Day 1 ~ A person I'm glad to have in my life

 I don't know how long this will last. 

I realised I haven't written here for 3 years and I am using a pinterest prompt to do this 30 day gratitude writing exercise. 

Not one person but all the people I have gratitude for 

K - the man who has loved me from age 17 to now at 44 and both of us have undergone so much change as people and partners. The man who is as real as it gets and tells me the things I don't want to hear, but he will find the kindest way to say it. Who is vulnerable but always been strong for me and fights clean and fair. I have learnt courage and responsibility from him and have marvelled at his perseverance and discipline when he wants to be and his work ethic

Amma - the one who continues to keep her soul blemishless and kind. Who is able to be strong and naive, wise and irritatingly stupid at the same time. To be able to handle life in all its forms with so much grace is something she leaves to me as a legacy

MIL - what to say about this woman who has taught me patience? She goes about her day with so much grace and patience that it wears me out sometimes just to look at her. The way she is handling Appa's health and caring for him makes me grateful for her and also sad that she doesn't look after herself

Sage - My life giving child, who loves me more than any human can and has told me that no matter what, life is to be lived one day at a time

N - who found love this year and has always been someone I can talk to and even if we dont agree with each other, we can still be friends

Just can't wrap my head around this

I've had two pieces of such tragic news delivered to me this week that I haven't been able to wrap my head around any of it.

Early last saturday morning, I saw a text from a student who'd signed up for my weekends only classes. She texted to apologise she won't be able to make it for class as late the previous night, her husband met with an accident and died.

As I read the first few words, I assumed this was another one of those 'i'm sorry I cant come today due to XYZ reasons' that I usually get from students occasionally to plead off from a session.

I read and re read the message. N was a lady in her late forties, early fifties, one daughter who had just been sent to england to study and N had taken my class to pass her time productively after suddenly finding herself with an empty nest. She immediately petted and cooed to Sage, and told me about her St. Bernard rescued dog Alex. I never met her husband, but the tragedy was so uncomfortably personal that I couldn't shake it off.

Yesterday, a friend who had ordered apple pies from me, which I had not yet delivered because I was very busy and I am notoriously late for stuff like this texted to say, no need for apple pies.

I replied with my usual apology and said tomorrow pucca. She said no, the kid died, and the mother also. I responded with complete disbelief, thinking this was my friend being sarcastic.

Apparently the lady lost her husband in june and ever since was depressed, she made her 7 year old kid inhale nitrogen gas and later she too inhaled it and committed suicide. I made the pie crust on thursday and stuck it in the fridge to finish up on friday by which time she was dead. I cannot even begin to process this.

A person feeling so desperately alone and killing her child and herself in this bizzare manner! It is just so heartbreaking!

Mindless tv

I have spent all my non working days in the last few weeks watching TV sacked out on the bean bag in a dark room.

I love it and I get annoyed when I am interrupted by both man and beast. Sage doesn't like being confined to the room a lot and resists by panting in my face a couple of times, until he realises I am not going to heed and settles down to sleep for a few hours.

The amount of sub standard crap is boggling and my appetite for it is shocking too.

Yesterday I watched a made for internet movie with some of the finest actors from hindi movies and theater and it was utter tripe! It brought to mind an interview of Nawazuddin Siddiqui where he said so much trip was being made in the name of realistic parallel cinema. 

So far, so good

I realised it is the first of september already today and it has filled me with a sense of insipidness. I have been in a state of limbo for a while now.  A lot of it related to work and personal stuff thats happening. I suddenly find myself being anxious about a lot of things I didnt care about earlier. I would brush things off and believe when the time is right, I would be able to deal with it and or fix it and I find myself no longer able to do that.

Starting with Sage, he turned 7 in june and it set me off in ways I am worried about. A brief and intense spate of seizures left me with a patch of acne on my face that hasnt yet subsided. I broke out with the stress of managing him and preventing a spiral cluster. Since then, he hasnt been himself. Refusing his walks, quieter than usual and disinterested in most things he liked  except food. I am unable to read the patterns and therefore unable to have a plan. Most of my responses are reactive and I dont like that about the situation. I like to be prepared, but in this case I am forced to go with the uncertain flow. My movements are further restricted and it has led to me feeling a little suffocated and guilty in equal measures.

Workwise, things have quietened down and this has led to some more anxiety. It spirals into feelings of loneliness, anxiety about what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing enough and while I was able to internalise all of it for the longest time, I now am feeling overwhelmed at regular intervals.

I have not met any of my health goals this year, my skin looks worse than ever, my nails and hair are dry and brittle and I feel I have taken my body for granted so much. I have been unable to stick to even the yoga class which was right next door that i felt I wouldnt be able to skip. But since amma left back to bangalore early last month, something or the other has happened and I havent gone since the last two weeks. Fortunately, food wise I am on track. With K on his fitness mission and eating a specific diet, we are eating almost exclusively at home and eating well.

Jan 13 - a place recently visited

The last place I've visited before coming here to karwar was Mangalore. We stayed at a resort a little outside of the city but we went into the city a few times to explore and visit some tourist spots and eat.

Beautiful tile roof homes, with flourishing backyard gardens. Almost every home has coconut, banana, drumsticks and lemon trees. Not uncommon to spot a couple of chickens and cows. A lot of the homes have an outdoor stove possibly to heat water. Going by the number of cars parked in every home, beautiful elaborate homes and the vibrant market and stores, Mangalore is a rich city.

It's a well equipped town, almost every big retail brand has a presence. Large old educational institutions with massive Infrastructure dot the city. Lots and lots of children and young adults playing in huge playgrounds. I loved the terrain of the city, slightly hilly because of the ghats so it's nice to go up and then come down on city roads Reminded me so much of vizag.

The food is fantastic anywhere you eat. But I found the famous ice creams a bit hyped up.