Wisdom and self doubt

I've been thinking a lot. it comes with the territory of nothing better to do and too much free time on my hands. I am generally a very cognizant person. I have an eye for detail, both for people and things. I also have a degree in psychology which helps me look at things a bit deeper than surfacial. so its very rare that something within myself  escapes me. its a good and a bad thing. good because i know i am an ass to live with when i am being a superbitch. its bad because i cannot feign ignorance and wallow in self pity even if i want to. i guess it comes with the territory.

So for the last few months, i know i have been crabby and irritated and i talk in a raspy voice. one thing about my voice, it isnt the usual saccharine girly/ womanly one. even when i am not trying to be a bitch, i sound like one. once you get to know me, you will know my attitude has nothing to do with my voice. its natural and i am trying to control it but sometimes, but its such an effort and i always feel like i am under the scanner trying to modulate my voice and its a pain when i am sound angry even when i am not, cos that is the way my voice is dammit!

so anyways, i was told a few weeks ago that i have been all sorts of undesirable things. have been giving bad vibes and am always complaining. point is, i know all of this. and i have reason to be all of this and more...i felt very bad. because, when i encounter people, friends, family anyone, i accept them at face value... i never tell people, change this, do this, do that or i wont be your friend....i allow them to be themselves. that's why they need me, to be themselves around me. yeah i may crib about them here, or i bitch about them to K. but we all do. in my life, i have never ever told anyone with the exception of K that they need to change or make an improvement, or get a grip or go for meditation or do a self improvement thing. if anything gets too much for me, i retreat. give myself a breather, but have never ever given unsolicited advise.

I seem to attract it a lot tho. I have had so many people tell me to do this, try that, calm down, feel inspired, be disciplined,stop wasting time online, get creative, get productive and what not. basically, if i had any lower self esteem, i'd have believed that i was worthless and have gone down a spiral of depression.

surprisingly, this advice so to speak, is never from the primary stakeholders of my life. My mother, or brother, or K or anyone else i hold closest to my heart have never told me to change, to speak more cheerfully or to do one damn thing to change myself. K asked me to think about it this morning- 'Why is it that none of the chief stakeholders (he named some names) have never asked you to change? because this is the way you are, thats it. somedays you are happy, some days sad, some days rude and some days sweet. stop spending time on trying to change for people who arent even the cornerstone of your life. i cant believe you are even thinking about it'

it made me think... back to the friends i had in school and college... no one then asked me to change.... they still are in my life... they love me for what i am.....

its only in my adult life that i have been constantly "shown a mirror"

no one notices that i am very polite. because of my voice and the way i speak again. I never ask people personal questions, i respect everyone's personal space, i never tell them they're idiots, i never talk about their relationships or the lack of, i never ask about money or where they are getting it or where they are spending it, i never talk ill of families (except my own and i think that needs to stop).

i talk a lot about myself. about my family, my decision making process. i explain myself too much. i expose myself too much. I think i need to stop that. i need to stop generating fodder for everyone to pick up and tell me what to do and how to live my life.

I need to shed all this excess baggage.

A friend once told me that i give too freely of myself... my time and talent and heart... and that's why everyone thinks its a free for all.

i never cared for what the world thought of me.... i am finding that increasingly i do now... i need to reset properties and go back to my core....

p.s: am crying as i write this


Added after reading two comments here:Sometimes i like to cry just to let off steam...am not depressed or anything folks! thanks for the kind comments. it just beats me how everyone is holier than thou and doesnt look at their own fucking mess of a life, but advises on! that's my point....also, that i saw wisdom in K's words despite all the self doubt. I am not changing up anything except putting in some boundaries. Thank you tho, for taking the time to comfort me

life in the times of the sizzler boy

i got a lot done yesterday. after the rant, i made a to-do list and got my act together a bit.

i ordered my cot. a lot like what i wanted.... and thankfully my carpenter Zuma should be able to make it exactly like the picture i gave him. Indians are so good at copying!

that apart, the real joy of my life right now is Sage. After putting me through sleepless nights and backbreakingly busy days for the first few weeks, we have now settled into a beautiful routine. He's grown so bog so fast that i tear up when i look at his baby pictures on my phone...

