was a beautiful moment, she was overwhelmed and gracious and I was happy to have been able to do this for her. I think as a daughter, life came a full circle for me that day.

October was a month that I cannot remember much of. Except the weariness of the year just dragged through. I found new and hilariously like minded people online and as is my practice, I overdosed on them. the addiction to whatsapp was complete, sometimes at the cost of the people around me. Much to their annoyance, it continued. I launched a couple of more classes and saw the Facebook page spiral out of control. It was a personally thrilling time. There were times when I wanted to go back into my shell, but like M said, I was too much in my comfort zone and needed to stick my neck out. I wrote for a few local magazines, reviewed restaurants, conducted classes, dealt with all sorts of irrational people wanting to enquire about my classes, managed to come to terms with Sage's illness and find the strength through all the tears. Amma bid us adieu as she went back to Chennai for a few months.

November is the month K and I completed a decade of marriage. 10 years is a long time to be with someone. it is a huge milestone. for us it feels like a few years ago. We have seen better times than this year. And while we talked about all that happened this entire year, we both felt it has been the most testing and challenging for us. We've always been a team, that is our strength and also our pride. Realising that nothing has changed is a great reminder of why we are together. I remember not being too sure of what I was doing even as I dressed for my wedding. The uncertainty, the cloud of doubt in my head and the rest of the family was weighing my shoulders down, I was tired of trying to convince everyone. Till I said to myself, I will take it as it comes. I cannot imagine being who I am with anyone else. He is the Yin to my Yang. The voice of calm logic and reason when I want to shout, scream and throw a tantrum ( and I do throw some awesome ones).  He is the man who tells me to try the most impossible things and will fret if I need to cross a busy street on my own. He is the man who will make fun of me all the time. The man who has no cares for the future and believes in the here and now, to my complete despair when I realise how much savings other people have! The man who has quietly been the wind under my wings, when I make a big show of even making a second cup of coffee for him.

We tell each other that between the two of us, I have the better Social Interface and automatically people think he got more than what he deserved and I got less. But the truth cannot be farther than that. K has taught me to tell the world to take a flying fuck as long as I believe in what I am doing. He will question your convictions not to challenge you, but to test how much you actually believe in them. So ten years on, with none of the trappings of 'family life' and with people asking us constantly when we will 'settle down' (I'm assuming that's the way to ask if we will ever extend the family), I realise the reason we are together is simply because we want to be together and not for any other reason. The fact that we have nothing that binds or ties us together in the form of children or any other familial obligations we may have to execute together and yet, if I were to choose all over again I would choose K. That is a staggering realisation.

Through this year, I fell in love with him more than I had ever. We had the most tempestuous year ever. This year has tested us individually, as a couple and as a family. And I am very proud of how we weathered every storm. When you are young and dreamy, you wish to be with a partner who can take the tough and narrow path, you want a partner who will stand up for his principles with not a care in the world for the losses that may incur, you want a partner who is idealistic and thinks without a care. Ten years teaches you that everyday living with a partner like that is not for the faint hearted. That there will be days and weeks when the uncertainty of decisions or the future will eat at your insides. That you will have more things to worry about than have a smirk for. That living with a partner of unbending morals means a tough life. And the realisation that you could not have chosen better. That you would rather rake yourself over hot coals than choose any less a man. It has been a tough year for us, and what held us together is what brought us together. You know now more than ever, that this is a good thing.

As December rolled in, I began reflecting on the year that passed. It went quickly in the good times (yes there were a few of those) and dragged on endlessly in the bad patches. I reflected on my inner strength and ability to face circumstances that were not to my liking. I realised that while I cannot wait to see this year end, it has taught me how deep my courage is and how strong my faith. That despite being flaky, I can take care of myself and my flock.

This is the only thing that I am grateful for this year. It pained me to see K's pain and despair. Yet not one day did I see the fire ebb in him. I was so proud to be his partner, even on the days when I didn't feel particularly generous of my time or my energy.

2013 has made me draw from an inward strength I didn't believe I possessed. Like a tigress, I gathered my cubs and protected them. Sometimes those cubs were my mother, K and Sage. I drew so much courage from the quiet confidence of my MIL. She has been the biggest influence over me this year. I learnt so much from her quiet resilience. I drew strength from her as I recharged. I know I can face any adversity on my own. I know that I can take over the reins and be responsible for the mental, financial and emotional well being of this family. With Sage, I realised that there is a life to be led once the tears have dried and the fears have been overcome. I am very grateful to be able to choose to work from home while I care for him. I am grateful for being able to enjoy so many days playing with him, scolding him and whacking him sometimes when he misbehaves. I cherish every moment of our time together. grateful for the undying love and unwavering faith he has in me, even when inside I am battling self doubt.

If I had a choice, I would not want a repeat of this year ever, but I am grateful for the experience because of how we have lived it.

There have been days when it took every ounce of my grace and dignity to get over a single hour. I looked inwards and was able to be strong, for myself, for K, for Sage, for the family and for all those I call my own.

This is a year I will not forget. This is a year I have learnt to forgive. This is a year I was able to cut through the clutter and focus on the people, the relationships and the work that really really matters to me. This is the year I have believed in everything everyone told me, and nothing anyone said. This is a year I have felt alone in a crowd and strong enough to be silent. This is a year I have lived each day like no other. This is a year I was battered, broken and healed.

As I wait for this year to close, I do not want to forget these lessons.

To my readers, I wish you a very beautiful New Year ahead. May 2014 be all that you want it to be, may your heart and homes and lives be warm and filled with the love and grace of those who matter the most.