Blanked out

While driving to the studio this morning, in heavy traffic, going at less than 10 kms per hour, I felt a surge of some kind of energy over me. We were stuck in traffic, I was waiting with my car in first gear, when I felt like a dark curtain fell across my eyes and lifted in a couple of seconds. By that time, I knew that I was going to bang the car in front of me. I desperately was trying to figure out the brake pedal but couldn't. My legs felt like lead. I was not panicking, but I felt a part of my brain had blanked out. 

I didn't have the presence of mind to put the hand brake, but took my right foot off the accelerator. That saved me and the car I eventually banged from a lot of damage, since I went slowly ahead and dented the bumper of the car. 

Ofcourse the driver got out and yelled at me and I lowered the window and apologised and he asked me to fork out 20 K standing there in the middle of the street. I perhaps made every other driver beside me shake his head thinking of every female driving stereotype they thought of at that moment. 

I offered to compensate the driver if he came to my office and spoke to me like a normal person and not a banshee yelling on the road. 

I managed to drive on to class, finished my session and still couldn't get over why that blanking out happened. 

I had not had breakfast, but I was not yet hungry, not the low blood sugar and hands shaking kind of situation that makes you blank out. I have not been stressed either to have that kind of a situation. I could have been tired, because I have been unable to get a full night's sleep. I have been feeling exhausted quite easily these days. B

I just thank my stars that I wasn't in any serious accident. I think I am going to walk to the studio and have the driver drive me around for a while till I feel more confident. 

Weirdly enjoying solitude

For the longest time I was that person who would go stay with a friend / family or have them come over if I was going to be alone for any amount of time. I would never be able to sleep alone, terrified of ghosts and ghouls and my own shadow. I blame it on not ever being alone or sleeping alone till I was 20. I lived with an extended family which meant that I always shared my bed or atleast the room with aunts/ sibling or myriad cousins. Which is a good thing, considering the rambling old house we lived in that would make the bravest soul pee in their pants if  they had to walk to the toilet (at the other end of the house) in the dark. Funnily I cannot recall ever having slept in the same bed as my parents, except when we traveled.  

When I moved to the hostel to do my post graduation, and subsequently the cities I moved for work, I always had room mates, tho I slept in my own single bed. For short durations I did have to sleep alone, but I spent most of the night reading or talking to my boyfriend on the phone and didn't really 'feel' alone. 

Post marriage, I can hardly recall being separated from K. Even when he traveled, I would always have a friend stay over, or go stay with someone. So much so that almost everyone knew how I hated being alone and they would very sweetly volunteer to come and stay over. I was embarrassed about this when I turned 30.

And then slowly I felt myself seeking my own company on evenings I was alone... spending time reading or just doing stuff around the house, sometimes just catching up on sleep. Sometimes I would go out with friends or sometimes alone, eating out and then come back home to sleep peacefully without the fear of my own shadow. 

Both my MIL and amma would call multiple times to check how I was doing, if they should come over to stay (Amma) or send food (MIL). With Sage now things have changed a lot. I no longer feel completely alone. And tho K travels a lot more than before, its just the evenings which drag on sometimes. When he is around, returning home from work is a little unpredictable, most days around 8 PM but sometimes later or even early mornings when work demands this. So I am used to spending the evening / night by myself. 

These days, I have a pattern for being a solitary being. I cook in bulk on the day he leaves, leaving me free of kitchen chores for the rest of his trip. I have been known to cook myself  just some rice/ roti even on a 10 day trip he made to China, and supplement that with curries / dal that was cooked ahead and frozen. I eat all kinds of odds and ends and completely avoid the kitchen except for making my chai and coffee.

The house is spic and span, perils of living with a very messy partner is that the house looks like a hurricane hit it when he's around. Only one half of the bed gets made/ messed and I can have the air conditioning at the temperature that does not freeze bodies!

I read, watch movies, sometimes 3 per night and stay awake till dawn, walk sage, have coffee and then sleep till lunch time. Even my maid told me she doesn't want me to make her breakfast as I should "take rest" because when "bhaiya is back I will have enough work in the kitchen". This is not because poor K creates work, but I am particular about eating as much as possible at home, avoiding cheap and oily food being delivered. So we do have freshly made breakfast and packed office lunches everyday. Food gets recycled for dinner with leftovers and bits and bobs. I sometimes ask the maid and driver to take a break for a few days since I don't want anyone hovering around me. 

Even Sage realises that the pattern changes when Amma is alone and gets his last walk of the day at 9 PM instead of the customary 10:30, because Amma will then binge watch movies all night!

I am finding it very comforting that I enjoy being by myself in a happy way. That I don't necessarily seek company, activities to fill my silence. I don't even take phone calls unless it is work related and my mom knows I haven't died if I don't answer the phone. 

Its a shift mentally, physically and emotionally for me. One that I am glad has happened. I cannot say that I do not look forward to these breaks of solitude!

End of the month

Its almost the end of the month and I was so sure I would end it on a high note. It has been a good month. I had a tonne of work, did something new - did a few episodes for a TV channel, and went out with friends in one of those agenda less leisurely ways.

Yesterday while I was in one of my weekend sessions, Sage had a seizure at home. Usually we are able to tell, he is restless and we can predict one coming on. Its called pre ectal behaviour and K and I can comfortably see the signs. This time, there was no warning. Thankfully K was at home and he managed to sedate him. I was quite scattered by the time I rushed home and it brought tears to my eyes that despite the heavy sedation, Sage recognised the reversing music from my car and came to the door with the customary pillow to welcome me.

We spent the rest of the day by his side, comforting him and telling him it was ok. I slept on the floor next to him with my arm around him. I dont know if it comforts him or me more. I guess I will never know.