Sage is now responding to his name, sits on command and even pees on command. I need to potty train him and that i see is the biggest challenge before me.

We found a great no nonsense Vet closer home. She seems to be on the same wavelength as us and that is a relief. Am happy with her prognosis and treatment of Sage's stomach condition.

K is besotted. nuf said! he cant see beyond the pooch!

my favorite times are when he plonks on my feet to sleep while i am at the computer or when he lies down alongside me to play with a toy while i am reading in bed.

Sage reserves his most slobbering kisses for K who seems to enjoy all the action!

he's gotten very mischievous, creeps up on elbows and steals footwear outside the other flats and really runs with them in his mouth like his life depends on it! difficult to keep up with my current girth!

loves to chew on everything, paper is a favourite, plastic bags and oh the anxious night when we stayed up all night after he swallowed my rubber frog motif from my chappals!

writing all of this here to say thank you darling Sage. you have brought more smiles into our lives than ever imagined....will want to remember this even when we manage to make you into a 'well disciplined' dog!

how too much of the internet led to project home declination

if someone would have told me that i would upset my own apple cart by embarking on something so ill advised, i would not have believed them. today i just want to turn back time and get back to where i was before this whole mess unravelled. i took up a home improvement project which has turned into a long drawn nightmare!

for a while now i have wanted to paint my apartment, change a few things up and make it over. ever since we moved into this place 8 yrs ago, we didnt do much except make do with some hand me down furniture and buy a lot of soft furnishings. dont get me wrong, i am very house proud and managed to make everything look just so well put together. the compliments i get for my home and the pictures i take are all testament to that.....

i had been browsing like a maniac, collecting pictures for inspiration, pinning them to my mood boards, saving them on my computer hard disk, taking printouts etc. all those pictures of beautiful rooms with lovely soft furnishings, lamps and furniture that just spoke to you really messed with my head. whatever made me think i could pull it off?

around my birthday in july i wanted to give my home a makeover, a facelift so to speak. we didnt (still dont) have a sofa, a paint job and some additional storage... what started with the best of intentions... has become such an eyesore that its burning into my head everyday.

lets begin with the paint job. i had this bright idea of pristine white walls. if anyone suggests that to you, especially if you dont have a painter on call for touch ups and a retinue of servants to keep scrubbing the walls, just shoot the person who suggests this to you. this ofcourse was my own idea, so reason number one to shoot myself.

i am only completely happy with the paint job in my mother's / guest room. white walls and a green ceiling. i still need curtains and some art on the wall. i got a window seat done here which i am pretty happy with. ofcourse the carpenters gave me such an ulcer that i dont think i will work with them again.

the library got a lovely shade of grey, we recently got put in some glamourous blinds... we need to chuck the makeshift seating there and get in the sofa which was originally for her, but now in the drawing room.... we also need art on the walls...(completely incomplete)

my bedroom has no bed. K and i cannot decide on a bed, i havent found anything i like in a store, and i am unable to explain what i want to my carpenter....as i type this, i have decided to do something about this. i chose a design, called my carpenter...and i think i should have my bed by the end of the week. such is the therapy that blogging provides. much cheaper than a shrink!

i need a sofa for my drawing room like now.... somehow i have never been able to find anything that i like.....

my balconies need a clean up, my cane chiks need to be hung, my budding vegetable garden (pots only) need to be taken up to the roof if only to protect them from sage! whew... thats a lot of stuff that needs to get done...

oh yeah, dont forget the bathroom which now doubles as a dump store room. i do not even want to go thru some of the stuff which is there! 

so all in all, after 8 years in the same house, i have managed to take a perfectly functional and mostly pretty house and make it to look like we just moved in... am turning a corner and i see unfinished business. the worst part being, i am so overwhelmed that i dont feel like lifting a finger! now with Sage i have the perfect excuse too....sometimes, i look around and i want to cry...i want someone to come and magically change everything... if only wishes were horses....

looks like i have my work cut out for the next couple of days... and the only way i can get out of this rut is to get off my behind and start doing something about this. 

ok. two birds with one stone... ranting = feel better + ready reckoner of stuff to be done!

travel and the single girl

my friend N is in England this week. she's been there 5 days already and sends me a picture or two everyday. She looks like she's having a fantastic time. she has friends there ofcourse... but when she planned this whole trip, staying with friends wasn't the reason she chose to visit. it was just a happy coincidence... i know cos i was part of the discussion. 

as i write this, another friend of mine, V is trekking somewhere in leh/ ladakh (dont get at me, i know they are different places, i just dont know where she is right now). she's gone with a friend, and his group of friends... incidentally all boys. this will be here third holiday with said friend. 

i am happy for both these girls. they are great at their work, are very valued as professionals, they are a riot to be with and are steadfast friends.... they incidentally are single... one lives abroad... so has to deal with the "how pathetic you are not married' once every two years...the other lives here and has to deal with it everyday... they are strong... they laugh it off. they are also waiting for an interesting guy.

but i digress, its not about them being married... its about how a lot of girls are travelling alone sans family / husband/ boyfriend. sometimes on their own, sometimes they join a group. they take a week off, buy their tickets, pack their bags and just go somewhere.

there are a lot of groups that are professionally managed to handle organised tours for women like WOO - Women on Wanderlust or girls on the go. they ensure women are safe and have a whale of a time. more and more girls are going on their own too, either with a friend or on their own. i know of atleast two who have done this in the past few months. 

why do women want to travel sans family? because like everyone else, they want to have a good time and just travel for what its worth. a lot of times, being a woman and a mother more specifically means that just the venue changes and sometimes choices of food and sleep become more painful, but you arent relieved of your mommy duties... you still have to do everything you did at home... while everyone else is on a holiday. so its no wonder that women want a breather that is really one!

i've never travelled alone. most of the travelling i did was as a student or an unmarried working woman..but that was just back and forth to and from home... i have gone on sans family holidays tho... with a group of friends... with the significant other... i've loved it... i always wonder what it would be like for me to take a holiday now alone... without K or family or anyone else... fortunately, my family isnt annoying on holidays (well, almost). so i've never really wished them away...but just for once, i wonder how it would be to visit New York City all by myself.... will it live up to its reputation as maximum city? or london perhaps? in a museum although i dont like them much! or turkey maybe? something to think about....

i think this post is just getting pointless.... so stop i will 

explaining myself

I didnt mean to sound ungrateful in my post on gratefulness. i know i may have come accross as that kind of person who counts her blessings in kind... i mean, i counted a car and a phone in that post. I am grateful, for the love of K and the love of my family... i think i cherish them now more than i ever have... i miss my dad so much, despite all his and our failings... and the frustrating times we lived through, i think he and i would have been so happy to live through this phase of my life together... i try not to romanticise that part... because, it was perhaps the toughest most bewildering part of our lives... full of a lot of things noone should live through... yet it fills me with so much regret that he didnt live to see this day. 

it taught me such an important lesson. to cherish the people and relationships around me in the present. So i give my friends the kind of attention i would want them to give me.....and its not always reciprocated.... i have pursued relationships which sometimes i wondered why i wanted so desperately even tho the lack to attention was at low self esteem times deprecating to say the least... but it paid off. i am surrounded by the ones i love... i live in a home that's all mine... and i have a warm bed and hot food at all times. even on the days when i am feeling rotten and unworthy, the lord gives me home delivered cheese crusted pizzas to make me feel better...

so i am really greatful for all the living - loving things in my life... occasionally i am also grateful for the stuff that isnt living!