For 8 months now he has been seizure free and this makes for a very strange state to be in. On the one hand, we felt he had fought it well these past months. But after a 4 month period (which was his frequency) both of us begin to get edgy. There is always a nervousness to leave him locked in the house. I didn't think I would feel it after all these years, but when I step out of the lift into the corridor that leads to our door, I feel my hands shake. I don't know what will meet me when I unlock that door. Thankfully till now I haven't come face to face with my worst fear. But the shaking doesn't stop.

I've postponed my monday and tuesday class by a day. K will take off and spend time at home when I am at work this once. He is going to be travelling for a week when I have 4 day long sessions. I hope everything will be back to normal as we know it by then.

The rest of the month was so good that I really wonder if it was evil eyes and not his genetic condition that triggered the seizure.

I shot for a TV channel. Demonstrated 6 baking recipes in telugu for a woman centric channel. I've had offers before but somehow nothing worked out. I've always been asked to do it for free and if I had agreed I would probably have had more than 300 episodes to my name. I am not sure if I want to continue this. I definitely wanted to try it out and experience the whole thing.

We shot at my studio on a wednesday. The shoot started late, around 12.45 PM and I was really beginning to lose it. Everything that you imagine TV shooting to be, it is not! The crew, tho very friendly gives 'zero' inputs. The brief was to 'do my stuff' so I went into full on teaching mode. I was not too unhappy with what we got, but not super happy either. Was happy to go with the flow and enjoy the experience. Its good to cringe at yourself once in a while. I am also very aware of the fact that I sound quite gruff and appear to be grumpy. I am not, I can assure you!

Since the last two years I have been very open to opportunities that have come my way and not shied away from exploring them. One lives and learns and I think for me the big shift mentally has been not to say no at the first instance.

I am not sure where blogging is leading me. Especially with the food blog. So much more 'engagement' on social media is happening and it leaves me quite fatigued even at times.

update: today is tuesday. I have a full day ahead and I just remembered this post was still in drafts. Need to get going now. Sage has had a restful day and he will hopefully be well while I am away for half the day. Talk soon <3 p="">

Long time no updates!

I cant believe the last time I wrote here was January. I think I may have made a few posts as usual and not published them....

Its been a pretty hectic few months for me work-wise. The studio (touch-wood) has been super busy. March I expected would be a slow month and I wouldn't even make rent because of exam time. We all know how Indian parents become during the time of their kids exams. Its like they are taking their board exams all over again! But surprisingly I had full sessions in almost every class I announced. 

April on the other hand was a slow slow starter. I laboured with announcing classes and they always take time to pick up momentum. So literally half the month was spent doing nothing. When I have nothing to do work-wise, I tend to mope around and brood. I dig out long forgotten/ buried things and hyperventilate over them. I make myself miserable and I've decided that I hate myself for it. I am also quite difficult to live with when that happens. I dusted myself off and put a few classes together and then all of a sudden, wham! it was like the universe was telling me that I really needed to do this to feel better. 

April was a hot furnace in Hyderabad. It always is a miserable place to be during summer. I only tolerate it for the mangoes. But this time it has been truly horrid. 

I stopped being interested in food, cooking and eating. The highlight of the month tho, was the rescue and adoption of two puppies I found in succession. This needs a dedicated post and I hope I will get down to it before I forget all the emotions I felt during that time. 

This month too, for 5 days we pet sat a couple of beagle pups. They were four months old, a pair of really naughty little chubs who destroyed the wiring of our home theatre system, gnawed at my sofa, peed all over my house, ate mud from the balcony pots and tore my blankets among other things. But oh my! they were adorable!

K is always quite annoyed when I bring other living things of the human and animal category into the house to occupy space. In fact that is a lie, he goes bonkers. But to his credit, he accepts this stuff with more speed than I ever would and before you know it, he's cuddling the critters and kissing them, or being all funny and entertaining with the human guests. I love this about him, I will admit I take advantage of it too (smiles).

Haven't gone to the farm much due to the heat. We lost a lot of bhindi and beans because it wasn't harvested on time. I feel sad for that and now try and go atleast every 10 days. We made an evening trip on Appa's birthday, cut a cake and had chai and snacks and then came back after dinner. I hope I can resume my monday trips. K isn't in favour of going because he is terrified of the heat.

We went out quite a bit (by our standards) the last few months. Casual dinners with friends, parties and even a brunch was managed. I loved dressing up and dancing all night in my glittery gold flats! I paid for it the next day by being close to hungover during my class!

It has rained a couple of times these last few weeks and brought down the temperature considerably. That's the only saving grace.

K has another Dubai trip coming up next week, Amma is due to come over and stay. I have some interesting projects happening that I am quite excited about.

That's it for now... Hope you are well too! XX

Off day

K is in Dubai for work, I have 4 days of classes this week and monday is my usual day off. I mentioned to amma who is nursing a terrible cold since 5 days that if she felt better, we could use the day and go to the farm. I dont know if it was the promise of the open space or the excitement to see the place again, she got better over the weekend and we set off this morning post breakfast. 

Landed there by 12 pm and the spinach patch is making me cry with the amount of fresh spinach ready for plucking. I cooked a quick lunch of khichdi and some tomato curry, we ate, overate actually, amma took a nap, I walked around my fiefdom with Sage in tow. 

In the evening after chai we harvested palak, chillies, tomatoes, brinjal and some bottle gourds. I set Sage loose and he played and tried to mount Buddy, the lab owned by another family who lives on the farm. They ran in circles pissing all over the lawn. Got home to a completely traffucked gachibowli and I kept telling myself that one day soon, I wont have to battle this traffic. 

A lovely day, so different from my off days when I simply vegetate at home in my PJs